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  1. #41
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lester View Post
    That's good! (You’re lucky.)
    Men need direction. We sometimes, (many times after we marry), get derailed or develop a bad attitudes in life. This is where you come in.

    Pick a time when he’s not distracted.
    Tell him the following;

    Hubby...

    The most important person in the world is sitting in front you.
    I want you to find a better job...preferably one you like.
    I don’t want you coming home and dumping on me anymore.
    You are making me depressed. (If your not…bluff.)
    You’re the cause. It’s your fault… no one else’s.
    I'm not going to let you do that to me.
    I will not feel sorry for you anymore.
    I am beginning to mentally shut you out of my life.
    I don’t want this to happen… but you are causing it.
    If you don’t change I might have to leave you.

    At this point he may try to interrupt. Stop him by saying…
    I’m not done!
    There are a billion men in the world who would just love to eat my potatoes. (and/or) Next time you criticize my cooking I’m going to smash it in your face.

    Then leave the room.

    When he comes to you…say.
    I expect to start seeing changes by the weekend.

    Hers… I know this hard but you must do it. In time, if not checked these issues can tear apart any marriage no less yours.
    Well, the only reason I wouldn't go this route is that I don't feel it's right to say "It's your fault I feel this way and you are causing my stress and pain". I don't look at anything one-sided. I try to do my part and expect others to do the same of their part. The method you described may work for some but it woulnd't do right in our relationship. Thank you though.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

    Spay and neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die!

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  3. #42
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerda View Post
    Hers, my heart goes out to you. I am in a situation so similar it is eerie, in fact husband and I had just been quarreling over these very same things this morning, and that is why I came to this forum and found your thread at the very top.

    I understand almost exactly how you feel, and I tried to explain this to my husband this morning. When the person you love, who supports you (in my case husband completely supports me--and we don't need for any money, I basically quit because we didn't need my income at all and now I do all the housework as well as caring for our elderly, incontinent dog who WILL pee everywhere if there is not somebody around) is constantly bemoaning their work, it makes you feel like crap and very panicky. You feel like you are supposed to do something, you are to blame, you are the problem, if only he didn't have to help you out, he would be so much happier, you are a burden.

    Like you, I love my husband dearly and would love to assist him however I can, and I do try. I don't expect "appreciation" as in him coming home every day and saying, "Wow! You did the laundry! Good work!" Like you, I just don't want to be UNAPPRECIATED, i.e. complaining about the cooking.

    My husband complains constantly about his job, and yet when I try to offer him assistance, he does not recognize it or accept it. For example, we are house shopping and all this weekend I was trying to find ways to help him prepare for his visit with the lender this week, and he basically was one-word-answering my questions and saying he was all ready. Then when the day rolled around he was asking me to find this or that, last year's W-2, etc. I try to cook for him, but he is awful about letting me know when he will be home. 5:00 is his normal out-time, but it's not uncommon for him to work later. Last night at 5:00 he said he'd be leaving in 15 minutes. He didn't get home until almost 8:00. How am I supposed to have a hot meal for him when I'm given a 3 hour window for his ETA?

    I guess we just need to understand that there is nothing that we can do to undo the fact that they have soul-sucking jobs. You can't make up for such things just by cooking better meals or making sure the laundry is crisp and clean.

    I encourage you to be honest with him. It may make him angry and defensive, but there is nothing wrong with being honest and he should appreciate that. I told husband for the first time this morning how he makes me feel like total crap every time he talks about how awful his job is. I had never said anything before, because from the outside (especially apparently to people like Ariel) it does sound really awful. "Honey, I know your job sucks, but your complaining is really bringing me down, could you stop please?"

    But I understand how you feel. When he complains about his job, it sounds like he is complaining about his life. It seems to us that they should say, "My job is so awful--thank God I have you to come home to!" If you can find a way to tell him how you feel while also making it clear that you appreciate him and have compassion for him, I've almost always found that being honest and direct, even in the face of fear, works best.

    Good luck to you, and thank you for sharing your story. You sound like a great wife, frankly better than I am. The solution for me and husband is apparently for me to go out and find full-time work, because he cannot get over his jealousy that I don't slave away like he does. So even though we don't need the money, and even though he has no time for housework, and even though there will be nobody to take the dog out and she will be peeing all over the new carpet in our new home, and even though just this morning he was saying we should spend more time together, and me working means we will almost never see each other--I'm going to go get that job. Woo hoo.
    That's exactly it...I don't expect a trophy or a pat on the back or anything like that for keeping the house clean and such. But I don't exactly want criticism for what I do do either.

    And besides, the issue ISNT that he didn't like my cooking. THat's not it at all, even though some trolls try to make it look as such, but the issue is that I ahve no idea hwo to be the supportive wife when anything I do gets shot down.

    I ended up talking to him about it last night. I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no and why would I think that. I told him it was b/c I feel like any time he complains about his job adn I try to cheer him up or when I try to do something nice for him, he comes back with really negative remarks and I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. He said that what I do makes him very happy and he vents just to vent. I told him I don't mind him venting but it's so frequent that it's bringing me down and I feel at a loss at how to cheer him up and that i feel obligated to do the cheering up, even though nothing i say works. He said he realizes he's probably too negative and is venting way too much and he'll try to work on it. I told him I dont' mind listening to it but to please try to find the positives in it all at the same time if he's able to.

    He's at work now and so far has done no complaining.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

    Spay and neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die!

  4. #43
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 View Post
    Hers your post struck a chord for me because for the past few weeks, motivated by a book I read recently, I've been trying not to complain, ever. It's interesting how you realize how hard it is to stop the habit of it once you make that promise. I bring this up because of the level of venting/complaining your husband is doing. No, I don't think you should tell him to stop complaining -that's not going to work - but is there a way to ask him when he is calm what he gets out of venting/complaining to you. Obviously he might say he just likes to hear back your reassurance and your empathy but does it actually help him other than perhaps as a short term bandaid (if it did, then he wouldn't need to do it as often or in a repetitive way, right?). It would be so great if he could realize that his habit of complaining actually has no value to him and also injects too much negativity into your short time together during the day (or via text).

    Without being condescending (I know you wouldn't want to be but sometimes this could come across that way) is there a way for him to replace the complaining habit with forcing himself to think of at least 10 things he is grateful for each time he feels like venting? It could be "my wife makes great potatoes" or "I have my health" or whatever but it's a great habit to replace the complaining habit because the mind can't do both those things at once. I've been practicing that and I have to say, I didn't realize what a long lasting effect that could have - we have far nicer evenings together because I skip one of my typical complaints. Even though I don't complain as often as your husband does even that little change reaped great benefits for us.

    Yes, in reality his work schedule and the demotion are not positives. But unless he wants to take action to change that situation and thinks you can help him change the situation the ranting about his work/co-workers/how he hates it - it creates too much of a vicious cycle.

    And I think it's wonderful that he wants to come home during a 30-minute break -shows that you are doing your best to have things peaceful and happy.
    Thanks, Batya. Read my reply to Gerta. We talked a little bit about it last night and it's better. It's not as bad as some people are trying to make it out to be on here. I do like the mthod of trying to find things to be grateful for to keep perspective. I do that myself and it's so much better when I'm going through something bad.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

    Spay and neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die!

  5. #44
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    I have worked some very long and unpredictable hours and know how cranky and frustrated that can make you... it puts you into the survival mode, where you are just trying to cope. So he was thrust into these horrible hours and knows this job is not a keeper.

    You can't always change the situation immediately, but you can change how you view and frame it. So he knows he needs a new job, so all efforts should be put into that and he needs to shift onto what i call the 'IDGAS cloud', as in 'i don't give a shoot' about that job, because really, all it is is income and nothing more. So he needs to tell himself all the other petty problems etc. are just nothing he should get upset about, nor all the politics or anything else. He needs to climb up mentally onto his own little IDGAS cloud, and resolve to not let that job take one more moment or thought out of him once he walks out the door, because though his day is ruined by that job, he shouldn't let the rest of his time outside work be ruined either. So tell him he needs to start riding on an IDGAS cloud where that job is concerned, and stop caring so much about it, one way or another. Just do what it takes, the minimum it takes, until he gets another job that is better for him and not so exhausting.

    So next time he starts complaining, just tell him, time for the IDGAS cloud, and let's not let that job ruin your thoughts and time away from work. We both know it is only temporary, so just do your time, plan for the future, and get out ASAP.

    I had an epiphany of sorts a long time ago when i realized, they don't pay me any more to get upset, get angry, get worked etc., and if the place is so badly run that good performance is irrelevant, then don't pour one iota of your soul into a job that is a lost cause. Just look at it as a paycheck until he gets something better. You can't always change the situation, but you can change your attitude, and you can help him understand that he is worrying way too much outside work over a job he should just leave at the door when he walks out.

    I think the depth of his exhaustion needs to be 'felt', so you need to tell him, yes, those hours are horrible and it is horrible what they have done to you. But i know you have so much more in you to give than just that job and worrying about it, so let's focus on the future, have as much relaxation and fun outside work as possible, and you'll do whatever you need to do to pick up the slack with the housework etc. if his hours are much longer than yours.

    It also would help to sit down and do a budget of exactly how much money you need to survive should he lose that job, and to conserve money now in case they go one step worse and let him go. So try to work with him to help him understand this is a SOLVABLE problem that you can fix, even if not today, sometime soon. He is probably panicking a bit feeling trapped in the job, and i've been there with some horrible jobs too, so what you're hearing every day is him talking thru feeling trapped and panicked. If he feels more in control and that there is hope for change, he will feel less need to complain.

  6. #45
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    Thank you, LavenderDove. I like that outlook. I may send him this link so he can read it.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

    Spay and neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die!

  7. #46
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    Dear Hers, when I write I tend to lay it all out there, so it always sounds strong. You can pick and choose but I highly recommend you don’t appease your husband anymore.

    Why?

    1. You’re marriage is out of balance. If you are stressing because of your husband…it’s out of balance.
    2. Being a wife/women you are most likely anticipating/hoping for improvement. You can see the consequences of this current lifestyle five years down the road and are a little scared.
    3. You’re husband cannot see this! I’m a man…I know. When a man/husband is on the battlefield he can become incredibly single minded.
    We men can get trapped in moments that can last for years. (Pig heads)

    So my advice to you is…
    Don’t think you are getting though to you’re husband with “nice little talks.” Demand plans/results.
    Get your marriage back into balance! It’s ok if the teeter-totter moves back and forth past center. One end down all the time will break you’re marriage.

    P.S. Hope is powerful… but it needs help

  8. #47
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    I don't think stress necessarily means a marriage is "out of balance". I think a certain amount of stress is normal, we're human and newlyweds often experience the stress of adjusting to marriage even if they've been living together.
    I don't make demands on my husband and if I do I apologize. We work hard to discuss issues, have a back and forth.
    While some gender-based generalizations might apply especially if the couple has traditional gender roles I think far more often it's a mistake to label issues and situations by gender especially because of the risk of offending the other person who wants of course to be seen as an individual, and a loved individual at that.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    Well, as another update.

    I have tried talkingt o him about it all, and he's always very receptive to change and working on things and doing his part. So naturally, he was. And then he went to work.

    Our only form of communication yesterday was via text. Didn't get to talk on the phone, didn't see each other, he didn't get to come home on break. But every.single.text from him was a complaint about his job. I'd try to talk about something else, he'd bring up how much he hates his job. Finally, he started talking about going into his boss' office and "demanding a raise and back pay for as long as he's been doing this job" since he's been fulfilling a role of a higher-up position (foreman) without the pay to make up for it. He was using aggressive words--barging in there, demanding this and that, b----hing them out, etc. I don't think he's capable of acting that aggressively (it's not in his nature) but finally I had to tell him to stop talking to me about his job all together b/c it was giving me anxiety. All I can picture is him demanding XYZ and being rude and aggressive toward them about it and then consequently getting fired. I am in full support of him quitting--when he has another job to go to. We can't survive on one income, even if I did work more hours (nearly impossible with my job). But getting fired out of nowehere, we can't handle that financially.

    So I had a break down and wrote him to please stop writing me these things as it's givine me anxiety. That I don't mind him venting and talking to me about it but it has dominated our conversations for days. I asked him to go back and look at our full texts from the last 2 days and he'll see that every single text almost is about him complaining about his job. I told him I can't take it anymore, that I'm a positive, attitude-of-gratitude person and he's bringing me down and i can't play supportive like that. That if he has a problem with his job, then he needs to be proactive about it. He always says that his paychecks are messed up but doesn't talk to anyone about it (just complains and says things like "I can't believe they're effing me over like this!!!"), and when I ask him why he doesn't talk to anyone about it, he says it's b/c no one is ever there. Well, the business doesn't run on ghosts and absentee bodies. So if he has a problem with something, either stop complaining about it or do something about it.

    He didn't get home till 6am this morning (went to work at 2pm yesterday--no break b/c it's Memorial Day, our city's gay pride weekend so very busy in the beer industry). I know he's tired, I know he's stressed, I know he hates his job. I feel at a loss about how to help him, and everything i've tried hasn't helped him. I just can't handle the negativity anymore. He's not the same person I started dating and fell in love with. He's changed b/c of this job. It's one thing to grow together and become different people for the better, but he's changed for the worse and only he can fix that.

    So hopefully he'll make a change in regard to his whole situation. Who knows.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

    Spay and neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die!

  10. #49
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    Eh, same thing happened with my bf. I have to say in the beginning of our relationship he was a nice, fun, happy person. Then made a bad career move, hated his job, and suddenly became bitter and angry and it was odd. It took a couple of years but he had transformed. Everytime I ask him how his day is, he always say's "sh*****"--I don't think he's ever told me about a good day. Honestly as bad as it sounds, I sort of tune him out. I'll let him vent, but I won't be listening while he does it. I feel that this method works best for my sanity because that way he gets his feelings and anger off his chest to someone, and that way I don't really have to hear it(since I'm tuning him out). Not everyone is capable of doing that though. I have ADD, and since I was a kid I've been able to tune out and space out on things I don't want to hear(i.e. once a baby was crying on the bed next to me and I didn't even realize it, until my friend came in and asked me why I didn't pick the baby up and did I notice the baby was crying).
    But I think for now, if his stress is causing you stress, then you made the right move by telling him not to talk about his job. Hopefully he has other friends he can vent to about it. One thing that may help is that even despite his negativity, you remain positive and optimistic and keep faith in him. I've done this with my bf, and I think it makes him feel a bit "Better"--though it obviously doesn't solve the job issue.
    I really hope he is able to find another career soon. It's always tough when you're at a job you hate.

  11. #50
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    I am almost sure you've tried this Hers but I'll give it a shot -what does he say when you say in a supportive way "what can I do to help you". If he says "just listening helps" well sure that's true but tell him that especially when he texts the complaints/negativity you can't listen because you're not there so all that's happening is you're absorbing (being subjected to) his negative energy so you're not sure where the listening comes in with the texts. Honestly if it were me I would practice sending those texts to myself and seeing how quickly it became silly.

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