Husband is stressing me out b/c of his job

[hers]

That's what he says. That just listening helps. I don't mind listening but like what You said, I can't really listen via text.

[Lester]

Hi Batya,

Hers being on this forum signals trouble, victim or both. Everything I told her is from my personal experience. I was similar to her husband but my poor wife used band-aid techniques to get herself through the day. Being a stay at home Mom with tons of kids she absorbed every negative comment even though she tried not to. I scared her with my big dumb mouth. The result… (According to her), I cheated her, (wasted time), from a happy life.

I am still re-building and PAYING for each and every transgression I committed.

 

Hers…

Try as you might you cannot deny your nature. You will become eternally bitter towards your husband. In time you will emotionally detach yourself from him.

Don’t worry about hurting him. Tell him now. Don’t hold back.

 

If this continues…You will hate him.

 

I don’t want you to end up in the divorce section of this forum. It’s a dark place.

[FarthestEdge]

Lester,

 

I get your intent, but you are transferring your issues onto Hers. Her presence here does not signal the impeding implosion of her marriage. She's venting. It's in failing to acknowledge that things aren't always perfect, in failing to admit your feelings that trouble starts.

 

Honestly, If I ever said HALF of what you initially suggested to my husband, I'd be divorced. It's not her husbands responsibility to make her happy. It's HER responsibility to find her own way to happiness in the life she chose for herself.

 

For better and for worse. It would be really awful of her to tell her husband who is already stressed and unhappy that she's "miserable" and it's "all his fault" Threats and accusations are seldom constructive IMO.

 

You offered advice that was based on your experiences and what you (think) would have worked better. Hers doesn't feel it applies to her or her marriage. Moving on...

 

Every relationship is different, and there is no one-size fits all. Hers is not your wife and you are not her husband. Whatever you or your wife (think) you needed, is not the ONLY solution.

 

No need to get aggressive and insinuate she's headed for divorce just because she doesn't agree with your POV.

[Lester]

Dear Edge,

Okay I do see your point. I can’t tell you how many times I hesitate before hitting that post button. I am continually questioning what I write and my tone. I just don’t know how else to say it.

 

I never cared about anything but money till just a few years ago. I got really good at it. If someone told me three years ago I would even listen to other peoples troubles I would have laughed.

 

That dark place I mentioned is the place that created this fumbling person. I’m trying to help…and I’m not even sure why.

[OptomisticGirl]

Hers you said it best. He knows this isn't healthy to him or you. It woukd be like him trying to hold a conversation with you and you ignoring him and keep whining about something else.

[Batya33]

Lester I'm really sorry about your marriage -that must be a terrible feeling but I do have to agree with Farthest Edge - I know you mean well, but your particular bias seems to spell doom for a newlywed whose facing unfortunately typical issues in a new marriage - getting adjusted to being married while also having another huge part of life not going well - I know many couples who, when first married, are unemployed/underemployed/having health/fertility issues that make it a real challenge to survive that first year (and I think this is true even for couples who live together first).

 

Hers- it also occurs to me that Jared might not recognize himself right now - is this the worst situation he's been in job-wise? And add to that the pressure of wanting to be a good husband to you (I am projecting a bit -perhaps the "license" makes little difference to him since you lived together earlier but I bet it does) and he might be just careening into this negativity and not know how to stop. It reminds me a bit of being a newlywed, a new parent and facing the most serious medical condition of my life all while my husband had to get ready to return to work in another state and to travel for work. There was one day when I felt physically ill and literally sat on the bathroom floor panicking and crying - looking back I realize that part of it was feeling physically ill but most of it was this overwhelming feeling of everything on my shoulders made all the worse by sleep deprivation from caring for a newborn. I didn't recognize myself. The difference is that my husband chalked it up to "new mom/exhausted/not feeling well" so probably I wasn't such a stranger or strange to him.

 

By contrast while of course you are trying to relate to and empathize with Jared's negativity and stress, there's not as neat a label to put on it -he is employed (albeit unahppily), he just had a wonderful honeymoon with you, and from your perspective at least he has a full time job at a place he's worked at for years. I hope I'm making sense- it's harder for you not to see him as a "stranger" or "not the man I married" because his situation/issues are not so cut/dried/easy to label.

[Lester]

Thank you batya.

[hers]

Batya, he has a very old-fashioned view of "husband" and "wife". Not in the "woman does the cooking, man does the work" sense, but he does feel that part of being a husband is being a provider, and now he feels that he can't play that role and feels like a failure in a sense.

 

Whoever said that the first year of marriage is the hardest was right...

[hers]

He called me after I got off work and we were talking and he seemed much more upbeat and chipper. He said he went to talk to the HR person about getting his paycheck fixed and to talk about putting me on the medical insurance but she wasn't there b/c she is off for the long weekend. He said he talked to his immediate supervisor and told him that these hours are causing issues with us and that we have a new marriage and we're already trying to work out the kinks of being newly married and this isn't helping. The guy empathized with him and told him he understands b/c it causes problems with him and his fiance, but there's not much he can do about it immediately. But he would talk to their main boss about a pay raise considering he's doing more work than he shoudl be.