Wife has melanoma skin cancer and cheated, do i leave her?

So I am faced with a very difficult decision. As alot of you know my story my wife who i am now living separately from, went to a derm appointment today. She has had it in the past and they were removed but now there are some that could potentially be much further along. She still has to get an appointment to get that looked at and have it removed and to see if it has spread or anything.

Point is my wife cheated on me about 2 weeks ago, she spent the night with another man, she won't admit she did anything with him but the obvious is the obvious, why did she spend the night with him then?

Anyway I am now out of the house, staying with her parents for a short time and she comes to me with this news about this skin cancer thing. So yeah, what do you do? She now wnats me to tell her I love her when we talk on the phone and she says she needs support and is all alone. Now keep in mind she has a mother, father and 4 including her brother and 2 sisters. but she is all alone? She also throws out the guilt trip she can't talk to this man she wa with anymore as he was such a good friend and everything, and I took him away from her.

this sucks, if she dies in the next 6 months or something what am I going to do, ill die from guilt for sure.

I don't know. Some things have the magnitude to put all others into perspective. Melanoma is a big one. If it's not caught before secondaries it's just about the most aggressive cancer out there and is certain death.

I can only say if it were me I'd try and be as supportive as I could in such a situation. You probably have to look within yourself, minus ego, to work out how you want/need to respond.

Without knowing your complete story.... Dealing with any kind of illness is tough and I'm sorry about hers, but I would make a bet that she is feeling guilty and now since she is also a "victim" (due to her illness), she is wanting you to care for her and to be there for her and give her what she may not get from her man friend. And No she is not all alone. She's playing with your feelings. Just my 2 cents.

Life's really laying it on you.

I think you can support her without pretending everything is fine with her cheating.

Do you want to reconcile?

If not, I'd suggest living apart and lending support as a friend. It's a tough road, but sometimes the high road is best. She could live with her supportive parents, you could lend an ear, drive her to appointments and all that. Whatever happens to her health, it's not your fault. Right now you may be tempted to return to her, but you may resent it over time.

After my ex dumped me, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that no local doctor would remove. There was a period where we feared the worst, but after a long process, she found treatment and recovered with some damage. I was as supportive as she'd allow, and glad she's better.

She's like a sister to me now.

melanoma is a very serious disease, but all these things stacking up at once makes me wonder... are you sure she has really been diagnosed with this (i.e., gone to Dr.'s appts. and has future treatments scheduled), or possibly just trying to play on your sympathy and manipulate you to get you back after being caught cheating?

i have seen people do this, or a variant of this, in fact had someone do this to me... he used cancer as an excuse to pull be back in again, but i later discovered he did not have cancer at all, just playing on my sympathies and stalling for time to draw me in... another variant of this is women who claim to be pregnant after a breakup, to mysteriously miscarry after she has reunited with her partner... never pregnant at all...

so i suggest you tell her you will accompany her to her next doctor's appt and want to look over the test results and options with her and accompany her on treatments... if she waffles over this or makes excuses for you not to come with her, then you may have a problem there... if she is genuinely ill, she will welcome you supporting her...

I agree with BSBH. I think given her history with you, it is entirely possible she is manipulating you once more. I agree, go with her to the appointment, talk to the doctor. If she seems reluctant for you to accompany her, I think something may be fishy.

Well she did come back with a bunch of moles taken off, I will ask for evidance as you guys suggestion. I guess it is possible, but that would be pretty low even for her. I didn't really think of that though so yeah, maybe your all right.

I would simply tell her that until she can come to terms with the fact that your marriage is in a state of complete ruin, and that she has done you much wrong you have nothing to talk about. The first step to fixing anything, or having anything further to do with her, is her realizing her mistakes and betrayal. If she cannot do that, then just move on man. Her security blanket just got taken away, Im sure she doesnt like that right now. She will probably say, do, connive, plot, plan etc. any way she can to get that back. You have to worry about you first, her second. IF she does have cancer, then be there as a friend, but not a husband.

Her innapropriate behavior with this 'friend' is off the charts. Its simply OFF THE CHARTS. There is really no way to justify it, or reason it out. Its wrong, and would be hurtful to everyone on this board, everyone who read your post will tell you the same thing. And what does she do? She doesnt apologize, she guilts you for her making a huge mess of things.

Again, worry about you first bro. Make yourself happy, and then if you can find it in you lend her an olive branch of 'friendship' if you feel you must. But dont pretend to be her husband until she is willing and activly making an attempt to fix her past mess.

I had malignant melanoma and did not cheat.

Fortunately my malignant melanoma went away - they cut it all out the first time.

I am not familiar with latest technology, but likely what is occurring now is that pathologists are examining the peripheries of the biopsies - making sure it appears they cut it all out. So these are moles that are new or ones that were old and changed shape/color? I am curious is this in the same area as earlier biopsies - or different part of the body?

They should also be palpitating her lymph nodes and doing blood tests. She should already know the results of the most recent palpitations.

So I'm guessing you can ask the doctor about these things when you accompany her.

She is still the mother of your son, so I think you should definitely offer to accompany her to the doctor. You need to know the truth for your son's sake. So there is an advantage here to her warming up to you in the face of this escalation of her health challenge.

I like the idea that her cheating on you is separate from you being emotionally supportive of her during this challenge to her physical health.

Since she has betrayed you by apparently sleeping with another man -- and all this other stuff is going on -- I'd DEFINITELY feel uncomfortable supporting her physically (sexually) as she goes through her emotional challenges.

She's been yanking your chain and yoyo-ing you about so much you may not know which way is up at times. Now you are out of the house and she knows you are serious.

Remember the story about crying wolf?

Me and my wife have not slept together in over a year and only a few times in the last 3, only been married 4 years. Now as far as sleeping with him, she will only admit she spent the night at his house. No sex or fooling around that she will admit to anyway, I just left her this monday 2 days after I found out she actually did sleep over at his house. I caught her on the phone with him late at night and she was gone all week end claiming to be with a girl friend and going out, all night.

She slept with this guy a few week ends ago, before the whole skin cancer thing, that was just today that she went to the doctor. She had it before and it was removed but it came back. She had one over 2 years ago and that was removed and was confirmed to be melanoma the same spot on her leg now is acting up again. It hurts so that is why she went back. So now a cancer doctor has to put her under and remove it check it then remove some more to make sure it is in fact all gone I guess. I will see if I can go with her to that one.

It is a possiblity she is being a drama queen over all this. But the appointment was made before I had left, so she didn't go to the doctor just to play my emotions. but as for the results of her visit it is possible.

Just that she slept over at another guy's house would make me uncomfortable enough.

Notable is that she did not call you when this occurred.

That is enough to not sweat over whether she slept with him. The message, I think is the same. Sounds like that is what she wanted to communicate.

Communicating betrayal is all I need to hear. Don't want to, but have needed to in a few cases.

Your wife's situation healthwise is very serious. I wouldn't bank on anything with regard to this situation short of your own direct interaction with her doctors. As the father of her child this is a good place to try to be.

Like Dako said, I think you can be there for her without having to "be there".

She has put you through enough.

I think that you should express your sympathy but that you will not tolerate her cheating.

Cranbers,

You have been through a lot lately. I am sorry that this is added to the list.

Still will your wife's health problems make your marriage stronger?

I think that Dako is right. How you react to your marriage and trust issues and how you react to the fear or reality of her cancer are two separate things. You should not put yourself and your child into a bad situation just because your wife is sick. If you are still strong enough to be part of her support network with everything else going on then power to you. However, I do not think it is reasonable to expect you to forget her transgressions and pretend that your marriage is suddenly hunky dory just because she is sick.

I'm so sorry you've got so much to deal with, cranbers.

I wouldn't go so far as to say she's lying about having cancer, but the fact that she is complaining at you that "she can't talk to this man she wa with anymore as he was such a good friend and everything, and I took him away from her" really makes me sick. She knows that you took issue with her "friendship" with this man, so why when she is asking you to come back does she bring him up? It seems very tacky to me.

You need to do what is right for you. If you will be incredibly guilty not being with her at this time, then be there (but do it for yourself). If you can't stand to be around her and need to be away from her, then don't contact her.

If you were leaving her because of the cancer, that would be one thing, but leaving in spite of it, especially since you're already living apart, I don't think that's something anyone could fault you for.

I'll just say that if I were you, and I found out she was spending time with this guy while you're living apart from her, I'd be out of there permanently, cancer or no.

The worst thing is that even though I am out of the house now and living with her parents. I am very happy right now and I feel so much more comfortable its just great. I don't have to worry about tip toeing and being yelled at is a thing of the past. I didn't realize just how much time I spent worrying about being yelled at or getting int a fight.

the sad thing is even tonight we argued about this situation over the phone. I emailed her a very through questionaire about what happened that week end. Now she claims that his kids were there, 15 years old and years old. that he really didn't want her to stay there but she asked to. In the end he said it was fine just sleep on the couch etc.

That was the more detail that came up with. The rest of the week end she was in and out of the house she couldn't keep her story straight. It was a very general no details and holes the size of mountains in her stories.

Then natural she turns the topic to my sister and how I hurt her so badly talking to her about our problems and my sister mentioning having a abortion if it comes down to it, and me asking to go see my sister while she was pregnant with my son. Now keep in mind I wa all alone here in this state, over welmed and being smothered with no choices with my wife. I needed to go to someone for support. i barely knew my in laws at that time and I was in the army.

So anyway I don't what to think or say anymore. I know I am comfortable where I am at at this moment. The apartment application has been approved and I have 30 days to move in. I don't think my wife actually thinks ill do it.

We have a marriage counceling session scheduled for next friday. I guess i can keep it together where I am now till then.

The whole thing with her cheating. I mean she spent the night over some guys house a co worker that she says she can talk to and is very close with. She lied to me about him and I caught her on the phone with him trying to talk in secret when I heard the conversation it sounded like bf/gf talk I mean non stop talking where they didn't want to hang up, so for hours they talked.

I never heard of this guy before. she tells me stories about work on a regular basis but this guy whome she worked with for over 18 months was a mystery to me.

Spending the night at someone's house when your married with a child especially a "friend of the opposite sex" is just weird. Add on to it she now says his kids were there? She asked to spend the night and he barely wanted her to? I mean, our relationship is not good, but to go to those lengths to not be at the house just to sleep on someone's couch. that just doesn't sound right to me. I hear how she explains the situation and she is clearly uncomfortable with the topic.

This is the questionaire I wrote her. All she had to do was respond to each area on here with details on how and why and what purpose etc. But she wouldn't, now she says she forgot what all she did that week end I thought all these questions and suspicions were good to figure out.

I really just don't understand how you cannot get it.

1. You slept over at a mans house regardless if you had sex with him or not that was wrong.

2. You have been talking with this man for 18 months and I never even heard of him, no mention what so ever last I heard you hated the i.t. guys at work.

3. You lied to be able to spend all the time you could with him, looked me in the eye and asked my permission to go out with shelly again the night you spent at his house complete with I don't ever do anything guilt trip and just want to have some fun and I won't be coming home because it is so far away which was absolute bull * * * *.

4. Going to the party with him was planned as he called you at 3pm before the party even started. So meeting him at the party and getting close was a lie. I seriously doubt you spent the night at shelly's as im sure her and her boyfriend wanted to screw that night being his birthday thereforeeee having "guests" over would of been pretty odd or remote.

5. I seen the look on your face when I confronted you about him by asking what his name was after I figured out who you were on the phone with, you looked pretty shocked and had no idea how to go about this situation so you lied out of your * * * about it. The fact you did not want me to know you were talking to him and the way you were trying to hide it like you were doing something wrong also says a lot.

6. Sleeping at a mans house when you ra married women is a lot more then what friends do. You are not 17 and you are married with a child. So a "sleepover" as you are trying to put it is completely obsurd.

7. Now you are trying to say his kids were home. The thought of you sitting on the couch talking to his 15 year old and hagning with his 5 year is just plain rediculous. That would of been uncomfortable, awkward and downright weird for you and I know you would not under any circumstances have spent the night there if they were there. Especially when your husband and son are at home sleeping.

8. You are trying to tell me you preferred his "couch" over your own warm bed with your son sleeping in the next room.

9. why would you spend the night at his house? I mean "friends" at our age don't sleep over each others houses unless they are * * * * buddies or they are so drunk they can't drive home after a night of partying.

10. You now claim that he is ugly and you are not attracted to him in the least bit. Well judging by the way you talked you were like boyfriedn and girlfriend. We talked lived together and * * * *ed every night for weeks before we started saying we loved each other. We talked on the phone just like you were talking. The same subjects the same conversation style and the same tone of voice with non stop talking.

11. Even now weeks after I get guilt tripped about not "letting" you talk to him. The fact you can even say you are not takling to him. I mean I knwo you are at work still.

12. Who talks to their "friend" at 2am?

13. You will not give me a detailed itinerary of what you did that week end hour by hour day and night.

14. You are telling me you spent sat night watching 1 movie, eating chinease food which you just got done eating at your moms that night anyway and that was it. Well a movie is only a hour long and you were with him from at least 8pm to 11am the next morning. So I ask again stefanie what did you do all night? YOu didn't go clubbing, you didn't go drinking. What, did, you, do? Give me details hour by hour and I might start to believe you. But you won't even answer any questions about that week end.

15. I want to know where you went sunday night at 2am and monday night from 9pm to 1am when you left. For the first time in 4 years you left your own house when we had a fight. Which was very very odd. That tells me you had somewhere to go. It was his house im sure of it. You already spent the night at his house when we weren't fighting. Are you telling me you didnt go to his house now when we were? Careful that is one of those non nonsense type of questions it either makes sense or it doesn't.

16. Every time you lie, there are holes the size of mountains in your stories. Why if he is just friends can't you just tell the truth? I mean, the truth is innosent, typically right? Friends, is innocent? So confess tell teh truth what you did all week end. Knowing you are still holding stuff back really doesn't help much. If I just know the truth maybe I can accept it but knowing there is more I cannot accept that. The truth will come out eventually. YOu can still sit there and ay there isn't any more but I know there is, so stop lieing. Did you have sex? I am not sure but I know you did something. Just admit what you did do then, and stop just saying what you didn't do.

So those are all my thoughts at least most of them anyway. When all this stuff makes sense is when I will know you are telling the truth to me. Keep it as is, I don't see much hope for us. I won't be able to trust you and I will believe every time I am with you in any way that you were with another man.

So think about it. Time is ticking, tick tick tick tick.(apartment at the end of the month remember)

I will be there for you during this whole cancer thing, but as a friend and not as a husband at least as long as this thing is hanging over my head. I will go with you to your doctor appointment next week and will be there for you. But once again, as a friend.

My mom taught me the I don't remember defense. And my mom is one of the most dishonest I know. Your wife knows this is ending, or could. She does not want to "remember" these things for you which may come out in a divorce proceeding or be revealed to family and friends.

File for divorce w/ infidelity as the reason BEFORE she tries to file.

Ask around for good divorce lawyers in your area, then contact them so she can't get them. (conflict of interest)

First of all, I am really sorry this has happened to you.

My dad died from melanoma in November. Not long after diagnosis he had an affair that lasted for quite some time. My mom found out about a year into the affair and of course, was extremely angry, hurt, betrayed, etc, etc, but she didn't want to throw the marriage away and she stayed and loved and supported him the best way she knew how. I would recommend staying and supporting her if you love her and think your marriage is at all worth fighting for. Whether you stay or not, I would say it is imperative that you two work through the infidelity (you need to be SURE that's what it was). My dad died before he and mom ever really worked through his reasons for cheating, etc, and it is eating her up now because she cannot ask him. For your peace of mind and your wife's, at least work at understanding where she was coming from and try to forgive, if you can. You have the chance to work through it...take it.

Oh, and...melanoma is a nasty, nasty way to go. Watching my dad die that way was horrible and it not something I would wish on my worst enemy. She is going to need all the love and support she can get. I wouldn't waste any time...once my dad's was metastatic, it was only a matter of months before he died. God bless, and I wish the best for you.

This woman is utterly disgusting and disrespectful to you regardless of what she is going through personally.

I have been cheated on before by my last ex. He tried to lay the pity card on me, similar to what your wife is doing. But sob stories do not excuse or justify the reason to stray and be unfaithful.

What you are going through is extremely tough. The hardest part is not her illness but her lying and betrayal, which she did before her diagnosis.

If you decide to walk, the less details you know the better, trust me. I wish I never asked as many questions as I did the night I caught my ex cheating on me, and I wish for anything in the world to erase these disgusting images in my head.

I think it all depends on how you feel. Would you like to work on things? Do you think you could get past the cheating? If not then don't go back. It is awful if she has skin cancer but it doesn't change the fact that she cheated on you. If that is not something you can get past then it makes no difference. You can support her through it even if you are not together.

Sad story! How did you do finally?

I'd leave her. Cancer would not factor into the decision at all and I think it would be an awful mistake to let that influence your decision.