Wife has melanoma skin cancer and cheated, do i leave her?

[cranbers]

So I am faced with a very difficult decision. As alot of you know my story my wife who i am now living separately from, went to a derm appointment today. She has had it in the past and they were removed but now there are some that could potentially be much further along. She still has to get an appointment to get that looked at and have it removed and to see if it has spread or anything.

Point is my wife cheated on me about 2 weeks ago, she spent the night with another man, she won't admit she did anything with him but the obvious is the obvious, why did she spend the night with him then?

Anyway I am now out of the house, staying with her parents for a short time and she comes to me with this news about this skin cancer thing. So yeah, what do you do? She now wnats me to tell her I love her when we talk on the phone and she says she needs support and is all alone. Now keep in mind she has a mother, father and 4 including her brother and 2 sisters. but she is all alone? She also throws out the guilt trip she can't talk to this man she wa with anymore as he was such a good friend and everything, and I took him away from her.

this sucks, if she dies in the next 6 months or something what am I going to do, ill die from guilt for sure.

[melrich]

I don't know. Some things have the magnitude to put all others into perspective. Melanoma is a big one. If it's not caught before secondaries it's just about the most aggressive cancer out there and is certain death.

I can only say if it were me I'd try and be as supportive as I could in such a situation. You probably have to look within yourself, minus ego, to work out how you want/need to respond.

[fortywhatever]

Originally Posted by cranbers

So I am faced with a very difficult decision. As alot of you know my story my wife who i am now living separately from, went to a derm appointment today. She has had it in the past and they were removed but now there are some that could potentially be much further along. She still has to get an appointment to get that looked at and have it removed and to see if it has spread or anything.

Point is my wife cheated on me about 2 weeks ago, she spent the night with another man, she won't admit she did anything with him but the obvious is the obvious, why did she spend the night with him then?

Anyway I am now out of the house, staying with her parents for a short time and she comes to me with this news about this skin cancer thing. So yeah, what do you do? She now wnats me to tell her I love her when we talk on the phone and she says she needs support and is all alone. Now keep in mind she has a mother, father and 4 including her brother and 2 sisters. but she is all alone? She also throws out the guilt trip she can't talk to this man she wa with anymore as he was such a good friend and everything, and I took him away from her.

this sucks, if she dies in the next 6 months or something what am I going to do, ill die from guilt for sure.

Without knowing your complete story.... Dealing with any kind of illness is tough and I'm sorry about hers, but I would make a bet that she is feeling guilty and now since she is also a "victim" (due to her illness), she is wanting you to care for her and to be there for her and give her what she may not get from her man friend. And No she is not all alone. She's playing with your feelings. Just my 2 cents.

[Dako]

Life's really laying it on you.

I think you can support her without pretending everything is fine with her cheating.
Do you want to reconcile?
If not, I'd suggest living apart and lending support as a friend. It's a tough road, but sometimes the high road is best. She could live with her supportive parents, you could lend an ear, drive her to appointments and all that. Whatever happens to her health, it's not your fault. Right now you may be tempted to return to her, but you may resent it over time.

After my ex dumped me, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that no local doctor would remove. There was a period where we feared the worst, but after a long process, she found treatment and recovered with some damage. I was as supportive as she'd allow, and glad she's better.
She's like a sister to me now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

melanoma is a very serious disease, but all these things stacking up at once makes me wonder... are you sure she has really been diagnosed with this (i.e., gone to Dr.'s appts. and has future treatments scheduled), or possibly just trying to play on your sympathy and manipulate you to get you back after being caught cheating?

i have seen people do this, or a variant of this, in fact had someone do this to me... he used cancer as an excuse to pull be back in again, but i later discovered he did not have cancer at all, just playing on my sympathies and stalling for time to draw me in... another variant of this is women who claim to be pregnant after a breakup, to mysteriously miscarry after she has reunited with her partner... never pregnant at all...

so i suggest you tell her you will accompany her to her next doctor's appt and want to look over the test results and options with her and accompany her on treatments... if she waffles over this or makes excuses for you not to come with her, then you may have a problem there... if she is genuinely ill, she will welcome you supporting her...

[annie24]

I agree with BSBH. I think given her history with you, it is entirely possible she is manipulating you once more. I agree, go with her to the appointment, talk to the doctor. If she seems reluctant for you to accompany her, I think something may be fishy.

[cranbers]

Well she did come back with a bunch of moles taken off, I will ask for evidance as you guys suggestion. I guess it is possible, but that would be pretty low even for her. I didn't really think of that though so yeah, maybe your all right.

[Rabican]

I would simply tell her that until she can come to terms with the fact that your marriage is in a state of complete ruin, and that she has done you much wrong you have nothing to talk about. The first step to fixing anything, or having anything further to do with her, is her realizing her mistakes and betrayal. If she cannot do that, then just move on man. Her security blanket just got taken away, Im sure she doesnt like that right now. She will probably say, do, connive, plot, plan etc. any way she can to get that back. You have to worry about you first, her second. IF she does have cancer, then be there as a friend, but not a husband.
Her innapropriate behavior with this 'friend' is off the charts. Its simply OFF THE CHARTS. There is really no way to justify it, or reason it out. Its wrong, and would be hurtful to everyone on this board, everyone who read your post will tell you the same thing. And what does she do? She doesnt apologize, she guilts you for her making a huge mess of things.

Again, worry about you first bro. Make yourself happy, and then if you can find it in you lend her an olive branch of 'friendship' if you feel you must. But dont pretend to be her husband until she is willing and activly making an attempt to fix her past mess.

[cantexplain]

I had malignant melanoma and did not cheat.

Fortunately my malignant melanoma went away - they cut it all out the first time.

I am not familiar with latest technology, but likely what is occuring now is that pathologists are examining the peripheries of the biopsies - making sure it appears they cut it all out. So these are moles that are new or ones that were old and changed shape/color? I am curious is this in the same area as earlier biopsies - or different part of the body?

They should also be palpitating her lymph nodes and doing blood tests. She should already know the results of the most recent palpitations.

So I'm guessing you can ask the doctor about these things when you accompany her.

She is still the mother of your son, so I think you should definitely offer to accompany her to the doctor. You need to know the truth for your son's sake. So there is an advantage here to her warming up to you in the face of this escalation of her health challenge.

I like the idea that her cheating on you is separate from you being emotionally supportive of her during this challenge to her physical health.

Since she has betrayed you by apparently sleeping with another man -- and all this other stuff is going on -- I'd DEFINITELY feel uncomfortable supporting her physically (sexually) as she goes through her emotional challenges.

She's been yanking your chain and yoyo-ing you about so much you may not know which way is up at times. Now you are out of the house and she knows you are serious.

Remember the story about crying wolf?

[cranbers]

Originally Posted by cantexplain

I had malignant melanoma and did not cheat.

Fortunately my malignant melanoma went away - they cut it all out the first time.

I am not familiar with latest technology, but likely what is occuring now is that pathologists are examining the peripheries of the biopsies - making sure it appears they cut it all out. So these are moles that are new or ones that were old and changed shape/color? I am curious is this in the same area as earlier biopsies - or different part of the body?

They should also be palpitating her lymph nodes and doing blood tests. She should already know the results of the most recent palpitations.

So I'm guessing you can ask the doctor about these things when you accompany her.

She is still the mother of your son, so I think you should definitely offer to accompany her to the doctor. You need to know the truth for your son's sake. So there is an advantage here to her warming up to you in the face of this escalation of her health challenge.

I like the idea that her cheating on you is separate from you being emotionally supportive of her during this challenge to her physical health.

Since she has betrayed you by apparently sleeping with another man -- and all this other stuff is going on -- I'd DEFINITELY feel uncomfortable supporting her physically (sexually) as she goes through her emotional challenges.

She's been yanking your chain and yoyo-ing you about so much you may not know which way is up at times. Now you are out of the house and she knows you are serious.

Remember the story about crying wolf?

Me and my wife have not slept together in over a year and only a few times in the last 3, only been married 4 years. Now as far as sleeping with him, she will only admit she spent the night at his house. No sex or fooling around that she will admit to anyway, I just left her this monday 2 days after I found out she actually did sleep over at his house. I caught her on the phone with him late at night and she was gone all week end claiming to be with a girl friend and going out, all night.

She slept with this guy a few week ends ago, before the whole skin cancer thing, that was just today that she went to the doctor. She had it before and it was removed but it came back. She had one over 2 years ago and that was removed and was confirmed to be melanoma the same spot on her leg now is acting up again. It hurts so that is why she went back. So now a cancer doctor has to put her under and remove it check it then remove some more to make sure it is in fact all gone I guess. I will see if I can go with her to that one.

It is a possiblity she is being a drama queen over all this. But the appointment was made before I had left, so she didn't go to the doctor just to play my emotions. but as for the results of her visit it is possible.