Huh???....what?!?!?....

[fnlyfrei]

HI....

 

I have posted lots about my fiance', we have our share of challenges as a couple....my three kids, a kooky ex husband, financial things, jealousy...

I am steadily working on things....but this weekend he throws this out...(I JUST ordered invitations for our wedding by the way...)

 

He said that perhaps we should NOT legally marry because of the financial challenges he has (child support arrears...) Just have the ceremony, and live together, to spare ME from the problems associated with his bills..etc...

 

I knew all of this from the start... He also knows I refuse to live with anyone while my sons are still living at home. He says he considers us married already.

 

Um, WHY would he bring this up NOW?!?!?! I asked him if this was his way of saying he doesn't want to marry...he said it wasn't....(???) Sounds like it to me.

 

He has family and friends coming to the wedding...so he still wants the ceremony....BUT...I don't want a fake ceremony....I think we should put this off until or unless he wants to do it for real...and I am not living with anyone...no if, ands or buts!

How do I find out for sure if he wants to marry at all even? Or is he just having a case of the freak-outs or cold feet? I would just like to know before I spend another penny on the wedding.....

 

:splat:

[Dako]

Maybe he's just nervous about getting married.

He obviosly wants you and your children in a big huge way, but worries about fiances and details in an irrational way.

 

Jitters.

[Kalika]

Actually, he may have a point.. You should both consult an attorney. Your income may be lost to child support as well if you marry.

 

I understand your irritation with him not bringing this up sooner, and you are definitely right that he should have mentioned this earlier.. But if you are going to marry him, you should know what you're getting into financially.

[Beec]

Could it jsut be that he does not want to saddle the woman he cares about with what he feels hould be his own problems. I like Kalika's advice.

 

If the man still wants to stand with you and commit, then I think you might just be worrying.

[ghost69]

i've heard when someone gets married, their kids become the new spouse's responsibility too. financially as well.

[fnlyfrei]

i've heard when someone gets married, their kids become the new spouse's responsibility too. financially as well.

 

 

That isn't the issue here. His daughter is 18 and lives in another state. My sons are supported by their father and I. Our issue is that he owes a substantial amount of money (not a horrific amount)...he says he is afraid that the state will go after a house or my income when we marry.

 

I suppose consulting an lawyer would be best at this moment, to know what we are up against. And of course if you marry someone with kids you will be involved in their lives. Duh. You make it sound like you are adopting them....nope. Not the case.

[shikashika]

I have never been married, nor do I have any children, so perhaps my advice is useless!

 

I guess I would wonder if he is going to back out of this now.. what else is he going to back out of?

 

To me, NOt getting the marriage certificate is like saying " oh yeah I like you, i even love you, but I don't want any binding commitment just-in-case!

 

then again, I don't know the ins and outs of child support laws.

 

i guess i see marriage as 'you take all of me, debts, children and all"

 

Marriage, to me, isn't "I want to be commited to you but not that debt part and not that child support part" ... its ALL of that person, whether they have a criminal record or a large inheritance, or one leg or 7 children.

 

 

 

I think you should stand your ground. You made this clear to him in the beginning and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your values because he 'just doesn't feel like it anymore' i don't know him.. but thats what it sounds like ti me.. i hope i don't offend!

 

To me its also very inconsiderate that he would mention this now!! i would be wondering what he may do later?

 

i hope i've been at least some help! good luck, i hope it all works out for you!

[Kalika]

he owes a substantial amount of money (not a horrific amount)

 

If he owes money, why hasn't he tried to pay it off before the wedding?? You said it isn't a completely hefty amount, so I'm assuming it's less than what a wedding would cost him.....?

[scarew]

I can see why you would be initially upset. But if you really think about it its just his logical way of protecting you and showing that he cares. Talk to him about seeing a lawyer about it because to you its not worth it unless its the real thing.

 

If you two decide to post the wedding, its not a big deal. My friend went through a similar situation. They needed to wait another year before they were able to claim a dual income (tax purposes) so they sent out a second invitation right after the first. It simply said "Our wedding has now been post poned to (such and such date) due to legal matters. We hope you can still attend the celebration of our love with us"

 

It was something like that. Anyways, because they took the time to put their picture on another invitation and send it away to everyone no one raised an eyebrow as to why they had decided to post pone. It was just accepted, and everyone came to the real one a year later.

[ghost69]

you want a guy that racks up a lot of debt?

[fnlyfrei]

you want a guy that racks up a lot of debt?

 

Thanks for your one-liner-non-advice-opinion.

 

Yes, I want him. I think a bit of debt is better than ending up with some of the total creeps I have had the pleasure to date. Gosh, some women stay with men who cheat and smack them around....

[RayKay]

You have been together 6 months or so, right?

 

I think it is pretty normal that he may be having some concerns and be nervous about things that soon in. Even if you "know" there are still going to be concerns and doubts, as "knowing" you want to be with them is quite different than knowing how in the long run you are together, etc.

 

Have you two attended pre-marital counselling together? It might be a good idea if you have not to maybe get to the root of some of those worries and address them together. It's not marriage people fear, but BAD marriages and divorce! Maybe going to counselling will help put the cards out on the table and see where the conflicts may lay and address them.

[Dako]

When I married, I had a panicky phase, even though I was totally devoted to my fiancee. I took that step very seriously.

[fnlyfrei]

I have gone through that phase myself on and off....of course, in my heart I want to marry him, I knew I loved him not long after we met. I just knew. As I have gotten to know him over the past seven months, I love him more and more. Nothing is perfect. But the positives so far, outweigh the negatives, hands down. He is wonderful. My best friend.

[Kalika]

I have gone through that phase myself on and off....of course, in my heart I want to marry him, I knew I loved him not long after we met. I just knew. As I have gotten to know him over the past seven months, I love him more and more. Nothing is perfect. But the positives so far, outweigh the negatives, hands down. He is wonderful. My best friend.

 

When is he planning to pay off the debt?? If he does still owe child support, paying that off should be his first priority before he marries.

[fnlyfrei]

I guess we would have to wait a few years then...but we really want to live together soon...and I refuse to do so unless we are married. I dunno, lots to consider...and the wedding is already set. ( a very low-budget wedding btw)

[ghost69]

I guess we would have to wait a few years then...but we really want to live together soon...and I refuse to do so unless we are married. I dunno, lots to consider...and the wedding is already set. ( a very low-budget wedding btw)

 

you don't want to see what he is like in the same home before committing?

[fnlyfrei]

you don't want to see what he is like in the same home before committing?

 

Nope. I have kids. They live with me. I do not want them to get attached to someone on a trial basis. All or nothing. Lots of people do not live together before they are married. If he did not want to marry, I wouldn't even consider moving in with him. At all. Been there, done that. I want my kids to have some stability. Testing a relationship out or playing house in their presense isn't cool to me.

 

And we are already committed to each other.

[freeindeed]

There could be a possibility that he might be afraid of the responsibility he'll be taking on when he marries you as step-father to your children. If the amount of debt he owes is not substantial (I'm not going to pry, but I'm going to assume it's less than a couple thousand), then he should not have to worry about creditors, or whomever, coming after your assets or property...so I feel like there may be something else he's scared about.

 

I understand that you and your ex have things worked out financially for the support of your children, but in his mind he might be a little scared about being responsible for more children while his children are grown and out of the house.

 

Is he open to talking about these matters with you?

 

I'm sorry that he said this so late in the game, I'd be freaking out too.

[fnlyfrei]

Nope, it's alot. My kids are nearly grown, and he is actually a terrific parent, and loves to be involved in their lives. (Part of the reason he appealed to me so much is that he raised his own daughter until she was 12...alone. He is a better "mom" than I am!) I guess he could be freaking out, but my sons do have a father who does see them and support them financially...I am not looking for anyone to take over. I actually would rather be alone than to cope with anyone who had that attitude, or even let my kids become attached to them. He is very open about talking to me. We almost over-hash and analize everything. Being married again freaks me out too, for other reasons at times. If I let myself be negatory.

[Kalika]

Obviously there's something going on, whether it's a financial issue or something deeper.. You may seriously want to consider postponing the wedding until you sort it out.

[scarew]

Okay, ghost, I don't want to start any arguments here, but as the OP said, no one-liner-non-advice posts. This rant goes for anyone who likes to give their two cents without really considering the other's feelings.

 

I hate it when you go to post something about your relationship that you are NOT even considering ending and people just tell you to rethink the whole thing. Its such an easy conclusion.

 

If fnly had posted a "Should I stay or should I go" thread or a "Do I really want to marrry him" thread, then I think that sort of advice is appropriate. But she posted a thread that expressed her confusion.

 

I don't think its fair to ask her to reconsider marrying the guy, and I don't think its fair to bash the man for his debts. We all have them, geez. Child support is not really a debt, its a monthly (or biweekly or whatever) payment. Man, at least the dude is paying it!

 

Fnly, I strongly respect your decision to not move in until you have committment. My mother used to always make us wonder where the heck we were going to live next month with her multiple relationships. I do hope that it doesn't cause you to rush into anything, but I am sure you know what you are doing. xoxo

[fnlyfrei]

Fnly, I strongly respect your decision to not move in until you have committment. My mother used to always make us wonder where the heck we were going to live next month with her multiple relationships. I do hope that it doesn't cause you to rush into anything, but I am sure you know what you are doing. xoxo

 

Exactly...I really do not want my life interrupting their stabilty anymore. Unless this is going to be well thought out, I won't move an inch. My kids deserve to stay in one place and finish high school. Nope..not rushing. No need to...we are just hoping to move from our cramped apartment into a house...and I was planning this even if I had not met my fiance'.

[RayKay]

Has there been any more news on this front hon?

 

Meaning, have you two discussed this more, or thought of ways to approach it? Any new solutions (like postponing wedding, counselling, etc?)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If he is really worried about the financial protection aspect, most people in second marriages bring financial issues into the marriage. that can be dealt with via a lawyer, and property separate before a marriage can't be attached by the prior spouse UNLESS you switch the property to joint status. And i don't think they could garnish your paycheck, though they could garnish his. so a one hour consultation with an attorney or legal service might provide enough information to ease his mind and protect yourself financially.

 

on the other hand, this might be a smokescreen for his true feelings that you are rushing into marriage. i married after only knowing someone 5 months, and regret that, since i didn't know him as well as i thought at the time. he may be great and perfect for you, but it would not hurt to wait another 6 months to a year or two to see if everything pans out the way you hope. most people do wait a couple years before marriage, to make sure that things really will turn out for the best.

 

so maybe he is really worried about the 'newness' factor of jumping into a marriage so soon after starting dating, and pushing for living together may be his way of trying to stall for time there.

 

best of luck, if it is just the financial thing, a visit to a lawyer should be able to take care of that...