fnlyfrei Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 We are still hashing out things. Had an emotional discussion this weekend. I guess in some ways I hide how I REALLY feel about things because I don't want to rock the boat. We have been single people in charge of our own bills and money. My first marriage had a huge issue with money...my ex and I had some big power struggles over money...mainly, I paid the bills and took care of things, he acted like a rebellious child and spent what we couldn't afford on himself. Made a huge fissure in the whole trust/working together as a couple dynamic. I am afraid of having to fight about money again...I wish we could keep our financial things separate while being married...is that weird? I do love him, I just do not want my sons and I left financially destitute again...maybe it's a groundless fear? Link to comment
Scout Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Nope. I have kids. They live with me. I do not want them to get attached to someone on a trial basis. All or nothing. Lots of people do not live together before they are married. If he did not want to marry, I wouldn't even consider moving in with him. At all. Been there, done that. I want my kids to have some stability. Testing a relationship out or playing house in their presense isn't cool to me. And we are already committed to each other. Understood, but you don't want your kids to get attached to your husband and then the marriage falls apart. frnly...are you sure you two aren't moving too fast on the marriage idea? There do seem to be some significant issues that aren't exactly what I would call resolved. Link to comment
Scout Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 My first marriage had a huge issue with money...my ex and I had some big power struggles over money...mainly, I paid the bills and took care of things Well, I could really see how history could repeat itself if you marry him before he has his financial issues dealt with. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 Could it jsut be that he does not want to saddle the woman he cares about with what he feels hould be his own problems. I like Kalika's advice. If the man still wants to stand with you and commit, then I think you might just be worrying. It could be a kind of "test," or he is being gallant by offering you a graceful exit, just in case YOU are having second thoughts. I gave my husband a chance to change his mind, because I was more for the state of marriage than he was... and he said, NO WAY WE ARE GETTING MARRIED BABY! So now's your chance to tell him... Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 It could be a kind of "test," or he is being gallant by offering you a graceful exit, just in case YOU are having second thoughts. I gave my husband a chance to change his mind, because I was more for the state of marriage than he was... and he said, NO WAY WE ARE GETTING MARRIED BABY! So now's your chance to tell him... Yes, have also repeatedly asked him if he is sure...I know there are times when I have my fears and doubts...I think it is normal after what we both have been through in past relationships. He has told me over and over that this is it, we are meant to be together, he will never give up on us. He has agreed to whatever counseling we need. I guess I have felt that he is too good to be true because for the most part, dating introduced me to the world of liars and players. When I met my fiance', there was none of that. I was amazed. There is no way to predict the outcome of this or any relationship, there is no crystal ball unfortunately. He treats my sons well, they respect him. He is a very patient, loving, and kind person. I have never been happier with anyone, and have learned that I also need to be happy with myself. I know I will never stupidly throw all my eggs into one basket again financially, and I know I need to have a life of my own, not to just be focused on my relationship. I bought him his wedding band this weekend. I know we have mountains to climb, but I think I chose the right person to climb them with. He is awesome. I love him very much. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Well then. Tell me again... why do you want OUR input? Sounds like you are doing really well Link to comment
Dako Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Maybe she just wants a second opinion, but from my seat in the peanut gallery, she's doing better than 99% of the forum members at relationship 101. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks Dako...and I miss the pictures you post in your avatar. I was trying to think of what to write in reply, I wrote something, and then chose not to post it. I have been thinking ...the problem is that I think too much. I watched this movie called "the peaceful warrior"...it was about a gymnast who battled a war..a war against himself. We all complain about the internet, other people trying to steal our loved ones,money..the other guy messing things up for us... everything seems to be working against us here on this planet..but guess what? It's not. We are actually working against ourselves. Messing up our own lives from the inside out. And guess what? Once we gain control of that....worry....worry about the past, the future...we try to prognosticate what will happen. I know I do. I drive myself crazy sometimes, and I am very unhappy. But when I let all that go...and enjoy my kids laughing, my cat doing something ingenious, or take a deep breath of air just after a spring rain...and live in that moment...only then am I truly happy. It reminds me of working out...(which I skipped this evening, but I am getting up at five am to go do..) We all cry and moan about the cardio, the weights, our aches and pains to get to where we want to be...(giving up unhealthy foods, overeating..etc) when what we really should be doing is enjoying every minute of running, think about how strong we are, and how much stronger we are becoming. How really great healthy foods do taste...not whining that we aren't getting a greasy cheeseburger slathered in mayo. Psychologically too or spiritually...not just mentally. You can cry about who wronged you in the past FOREVER....and guess what...the bad feelings will never go away. You can worry about the new person in your life maybe hurting you, you can be clingly and needy and drive them away, making your imaginings a reality...that is what I have been doing. The more I learn about the person I love, the more I have imagined how he could turn on me...so I push him away from time to time...worry about things that might have never been, and could make them a reality just by thinking them so much. So smooth the worry lines off your once-beautiful face, go for a hard run and rejoice that you CAN run.. read a good book, soak in the tub..listen to som e happy music....expect the best, work on the here and now... and you will be happy. Right now. Link to comment
spinstermanquee Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Maybe she just wants a second opinion, but from my seat in the peanut gallery, she's doing better than 99% of the forum members at relationship 101. You are spot on Dako! My humour was a tad sarcastic... I was trying to say the same thing. Good for you fnlyfrei! And, after reading your last post, I am going to live more in the moment. So thanks! Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 You are spot on Dako! My humour was a tad sarcastic... I was trying to say the same thing. Good for you fnlyfrei! And, after reading your last post, I am going to live more in the moment. So thanks! Awww wendy, I'll bet you already live in the moment..you sound like a happy person! Link to comment
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