Well, this sucks

[Daligal83]

Oh, and I think it's great that you said you won't bring children into the world unless you can give them the best upbringing. I'm going into the child welfare field (if I can get a job that is) and it's just so refreshing to see that attitude.

[Batya33]

The issue is not that he doesn't want to change - it's that he likely is an alcoholic and getting over this addiction/disease will require him to want to change for himself and will require a loooonggg road ahead. It's not the same as changing a habit of chronic lateness, etc. I don't mean to "sound" patronizing - but I was concerned that you were comparing apples/oranges.

[EvaGina]

Daligal... Im going into high school councelling... I would NEVER want my kids to have anything but the best childhood

 

hes not continually drunk, just to clarify

 

Im an alcoholic too... yay for feeding off eachothers vices!

he does want to stop the excessive drinking and he wants to quite ciggerettes as well, but he doesnt feel now is the time, which is fair enough.

 

I have nothing against drinking, as long as it doesnt interfere with your relationships, damage your health or affect your work/study.

at the moment its really affecting me and he should be working on assignments today, but he will be sleeping.. so its affecting his study...

tonights talk will be tough

[ghost69]

i'd be pissed if my gf came over 630am period.

i be like just stay home. after drinking too, it seems like he might not have gotten with any chicks, so he wanted to get with you. i don't know how he is when he goes out though. but i used to do this with chicks i was just acquainted with and no exclusivity. it's called booty calls. sorry to be blunt on that. just some perspective of what could be happening. i hope this isn't the case for you.

[EvaGina]

i'd be pissed if my gf came over 630am period.

i be like just stay home. after drinking too, it seems like he might not have gotten with any chicks, so he wanted to get with you. i don't know how he is when he goes out though. but i used to do this with chicks i was just acquainted with and no exclusivity. it's called booty calls. sorry to be blunt on that. just some perspective of what could be happening. i hope this isn't the case for you.

 

no

he never, ever just comes over to have sex with me... its not his style at all

he would have just gone home, but he said he would come over, so he did... if he hadnt have come at all I wouldnt have spoken to him again, period.

 

EDIT: thats one thing I am sure of... he does love me, he would never cheat and he doesnt just want me for sex

hes pretty much perfect... its just this late-ness thing... he does it to EVERYONE, not just me..

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you've had trouble with this repeatedly, I think its not something that will go away.

 

Its not a fun thing to think about, but does the worry and frustration on your part mean you're happy in the relationship? Is the good worth how upset you were and are? Does this inconsiderate behavior spill over into other things?

[EvaGina]

If you've had trouble with this repeatedly, I think its not something that will go away.

 

Its not a fun thing to think about, but does the worry and frustration on your part mean you're happy in the relationship? Is the good worth how upset you were and are? Does this inconsiderate behavior spill over into other things?

 

thats what I am trying to figure out.

its not like hes inconsiderate in every way... just in this late-ness thing.

He is amazing most of the time... he does the most brilliant things... hes the only person who comes close to being similar to me.

 

Its scary to think of losing the only person who makes me feel proud for being me... I dont pretend to be anyone else with him, he makes me MORE myself!!

 

at the moment, that freedom does outweigh the stress...

I have spent my whole life being isolated, even by my (strange) family, for being so damn weird... and he loves me for it!!

I dno... it means a lot... y;know?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I do know, I feel 100% at home with only one person, too.

 

Its a hard choice.

 

I know I'd be on the fence. I wish I could help you more.

 

Does he want to change the way he acts? I mean not just to make you happy, but because he wants to do better for himself? If he would really want to do that for himself, it would something the both of you could work together on.

 

I hate the idea of asking someone to change, but I have no problem helping someone to change. Its hard (I've had a few problems I've worked to over come) and having support is always a help.

[Locke2121]

Sis, you keep saying that your not being singled out...that he does "this lateness thing" to everyone. Isn't there some wiggle room there? Couldn't you like...I don't know....Krazy Glue a pager to his scrotum or something?

 

All jokes aside, this just sounds like his nature to me...thats hard to change...even if you want to!

[EvaGina]

I dont mind if hes late (within reason and as long as there isnt something that has an actuall start time)

I put up with him being a little late all the time, it bothers me, but I see it as a comprimise... for telling me when he will be super later...

 

BUT, we were just at lunch, he came and got me, and I asked him what he was going to do... he went quiet for a second, looking embarrassed, then said he wants to contact the drug and alcohol helpline people... that he knows he has a problem.

 

Hes also going to try find a job in engineering (what hes studying) so he can quit the pub. He asked if he still had to work one or 2 nights at the pub, if I could come and meet him after work until he felt like he was strong enough to NOT drink on his own.

 

and we are going to do it together... hes going to contact the helpline and get some advice, then we are going to stop drinking

[CarnelianButterfly]

COOL! \\ Good Luck to both of you. This is a big step and you're going to be so happy when you get thru this

 

Engineering can be tough and stressful, so it might be hard on him and drinking will be a outlet, but try to encourage him to run or exercise. It helps so much more. (I'm in engr, too, so I know how a good exhausting physical out let can take my mind off of things)

[EvaGina]

COOL! \\ Good Luck to both of you. This is a big step and you're going to be so happy when you get thru this

 

Engineering can be tough and stressful, so it might be hard on him and drinking will be a outlet, but try to encourage him to run or exercise. It helps so much more. (I'm in engr, too, so I know how a good exhausting physical out let can take my mind off of things)

 

 

I know he drinks to relieve stress, you are right, but what he didnt get till now, is that there is a difference between rewarding youself with a beer or a glass of wine after a hard day of study... and getting blotto every night...

 

In the end the weight gain, disruption of study, loss of money and degredation to relationships makes the drinking a SOURCE of stress, not a reliever...

 

I hope he does this... I think he really wants to! I didnt ask him to or anything!

[Locke2121]

I know he drinks to relieve stress, you are right, but what he didnt get till now, is that there is a difference between rewarding youself with a beer or a glass of wine after a hard day of study... and getting blotto every night...

 

In the end the weight gain, disruption of study, loss of money and degredation to relationships makes the drinking a SOURCE of stress, not a reliever...

 

I hope he does this... I think he really wants to! I didnt ask him to or anything!

 

I guess he knows its time to grow up to the next level of adult.

 

I wish you two all the luck in the world...it really sounds to me like he wants to step up and be your man...and I think he'll do it.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I know I've had a few glasses of wine to get over a rough day. But one or two glasses is a stress reliever and red wine is good for you. Getting plastered on a regular basis is why I've not dated several engr guys that asked me out, its not good for you.

 

Alcohol is a tough habit to get over, its such an accepted and prevalent drug in our world.

 

Maybe going to AA meeting together and really being together on this will help. It wouldn't hurt to try.

[EvaGina]

I know I've had a few glasses of wine to get over a rough day. But one or two glasses is a stress reliever and red wine is good for you. Getting plastered on a regular basis is why I've not dated several engr guys that asked me out, its not good for you.

 

Alcohol is a tough habit to get over, its such an accepted and prevalent drug in our world.

 

Maybe going to AA meeting together and really being together on this will help. It wouldn't hurt to try.

 

I have quit before on my own... I was dry for aaaaaaaaaaaaaages

its just such a good way to meet new people in a new city... y'know?

it also helps (in the short term) with my anxiety.

 

AA isnt Maccas kind of thing, either... he likes/needs support, but he is a very private person. Neither of us could do the AA thing... to us it would be like going to a new baptist church (are those the ones with the "power of christ" adn stuff?) just... not our style

 

he wants to call this helpline, which is a good idea, or a good start, methinks

[Ash]

Perhaps a somewhat silly comment, but I think it's been pretty good that you can talk about this issue on here on perhaps get the chance to really review how things are and could be, make the right decisions and if it works out ... get him to see where you're coming from and come to some sort of compromise. I think in the long run, perhaps better than your initial thought! Best of luck.

[EvaGina]

Perhaps a somewhat silly comment, but I think it's been pretty good that you can talk about this issue on here on perhaps get the chance to really review how things are and could be, make the right decisions and if it works out ... get him to see where you're coming from and come to some sort of compromise. I think in the long run, perhaps better than your initial thought! Best of luck.

 

thanks

I feel heaps better now

its such a good feeling to know that we wont be all weird around eachother as well... with all my ex's, when we fought there would be this horrible heaviness for ages, a resentment

with Macca, although I still feel horrible (might just be the lack of sleep) we had heaps of fun at lunch time, and he doesnt get all "get over it" when I say something snarky or shy away from being kissed... which makes me less snarky!!

 

win win!

 

-rants-

 

man, I totally need to sleep

[CarnelianButterfly]

You guys will be your own support group then

 

Communication wins another one

[Siriana]

I'm affraid he has a tendency to become alchoholic.

Any examples in his family?

 

Sorry...I red your post after writing this where he admitted he thinks he has a problem.

[EvaGina]

I'm affraid he has a tendency to become alchoholic.

Any examples in his family?

 

Sorry...I red your post after writing this where he admitted he thinks he has a problem.

 

lol

we are giving up together

we made a plan, NO drinking weeknights, not even one drink after work or anything... and only drinking fri or sat night if we are out doing something big, or for an occasion...

 

that said, I am still going to have a glass of wine with him on his bday in a few weeks

[Locke2121]

Just be strong sis. I know how easy it is to use booze to dull day to day problems. I have one heck of an addictive personality. I've went through hell, but I've beat light drugs, smoking, booze and now overeating.

 

You're both going to have hard days were all you want to do is kill a six pack or toke a joint. But just stop and think, "Do I REALLY need this?" That moment of thought should be enough for your resolve to keep you from doing it.

 

Good luck sis.

[Scout]

I know he drinks to relieve stress, you are right, but what he didnt get till now, is that there is a difference between rewarding youself with a beer or a glass of wine after a hard day of study... and getting blotto every night...

 

In the end the weight gain, disruption of study, loss of money and degredation to relationships makes the drinking a SOURCE of stress, not a reliever...

 

Hi, EG...I'm really glad to hear about the lunch you two had together, and very proud of both of you for confronting alcohol issues head on. Your road ahead may not be an easy one at times, but at least the two of you have the open mind and courage to at least get on a new road.

 

I want to mention something about the alcohol used to alleviate stress point. That's absolutely correct. It's also accurate that if over-used as a replacement for almost all stress allieviation, it does become an additional source of stress.

 

Many people, myself included, first start using alcohol to deal with stress. Either the stress of fitting in with your peer group, the stress of problems at home or school, the stress of dealing with emotional pain and anguish, or even the stress of boredom - because boredom, emptiness, etc. can make one unhappy and stressed about the fact their life seems to hold little meaning or purpose.

 

So, there's a myriad of reasons that can propel one to being introduced to alcohol use, which can become heavier and heavier over time. I believe it becomes more pronounced as we use it to replace other things in our life.

 

So, the trick is to start adding things in your life to replace alcohol. Physical fitness. Spiritual journeying. A combination of both (yoga, meditation, etc.) And to make sure you incorporate that everyday in your life.

 

Thinking of it that way also helps to take away the monumental, almost insurmountable obstacle: "I have an alcohol problem." That is, if that's the only way one is viewing it. I was given some great advice on here by another member, "Actually, what you have is a stress management problem."

 

Now, maybe my experience doesn't really compare to your's or Macca's, but in the event there are some correlations, the feedback above is how I approached things, and it made my issues easier - for me - to overcome. Because I could actually break them down into tangible, solveable steps.

 

It also called for a lot of self-awareness on my part, which ain't easy. It's scary to be brutally honest with yourself and do an inventory of what makes you turn to alcohol! But it was necessary for me.

[Batya33]

lol

we are giving up together

we made a plan, NO drinking weeknights, not even one drink after work or anything... and only drinking fri or sat night if we are out doing something big, or for an occasion...

 

that said, I am still going to have a glass of wine with him on his bday in a few weeks

 

From what I know and understand (and I completely defer to people like Scout who seem to have far more on point information), alcoholics cannot function in a healthy way even if they drink "only" on the nights out drinking, special occasions, etc. From what I understand a plan like that is not really relevant progress towards treating the disease.

[Scout]

From what I know and understand (and I completely defer to people like Scout who seem to have far more on point information), alcoholics cannot function in a healthy way even if they drink "only" on the nights out drinking, special occasions, etc. From what I understand a plan like that is not really relevant progress towards treating the disease.

 

For full-fledged alcoholics, no, they probably cannot. It's like trying to quit smoking...you go a month without doing it, and you think, "Ok, I can have just this one now since I don't have a habit anymore." Usually, that one cigarette leads the person right back to smoking.

 

However, I am definitely not informed on what constitutes a "full fledged" alcoholic. For all I know, I was headed in that direction. But the ideas I talked about in my other post worked for me, and I drastically cut back on my drinking as a result, without any feelings of cravings and anxiety.

 

I think that ways of dealing with alcohol abuse can and should vary according to the individual. AA and similar steps are not going to work for everyone. For me, the minute I would have started saying everyday, "My name is Scout and I'm an alcoholic," I would have made alcohol itself the front and center issue...not the stress and anxiety I was trying to self-medicate through alcohol. Alcohol itself would have taken on this big, scary entity for me...something I would have constantly been in doubt I could overcome.

 

On the other hand, AA may work for someone who seriously feels they cannot stop drinking, and who feels they've been in denial about just how bad drinking has effected their life. It may be a way for them to really face their issues. And indeed, some people are just not physically wired to "handle" alcohol. This also varies in degree. But for those that really just cannot stop drinking, then probably alcohol should be recognized as a very formitable entity, and avoided at all costs. Programs like AA may bring that to light much more clearly.

 

I need to add the disclaimer I've never been to an AA meeting. Surely there are more informed people on this board than myself who can give more details about that program.

 

One more thing...alcoholism is not an overnight condition. It can happen very gradually. So, someone who has been binge drinking for years could end up being an alcoholic by the time they are a much older adult.

[ghost69]

so it's not just a 'late' thing? he's an alcoholic? this will be harder than just getting him to show up on time. he is picking alcohol over seeing you. that is a huge problem to kick.