Dumped after long relationship - is it over?

[timl4321]

A few weeks ago my girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me almost out of nowhere. I'm so lost now, i don;t know what to do with myself.

 

We started going out after highschool and everything was great for a long time. We got along well, never fought about things, wen't travelling etc. I thought everything was perfect between us. We both new once we got our lives sorted out with school/careers etc that we would get married and be together forever. Recently everything began to change and she came out and said she wanted a "break". She is confused and needs time apart. She says we were too different for each other - too different after sharing 7 great years together? How is that possible?

 

I'm having trouble understading how it came to this. She's been under a lot of stress with her family/career and I suspect that is part of the reason. The stress may have just gotten to her? I was always there for her though it all and went out of my may to do everything to help her out.

 

She seems to have changed alot lately. She was always devoted to taking care of her ailing parent at home, now she wants to put them in a nursing home, breaks up with me and is going out partying all the time with new friends from work. I stuck through all the hard times with her and now I'm alone while she changes everything in her life without me there.

 

The way she did it also confuses me. A week after we broke up we went out together to talk and things were great. We both had fun and talk for hours like we haven't in a long time. She said that she still loves me, and that she can still see us getting married. shes confused and needs time apart. Her words don't match her actions though. I found out that she is already seeing another guy - she says she never cheated on me and I believe her 100% - shes never lied to me before. How can she be seeing someone else so soon after telling me shes confused about us? It seems like shes moving on already. She said she wanted to stay friends, but the last i saw her (a week ago) she was acting really distant and didn't look comfortable around me.

 

I decided to try the no contact approach and give her some space but it is so hard. I have so many unanswered questions. Why is she telling me she still loves me and needs time to think, but at the same time acting distant - not wanting to "lead me on" -she says, and dating someone else so soon - partying, and neglecting her parents who need care?. It hurts so much after such a long time. she is my best friend and my whole life. how could she leave so abruptly? I am so tempted to ask her to go out and talk. I just want a staight answer. I feel like she is not being honest about her decision. Is the breakup final or not? I need to know so I can move on, but at the same time i don;t want to puch her away - i care for her too much.

 

Should I make contact and get some answers or let her contact me, even though we may drift farther apart in the meantime?

 

I really need some advice. I feel like my life as I know it is over. Is there still a chance for us?

[Pegasus]

I found out that she is already seeing another guy - she says she never cheated on me and I believe her 100% - shes never lied to me before. How can she be seeing someone else so soon after telling me shes confused about us? It seems like shes moving on already. She said she wanted to stay friends, but the last i saw her (a week ago) she was acting really distant and didn't look comfortable around me.

 

Oh man, that is such a classic (I would add "for girls" but female members would kill me ). She is confused about you two because she likes somebody else but has no courage to end it first with you before she makes sure she has stable relationship with a new guy. I bet she was seeing him for a while before she ever mentioned to you that she wants a break (I bet that is a reason she does not look comfortable when you're around - she feels guilty).

 

How do I know all this? It happened to me 9 months ago....

 

It is hard but you will survive it. I recommend you to go to NC mode. It will help a bit.

[NYCB]

Hopefully this will make you feel better - even though it probably wont. But here goes.

 

She hasn't been in any other mature adult relationships, and as such she isn't able to compare you to her other options. Basically, she wants to play the field and see what else is out there before she settles down with someone. This has nothing to do with you and more to do with her and her wants and needs. So don't beat yourself up.

 

Nowadays, high school relationships that end in marriage are more and more uncommon as the age of maturity has been pushed from 18 to close to 26. She's going through a selfish phase and there's absolutely nothing you can do at this point to get her back other than cut her off and focus on rebuilding yourself. I went through the same thing a couple years back and everyone gave me the advice to initiate no contact. I wanted nothing more than to get back with her, which made NC very difficult, but the funny thing is it worked! Once she had "played the field", she realized that I was a catch and came back to me wanting to reconcile over a year later! She was still in love with me. By that point, I realized that she wasnt the one for me anyway, and I told her that it wasn't in the cards. To this day I know she thinks it was a terrible decision and has major regrets. I know you're hurting, but you will move on. You might not even want her after all...

[NYCB]

She is confused about you two because she likes somebody else but has no courage to end it first with you before she makes sure she has stable relationship with a new guy. I bet she was seeing him for a while before she ever mentioned to you that she wants a break (I bet that is a reason she does not look comfortable when you're around - she feels guilty).

 

While this is possible - I wouldn't suspect this without some burden of proof. She's probably confused and hurting - she doesn't know what life is like without someone by her side, and she needs a crutch to help her get through the breakup with you. She's weak right now and the dude she's using as a crutch is even weaker because he thinks he's got a chance at a relationship with her. She'll dump him as soon as she's back on her feet.

[timl4321]

I can't really rule out 1005 that she wasn't seeing him before we broke up but I really do trust her on this. With her schedule she wouldn't have had any time to see another guy recently so I believe her. They work together so I guess they developed a realtionship at work that she now has the freedom to persue.

 

It just makes no sense to me to give up 7 years for a guy she really doesn't know that well. She's taking a huge risk with this and I think its a big mistake. She's even told me this herself.

 

I keep hoping she realizes that its not what she wants and comes back, but I know I should not be thinking this way.

 

I didn't mention that after a week of no contact she tried to call me yesterday - I never answered but now all I want to do is call her back. Its so hard, I just want to hear her voice again.

[timl4321]

Thanks NYCB. I am really leaning towards looking at it from you point of view. we were both each others 'firsts' and although I am sure she is the one for me she may not be because she doesn't really know any other way. I really hope she changes her mind with time and realizes what we had. In the meantime I am struggling with all this. I know what we had was special - I guess she needs to find that out for herself.

 

The one thing that does worry me is if things workout for her with this guy and her home situation improves with me gone she will associate her better circumstances with getting rid of me. We could have changed things together - moved away from it all together. We talked about it now and then but she was so dedicated to her familly so It never happened. Now that seems to be changing and I'm not there to change with her even though thats what I've waited for all these years.

 

I've been patient and got through all the tough times only to be dumped at the turning point in our lives. that's what makes it the hardest of all.

[Cyprian]

Wow...this is MY STORY exactly. Met in high school, loved each other, planned on marriage, always confided in each other, were so open and honest....

 

and all of a sudden, 7 years (well about 6 years and 11 months) later, she says she needs some space. The truth is that she MET SOMEONE while she was studying abroad and cheated on me.

 

Not to burst your bubble, but your girlfriend (or ex) most likely was cheating on you. She probably feels horrible about it, and just like my ex, she thought that by telling you she was cheating she would have brought more pain than necessary, but just from the fact that she has already found someone new, its most likely that she has known him for a while.

 

Please look at my threads, I deleted some of the details of my story, but I went through the same exact situation (and I am still going through it).

[NYCB]

I've been patient and got through all the tough times only to be dumped at the turning point in our lives. that's what makes it the hardest of all.

 

I know it's incrediby frustrating. But this might be even more reason to move on. I hate to say it but it's more of a bruised ego situation rather than anything. You feel betrayed and used. BUt like I mentioned before, it's really not about you. She's probably been thinking about this for some time - maybe over a year. People tend to fall prey to the grass is greener mentality.

[MasterT]

*Blinks*

 

NYCB... Thank you so much for your posts here. You've completely set me at peace now. I now have the answer I was looking for. You're explanation of relationships that started in high school gave me the answer I was seeking.

 

Cyprian... Your story is identical to mine!!!!

 

My story: Met in high school, loved each other, planned on marriage, confided in each other just about anything, open and honest, were crazy about each other, were each other's firsts... Then suddenly about 2.5 years later she says she needs some space, and I find out there is another guy she has met for a while. Now she avoids me like the plague (It's so obvious that I find it almost funny). It was interesting the first time I ran into her after the breakup... She had this look of ultimate guilt and horror.

 

I am so going to look at your threads Cyprian. Welcome to my buddy list.

[mintblossom]

i never got how high school relationships could last so long. people change a lot as they get out of high school, go into college, and head into the workplace. i can see that just from the way i have changed emotionally, mentally, and in other ways as well. as people change, they want different things, they have different needs, wants and to be by themself. to grow by themself.

 

i think being with someone for so long, it becomes a crutch. you never have to think about just you. it's always "we", "us", and while it is comfortable, there is a lack of individuality to it.

 

she's growing up and while it hurts...people grow. you just met at too young a age. i usually think people who are still with their significant others since high school have not given themselves the chance to grow and see what's out there. people weren't meant to be like sticky buns.....stuck together.

 

the best relationships IMO are ones where both individuals have been given that chance to grow, develop, and EXPLORE and then really figure out where they're at and what they want.

 

it's hard for me to imagine that 16-17yr olds have mapped out their whole life to be together when you don't even know that's out there.

[timl4321]

I have been reading over your posts Cyprian and it does seem are story's are very similar. Your Ex seems to have changed after a trip to Europe. I think the change in my situtaion occurred when she got a new job after finishing college. I guess any change in ones life will eventually cause one ot re-evalutate the rest of their life. We seem to have come out with the short end of the stick. I also read somewhere that you are in grad school or contemplating grad school? I'm also currently in grad school and my work has been suffering tremendously.

 

I am really struggling with no contact, especially today. I almost called her so many time today i can't even count. Knowing that she called me yesterday while I was out made me feel good to know she was thinking of me - so now I just want nothing more then to call back. I know it was probably just to be nice and see how I am but I still desperatly want to talk to her. I want some final answers. There is so much that I am confused about. I want her to be honest once and for all. If she cheated I just want to know straight out - but she always insisted that she hasen't. I will only know these things if we talk at least once more.

 

In one of your threads cantexplain wrote:

 

Your interpretation is that your old girlfriend made a mistake, is hurting, and will change back.

 

Her intention was to be free and be this new her. That is still her intention.

 

It hurts but this is exactly how I feel now. She's made a big mistake and will change her mind one day, but deep down I know that is not likely.

[timl4321]

i never got how high school relationships could last so long. people change a lot as they get out of high school, go into college, and head into the workplace. i can see that just from the way i have changed emotionally, mentally, and in other ways as well. as people change, they want different things, they have different needs, wants and to be by themself. to grow by themself.

 

I have thought about that over the years, but in my case we didn't actually start dating in highschool. We were both 20 when we started to date. I didn't think we were young enough for this to happen for those reasons but maybee that's the case.

[Cyprian]

timl4321: Yeah, cantexplain taught me a whole lot from our communications with each other. He really gave me a perspective that I needed when my mind was clouded with love and pain. It helped me soooooo much.

 

About grad school: Well I was in grad school this year, and got Bs last semester, but this semester (right when I found out that my lover of 7 years, my best friend, the only true person on this earth that I connected with and loved entirely had cheated on me, betrayed me, etc. etc.) I stopped going to class. I stopped reading, stopped going to lectures, and slept almost all day - and when I was awake I was drinking loads of alcohol. So - I dropped out. I resigned all my courses. Now I've stopped drinking so much, and I'm seeing a psychotherapist. Nothing else has changed really...each day is basically the same. I need to get a job though soon...

[bar35]

Hey Cyperian, thanks for saying all that in the last comment. I am struggling in school right now, I feel like i am about to sink, but i think that i am going to come through it. i just want to quit, to lay down and die but that is not an option. I too feel betrayed, abandoned, and heart broken. I see my ex's face everywhere i look. It's crazy. i compare every woman to her and there is no end in sight. I guess it is just one day at a time. it's funny to think that there is no end in sight but it is somehow reassuring because it takes the pressure off of "having to get over it". When it happens it will happen. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year, but it will happen.

[b2761]

Tim-

 

My take is like many say she was maybe feeling that as a person dating from a young age, she was missing out on what's out there in the world. I wouldn't screw with your head about when she started seeing this guy. I also think it's probably unlikely she broke with you for him- she broke with you for HER- for new experiences, and he was probably the nearest new experience handy. They might have had a flirtatious relationship for a while, but that doesn't mean she was 'cheating' on you. Just because she hurt you doesn't mean you need to jump to the conclusion that she's untrustworthy, too.

 

I think you have to move on with your life. It may be that this is a phase she'll get through and you'll hear from her down the road and then you'll be able to decide then whether you're still interested. But there isn't anything you can do to make her want to be back with you, so don't even try- that would be a decision she'd have to make on her own, in her own time. If you DO hound her for answers, explanations, etc etc, what you actually might end up doing is preventing you guys from ever possibly getting together again.

 

I'd try to ignore emails or phone messages from her. If she genuinely changes her mind about wanting to be with you, she'll make sure you get that message.

 

And realize- it's gonna hurt for awhile since you guys had so long together. But you will get through it.

[amarene]

dont despair. it sounds like she is breaking down under stress, abandoning all her responsibilities and partying. if you guys have been together for 7 years, well, i dont see how she could do that for any reason other than being confused. you should let her come to you also, contacting her and asking endless questions would probably make her mad. give her some time though, she obviously needs to sort out many things in her life. living is hard right now? just breathe, dont by any means let this mess everything ELSE in your life up. dont worry, as time goes by the pain numbs. i think she will come back to you once she has had a chance to sort her life out.

[1forthegipper]

timl4321

 

Ever hear "The grass is never greener on the other side"... It's true my friend, it's true. I won't speak for every case but in many cases that I've come acros the old saying still holds it's weight today. I see so many many many people who live their relationship career with reckless abandonement!!!.. I use the term "Relationship career" because these people that chose to jump from one to another,break hearts along the way, have no care in the world but for themselves is like a career.. they jump from job to job looking for that perfect job only to realize that no matter the job they have the bottom line is "THEY HAVE TO WORK!!!!" in order to keep the job.

 

Tim, let her get this out of her system. There is NOTHING you can say or do that will change her mind. The ONLY thing you can do is let it be known exactly how you feel for her and what you want. Let her do what she needs to do and let her carry those feelings with her... Trust me tim, it will linger in her thoughts and in her heart especially if you've turned arround and walked away.

 

Sometimes we have to let them fall the height of the mountain they've climbed for them to learn the lesson at hand. It will be up to you to still be there waiting or not when she comes tumbling back down!!!!! Work on YOU in that time and be who you once were before the relationship.... It will work out for the best for you and you will come out the winner in all this tim, you will.....

 

Tha Gipp

[timl4321]

Thanks again everyone for the kind words. I have been struggling lately. I just want to talk to her so much. I've been thinking about her all day. I finally had a good nights sleep last night but of course I had to have dreams about her - only to wake up and have the situation hit me again.

 

I know I need to give her space now. I am surprized that I have managed to keep away from her for this long (only a week but feels lilke alot more). I was alright for a while going out with friends, but they all have busy schedules and i am staying home more often lately. That's when all the thoughts take over.

 

If I ever do contact her (or her me) any time soon I won't bring up the feelings I'm having. I just want to know how she's doing as I know this must be hard on her as well. I don;t want to seem like I hate her and refuse to talk to her at all.

 

I'll give it a few more days, but I'm not sure if I can last much longer without asking her out for a cofee or something. I need help to be strong.

[pigeon.egg]

timl4321, I really identify with what you have written. Its been a week for me too since we last talked and I cry everyday. I am dying to call and have to restrain myself many times a day, but I know I need to give him time to call me and not hound him -it won't help and could push him further away if that is possible. I too dream about him and he is the first and last thing in my thoughts each day... but maybe that will pass...

 

For me, it's just good to know that I'm not alone. Hang in there...

[b2761]

tim-

I know that feeling of wanting to be sure the other person is alright- it's part of feeling a connection and wanting to help them through bad times. But it probably is really better that she go through that without your help, and it might be interpreted as an attempt to interfere, which is not how you want to be seen (she even might divert some of the frustration she's feeling into anger and direct it at you, and you don't want that, either).

[timl4321]

What about calling her to see how shes's doing on other fronts. I know our breakup is still probably a touchy topic to discuss with her but I know she's been going through so much more stress lately that I havae nothing to do with. Would it be wrong to ask her about that other stuff, or would the conversation inevitabely turn back to 'us'?

[Cyprian]

Tim! If your doing No Contact (which I suggest you do and do it seriously) you should not call her for ANY reason. I'm not sure if you said you were doing NC, but it is not simply so that you don't speak with the ex about the relationship...its so you DON'T SPEAK WITH THEM AT ALL unless they show an effort to reconcile or work on the relationship with you. They ditched us...we were a team, a partnership, and they quit on us...they need to come back to us before we can resume our relationship.

[cantexplain]

I'm not sure if you said you were doing No Contact, but it is not simply so that you don't speak with the ex about the relationship...its so you DON'T SPEAK WITH THEM AT ALL unless they show an effort to reconcile or work on the relationship with you. They ditched us...we were a team, a partnership, and they quit on us...they need to come back to us before we can resume our relationship.

 

I like that!!

 

Does this include any relationship (type of) with ex? What if they want to come back as friends only?

 

What do you guys think of a situation like that?

[timl4321]

Right now I just want to talk to her no matter what she wants to be. I know It would hurt me too much right now if we tried to be friends as I have not moved on yet. I am still clinging to the hope that she will change her mind. Seeing her now will make me feel better temporarily, seeing her smile, hearing her voice, just hanging out etc, but I know it will just prolong my pain and need to get her back.

 

I want to see her so bad I wonder if I should just talk to her anyway. I know its not in my best interests but in a way I would be better for now.

 

Eventually, if things don't change I hope that we can be friends one day. We were together so long noone knows us like we do each other. She was the only one I really talked to about things and I don't want to lose that. I don't see myseld losing contact with someone after being together so long and things ending the way they did. I still care for her like no other and deep down I know this will never change.

 

I don't think I could stand to lose her completely. This may change with time but for now that is how I feel.

[Cyprian]

Tim - I am just on my way out the door, and I want to get back to you, but right now embrace your emotions. Analyze, seek understanding, and hope if you will, but do not contact her. I'm going out of town for a day but I'll speak with you tomorrow when I get back. I'm sorry you're going through this - 7 years with my ex, about 90 days of NC and I don't feel ANY better...but when your going through hell, keep going (Churchill? someone has that in their signature here).