1forthegipper

Day 45+.....Never started the NC challenge but still wanted to post my progress... I tend to think of the ex as you all do, I wonder what she's doing, who's she with, what she's done, if she's happy etc etc etc... These thougths come and go but I ALWAYS end it with "WHY STRESS OVER THINGS WE DONT KNOW"..... Plain and simple people.. WE DONT KNOW..and the way I see it is exactly that...unless I SEE IT with my own eyes then I won't put much weight into the information that I get if any.... Hang in there and don't give so much energy to a person that uses the energy to gain power and strength to keep moving on.. Take back your life, your power, your strength...TAKE BACK CONTROL...of YOU!!! Tha Gipp

Jupiter... You've done all you can.. let it ride now and do nothing.. You made contact, you were respectful and caring.. One thing you need to understand is that...If you make ANY contact with the ex you need to have the mindset that you're doing it for YOU and expect NOTHING from her in retur... In other words..NEC (No Expectations Contact)... Once you start making contact to get a reaction out of her or looking for results is when you start torturing yourself emotionally and you're not letting yourself heal from this...NC is meant get yourself away from the unhealthy situation and to heal from the heartbreak...Once you do this you'll be strong enough to make contact with her with NO EXPECTATIONS..... This is the only way that things can evolve into either a friendship or even reconciliation.....and that's by the both of you healing from this and reapproaching the relationship again if BOTH parties feel it is right.... The longer you push for something to happen the more you push it away.... Tha Gipp

Kate111 The no contact challenge says to NO CONTACT...even if they contact you. You've read the post "From a dumpers perspective" and you should ask yourself "What did I do to contribute to the end of the relationship" if you did things to push him away and to eventually break up with you I would sugges responding but don't be clingy,obssessed etc.. Just keep it short and sweet and happy.... and DON'T leave the response open for him to respond back because you will only be waiting for him to respond and if he doesnt then you'll be killing yourself even more.... This in my own opinon though, others will probably disagree... Tha Gipp

FC13, My ex is #1 to me Is that a rational statement in a breakup??? In a healthy loving relationship where both parties reciprocate love they are both saying "My partner is #1 to me"...in a breakup, one person is saying "My partner is NO LONGER #1 to me" so why would you STILL make her #1 for you???? She has moved in a sense, whether she's made the right decision for herself at this time, only time will give you that answer. The last thing you need to do is sit and wait for her to realize what she's done. In time she will have to face reality and be faced with the decisions she's made. For ever action there is a reaction and if you don't think things through thoroughly then expect negative results. I know how you feel, I feel the same but I'm to the point right now where I look back a month and a half ago and see what a mess I was the first week we broke up and man was I a mess. There comes a point in time through all this where you say, "My ex is no better than I am" and you realize to yourself that our ex is no angel from above, no god's gift from above, no one of a kind... I say this only because when going through a breakup we tend to over romanticize what the relationship was or what are ex's really were all along. As hard as it may be, do things for yourself. Go shopping, go to the gym...I know that's everyone's quick remedy here but it really does work, especially the gym!!!.. Give you ex something to miss but most of all give yourself something to be proud of. We will get through this together I can assure of that and if ever do get a second chance would you want to be the same old you or a new and improved you????? Keep us posted FC13, keep your head up high and let the small stuff roll off your back. You are somebody, you are worth more than what she's given you and you will rise above this and become VICTORIOUS!!!!!!! Tha Gipp

FC13, If your ex dumped you and if they are with someone or not, I believe that you have every right to live your life how YOU seem fit and most important you need to live your life for YOU. Your ex has clearly stated that they can live without you and do not need you and are basically giving you your freedom to do what you want. Any ex that will sit there and expect the one they dumped to sit and wait and not date is a fool, whether we chose to talk to another person,date,fall in love again,get married or whatever that is up to us and that is our right as a dumpee. The ex does not control us and we do not have to answer to them anymore. I think what this post is suggesting is that you live your life and enjoy your freedom as a single person, feel good, look good,act with confidence and this can only have your ex look at you in a different light. There is nothing more attractive than a happy,self-confident,attractive person is there???? How many times do you drive around town or doing your daily duties and you see a nice looking person, well groomed, smiling and happy and think..."Sheesh!! They're hott!!!" Well what would your ex think of you if you were still there being faithful, not taking care of yourself, sad, miserable, crying and depressed????...he's be saying "Sheesh!!!! how sad and pathetic!!!"... Be yourself, put yourself first and foremost. You are #1 and that's how it should be. Live your life for YOU not on the rules or basis of someone else's feeling or expectations especially if THEY Dumped you!!!! Hope this helped!!! Tha Gipp

Mia1207, Go full NC and don't look back until you feel ok with being friends with your ex NO MATTER who he is with. Obviously he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. From a man's point of view what I see that he's doing is that he's got this new flame but still cares about you. He's not sure where this new flame is going to go or if it's just a temporary high that we all get with new relationships and his feelings will revert back to you. As long as you are available to him he has no choice to make (either you or her) and as long as he's got you as a safety net he's going to be putting in 95% of his emotions and effort into the new girl and 5% with you to make sure that you're still arround in case things don't work out with the new girl. Have some dignity and self respect and tell yourself "I DESERVE BETTER" and don't be ANYONES safety net. You deserve to be #1 in your partners book and as long as you keep this friendship/relationship going it will not be healthy for you and it will not let you fully heal and move on. After you have moved on and healed then it would be ok to reach out to him and catch up on old times and life and begin the friends process if he wants the same. For now strict NC is the only way to go!!!!!! For your own benefit, don't sell yourself short you truly deserver better!!!! Tha Gipp

Bump..Bump, bump bump!!!

Imterre, Welcome to ENA. I'm too going through a similar situation and you'll find out by the more you read that you'll see how many members of ENA have similar situations like ours. Don't get caught up in other peoples details and try to fit to what you're going through with your ex because people ARE different. My ex too, wants to be alone..she is tired of the relationship and I also neglected her as she was needing attention,affection etc. but I was to focused on my career. Were planning on getting married this summer and now those plans are gone. Do they need time? yes of couse and it's better to stick with NC to give them this time. Sometimes people get pushed to their limit where they say "enough is enough" and they leave and not necessarily because of another man or woman they just truly want to be alone. Keep your head up, read some books, talk to friends and continue to do what you were doing prior to the breakup. I know it's hard and it's easy for others to give this advice but it's so very true!!! You'll find that letting your feelings out to friends,family and this forum will make you feel better. Give it time, be patient with her, give her, her space...If she loves you, truly loves you she will come back...If she doesn't, she never loved you and why would you want someone that never loved you...There are to many people out there and God has the right one for us... sometimes we have to go through hell to get to heaven!!! Keep us posted... "tha gipp"

Kellbell, The way you described your feelings hit the spot right in the heart where it hurts the most right now. Why? because I feel that reading your response was like I was reading what she wrote to ME. And me and my ex have talked and talked but nothing changed. She got to the point where she said she's TIRED as you have stated. She got real sick prior to us breaking up, her joints hurt, her body ached, she was stressed etc. Then finally one day she said she made up her mind and isn't changing it. That she was done and wanted to be alone. I too had worked long hours, focusing on my career to better our futures and have security and I neglected the relationship. Had I known that the consequences would have been us breaking up for good I'd have changed in a heartbeat. I did the usual crying,begging and telling her I would change but it made no difference because she has made up her mind. I feel that I lost my family, my love and my future with her and the thought of her loving another is terrifying,torture and painful....I love my kids (all 3) and it's sad to know that she may feel or is feeling exactly what you feel. I've scowered the internet, read books, asked for advice from family and friends and forums on what to do, how to bring her back, what can I do to make her see that she's making a mistake and maybe the answer to all that is.... "There is nothing anyone can do" It hurts to read your post and I thank you for giving me a better insight...but maybe it hurts because it's reality....and as they say "truth hurts" I don't know what to do anymore and I know I probably have no choice but to let go....It's hard to let go of someone you love dearly....

Thanks for the reply emma34 Why would a person torment themself that way? If you had feelings for someone to the point that it made you sad and you missed him a lot why wouldnt you try and work things out? Relationships aren't perfect, maybe in the beginning they are but they take work to maintain the good relationship. Do you ever regret your decision? if so why?

Hello, I'm new to the forum and will post my situation soon. I wanted to start this journey to recovery with a question. Not sure if anyone out here can help because I'm sure most of us are the ones suffering from a broken heart. My question is as follows: From a dumpers perspective, what kind of feelings do they have when they left someone they loved, had loved or love but not in love anymore to be with someone new. Do they feel guilty? is it something that will last? are they acting on emotions that will fade and then will realize they made a mistake? My reason for this question is that my ex-fiance broke up with me 6 weeks ago after a 6 year relationship and I have recently applied what you all call here NC "No Contact" for two weeks now. Although she hasn't admitted there is another man involved my gut feeling tells me there is because of the sudden change in her heart to walk away, by the way we do have 3 children together 2 of which are my daughter and son and an older daughter that she has from a previous marriage. (I will be posting my details soon) Any input from a person that has experieneced this themselves or has dealt with a similar situation I would appreciate it if you could give me a bit of clarity on what goes on in the mind of a dumper when they left to be with another person and what the possible outcomes may be. PS. I thank the heavens above that I found this site!!!!! Thank you 1forthegipper