I found out the only way that I could

[Siriana]

Gus I am going to offend you now:

 

Whats the matter with you? Why are you being such a pushover?

 

You are crawling around her instead acting like a man here.

 

I was following your story from the beginning and I think it's about the time for you to put your foot down and show her there's no place for her egocentric little brat spoiled excesess and decisions anymore.

 

YOu are waiting for her to decide?

 

Have you stopped for a minute and thought seriously what you really want? And what is really possible here?

 

I think you should tell her she has 30 days to make a decision wheter she is interested in working on your marriage. That decision includes her going to the theraphy for couples with you, her finding a new job and her stop being in contact with him.

Than you must start acting like you're already divorced - if the house is on your name tell her to move out till she makes that decision, or you move out till 30 days pass (only if the house is hers!).

Than ask her what she decided.

 

And that solution is a free ride for her when you take into account how she acted.

Some solitude will do you good to clear your head. Right now you are missing the big picture.

[bigheart09]

I know this may be harsh, but I agree with Syrix. You seem like a really caring and forgiving person, but she is using that to her advantage. She is the one who did something wrong and she is making it seem like it isyour fault. SHE is the one who cheated, not YOU. It doesnt matter if she felt lonely and you werent around, that doesnt give her the right to cheat. She is MARRIED to you and has a CHILD with you. She is acting irresponsible and immature and you are letting her get away with it. Who cares if she is confused!!!

 

I know it is easy for us to give advice since we are not the ones who are involved. But, please dont let her get away with this. GET ANGRY!!!

[Gus Almighty]

I know I am missing the big picture, I see it but am trying to keep that point out until I really know how she feels about me.

 

I sent her an email a few minutes ago at work. It told her that I felt I was pushing her to make her decision for her and I didnt want to do that.

 

She needs to decide for herself what makes her happy and if its not what I want then its whats meant to be.

[Siriana]

until I really know how she feels about me.

 

 

she showed you how she feels already.

Get angry finally!

[Biffy]

It told her that I felt I was pushing her to make her decision for her and I didnt want to do that.

 

 

Why don't you want to do that?

 

Seriously, stick up for yourself, you're being a doormat and that alone will push her more firmly into the "other guy"s arms.

[isisastaria]

I would tell her it's your relationship or him. She needs to stop dragging you through hell. I would tell her...job or me. If she is making excuses for this behavior, by saying it's the job...she's saying that you aren't worth more than her job. Plain and simple. If you're broke...oh well...it's her doing, not yours. She can find another job I'm sure.

 

If she doesn't stop the job, Let her have the guy. Leave her. She is thinking you will put up with all this crapp and she can eat her cake too. she is hurting your family and herself with all this non sense and lying.

 

If you leave her, it doesn't mean you can't come back if you work things out. NO CONTACT!! She'll get the idea.

 

Less than what? 1% of these infidelity relationships actually work out! She needs to know she CANT do this to ANYONE. She has to feel the consequence of her actions to really GET it!

 

There are many counselors at churches or elsewhere that work on a sliding scale according to income. Some churches will give it for free. I would do that NOW and cut her off for now.

[answersguy]

I told her I may be able to forgive this but he had to be out of her life because I cannot share her. She says she wont leave her job because she likes it so much. She also keeps saying shes not sure what she wants to do still because she feels I can never trust her again and it will keep coming up, keeping me curious every time she goes somewhere as to if she is lying to me.

 

 

She may be right but that really isn't for her to decide. This situation is really bad for you and she doesn't respect you. You are no longer a challenge and you accept any crappy behavior she throws your way. You need to make her realize that she could seriously lose you because you aren't willing to put up with this behavior. She may choose to be with him, but if she really does love you, she'll choose you and completely get rid of him. If you don't make her realize, she'll keep playing herself as the hot comodity and the one who has options, she'll keep putting you through this heel amd making you prove yourself. End the cycle now, put your foot down and make her choose. Be ready to lose her because you don't deserve this and neither does your son.

[andyg]

Gus, I think it's about time that you call the boss and let him know about this inappropriate relationship. Almost every work place has strict rule about inter office relationships. If your wife likes this job so much, she'll be in a tough spot. I also think you should randomly start spending nights out but not tell her where you're going and act excited about it. Put her through the same hell she put you through, some people only learn by example and seeing it from your shoes may help.

[bigheart09]

Gus, I think it's about time that you call the boss and let him know about this inappropriate relationship. Almost every work place has strict rule about inter office relationships. If your wife likes this job so much, she'll be in a tough spot. I also think you should randomly start spending nights out but not tell her where you're going and act excited about it. Put her through the same hell she put you through, some people only learn by example and seeing it from your shoes may help.

 

 

I dont think calling the boss is a good idea. Keep personal things between yourself and her. You need to give her an ultimatum. This doesnt mean things cant be worked out later, but for now, she needs to know you are serious.

[Gus Almighty]

she showed you how she feels already.

Get angry finally!

 

I did get angry, by email. She has no understanding about how this makes me feel especially after how she reacted to what he said about me.

 

Shes going berserk now, threatened to smash my pc up if I didnt bring back the recorder. I decided to take it and get it out of the house for my own safety if need be. This is so out of control.

[Gus Almighty]

Why don't you want to do that?

 

Seriously, stick up for yourself, you're being a doormat and that alone will push her more firmly into the "other guy"s arms.

 

Well I dont want her to be with me if she isnt happy and is thinking about him. I told her she has to make the decision what she wants.

 

At this point I dont care either way.

[Gus Almighty]

Well she is so angry now because I showed my disappointment that shes moving out of the house tonight and is going to the library to start the divorce papers. Shes very angry that I took the recorder.

[southerngirl]

Let her go, shes a cheater. Put your son first right now.

 

I know you are hurting right now. Anyone would be.

 

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

[Siriana]

Well she is so angry now because I showed my disappointment that shes moving out of the house tonight and is going to the library to start the divorce papers. Shes very angry that I took the recorder.

 

 

Do nothing!

[Beec]

Well she is so angry now because I showed my disappointment that shes moving out of the house tonight and is going to the library to start the divorce papers. Shes very angry that I took the recorder.

 

She's angry because you recorded her lying and cheating butt? Well, try and make it so the door does hit her in that lying and cheating butt.

 

Let her go, change the locks, don't invite her back, until and unless she is there giving you the mea culpa about how she was wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

Snooping is it worse than screwing someone else and then lying to your spouse about your cheating? I DON"T THINK SO.

[Gus Almighty]

Well last night was really rough, alot more arguing. We ended up text messaging eachother back and forth a bit.

 

I didnt know what to think, I called her parents house to ask them if she was ok and if my son Jaden was ok. Her mother answered, she told me that I had alot of nerve calling there and that I wasnt going to get any bit of sympathy out of her. I asked her what I had done, she simply said I will let her know you called and hung up.

 

Later on my wife told me that she had told her parents everything about the situation because she thought she needed somewhere else to live. She told me her mom was angry at me because I was recording the telephone conversations. I asked her if she told her mom that I had caught he and she in a conversation and she said yes. I just find it highly unlikely that she told her mom the truth.......and that her mother would be angry at me for something like that.

 

If I had never caught them talking I would have never known the truth. And with out having this come out in the open it probably would have kept going on. She made love to me Sunday night and then Monday night she was talking to this guy sexually showing her interest in wanting to have sex again. She even went so far as to say just give me a couple days, my period is just ending.

 

She told me she needed space and that she didnt want to come home but wouldnt say where she was. I wasnt home either, I went back a bit later to see if she went through with her threats of smashing my things which she didnt.....she actually did go home and was sleeping in bed.

 

I panicked and took off out of there, she called a couple minutes later and asked why I left. I told her I wanted her to have her space and didnt realize she was actually staying there.

 

I ended up sleeping there anyway, she didnt seem to mind and was fairly decent to me this morning. Just a moment though as she was leaving.

 

Now I

[rose2summer]

Ok, she is clearly not telling her family the truth, she lies to you, she's manipulative.

 

I am not sure what is positive about this situation.

 

I think you two need to seek counseling together and she needs to clean up her act, or there is no way that this can continue.

 

You seem like such a sweet guy, letting her walk over you though just makes you a doormat though.

 

She needs to change or you cannot sustain this, you don't deserve to be her mat, all stomped on.

 

Hugs, Rose

[bigheart09]

I would keep the recording too. Dont let her have it or erase it. Hopefully it wont come to this, but if you have to fight for custody of your son, that will be useful to have. But, hopefully, it wont come to that. It just sounds like your wife is very manipulative and has already started lying about what really happened.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. How terrible!

 

She's throwing her marriage away? And for a married man? I'll never understand!

 

Just wanted to chime in. . . I'm sure she hasn't told her mother the truth.

 

And be careful. I can see her "acting" like she wants to work things out and trying to talk you into getting rid of the recording. She knows you caught her red-handed and would probably do anything to get that recording.

 

Also agree that if she wants to work things out, she must quit that job period. Doesn't matter if "she likes it." She must quit her job and forget about him if you two are going to work things out. If she's sincere about wanting to work things out, she'd offer to do those things.

 

Hugs~~~~

[Gus Almighty]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. How terrible!

 

She's throwing her marriage away? And for a married man? I'll never understand!

 

Just wanted to chime in. . . I'm sure she hasn't told her mother the truth.

 

And be careful. I can see her "acting" like she wants to work things out and trying to talk you into getting rid of the recording. She knows you caught her red-handed and would probably do anything to get that recording.

 

Also agree that if she wants to work things out, she must quit that job period. Doesn't matter if "she likes it." She must quit her job and forget about him if you two are going to work things out. If she's sincere about wanting to work things out, she'd offer to do those things.

 

Hugs~~~~

 

I kind of wondered if she had told her mother all of the story or not myself. Time will tell.

[Gus Almighty]

Ok, she is clearly not telling her family the truth, she lies to you, she's manipulative.

 

I am not sure what is positive about this situation.

 

I think you two need to seek counseling together and she needs to clean up her act, or there is no way that this can continue.

 

You seem like such a sweet guy, letting her walk over you though just makes you a doormat though.

 

She needs to change or you cannot sustain this, you don't deserve to be her mat, all stomped on.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

I am trying to be as strong as I can Rose, no one ever deserves to be put through such things.

[Beec]

I would play the recording for her mother, and I would not be nice to her.

 

Look, the last thing in the world that she is going to want is a man she does not respect. The last thing in the world you should want is a woman who does not respect you. The only other thing that ranks up there is her man not respecting her, and her not being respected by her man. Without respect you cannot even really be friends. Without being friends and respecting each toher, you cannot have a real relationship or have love.

 

Respect must come first, and you must demand it. Once you get to where she shows you resepct, then you will need to show it to her. Until you demand respect, there is nothing here worth working on and trying to work on. What would a woman who resepcts you do? DEMAND IT, all the time.

 

By her actions, she has not loved you. Love is doing what is in someone else's best interests. She has not done so. Begin to demand that too, make her think about someone else's needs.

 

Save the tape, make a copy, and play it for her mother.

[Siriana]

 

Save the tape, make a copy, and play it for her mother.

 

 

I agree.

Thats mean, and actually who cares what her mother thinks - she raised her (good job she's done, right?) BUT you'll feel great after that.

Nicer way to do it with the same goal: call her mom and start crying how she cheated on you. lol

[Gus Almighty]

I have been emailing her this morning. I told her I hoped she was ok.

 

she responded by saying she is never alright and that she is not sure what she wants.

 

I responded and told her that we can make things work if she is willing to work with me. I told her again that I loved her and I wanted to help her to feel better and I wanted her to help me feel that way but it was going to take work.

 

I told her I would much rather be with her than separated and have to share our son. I told her we could have good times again.

 

I am trying to reasure her that we can get through this as sensitively as I can.

 

She hasnt responded yet to that.

 

Can someone give me your thoughts on this?

[ImThatGirl]

You know, although playing the tape for mom is tempting, I'm sure, I just don't think it makes a difference.

 

Even if her mom knows the whole story, many mothers will stick up for their children anyway. Or play sides even if their child is in the wrong (as her daughter is.)

 

Also, would not give her a "copy."