I found out the only way that I could

[GQstatus]

Man I feel for you. And if you were close I'd take you out for a beer on me.

 

Let your little boy be your strength. Regardless of what happens between you and her, he will need you to be strong for him. I know what it feels like to want to take your SO problems, and try and "correct" them, and it never works. You're just going to pile on more and more and more weight on your shoulders if you don't take a step back and realize this is not your fault, and you didn't "push her" to do these things.

 

It sucks, but sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, to realize what you really have. Instead of catching her on her way down, and repeating the same cycle over again, let her crash, and hope for the best.

 

Keep your head up brother.

[Gus Almighty]

I wish you weren't feeling the pain that you are experiencing right now. But, Gus, make sure you give yourself some healing time! You need to grieve to get through this. This is a stepping stone for you.

 

I promise you! That the quicker you deal with this, the quicker you will get to feeling better about yourself and your life!

 

And aawwww little 9 month old! I love that age! Even more reason to deal with this, nip it in the butt, and move on with your life rather than dragging it out and not being emotionally strong enough to be the parent you want to be!

 

She didnt ask that I not talk to her father, she only said that she told her mother. For what reason I dont know but I have the good idea just like you do.

 

Yes he is my biggest concern, I fear even at this age all this confusion wont make sense for him. He needs us both to be level headed especially now.

[Gus Almighty]

Man I feel for you. And if you were close I'd take you out for a beer on me.

 

Let your little boy be your strength. Regardless of what happens between you and her, he will need you to be strong for him. I know what it feels like to want to take your SO problems, and try and "correct" them, and it never works. You're just going to pile on more and more and more weight on your shoulders if you don't take a step back and realize this is not your fault, and you didn't "push her" to do these things.

 

It sucks, but sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, to realize what you really have. Instead of catching her on her way down, and repeating the same cycle over again, let her crash, and hope for the best.

 

Keep your head up brother.

 

Am trying, just hitting instances where it hurts a lot more until it almost kills me. I am a bit better now.

[ImThatGirl]

Am trying, just hitting instances where it hurts a lot more until it almost kills me. I am a bit better now.

 

What God brings to us, he brings us through.

 

(the basic of a quote I read once, can't recall the complete quote.)

[Gus Almighty]

What God brings to us, he brings us through.

 

(the basic of a quote I read once, can't recall the complete quote.)

 

Thank You for that.

 

Where is my beer lady, you promised.

[Gus Almighty]

The worst thing now is that I am starting to believe that she had sex with him before she had sex with me after the baby was born.

[ImThatGirl]

Eeww.... Don't think about those things! Don't let those things consume your mind.

 

Another favorite quote:

 

"It is what it is."

 

Something the girls and I use when we look back and regret decisions we've made. Meaning - we can learn from those, but it is what it is, we can't change it - better to accept that and move forward.

 

(Yet I know what it's like to be consumed by those thoughts too!)

[ImThatGirl]

Thank You for that.

 

Where is my beer lady, you promised.

 

You're welcome!

 

I promised!? I can't go have a beer. Guess my bf wouldn't like that so well...!

[Gus Almighty]

You're welcome!

 

I promised!? I can't go have a beer. Guess my bf wouldn't like that so well...!

 

lol yeah thats probably true I understand. Dont want him wigging out now, then I would have to come back and post for you.

[SummerGirl38]

Wow if it was me, Mother of My Child or not, I would send her packing and I'm a woman!!!!

 

One lie after another, cheating and maybe even sleeping with him in your bed, in the house "you" pay for. The poking fun at you. This woman has "0" respect for you.

 

Being starved for attention does not give you a green light to jump on the next person who gives it to you. You get out, you tell your husband "I don't want to be married anymore" and you go. You DO NOT put someone through this kind of nightmare.

 

I'm sorry, but how in the world could you ever trust her again, she's absolutely right.

 

I feel so bad for you, I really do, but I was one of those kids who wished my parents would have divorced so the cheating, the lying, the crying, the screaming, would just all stop.

 

I would have rather gone to two separate homes and seen both my parents happy than witness the things I did as a kid.

 

I am not the type of person to kick someone when they are down, but I think you need to ask yourself "What have I learned so far from this experience"?

Your wife lies, she cheats, she disrespects you, she disrespects your child. I say this because how much time is she taking away from your kid to run around?

 

Think of how educated you will be if you let it continue!

 

P.S. We have a friend that's living us right now for this same exact reason, she decided to cheat.

 

So far (and it's only been a week) He has lost his house, his Craftsman tools, his $20,000 motorcycle and his dog. He can't even go in his own house without the cops being called and the only thing he has done is catch her, by cell phone as well, no less.

 

I know material things aren't everything, but guy, do you want to give it all to someone who flat out disrespects you? Everything you have worked for?

 

I know for a fact that somewhere, ten minutes away from me, some new boyfriend is riding another man's 20,000 Harley. The poor guy slept on my couch last night.

 

THINK THIS THROUGH BEFORE YOU FORGIVE, BECAUSE TRUST ME, YOU WILL NEVER FORGET!

 

I really feel for you, reading your post "almost" made me speechless

[SummerGirl38]

Oh Dear God, I only seen two pages to this horror story and there's twelve?

 

Jeez, I can only imagine how I'll feel after I catch up

[SummerGirl38]

Wow Gus, now I have read all twelve pages and I have to tell you I can hardly see to type because my eyes are full of tears for you.

 

My jaw is wide open and I can hardly find the words to say, but you are being used as someones doormat.

 

You deserve the Husband of the Year award and honestly, that's all I can say right now!

 

I'm so sorry, you deserve the whole six pack!

[ImThatGirl]

I am heading out soon and don't know if I'll be able to check in this weekend. Please feel free to send me a pm if u'd like. I'll try to check!

 

I know right now you can feel nothing besides "I'm falling down!"

 

But, Gus - - - one of the things I am proud of myself for is my ability to always at least stay above water or to get up after I've fallen and climb the mountain even faster.

 

Please don't lose sight of the top of the mountain. You will still get there! You must keep climbing!

[blender]

Gus, so sorry you are in such a dilemma, but you are receiving wonderful advice and inspiration from "Imthatgirl" and "summergirl".. also try going to link removed and read about the emotional trauma of living with some who is not in control of their life.. it's time for you to take care of yourself, that is the most wonderful gift to give yourself and your son.. take care of you so you can be there for him.

[Gus Almighty]

Wow Gus, now I have read all twelve pages and I have to tell you I can hardly see to type because my eyes are full of tears for you.

 

My jaw is wide open and I can hardly find the words to say, but you are being used as someones doormat.

 

You deserve the Husband of the Year award and honestly, that's all I can say right now!

 

I'm so sorry, you deserve the whole six pack!

 

I know summergirl, in fact alot of these posts just to think to type them litterally broke me down and I had to stop because I was crying so hard.

[Gus Almighty]

She called my on my cell at work a bit ago and we had a talk. We got into things about what it might take to get it together.

 

I told her that she must stop absolutely all contact with this man and get a new job. She said she would not and argued her point that she liked her job and had good benefits. I explained to her that we could get her a new job thats just as good or better but it was absolutely necessary for her to do it or we could not work it out.

 

I told her that I couldnt sit and wonder what comment the guy made to her this day or that day and whether or not shes going to do it again on a day that shes angry at me. She refused and I asked her if her job was more important than our marriage. I told her if she wouldnt quit her job then she made her decision and I hung up on her.

[Gus Almighty]

Well I just did what I said I was going to do as hard as it was, I called her father and told him what was happening.

 

He told me that he didnt know much of anything and that the girls were keeping him kinda in the dark about it.

 

He told me it didnt sound like her because she was not that way and I told him in response that I never thought she was either.

 

He kept asking when they would have had time to do it, I told him when, I told him that I was pretty sure it was in my house on my bed and that there is a possiblility as much as I hate to say it that they had been in his house due to the directions I found.

 

He is going home from work now to talk to his wife and ask her about it. He said possibly they would bring both she and I to their house and sit down together and talk about it.

 

I am getting very nervous about it now because I have opened up the can.

[Gus Almighty]

Oh Dear God, I only seen two pages to this horror story and there's twelve?

 

Jeez, I can only imagine how I'll feel after I catch up

 

This is my second thread on this too summer, this thread was only started after I found out it was true like I feared.

 

Here is the link to my other thread, its probably longer.

 

 

[blender]

Gus, try not to be so nervous about letting the TRUTH out, the truth will set you free, we are only as sick as our secrets. So be confident that the most healing thing to do is to live within truth, and your values and standards you set for YOUR OWN life, and then you wife has the opportunity to willingly join you in sharing those same values, if not, then in time you will move on and heal, and grow past all this to learn to love someone who is emotionally healthy and loving in a sincere stable way for you and your son. But it starts with you loving yourself and your son enough to have the courage to set some standards and live within them whether your wife chooses to or not.

[blender]

Gus, I've cut and past something I've posted on this site before, perhaps if you thought of your wife in a loving way that she is "a sick tree" whom you are relying on for a "healthy" relationship and that it's not very possible for you to "heal her" but more importantly to instead start "healing yourself".

 

Here's Richard Skerrit's writings, the story of the tree, illustrates the "false hope" and "emotional investment" in trying to rescue someone from themselves: seperating "feelings from facts" you might discover she is the tree...

 

 

The Parable of the Tree

A man lived in the Great Plains, many years ago. He had only one source of wood for all his needs: a beautiful large oak tree growing behind his cottage. Anyone passing by could see that this was truly a beautiful tree, and of course it was an oak tree so it must be strong. It would protect him from the prairie’s storms and provide shade from the sun.

 

This man was very happy about his tree. It was really all he had ever wanted to meet his many needs. It was large enough to provide firewood from its fallen branches, its many limbs could be cut as he needed them for building furniture. The man was very happy.

 

One day the man decided to make a chair, so he took his saw and went out to his tree. He climbed onto one of the lower limbs and began to saw it off. As his saw bit into the wood, the man got a funny feeling. Something just didn’t seem right. As he finished sawing the limb suddenly snapped as if it were brittle, shooting splinters into the man’s eyes. He was surprised and hurt, but he managed to clear his eyes and slid down to where the limb had dropped to the ground.

 

He looked at the end where he had made his cut and to his amazement he saw not the solid, gleaming bands of a healthy oak, but a pithy, brittle mass riddled with holes. The limb would not serve for furniture - no way. And the man realized that something was amiss. He began having suspicions about his beautiful tree.

 

The next day the man tried again, for life presses on, and he really needed a chair. So he climbed again to another limb, and began cutting. And again, just as he was about to complete his task, the limb shattered and sprayed him with sharp splinters. This time he was prepared, and managed to turn his head, but the splinters were sharp and they hurt him nonetheless. Again he climbed down, and discovered the same pithy, brittle mass.

 

With this the man realized that his precious tree was not well. It was diseased. It was infested with an insect, the prairie oak flea, (ie: the tree was depressed/stressed) which was known to cripple trees, but not to kill them.

 

As the disease progressed, the man realized that he was not getting from his tree the things he counted on for his safety and comfort. The leaves became thin and scattered, and the tree could not provide the shade that he needed from the hot sun. When storms came, instead of the sheltering buffer he had hoped for, the tree would yield its weakened limbs to the winds and they crashed down on his cottage roof. Once a limb broke right through in the midst of a storm and the man spent a cold wet night waiting for daylight so he could close the hole.

 

But still, the man loved his tree. It was a beautiful tree. And it was an oak. It was HIS oak. “I love my tree,” said the man. “I know it has a disease, but I love the tree nonetheless. I chose to build my home in its shelter and I am committed to staying with it.”

 

One day a passing wagon stopped, and the man in the wagon asked, “Why do you stay under this sick tree? It’s causing you so much pain, and there are things you need that it doesn’t give you?”

 

“Oh, no,” said the man. “ I love my tree. It’s the disease that I hate. The tree is still a beautiful tree, and it is my life.”

 

“But look,” said the man in the wagon. “Its wood is rotten. Its shade is useless. It harms you in storms when it should shelter you. And you have no furniture because its wood is brittle and pithy.”

 

“Oh, no,” said the man. “You must learn to separate the disease from the tree. Otherwise you’ll become embittered.”

 

“Well,” said the man in the wagon, “if the disease is separate, then where is the tree without the disease? I don’t see a healthy tree standing next to a disease. All I see is a pithy, bug-eaten tree that can barely stand on its own. If your tree is such a good provider, why is that you have so little, and what you have is patched and leaking?”

 

The man thought for a while, and then said, “You know, maybe you are right. No matter how much I say I love that tree, it will never give me the things I need from it. I guess you’re right. The TREE and the DISEASE are all the same thing. I don’t have a tree and a disease. I have a DISEASED TREE. And the longer I hang out under this tree, the longer I’m going to live without the shade and the wind shelter and the furniture that I need, and the more likely I’m going to be conked on the head by a falling limb. Maybe I need to start looking for another tree that can give me what I need...”

 

The man thought about it, and a little later he decided to look around for another place to have his home. And the man found a spot, even better than the one he had been living in, with a healthy maple growing nearby.

 

He hated to think of building his home all over again, but he was, at heart, a courageous man, and he decided to try. In a few months he had a new home, shaded in the summer, shielded from the wind, safe during storms, and he was able to build beautiful furniture for his study. He lived there, mostly happily, writing to his many friends who also had problem trees.

 

His old tree continued to grow in its same spot, and continued dropping limbs during every storm, just as before.

 

Gus, I hope this was helpful for you, I know how sad and disappointed you are feeling right now.. But see how the man in our story took control over the ONLY THING he could, and that was to make himself safe, healthy and happy, and he could still love his old unhealthy tree, and pray for it, but he knew to separate his feelings from the facts, and to let go with love...and get his own life together, then HE could provide shade, love, comfort, and security for himself and (and for your own son) and then whomever you would choose to love would possess these same qualities by choice and offer them to you as well... this is love.

[Gus Almighty]

Gus, try not to be so nervous about letting the TRUTH out, the truth will set you free, we are only as sick as our secrets. So be confident that the most healing thing to do is to live within truth, and your values and standards you set for YOUR OWN life, and then you wife has the opportunity to willingly join you in sharing those same values, if not, then in time you will move on and heal, and grow past all this to learn to love someone who is emotionally healthy and loving in a sincere stable way for you and your son. But it starts with you loving yourself and your son enough to have the courage to set some standards and live within them whether your wife chooses to or not.

 

I was not so nervous about letting the truth out, rather I was more nervous about the aftermath of what I had to do.

 

Theres going to be alot of anger on her end, and if her parents wont believe me without the audio then it may be hard to get in to let them hear it now.

 

Its still hard to have to prove this and I definitely dont want to but its necessary.

[blender]

Well first off they are HER parents, so it might be difficult to convince them she is "not so healthy" or "honest" about her behavior. So just do the best you can, remain calm and in control of your own emotions, and remember to know what YOUR own standards are, if she or her parents or all of them refuse to take any responsibility for the truth, then there is nothing you can do but to clearly state what it would take for YOU to stay involved with her.. you say that you are 'hurt, devastated by her choices to stray and get involved with another man, and that you will not stay involved as long as she is still working at the same place as him, and that you would want to get immediate marriage therapy for the two of you and if she is not willing to incorporate your above reasonable loving request, then you have to legally separate and get busy taking care of your own life and to work out a schedule and understanding in regards to the careful loving, and nurturing for your son's life in this new circumstance of seperation.

 

You will feel empowered and better if you know where YOU stand instead of constantly putting yourself a the mercy of responding to where she "might" stand in any given moment. That kind of "reactionary victim or circumstance" approach does not work, so stand your ground, set your boundaries, and loving let go if she does not want to work within the values that are so important to you in terms of a loving committed relationship.

 

Your 'fears" of taking responsiblity through letting all the truth out, are temporary fears, have the courage to walk through them so you can get out of this painful emotional holding pattern you are ALLOWING yourself to continue to be an active player in.

 

YOU have the power to control your own values, standards and to set some guidelines for what would be best for you and your son. And the best thing for him is to have a "hero" in his life who is willing to live in "truth" no matter how painful it may be in the moment, so in the long run he has the precious right to grow up in an emotionally stable healthy environment, and if that means you have to separate from her so you can re-gain some perspective on what is "truly important" (you and your son) and until she chooses to get some help for herself so she can committ, and love in a healthy responsible way, then it's the right thing for you to separate and ask that she make some difficult changes in her life (like changing jobs) so the two of you can realistically grow past all of this, and if she refuses to do so, then you let go with love and take time to re-build a life for yourself and your son.

[RayKay]

Gus,

 

If she is refusing to leave her current job (and I DO understand it is hard) and still not being upfront and honest about her behaviour, my advice is as before - this is not something you can heal on your own.

 

She MUST be prepared to SHOW you she is committed to this marriage; she has to go to counselling with you, she has to find another job, she has to be honest about what she has done with her family & friends and YOU.

 

Until she does, you MUST be strong and NOT let her walk all over you. It is YOU whom must make the decision now that you deserve better than this.

[CarnelianButterfly]

See the part that is making everything hard is that she wants to leave me one point and then when I am gone she misses me and wants me back. Its like she wants me and wants him both.

 

I dont make any sense out of most of this.

I hate to sound harsh, but your wife is a very selfish woman.

She doesn't respect you, your marriage or your son. She is only thinking of herself and her gratifications. She won't change without some drastic move on your part.

 

Have you thought about moving yourself and your son, taking away what she has already thrown away by cheating.

She may love your child, but she is not being a responsible parent, she's acting like a child, thinking only of herself.

 

She made a commitment to you and your son, she has violated that and refuses to change. She says she's still attached to her co-worker, but what about you? How can she say that is a valid reason for continuing this? You are the man she married, her loyalty should be to you, not some fling.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer, find out what are the chances of you getting custody of your son and tell her. It could hit home real hard if she finally sees what may happen if she continues. She will be left, no husband, no son, no family all because she is still attached to her fling.

[Mrelite]

Man my advice to u is it is not the end of the world.You will find someone who is good looking and treat u better than your current wife, don't be afraid to throw in towel because i feel reading your posts that you are afraid you will not find anyone again and you fear being alone.......trust me you will find someone faster than you think.

 

BTW hello from dogpound(harry674)