I found out the only way that I could

[Gus Almighty]

She still wants to pass blame on me because she says I do nothing but try to sound like I am perfect and she is crap. We had a long talk tonight after she got home from going out with her friend for dinner.

 

We went into alot of the reasonings on the way she felt and the way I had felt. We went back pretty deep into things or at least I was. She just doesnt act like she wants to try, saying shes not sure what she wants, I think she wants me to give up without actually having to tell me.

 

However she made some statement about how she wants freedom to go out with her friends like she did tonight, however it was like she almost slipped on her words.....she said it sort of like going out with friends like she did tonight.......friends plural. Its hard for me to remember exactly how she worded it, but she was saying it as if she went out with more than just her friend.

 

I really have a feeling right now that she went on more of a date with that guy of course I will never know for sure. Although she told me days ago about some guy that was interested in her friend very much, I have a feeling that they double dated I really do right now for some reason. I think she got alot more dressed up than she normally would to go out, I think she wore nice things like you might wear if you were going on an actual date.

 

Yeah her friend is the one that was parking her jeep in front of our old apartment when she was screwing a guy at work. Shes still with the same guy she was cheating on before, but now I guess shes thinking about getting with this other guy.

 

Yeah it was some kind of date, I am almost positive. Totally crazy.

 

I will look into this, more to come I am sure.

[Gus Almighty]

Man my advice to u is it is not the end of the world.You will find someone who is good looking and treat u better than your current wife, don't be afraid to throw in towel because i feel reading your posts that you are afraid you will not find anyone again and you fear being alone.......trust me you will find someone faster than you think.

 

BTW hello from dogpound(harry674)

 

Harry Thank You for coming to my aid, I appreciate it very much.

 

I just want to think that I can save the marriage if we work and she is willing to, the thing is she is not interested in it. Its more like she telling me that shes not sure what she wants so she doesnt want me to wait to find out. I think she is trying to tell me that shes found someone else but cant tell me because she knows how much I love her.

[Mrelite]

Harry Thank You for coming to my aid, I appreciate it very much.

 

I just want to think that I can save the marriage if we work and she is willing to, the thing is she is not interested in it. Its more like she telling me that shes not sure what she wants so she doesnt want me to wait to find out. I think she is trying to tell me that shes found someone else but cant tell me because she knows how much I love her.

 

i understood from your last post that you guys are going back in that circle again....this will leave u emotionally wrecked...and even if this relationship works out temporarily it will always be in back of your mind that she cheated you once and it will be never be kinda healthy relationship......i think what u need to do is feel better...maybe go on a date when she wants to go out with friends.. ever considered dating again?........maybe it will be easier for you to leave this cheating wife if you find sb.

[blender]

Gus, please grow past thist "I will look into this".. why not just gather up your self respect and instead of "looking into this" simply SEE and ACCEPT what is right in front of you, that she is NOT ready to be fully committed to working on your marriage. It doesn't matter anymore which excuse or "why" she doesn't want to, it's just clear that she is NOT ready to.. so it's time for YOU to live within your own standards.. what are your standards?

 

Ask yourself: How long do you plan on being a victim of circumstance? How much energy do you plan on giving into a woman who is NOT asking you to do so? How long will you compromise your own sense of self in a hope that she will suddenly change her ways and magically become a loving and committed wife? Again, what are YOUR standards?

 

What does marriage mean to YOU? Is she actively choosing to share YOUR vision and value of your marriage? Nope so far she is not willing to do so...

 

so the best thing for you to do is to "accept" that for right now she is not emotionally capable of giving you a repsectful healthy honest answer... and the only way she might be inclined to "focus" on a healthy honest effort to save the marriage or even have an honest conversation is if YOU choose to focus on your own life and get busy filing for a seperation so you can re-gain some healthy perspective on your own choices... and then she can have the opportunity to realize YOU are SERIOUS about how important the value and standards of marriage are to you.

 

Ask yourself some self loving quesitons: Why are you staying in this marriage right now? What about is is working for you? What about this marriage as it is right now, is real, honest, healthy, loving, sacred, trusting, and potentially healing?

[CarnelianButterfly]

She's being very manipulative dragging this on and on. My guess is she will freak if you do leave her and try to pull you back in. She probably likes to have the whole traditional family, but the excitement of sleeping around is what she thinks she entitled to because of how dull or bad (insert childish reason here) her life is being a mother and wife.

 

Its sad that you are suffering so much from this selfish behavior. Has your son picked up on any of the friction?

[Gus Almighty]

i understood from your last post that you guys are going back in that circle again....this will leave u emotionally wrecked...and even if this relationship works out temporarily it will always be in back of your mind that she cheated you once and it will be never be kinda healthy relationship......i think what u need to do is feel better...maybe go on a date when she wants to go out with friends.. ever considered dating again?........maybe it will be easier for you to leave this cheating wife if you find sb.

 

I know harry, I have already came to this conclusion moments ago. Look at the pound posts I just made and you will understand more.

 

I am tired of her putting a lock on her cell phone, locking her purse and whatever else she is hiding in her car. If she had nothing to hide then she would not be doing that and I know that is true. The reason I had to dig into everything she had was because I knew something was there, something she didnt want me to find ever because she was living in sin.

 

Shes at a place now where I caught her and since I have and let her know my feelings shes going into a shell to keep me out of her private life while she does what she wants with this guy all the while telling me she doesnt know what she wants and isnt sure when she will.

 

We were supposed to go out together tomorrow to do something, who knows what. I may just cancel this out because I dont know why she is doing it other than most likely giving us a night together because she did something with her (and probably him) the night before.

 

Tomorrow I am going to tell her that she doesnt need to hide it anymore, I know why she doesnt want to try and cannot tell me. Our love life and sex life is now done, I wont touch her again because it doesnt make her happy, she was only doing it because she felt bad because of what she has been doing. Guilty sex.

 

Its ok and its done, I will keep it civil because I love my son....yes I still love her and I cant help it but I am not going on like this anymore. I am going to go find myself a girl to date that can like me for who I am and not pout and play mind games when she wants something. I knew it early that she was selfish but I had enough problems that I accepted it because she came to me when I was in a hard spot in my life. I think I gave her more credit for that than she deserves probably.

 

Its time for me to make those changes i was trying to make in myself for her but now they are going to be for me and me only.......well other than my son of course hes my little dude and hes going to have a good dad.

 

I fully understand now that she doesnt respect me and doesnt care that much about me other than the bond we have with our son. That guy can have her, he will find out what shes like outside of work soon enough and wont want that crap for long. By that time I will have found a real honest and true woman.

 

If your reading this B. sorry I put you through all the stress of the calls and all the long talks. I didnt mean to hurt you, I was just too blinded by my feelings to open my eyes and see the truth.

 

No more falling down.

[Gus Almighty]

She's being very manipulative dragging this on and on. My guess is she will freak if you do leave her and try to pull you back in. She probably likes to have the whole traditional family, but the excitement of sleeping around is what she thinks she entitled to because of how dull or bad (insert childish reason here) her life is being a mother and wife.

 

Its sad that you are suffering so much from this selfish behavior. Has your son picked up on any of the friction?

 

Hes been having a bit of trouble going to sleep off and on and I am sure its because of this. Yeah I am just going to stop this trying and tell her that this is it, she doesnt have to drag it out for fear of anything anymore.

 

She can be who she wants to be and I will be me.

[Gus Almighty]

I just checked the cell phone logs for the evening, she never called him once as was her usual thing with him. This tells me they had plans and that they were meeting tonight, its just all too suspicious.....and I dont think I am being paranoid.

 

Its pretty well set now in my head that she was with him tonight even if only for a date.

 

And as far as this guy being married, he either isnt anymore or is separated and living apart from his wife.

 

I dont think hes living there with his wife anymore, I really dont. My wife made a comment a couple nights ago when she was angry, told me to go ahead and call his wife and tell him, showed no fear. That tells me after thinking that she may already know or they are already separated. he may have even told her to go ahead and have him call her because it didnt matter anyway.

 

She made a comment about slowly packing to move out on the audio also, she made some jokey comment about mommys gonna go live in a trailer now. I think the guys living cheaply in a trailer park somewhere until his divorce is final is what i think. There arent any divorce filings for his name in the vicinity county records. Although she still maintains that he does not intend to leave his wife because of the kids, I kinda doubt it.

 

In fact its like I almost know it because he said well if you ever get lonely you know where I am. Its like he doesnt have to hide anything at all, like he doesnt have a concern about his wife finding out. And she wouldnt if he was living apart from her already.

 

Does this make sense to anyone else? I dont know if this is good or bad, but a friend of mine told me a while back that he almost wished I wasnt such a good detective.

[Gus Almighty]

And it probably sounds like i am still stewing over this, I am really not. Its just that things are coming more together even now and its making it much easier on me to see and accept.

[auburnslp]

do you have a lawyer yet? Get one if not. It's time to cut and run buddy, in my opinion. I am dealing with the same thing, though I don't have the proof that you do-I just have enough to know that she was not faithful in the heart at the very least. I got a great lawyer and she agreed to go uncontested...no kids. But brother-maybe you are different, but I just couldn't go back because I would have never trusted her again, and life would have been miserable for both of us...good luck to you.

[Blazer]

Gus,

The anguish you must feel is evident in your words. But I ask you this ... How much more do you need to know to make a decision ? If you keep this up you absolutely will get to the point where your thoughts will be filled with ugly realizations and sordid images. I know from experience that will happen. You will at some point become aware that no relationship is salvageable without BOTH persons being willing to set aside other interests and figure it out ... but in the process the information you are gathering along the way will tear you apart. Trust is a key ingredient, but along with that goes mutual respect. Are you being treated with respect ? I think you deserve that.

[Gus Almighty]

I now have her at the point where she was able to open up and tell me everything.

 

Last night I told her I was sick of sitting back waiting for her to decide what she wanted and sick of kissing her butt in fear while giving her space to do god knows what when I wasnt around. I told her that she said she didnt know what she wanted but it sure wasnt me. I went and told her that we were done and left, I got out of there after I made her cry uncontrollably, and rather than feeling bad about bashing her the way I did when I left I felt amazingly good for 2 hours time.

 

I felt like I had done what I needed to do for myself.

 

She called a bit later and left a voicemail message, sarcastically thanking me for being such a good father that she had to take her sick son out to the store tonight to get him formula and baby food. He has a runny nose, I didnt feel bad and wasnt falling into it.

 

I shut my phone off for the rest of the night. I went and talked to some friends, called some long distance friends in other states from my online communities that had invited me to call and talk to them. I was going to go out with friends and get drunk with them, I changed my mind....drove around for a couple hours then I ended up at a bar. I ordered 1 rum and coke and slammed it like a shot. I then had a regular coke. I repeated this process one time and it was enough alcohol to cool me down a bit.

 

I went to my moms and got some rest. She called me around 11 or something and I told her I just wanted a divorce as much as it hurt me. We argued for a bit on the phone and she told me fine, she would meet me over at the house in a bit because she wanted to get the details over with and done.

 

When I got there we talked about things at first, then we argued and then finally we cried alot together which was the first shes ever done with me. She began to explain some of the reasons for what had happened and there were many things that were my fault that aided in her losing her emotional bond with me from her bad relationship with her father when she was younger which was alot of the reason for her putting up walls to men. She explained how she felt when she had the miscarriage of our first baby at about 8 weeks, how I sat at the bathroom door not knowing what to do for her, at the time I felt she just wanted to be alone..........I went to work that morning, when I should have sat myself there right at the door waiting for her to come out.

 

Its not all her here, there is alot that had to do with my problems. You guys all probably can figure that I am a very sensitive man but I also do some very dumb things and it seems like I always do them at the exact worst times.

 

At this point we are doing a trial separation, I am staying at my mothers and am going to see my son in the evenings while she leaves for a while. We are going to give it time to see if she thinks she wants to work, if she wants to take the chance that she might feel that way about me again, to see if she wants to put in the work that I will require for us to heal the relationship completely.

 

Never know, never know

[Locke2121]

I haven't been able to post so far....Dang Gus. I was afraid this would happen. But you know what, its a good thing! You know now, all the shadows have been lifted and you can start to work on some things. I'll just make a few points and leave it at that.

 

One: Protect yourself. Make several dups of that tape and give them to people you trust. NEVER give out the original. If the two of you do decide to divorce (hoping not here) you'll need it to claim your son. Courts very often give full custody to the mother. But proving infidelity can really swing the courts in your favor. I'm thinking you don't want your son around this dude?

 

Two: Just want to comment on the inner power you've started showing! I think you are really starting to come into your own. Your starting to stand up for yourself, its a good thing to see. Don't let that inner power die off and start being the blind little hubby again!

 

Three: Everyone has problems. Just because you and she have had problems is no reason for her to cheat! Yes, you could have been more attentive...but she could have expressed her concerns better! Don't read too much into what she said in your last post! There is room for improvment, but don't let her problems become an excuse for her actions!

 

 

 

Gods bless Gus....I don't know where you're gonna be six months down the road...but I think it'll be in a healthier place!

[Gus Almighty]

It is a difficult time right now. After we talked and agreed to get the time apart she asked me to stay that night.

 

We went outside together with our son and sat on the hill in back of our new house. She leaned over and kissed me unexpectedly.

 

We went for a walk with our son afterward and talked abit. She talked about things she might want to do to the house and this and that.

 

It felt good but at the same time it was scary, I just dont know what I can expect from all this. She told me that she just wanted me to stay that night and she still did want time apart.

 

I told her I was going to stay at my mothers house after last night.

[Locke2121]

Good man...don't give in to those feelings of longing! Just stay strong and do your best to stay the strong man you've become. Like I said, I don't know whats going to happen, you may get back together or not...but either way your life will get better...at least in the long run.

 

I recommend Sawyer Brown's All These Years....maybe you wife is seeing what she has to loose!

[Gus Almighty]

Good man...don't give in to those feelings of longing! Just stay strong and do your best to stay the strong man you've become. Like I said, I don't know whats going to happen, you may get back together or not...but either way your life will get better...at least in the long run.

 

I recommend Sawyer Brown's All These Years....maybe you wife is seeing what she has to loose!

 

I am trying very hard to do as you have said, its just so hard to figure her thoughts. I can only hope shes being serious about her intentions right now.

[Locke2121]

Don't figure her thoughts! They're hers, not yours. Don't try to cater to what you think she wants, thats the old Gus. You need to just keep being the man you've become!

 

She wanted you to come home...in a way, she wanted to exert some of the old control she had over you. But you resisted, you stood up for yourself and let her know that your not doing any of the old Gus crap. Your a new Gus, one who has laid down a new set of rules and expect the game to be played by them. THATS what you should be concentrating on. That and preparing for the chance that she won't change. Then you need to work HARD to keep your son safe from her and her cheating.

[CamaroGuy]

Gus, I am sorry for what has happened to you, and I hope it will work out for the best for you and your son.

 

However, I have this adivce: Do not make any copies of the tape that has the recordings of your wifes phone calls to the other guy on it. Do not let anyone else hear the tape. Do not use it in any way to prove your wifes infidelity. If you produce those in court you will go to jail. In Indiana, what you have done is a felony:

Ind. Code Ann. § 35-33.5-1-5: The recording or acquiring of the contents of a telephonic or telegraphic communication by someone who is neither the sender nor the receiver is a felony and can be the basis for civil liability. Ind. Code Ann. §§ 35-33.5-5-4, -5.

I would destroy the original and any copies you may have made immediately.

[Gus Almighty]

Gus, I am sorry for what has happened to you, and I hope it will work out for the best for you and your son.

 

However, I have this adivce: Do not make any copies of the tape that has the recordings of your wifes phone calls to the other guy on it. Do not let anyone else hear the tape. Do not use it in any way to prove your wifes infidelity. If you produce those in court you will go to jail. In Indiana, what you have done is a felony:

 

I would destroy the original and any copies you may have made immediately.

 

Well I dont even have it anymore, for some reason that night I got the recording I handed it back to her. I was hurt at the time and probably wasnt thinking.

[Locke2121]

WHAT?! Ahh Gus!

[CamaroGuy]

Well I dont even have it anymore, for some reason that night I got the recording I handed it back to her. I was hurt at the time and probably wasnt thinking.

Well, at this point you should hope she forgets about it. It seems she doesn't know the law, otherwise she might have threatened you about it already.

[Rabican]

Gus Ive been reading this thread, and I think you are gonna drive yourself insane wondering what shes doing, why shes doing it, whom shes doing it with, when shes doing it and where. None of that really matters anymore bro. You need to sit yourself down and realize that you need to MOVE ON. Get her out of your life. Whatever you had with your wife, In my opinion has turned into a poisonous nightmare... one in which you are better off without.

 

She has already told you she wont leave her job, which means getting away from this guy. Even if she told you she wouldnt contact him, you could NEVER trust her 100% on that if he was right there in her office all day/ week/ year.

 

I think what you need to do is just file for divorce, keep the evidence that you have (the audio tapes, and anything else you can get your hands on, cell phone records, anything). Dont use any of this as evidence or proof or some means to get back at her, or get back WITH her.... just use it to make sure you dont lose all of your money/ house etc.

 

I agree with you telling her parents... like it or not they are your kids grandparents... and Id rather not spend the rest of my, or their lives wondering what kind of vile garbage lies she is telling them. ITs best they know the truth, at least as you see it.

 

Ultimately I think I would change the locks on the house, and leave her a message that she was welcome to come and pick up her stuff from my front porch at her earliest convenience. In my opinion she isnt worthy of a second chance at this point. I think the only arrangement you should have with her is who is seeing your child and when.

 

Then, get yourself either some counselling or some hobbies... you gotta worry about you, move on bro. Go out and go fishing or something.

[Locke2121]

Rabican may be right Gus. SHE is the one that messed up the relationship. If she wants it fixed, its up to her. You need to get on with your life and find a permanent center of strength from which to lead the rest of your life.....your son would be a great one.

[Gus Almighty]

Rabican may be right Gus. SHE is the one that messed up the relationship. If she wants it fixed, its up to her. You need to get on with your life and find a permanent center of strength from which to lead the rest of your life.....your son would be a great one.

 

Yes I know you both are right in certain ways in my specific situation.

 

She has presented an interested in spending time with me although we had made the agreement I was going to come over in the evenings and take care of him while she leaves. This hasnt happened even one time, yesterday she wanted to meet me after work to go to dinner and the day before we went for a walk and sat and talked in the back yard.

 

I know she is trying but its too hard on me to do it her way, I need to get release from the situation and stick to what we had originally agreed upon.

[Gus Almighty]

WHAT?! Ahh Gus!

 

Yes her family was screaming that it was illegal anyway. I suppose if I had gotten photographic proof that would have been illegal in some way too.

 

What was I supposed to do? Its all so insane.