I found out the only way that I could

[Locke2121]

Be careful on the rebound Gus.

[ImThatGirl]

Gus................... You are vulnerable right now. You most likely have goggles on and any girl that is sweet to you is going to seem like the golden ticket compared to her. Please be careful. Please work on strengthening your independence and finding a comfy place before datine.

 

(although I can completely relate to where you are coming from at this moment.)

[blender]

Gus, now is NOT the time to start dating, it's most likely healthier to instead take time on your own, to sort out your life, and go from one extreme (unhappy marriage into a new dating scene immediately) before you seek some self awareness. Ask yourself and find some honest answers:

 

Why did you stay so long in an unhealthy marriage?

What are YOUR values and standards for a relationship?

How do you now work towards providing the most stable life for your son?

How do you get a legal seperation and start making choices for your OWN life instead of asking your emotionally wishy-washy wife what she wants?

How do you stop ALLOWING yourself to be a victim of circumstance and instead choose a pro-active approach to your life?

 

To start dating now is choosing to behave similar to your wife, by going "outside yourself" for a distraction instead of facing your own issues and taking time to work through them on your own.

 

Find peace and sense of self, independence and inner happiness and gratitude and THEN start SHARING this with someone you love instead of trying to ATTAIN it by getting someone to love you.

 

You have options here, and try to remember we get the same lessons over and over again in life until we choose to learn from them and begin to do things differently. How's your "life pattern" of choices working for you so far? Have your choices to re-act instead of be pro-active lead you to a peaceful serene fulfilling life so far?

 

See, there is hope because you always have an option to choose a new attitude and new approach towards your own life. Instead of continuing to CHOOSE TO BE A VICTIM of your emotionally unhealthy wife's choices..by being emotionally unhealthy yourself.. you can work on this, but it starts with you addressing yourself and your own issues...

 

You can now make choices one day at a time based on your own values and standards. If your belief is that it's wrong, unhealthy, dis-loyal for a spouse to seek a relationship outside the marriage? Then start there, and let your wife know that until she is willing to seek some couples therapy and make a clear intentional commitment through her behaviors to work on your marriage, that you will no longer engage in any more conversation, or plans regarding your life together, but instead will now focus on a schedule of taking care of your son as parents, and you're going to take the rest of your time to focus on your own issues and work on them, and you will only make "plans" with her as a husband, IF and WHEN she makes a clear intentional consistent effort to get some therapy. If not, then it's time for YOU to do things "differently" based on all you have learned about the recent approach towards her that does NOT seem to be getting you anywhere....

 

Doing the same approach over and over again expecting a different result is NOT going to work... you've learned that now, so unless you want the lesson again and again, stop. choose to learn, change your approach and base it on YOUR standards and values. Keeping your son and yourself as the priority. This self respecting approach allows your wife the opportunity to discover that IF she ever wants to be a healthy part of YOUR life then she has some changes and some intentional commitments to make..until then, you are letting go, and taking time to re-discover who YOU are. And to be a good father.

[Gus Almighty]

I do understand what your all saying. I dont mean I want to jump into anything at all, I just want to go out and enjoy peoples company that are genuine. If that involves a lady or 2 on a nice date then that would be just great.

 

I am not going to just jump into anything, I am not in a rebound mentallity at all. Its just different now and I do feel refreshed.

 

Quite the opposite of the way i have been feeling for so many days. I know what I need to do and what I dont know yet I am going to focus in on and learn along the way.

 

Major changes are happening now.

[Gus Almighty]

I just need to take a long vacation and hang out with each of my new buddys on here for a day or 2 each. I do appreciate the support through this mess.

[ImThatGirl]

If you promise you won't go out trying to meet people to have a serious relationship with, then you have my authorization.

 

I think socializing and getting to know others is a great way to get back to yourself. Build confidence and feel good.

 

Just no thoughts of a serious relationship or finding "the one," okay?

[Gus Almighty]

If you promise you won't go out trying to meet people to have a serious relationship with, then you have my authorization.

 

I think socializing and getting to know others is a great way to get back to yourself. Build confidence and feel good.

 

Just no thoughts of a serious relationship or finding "the one," okay?

 

YES MA'AM I PROMISE!

 

I need to wait to see if your ever going to be on the market anyway. Just teasin.

[Dissed]

Yer probably not a good time to start looking for dates yet, lol I know the temptations there but really best to find yourself again first.

 

The thought of dating again scares the c**p out of me, I'm hoping that I won't have to take that option & can work it out with my wife but don't hold much hope of that to be honest.

 

Don't know about you Gus but because I became so immersed into my family I don't have many friends anymore so feel pretty alone.

[Gus Almighty]

Yer probably not a good time to start looking for dates yet, lol I know the temptations there but really best to find yourself again first.

 

The thought of dating again scares the c**p out of me, I'm hoping that I won't have to take that option & can work it out with my wife but don't hold much hope of that to be honest.

 

Don't know about you Gus but because I became so immersed into my family I don't have many friends anymore so feel pretty alone.

 

I know exactly what you mean, the lonliness, the despair its alot to consume you if you let it keep doing it. I guess one thing now is that I have always wanted to do alot of things that were holding me back.

 

I am going to go play poker at the Heartland Tour, go watch some Boxing Matches in Chicago and in Michigan, take a weekend fishing trip this spring in a few weeks and get with my friends that wanted to build a haunted house for Halloween.

 

Look for those things you werent able to do Dissed and just do them for yourself for once. That helps heal all things and you feel like you have accomplished things you never thought you could.

 

Tonight she acts like she wants me to come and spend time with her, actually even told me that she loves me which surprised me alot. Playing it day by day to see what goes with my guard still up.

[Locke2121]

Oh, loves you eh? Well, I'm sure she does. But love isn't enough, respect plays a big part of any relationship. After the convo you related to us, I'm not so sure about that part...what do you think?

 

Hang strong Gus, your doing all the right things to get your life back on track. Your starting to live for yourself, having fun instead of working all the time. Your starting to live. Good going!

[Gus Almighty]

Oh, loves you eh? Well, I'm sure she does. But love isn't enough, respect plays a big part of any relationship. After the convo you related to us, I'm not so sure about that part...what do you think?

 

Hang strong Gus, your doing all the right things to get your life back on track. Your starting to live for yourself, having fun instead of working all the time. Your starting to live. Good going!

 

Locke you are the best, I dont know what to think of it yet thats why I am going in with guard strong. She wont get into my head at this point unless shes willing to open up fully and talk like is necessary to start the recovery.

[Locke2121]

She wont get into my head at this point unless shes willing to open up fully and talk like is necessary to start the recovery.

 

Good, you know exactly what you want, and your not settling for less. Your gonna make it Gus.

[Gus Almighty]

Good, you know exactly what you want, and your not settling for less. Your gonna make it Gus.

 

The hardest thing to deal with in this woman is that when things get rough she sometimes wants to quit, or she will put a wall up to keep pain out.

 

This is alot of the reason she wasnt more emotional when I was, its weird and awkward but she comes around eventually after she feels its safe to drop the defense.

[Beec]

Tonight she acts like she wants me to come and spend time with her, actually even told me that she loves me which surprised me alot. Playing it day by day to see what goes with my guard still up.

 

Loves you? LOVES YOU? Hmmm, sounds like she thinks that all ove is is some emotions that stir inside of her once in a while, and has nothing to do with how she acts and treats you.

 

LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN A FEELING.

 

Love is all about doing what is right for someone else, hoping for good things for them, doing things that are better for them while actually requiring some sacrifice from you. She seems to know nothing about this, and should hear a lecture on it, and you Gus, are just the guy to deliver that lecture. Next time she mentions anything like that, you mgiht need to pick a time and place, but let her hear it.

 

She married you and swore to love you, but she did not do it, because love is not just a feeling. It's all about how you treat people.

[blender]

The hardest thing to deal with in this woman is that when things get rough she sometimes wants to quit, or she will put a wall up to keep pain out.

 

This is alot of the reason she wasnt more emotional when I was, its weird and awkward but she comes around eventually after she feels its safe to drop the defense.

 

 

So, in reality, you realize that the first paragraph of your "quoted post" above would directly be repeated after the second paragraph, correct?

 

Meaning, "her pattern" is:

 

She puts up a wall, but then eventualyl drops the defense, and then she will put the wall back up again because she doesn't want to feel pain (which is how we grow), then she comes around again, then she will put the wall up again..ugh.. what part of this do you not know is an endless cycle? It's you, you're allowing yourself to support her unhealthy patterns by STAYING INVOVLED..

 

why not allow her the precious opportunity to FEEL HER OWN PAIN..and let her grow through it, process it on her own by YOU letting go with love. and make a choice of getting out of the way, and know that it's up to her to deal with her issues?

 

because the only way you can lovingly try to help SOMEONE ELSE is to help YOURSELF, and let go of YOUR part in supporting her above described pattern...

 

You have this experience, and knowledge, and the only thing you can do about it, is to set your own standards/values and let her know what they are, so maybe, just maybe she might actually think seriously about what is of "VALUE" so she can make a CHOICE to seek some professional help to alleviate her "patterns"..

 

If you continue to do the same approach over and over again, of stating what you want, but then giving in, and being there on her "good days' and then allowing yourself to just be in the background on her bad days, all the while never really LIVING within your own standards..but instead just being addicted to the unhealthy pattern you both engage in..well then why would she feel any need or urgency to changer her part in the pattern?

 

It's impossible to "talk someone into" understanding you, you have to "show" them who you are by your choices.. and vice versa.

 

Using guilt, critisism, convincing, teaching, arguing, snooping as a way to "control or fix" someone else does NOT work. Thos are all a part of your unhealthy pattern in all this..don't you think? Words, talks, all that stuff isn't going to change...

 

Actions speak louder than words, so you can stick around and continue to let her know when she is behaving well, and then reprimand her when she is not, OR you can take a healthier, more healing approach and STOP your side of this pattern, and express your values to her, let her know that when and if she is willing to "get therapy together and actively make choices to incorporate healthy, stable patterns into her own life" THEN you are willing to spend time with her..but until then you are going to go live you life, take care of your son, get a legal seperation, and allow yourself to let go, and also give her the opportunity to observe how seriously you are about getting your own life together... that would be more of an inspiration for her to do the same.. especially for the sake of your son.

 

I hope you will consider doing this all differently.. you can make a change in YOUR life... best, blender

[Gus Almighty]

Ok new development.

 

I tried asking her if she would like to go out and do something with me on Saturday night. I have been staying at my mothers for a few days. She mentioned it was possible. She also told me a couple of different things that she may be doing that day so I would need to watch our son. Seems like the story is all shaky, she said she may have to work, that she was planning on going house hunting with her friend thats on the market and later on she mentioned going to see her neice to paint easter eggs.

 

She also told me she kinda missed me and wanted to spend some time together tonight which is Friday.

 

Then she told me that sunday she was taking our son to her sisters house because alot of the family is coming over.

 

Should I believe it at this point or should I doubt?

 

The shaky storys about Saturday are what kind of made me wonder.

 

Do you think it is still going on even though she told me up and down that she ended that relationship?

[ImThatGirl]

YES MA'AM I PROMISE!

 

I need to wait to see if your ever going to be on the market anyway. Just teasin.

 

Heheheheh!

[Rabican]

Loves you? LOVES YOU? Hmmm, sounds like she thinks that all ove is is some emotions that stir inside of her once in a while, and has nothing to do with how she acts and treats you.

 

LOVE IS MUCH MORE THAN A FEELING.

 

Love is all about doing what is right for someone else, hoping for good things for them, doing things that are better for them while actually requiring some sacrifice from you. She seems to know nothing about this, and should hear a lecture on it, and you Gus, are just the guy to deliver that lecture. Next time she mentions anything like that, you mgiht need to pick a time and place, but let her hear it.

 

She married you and swore to love you, but she did not do it, because love is not just a feeling. It's all about how you treat people.

 

+1 to what beec said.

[Gus Almighty]

Well today I got irritated again, telling her how I felt and how I knew what i wanted. She talked some more, we kinda went over the things we went over before again which irritated her.

 

She doesn't know what she wants, she is fearful that shes going to feel the way she felt before again and she is afraid that I wont ever be able to let it go. She told me that if she didn't love me at all that she wouldn't be here anymore which I do believe because of the way she is.

 

I ended up going with her to her family's get together today. She asked if I was going, I only said I would go if she wanted me to go and she said she did. The day was pretty much fine.

 

Later on after we had the argument/talk I told her that I was sorry for pushing, that it was just so overwhelming and that I felt my life had changed so much in such a short time. I told her about how if I was still her it was because I wanted to try because I did love her so much.

 

I am now trying to give her the time to think. I ran to walmart a bit later and we hung up alot of the baby pictures. None of us, she had ripped them all up during an angry stage. Things are a bit better now, she kissed me goodnight.

 

I am just going to hang on for a while, its all I can do unless I want to pack up and just leave. I dont want to do that because I do have faith left in my love.

[Locke2121]

Your doing good Gus! You've become a man that she sees as more independent, forceful and confident..though you may not feel like that all the time. The air of indifference you keep putting up, it seems like a higher level of confidence and willpower that what you used to have. Just keep going!

[Gus Almighty]

Your doing good Gus! You've become a man that she sees as more independent, forceful and confident..though you may not feel like that all the time. The air of indifference you keep putting up, it seems like a higher level of confidence and willpower that what you used to have. Just keep going!

 

Thank You Locke, you've been so much more than I expected here and I think your one good man.

 

Last night I went to bed and layed on my side away from her. She reached her arms out and put one on my face and was rubbing it while the other hand went over mine. She was at least half asleep.

 

I had to later get up to feed the baby and then came back to bed and tried to put my arm around her which made her flip out and get irritated.

 

I dont know if she was dreaming and thought I was him or if her mood changed. Time will tell.

[Locke2121]

Maybe dreaming...don't read too much into it. Her subconscious took over for a minute..thats all. You could have been a bald bear and she probably would have done the same thing.

[Gus Almighty]

Maybe dreaming...don't read too much into it. Her subconscious took over for a minute..thats all. You could have been a bald bear and she probably would have done the same thing.

 

lol I know.

[Gus Almighty]

Today since I have a half day have went to get more picture frames to get pictures up, cleaned up the house a bit and am contemplating going and getting some kind of a table to assemble for a corner.

 

I wont let this all get me down, its a fun time I am having today and thats genuine.

 

I guess I keep posting here to mark my progresses, I dont know if thats something that is frowned upon and I hope not. I need to keep a log of what has been happening in my life.

[GQstatus]

Keep posting man. I'm rooting for ya, and checking in almost everyday. You seem to be doing better, and getting stronger each day, keep it up.

 

Have you looked into starting your own little private journal here? Check the main page for the section on it.