I found out the only way that I could

[Gus Almighty]

Gus, she sucked you back in. You were firm for 5 minutes, she cried and you went back to overly supportive Gus!

You can't be firm and than easily manipulated to softy gus.

She said she broke off with him (yeah, like she didn't say she is not sleaping with him earlier) and said she has no idea about the marriagge and you started crawling around her again.

Thats nothing. She just said what you wanted to hear. She's manipulating you big time.

 

I guess at this point I dont feel the same as you do yet. She was a totally different person than she had every other time we had an argument about this.

 

In our situation its not extremely easy for her to get a new job right now so I have to give her a little working room, although I realize I cant give her too much right now.

 

She did tell me that it wasnt exactly over yet, she only called him and talked to him for a moment. She said he wouldnt accept just that short talk about it and would want a better explanation.

 

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.

[RayKay]

She said he wouldnt accept just that short talk about it and would want a better explanation.

 

She could not have just replied with "I am married - that is the explanation"?

 

I don't know Gus....you need to be VERY careful here....I still do not think she is accepting responsibility.

[Gus Almighty]

She could not have just replied with "I am married - that is the explanation"?

 

I don't know Gus....you need to be VERY careful here....I still do not think she is accepting responsibility.

 

I understand that and I do intend to remain being careful. She is going to have to face things fully and when I mentioned counselling again she said she didnt want to go to a church. Thats her choice but I am going to find a regular counsellor for her because she needs it and must face these things rather than try to get past them by putting them away.

[Gus Almighty]

Only have a moment, Gus!

 

Just wanted to say, Congrats at standing your grounds tonight!

 

Please remember, you can't fix everything. She has to want to change and work on herself and on her marriage.

 

I'd be willing to assist with looking up counselors with a sliding scale rate if you'd like. Let me know. This is going to take much time, effort, dedication, strength, patience, love. For both of you.

 

How will you know if she talks to him again? Did she mention finding a new job?

 

I'll be there to meet ya for that beer....! Where's the meeting place? j/k (I'm in IN)

 

Good luck! It's going to be a long road! Don't forget about us! We'll be here to support you through this!

 

Dont get me too drunk lady, I flirt alot. :splat:

[blender]

Gus, it's not about you getting HER therapy, it's about getting YOURSELF some help. You are powerless over HER choices, it's when you "accept" that YOU are all you have "power and control" over that you can re-gain some perspective and seek some professional guidance, you, and your son are worthy of YOU taking care of YOU.. this is the most powerful thing you can do to help save yourself, your marriage, and your son from another "emotional rollercoaster".. remember it's not about you "fixing" your wife and HER emotions, but it's getting better knowledge of who YOU are and what YOU value in life and how to be effective in setting some standards and boundaries for you.

[Gus Almighty]

Gus, it's not about you getting HER therapy, it's about getting YOURSELF some help. You are powerless over HER choices, it's when you "accept" that YOU are all you have "power and control" over that you can re-gain some perspective and seek some professional guidance, you, and your son are worthy of YOU taking care of YOU.. this is the most powerful thing you can do to help save yourself, your marriage, and your son from another "emotional rollercoaster".. remember it's not about you "fixing" your wife and HER emotions, but it's getting better knowledge of who YOU are and what YOU value in life and how to be effective in setting some standards and boundaries for you.

 

I know it Blender, those are some of the things I need to deal with on my end as well. I appreciate your angles on my situation as well, there are so many aspects to look at right now it is indeed bewildering at times.

 

I have got to regulate myself first and if she wishes to do the same then its all on her. I have already done everything I can, from this point she needs to make her choice.

 

I have given the woman everything I had since the beginning and shes just put up a wall. I am not sure yet but I think I just may tell her to go ahead and get out until she figures out what she wants.

 

If she cares about this guy more than me and lets him reel her back into this all again then I know what choice she wants to make.

 

I am also going to go to her parents house tonight, I am going to talk to her mother and tell her that the girl needs more support from her family than she ever has in her life. She has mentioned a couple times now, that she wishes she could just drop everything and take her car and the money in the checking account and just leave for a while, she mentioned going to arizona to be with her sister. I think shes living in a world of shame and confusion.

 

And this message is for her sister if she got my email, B. I know that you want to help your sister through things. Shes scared, emotional and needs counselling, I am trying to work the counsel in now but I need that support from you. I know that she doesnt want you talking to me but we need to work together because she does need our help and I am still wanting to be a part of your family. If she decides she does not want me to be then theres nothing I can do, but for her sake we need to help her to be whole inside or shes going to get worse emotionally.

[GQstatus]

I'm gonna share something with you, that is the REASON I'm stuck here back in the Midwest when I should be out in Cali like I was a couple months ago.

 

My step(ex) sister in law, was filming a movie from Oct-Dec. She asked that I come help out with production, be on set, and help out with her son (whose been like a little brother to me the past 6 years). This is my moms bf's family, who has been like family to me the past 7 years. I lived at their home starting in Oct. Me and my step bro, get along great. He works his butt off for what he has (the finer things in life), and she has been a "stay at home mom". She's always had dreams of working in the movie industry, and I commend her for following through with that.

 

The first week I was there, I pretty much busted her cheating with one of the actors. Although she didn't see me directly, from that night on she had a suspision that I knew what was going on. I kept my mouth shut, and lived with a gigantic knot in my stomache for a week. My step bro would come home from work, and I couldn't even look him in the eye. I felt horribly guilty, and finally called my mother and told her what was going on.

 

She told me to stay out of it, which I planned on anyway. So I went on for another month, working side by side with her, and this actor, feeling like a complete fool. This actor guy noticed I was no longer friendly to him, and it became quite obvious to the both of them I knew what was up. She would try to talk to me at night, and justify her marriage, without openly just asking me flat out if I knew what was going on. She'd sit and try to down talk my step bro, craving some type of sympathy. I saw right through it, confronted her, and told her I didn't want to know about their marital problems.

 

The end of the movie came, in which weeks before she had asked me if I would stick around through the end of Feb to help out with post production. I was being paid well, and had another job lined up afterwards, so I agreed. Well by the end of the movie, majority of the crew knew what was going on, and it wasn't long before it got back to her. The crew happened to know long before I did, and here I thought I was the only one that knew.

 

Guess who she came to when her world came crashing down around her? Me. I was house sitting while she was off on a vacation after the movie, she called me and BLEW UP. Saying how she couldn't believe I would betray her like that, what did I knew, who else knew, she wanted names bla bla bla. I quickly told her "I didn't betray you, I never once opened my mouth, this is not MY problem, it is yours" and hung up.

 

My step bro returned a couple days later. She stayed on vacation for another week. We talked. I apologized to him for not saying anything. He told me he's glad I didn't, and he already knew something was going on. She returned home, we talked, she kept prying for names of people that knew, I told her what I had heard on set, and what I saw with my own eyes, but that I was not going to give her any names of anyone. She tried her best to convince me, and my step bro that "They were just friends", but I'm not fool, and neither is he.

 

I came back to my homestate over the holidays. She dropped me off at the airport and asked if I was returning. I agreed to come back, and in the process find my own place before the end of Feb.

 

She waited until the day BEFORE I was to return, to call my mother, not me..and tell her she was kicking me out the next day. While all my stuff, and my car were in front of her house. She had this planned since the day I left, and did it to try and "get back at me" like it was MY fault the cat got out of the bag. I pretty much laughed at her weak attempt to make my life harder, sold my car from 2,000 miles away, and now I'll be returning there nice and close to her in a month.

 

I never thought my step bro would want to divorce her. He's very quite, somewhat shy, and she's gorgeous. She's one of those "trophy wifes" if you wanna call it that. And he said in the beginning he wanted to "work things out". She acted like she needed time to figure things out, and in the meantime he bought a condo. And while she was away on another little vacation, he moved all his stuff into his condo, and told her he wanted a divorce.

 

Now guess whose chasing after him?

 

You can NOT let this woman get sympathy from you. She slept with another man, and wants to cry on your shoulder? I wish you the best man, but believe that if you take her back just like that, it will happen again, and again. She needs TIME, and you more than her need time, to figure out just why she did this.

 

You taking her back just like that, only shows her that you're a complete push over, and she can do what she wants, and get away with it. You're not going anywhere in her eyes. If you really want this woman to prove that she loves you, if you want to prove to YOURSELF that she loves you, and wants to be with you....do her a favor and give her space. Meaning, tell her YOU are not ready, and need time away to figure out what YOU want.

[Rabican]

I guess at this point I dont feel the same as you do yet. She was a totally different person than she had every other time we had an argument about this.

 

In our situation its not extremely easy for her to get a new job right now so I have to give her a little working room, although I realize I cant give her too much right now.

 

She did tell me that it wasnt exactly over yet, she only called him and talked to him for a moment. She said he wouldnt accept just that short talk about it and would want a better explanation.

 

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.

 

Grow a spine dude.... this isnt a hard one to deal with.

 

You pick up the phone, and hand it to her. Tell her to call the guy and tell him that everything they ever had, and will ever have is over. Tell him not to call her, or email her ever again. She can quit her job, or get transfered to another department. If you cant afford that, sell one of your cars, sell some jewelry, take out a loan... do something but tell her that if she wants you to even think about working this out then that guy has got to be 4000000% gone from her life starting right this very second. NO more talks, no more explainations.... just gone. Ended. No more. End of story.

 

If she cannot comply with this, Id tell her not to let the door hit her in the butt.

[Gus Almighty]

Grow a spine dude.... this isnt a hard one to deal with.

 

You pick up the phone, and hand it to her. Tell her to call the guy and tell him that everything they ever had, and will ever have is over. Tell him not to call her, or email her ever again. She can quit her job, or get transfered to another department. If you cant afford that, sell one of your cars, sell some jewelry, take out a loan... do something but tell her that if she wants you to even think about working this out then that guy has got to be 4000000% gone from her life starting right this very second. NO more talks, no more explainations.... just gone. Ended. No more. End of story.

 

If she cannot comply with this, Id tell her not to let the door hit her in the butt.

 

Its pretty much too late for that. She wants both worlds and is enjoying doing it, she knows it hurts me but she cannot help herself.

 

I am pretty well numb now to the whole situation. I never quite understood what she meant by feeling trapped in her life since marriage but I do know now. Before I was with her she was a mess emotionally, slept with quite a few people and was enjoying it. I came along and took her in like she did to me with my problems.

 

We formed a bond that way early.

 

What she misses in freedom is being able to do what she wants when she pleases without a conscience and theres nothing I can do about it. She wants that exciting sex life and the feeling of being that person that she stopped being when she was with me. I guess I cant blame her, thats what she wants so it will just have to be.

 

Some day she will maybe realize what she had in me but I guess I cant count on it. Either way, it was the way it was always going to end.

 

Either that or I become a swinger myself and stay together for the family.

 

I just want to say yeah I am giving up a bit, trying to sit back and laugh at the situation. In a way it kind of helped me to kill a part of me that was bad for myself, its weird how things kinda pan out sometimes.

 

I thought my confidence has been destroyed by this but it only has made me open my eyes. I am not going to be a scared, timid man anymore.

[Rabican]

Its pretty much too late for that. She wants both worlds and is enjoying doing it, she knows it hurts me but she cannot help herself.

 

Of course she can help it bro, she could stop in a second of she wanted to. You need to stop making excuses for her and face the music. Shes doing this to you, because she can, because you let her, and because she doesnt respect you. Disagree with any of that, I dare you.

 

You know how I would handle this if my girl cheated on me, and wouldnt drop the other guy. Id say fine, have it your way. Id take her cats to the shelter and drop them off. Id take all of her clothes, property etc. and toss them out the window, then tell her to get out of my life. Then id probably pay a visit to the other guy to top it off.

 

But you, on the other hand sit there and rationalize, reason, excuse, her behavior... so she has no reason to drop the other guy. Tell her its either your way or the highway, its never too late for that. The worst that happens is she leaves... which is probably in your best interest anyways.

 

Putting up with this behavior which is hurtful to you only reinforces the idea to her that she can do it, and that in a way, its actually OK.

 

Let me give you an example...

 

You have a dog that begs for food from the dinner table. You say NO BEGGING! But instead of backing that up with a little smack, or making her leave or stop... what do you do? You give her a piece of chicken. So the next time.... shes going to beg. You say no... but you dont reinforce the 'no'. So the cycle continues. You are reinforcing bad behavior with a positive. By letting your wife stay with you, run you through the ringer and make you feel like crap.... while not making her choose you or him... you are allowing her to have both worlds. Make her pick one, right now. She made her bed, now she can lie in it.

[Gus Almighty]

I know what your saying Rab I really do. Shes grown numb to me and doesnt care one bit about how I feel anymore.

 

She is doing the I gotta do whats best for me thing, so that justifies her having sex in my bed only a room next to my sleeping son on a saturday night whether she wants to deny it or not, it was all pretty clear on the recording that I had.

 

Shes now begun this thing where she is locking up her cell phone and locking her purse in her car. She did it a couple nights ago, and now she did it again tonight.

 

I dont know if shes trying to bait me into something or what, I gotta be careful because I think this woman is on total crazy mode.

 

I think she may be trying to bait me into doing something to her to hurt her and I wont play that game.

 

I think tomorrow I am just going to do what I dread, I am going to go tell her father. She asked for it not me, she told her mother a lie about the situation and what I had actually done I am so sure of it.

 

No mother would put me in the wrong if her daughter told her that I caught her cheating on me with another man by recording her phone conversations.......weeks and weeks and weeks after things started being suspicious. Theres absolutely no way.

 

Her mom said "You got alotta nerve calling here, your not going to get any sympathy from me after what you did to her." Freaking insane.

 

I am either going to need a couple beers or a shrink by the time its through.

[Siriana]

Don't go telling her parents Gus. Why making more problems and fights?

I think in the long run it woan't do you any favours.

Take care of yourself - who cares what her parents think. You have a proof. Keep it on a safe place.

And please don't try to help her - focus on yourself.

[Gus Almighty]

Don't go telling her parents Gus. Why making more problems and fights?

I think in the long run it woan't do you any favours.

Take care of yourself - who cares what her parents think. You have a proof. Keep it on a safe place.

And please don't try to help her - focus on yourself.

 

I think shes been manipulating me throughout this, I no longer really have any faith in working on things because she is refusing......backing out by saying shes not sure what she wants and needs space.

 

The reason I want to tell her parents is to ensure that they know the actual truth and not some story she may have made up. The concept of what her mother said to me is insane and is no way possibly how she would react to such a situation.

 

I cannot work with her anymore, shes impossible to me now.

 

And yes I am done messing with her emotions, I am now taking care of myself for the first time throughout this.

 

I have tried my best to be strong, and to be strong for the family but she isnt willing and either isnt sure enough that she wants to try or has been plotting on how to get rid of me so she can spend any time she wants with this guy.

 

At this point I am about 90% sure that its number 2 and she has treacherous intentions.

 

Any woman that could laugh at a man telling stories about how he lied to her husband about having sex with her in her bed after all the time I have spent crying and talking to her open heartedly is just plain sick.

 

I had this happen pretty similarly to 2 of my friends already. I even told her I had a fear of this happening because of that. I have been played for such a fool here.

 

I cant wait until it all comes back to haunt her.

[blender]

Gus, again, may I suggest that you do seek some therapy for yourself, you are putting so much energy towards trying to "teach her" that is NOT your responsibility, that is HER own emotional journey to go on.. and for now the most important priorities are you and your son. Set a standard and value for your OWN life, and make an active choice to live within those standards and values, and then and ONLY then will your wife have the "opportunity" to choose to join you within those established standards and values. Right?

 

But if you keep trying to "fix and teach her" and stick around, and not make an active choice to improve your own life, and that of your son 'REGARDLESS" of what your wife chooses to do, well, she will never really have the opportunity to change, and grow.

 

If you don't change your own pattern in all this, and grow yourself, then why would she ever need to in order to be in your life?

 

You are adults with your own individuals lives, who share the joy and responsiblity of a precious child together. Your son is the priority here, and it's better to take some time to establish living arrangements for yourself and your son, and ask your wife to "get her life together" and then you will sit down with her and discuss working on the marriage, but not before she makes the clear intentional choice to "want to work on it as an exclusive loyal couple".

 

I know you don't want to split up the marriage on account of your son, but try to remember as they say: "a child would rather come from a broken home then to live in one".

 

And right now your wife is clearly not ready to intentionally committ to working on your marriage in a respectful, loyal and sincerely mature way. So it might be best for you to get busy planning for yourself and your son in a safe and healthy way, so you can set an example for him of an indepedent, loving, loyal, self respecting man who would put his child before the petty power struggle that you and your wife are going through over some "stranger" in her life..ugh.. it's time to set priorities, and let her go through all this "drama" with her famliy on her own..

 

Take yourself out of the "unhealthy emotional pattern/habit" as soon as you can, that is the MOST powerful and healing thing for you to do. Take care of yourself and your son. Your wife is an adult who has, and will make her own choices.

[Gus Almighty]

Also by talking to her parents and ensuring that they know the truth I hope to accomplish that if she may be willing to work on it that they keep an eye on her for their own reasons.

 

I am hoping they can aid in protecting my son as well, I am very fearful for what this woman might do in an excited state.

 

I doubt they will like the idea of a possibility that she was having sex with him in their house. I found a piece of paper in her backseat with directions to their house........I can think of no other reason that something like that would be there.

[Gus Almighty]

Thanks Blender, your turning into a real buddy in my world. I know I gotta take care of myself now, I know that for a fact. The numbing like I said is beginning to take affect and this enables me to think without my heart which is what i need to do. kinda sorta anyway.

 

I am going to send her away from here this weekend I think, theres no other way. She can get the H**L out not me, I didnt risk the marriage by doing that because I wasnt happy all the time or whatever excuse she gave at the time.

[blender]

Just let her know in a calm firm way that YOU need some time, no need to be angry or argue right now, just set some standards and values which YOU choose to live within.. and when and if she gets her head and heart focused in sharing those standards and values, she may join you in trying to work on a future together, but not until she is willing to make a consistent clear intentional effort to be exclusively invovled with you.

 

Once you are in "acceptance" of the fact that the only thing you have any control over is how YOU live YOUR life, then your healing will begin and any potential for a healthy reconcilation for your marriage is possible.. but this will not work if you do not take the time to focus on yourself and set some emotionally respectful boundaries for your own life, and that of your son.

 

The real "hope" for future happiness is within YOU, in your own choices to live within a healthy realistic mature honest and value driven standard. It's tough for you to have "a healthy perspective" right now, but try to focus on "facts" not "feelings".. and then you will be able to see things clearly as they actually "are right now" and not what you "hope" they might be.. that hope is only possible if you get your own values in order and stand by them with self respect and incorporating some new healthy boundaries as far as contact with her for today.

 

And you can loving say to her that for right now you will only speak to her in the presense of a therapist because you feel it's too emotionally difficult for the two of you to break the unhealthy pattern you are both so deeply enscounced in.. and the only part of the pattern you have control over is YOUR part in it.. if you do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, well then you'll keep getting the same emotionally painful lesson over and over again, until you CHOOSE to go about this differently, in a more self respecting, clearly value driven way..with love and without trying to hang on to her, but instead to "let go and let god" and then to take care of yourself and your son.. the rest of HER part is up to her.

[Gus Almighty]

What craziness now.

 

She called at 7:30 and woke me up. Told me that she was going out with her friend Carrie tonight, said she had talked to her last night....which yes I saw she had called on the caller id but its still curious as this carrie is the same carrie that used to park her truck in front of our apartment when she was going out and having sex with another guy from her job when she worked there.

 

She said I could watch my son if I wanted but she said that her mom said she would. I probably did the wrong thing but I told her to go ahead and have her mom watch him. Not sure why I did that yet.

 

She then said she wanted to do something with me on Saturday night. Which I was half asleep and somewhat agreed to.

 

I dont know if she is playing a game with me now, trying to get me to follow her or if she is trying to see if I can trust her again and testing me that way.

[GQstatus]

I don't really disagree with him making sure her parents know the TRUTH. She is obviously very manipulative, and these are their childs grandparents. If she's making him out to look like that bad person to them, I'd most certainly make sure the truth is told.

[Gus Almighty]

I don't really disagree with him making sure her parents know the TRUTH. She is obviously very manipulative, and these are their childs grandparents. If she's making him out to look like that bad person to them, I'd most certainly make sure the truth is told.

 

Yeah that was some of the reason I was thinking that I might talk to them tonight.

[Gus Almighty]

God I have to learn how to be strong, I just want this to be over. I thought I was ok last night but now I feel like I am dying now.

 

Havent eaten in 4 days, I am a walking zombie and she did this to me.

[Gus Almighty]

I think I am falling down.

 

image removed

[ImThatGirl]

Mr. Gus! Listen Up!

 

Eat some darned food! And now! Get some sleep any way you can. You need rest and you need nutrition for you to be as balanced as possible in this situation.

 

Can't touch on everything you've posted but have a few points to make.

 

1. Why you said her mother could keep your son tonight. Because you are emotionally and probably physically exhausted. This week has been traumatizing for you to say the least.

 

2. Related to all of the above. You do have to work on yourself. Not allowing her "moods" to affect your well being. You have a little guy that needs you! Continously work on building your strength and getting through this successfully. Once you have your strength built, you will definitely need to take advantage of the time she offers with your son. This will be key if you ever determine that it would be in your son's best interest to have you as the primary custodial parent if this ends up in divorce.

 

3. Many of the things you mention about her. The need for excitement, impulsive sex life, picking up and leaving (running to her sisters,) her moods, etc. etc. etc. These things lead me to consider that she may have some type of pychological disorder like "bipolar disorder" or something. She is certainly not emotionally stable and fights gaining stability because it doesn't satisfy her. She needs more more more - excitement and room to make impulsive decisions without being judged or consequences. And at this point doesn't even care about the consequences. Anyhow, check out some of those disorders.

 

4. I understand why you want to speak with her parents. If she made you promise not to talk with her father, it sounds like his judgement of her is important to her. By talking to them, she can't run away from her inability to be stable or attempts to be stable. She will have someone else to watch over her and attempt to lead her in the right direction. Which is one of the last things she wants right now because she has this "need" to run wild.

 

I'm sure there's plenty I missed! Oh yeah - wanted to say congrats on seeing this from out of the box, a different perception than you may have been able to see without insight from others that are not emotionally attached. I know it's hard to let go of hope. But sometimes being realistic and handling business is much safer and healthy. You will have days that you feel confident and determined and you will have days that you fall back and grieve for what you are losing / have lost. Actually, it could change from hour to hour. This is traumatic! For all involved! Be strong and please do continuously check in here whenever you need a helping hand or support!

[Gus Almighty]

The other night when she took off angry I kind of came to terms at that point. I sat with my 9 month old son and cried a little. I started talking to him about the things we were going to do when he got older. I told him that his mother had problems and that I was trying to take care of her for both of us. I told him I didnt know what was going to happen to her but he always had me.

 

God I am crying so hard rightnow.

 

Yeah I will look into the bipolar disorder, it does make sense.

[ImThatGirl]

I wish you weren't feeling the pain that you are experiencing right now. But, Gus, make sure you give yourself some healing time! You need to grieve to get through this. This is a stepping stone for you.

 

I promise you! That the quicker you deal with this, the quicker you will get to feeling better about yourself and your life!

 

And aawwww little 9 month old! I love that age! Even more reason to deal with this, nip it in the butt, and move on with your life rather than dragging it out and not being emotionally strong enough to be the parent you want to be!