I found out the only way that I could

[Gus Almighty]

Keep posting man. I'm rooting for ya, and checking in almost everyday. You seem to be doing better, and getting stronger each day, keep it up.

 

Have you looked into starting your own little private journal here? Check the main page for the section on it.

 

I saw something like that but I wasnt sure what to make of it. I want to still keep in contact with those of you who have been aiding me from time to time.

[Locke2121]

You can journal in the public area, people can reply to those.

[Gus Almighty]

You can journal in the public area, people can reply to those.

 

I will think about it, its just so nice because everything I started with is already right here in this thread.

[Gus Almighty]

Today I found the movie falling down that is shown in my avatar. Its a kickarse movie for those of you who have not yet seen it and I highly recommend it.

 

Its about a man who spent his whole life getting stepped on in one way or another and one day he just snaps and becomes something different.

[Gus Almighty]

I have really been wondering about what to do. Right now she is telling me shes not sure what she wants and shes not sure if she wants to try to rebuild the marriage.

 

Since then I have been coming home most every night, often sleeping in the same bed and sitting together watching tv, talking to her, etc.

 

Once in a while we get kinda flirty back and forth, she might pinch my butt or playfully throw something at my crotch etc.

 

occasionally she wants to give me a kiss or whatnot, but if I push for that she kind of gets defensive. She wants to do things when she actually feels them and not until.

 

She does not yet want to talk much about the situation, she just wants to relax and be able to think for herself....whether or not this is acceptable given the circumstances I am not yet sure.

 

With these things in mind, what would someone do in my situation? Get out, live it like it is till she decides what she wants or push her to make the decision as soon as possible? Or what else might I do if you have a suggestion.

 

The biggest thing to keep in mind is that we have a young son together and its difficult for me to just leave until she decides. Its hard to talk about this in front of him because I think it turns to some form of yelling or loud voice alot with I think is having an affect on him by his actions.

 

I have sometimes recommended taking him to one of our parents houses for a while so we can talk but she doesnt want to do that, probably because she doesnt want to deal with things yet.

 

Just kinda want some feedback on this with people that may have had a similar situation in the past.

[Locke2121]

Just keep living your life for yourself! If she wants some lovin' let HER come to YOU! I don't think you want to sleep around, you don't seem the type. But she needs to know that your not going to take any crap and sooner or later, all her teasing has to stop.

 

Cause thats what she is doing Gus, teasing you. She is trying to feel in control, when YOU do it, she is loosing control and stops the situation. Try edging away from her a bit when she gets flirty. Show her that your tougher than you've been, that your not going to fall for a touch of the lips or a flash of leg. This will only reinforce the image that your building, that of a strong and oh so confident man...a far cry from the dude you started out to be.

 

Hand tough dude...your actually starting to make an impression on her.

[blender]

Gus, since you asked for feedback, I posted this again,, hope it's helpful, but of course it's up to you on how helpful it can potentially be:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gus Almighty

The hardest thing to deal with in this woman is that when things get rough she sometimes wants to quit, or she will put a wall up to keep pain out.

 

This is alot of the reason she wasnt more emotional when I was, its weird and awkward but she comes around eventually after she feels its safe to drop the defense.END QUOTE

 

 

 

So Gus, in reality, you realize that the first paragraph of your "quoted post" above would directly be repeated after the second paragraph, correct?

 

Meaning, "her pattern" is:

 

She puts up a wall, but then eventualyl drops the defense, and then she will put the wall back up again because she doesn't want to feel pain (which is how we grow), then she comes around again, then she will put the wall up again..ugh.. what part of this do you not know is an endless cycle? It's you, you're allowing yourself to support her unhealthy patterns by STAYING INVOVLED..

 

why not allow her the precious opportunity to FEEL HER OWN PAIN..and let her grow through it, process it on her own by YOU letting go with love. and make a choice of getting out of the way, and know that it's up to her to deal with her issues?

 

because the only way you can lovingly try to help SOMEONE ELSE is to help YOURSELF, and let go of YOUR part in supporting her above described pattern...

 

You have this experience, and knowledge, and the only thing you can do about it, is to set your own standards/values and let her know what they are, so maybe, just maybe she might actually think seriously about what is of "VALUE" so she can make a CHOICE to seek some professional help to alleviate her "patterns"..

 

If you continue to do the same approach over and over again, of stating what you want, but then giving in, and being there on her "good days' and then allowing yourself to just be in the background on her bad days, all the while never really LIVING within your own standards..but instead just being addicted to the unhealthy pattern you both engage in..well then why would she feel any need or urgency to changer her part in the pattern?

 

It's impossible to "talk someone into" understanding you, you have to "show" them who you are by your choices.. and vice versa.

 

Using guilt, critisism, convincing, teaching, arguing, snooping as a way to "control or fix" someone else does NOT work. Thos are all a part of your unhealthy pattern in all this..don't you think? Words, talks, all that stuff isn't going to change...

 

Actions speak louder than words, so you can stick around and continue to let her know when she is behaving well, and then reprimand her when she is not, OR you can take a healthier, more healing approach and STOP your side of this pattern, and express your values to her, let her know that when and if she is willing to "get therapy together and actively make choices to incorporate healthy, stable patterns into her own life" THEN you are willing to spend time with her..but until then you are going to go live you life, take care of your son, get a legal seperation, and allow yourself to let go, and also give her the opportunity to observe how seriously you are about getting your own life together... that would be more of an inspiration for her to do the same.. especially for the sake of your son.

 

I hope you will consider doing this all differently.. you can make a change in YOUR life...this is NOT about waiting for HER to do anything, this is about you being emotionally responsible for yourself and for your son, by setting some standards, boundaries and sticking to them, REGARDLESS of if she flirts, or if she yells, or if she does whatever...where are YOU in all this? Who are YOU in all this? That is the most healing place to start...with you. best, blender

[Gus Almighty]

Thank You Locke I appreciate your being here time after time for me. Tonight she actually had the nerve to ask me if I would cook her dinner and I simply said no. A few minutes later I got down on the floor and did some exercises while she watched tv.

 

I had a real good time with that.

[Gus Almighty]

Thank You too Blender, you've been most helpful with your comments for me. My hard part is that I am not ready to legally separate due to the fact that we have a house, are behind on bills and we have our son that I just cannot abandon.

 

Giving the things mentioned in your mind, what would be my best option? Either way right now if I pull away completely I would still have to give her all my money or the house is gone.

 

Would you suggest that I cut her off financially and just move to my mothers to put the hard press on her?

[blender]

Well, yes it's all very complicated when finances and a house are involved, but I guess the most important thing to do right now is to change your "approach".. and even though you may be living in the same house right now, you can make some plans.. just one step at a time, not by "asking her" but instead by "telling YOURSELF' that you have to accept that right now she has absolutely no motivation to change her pattern... so the only thing you have the power to do is to change YOUR part in her pattern.

 

So start with small steps, but be consistent. Try not to engage in a verbal pattern with her, instead just keep quiet, don't add any fuel to her fire, or to your own, just be the best father you can be to your son, and set some standards for yourself and live within them. By this I mean, try not to seek her approval, or her understanding, or trying to convince her to be this way or that way, or that she needs to give you an answer, instead just SEE what she is doing as YOUR answer.. and it's clear that she is not ready or willing to committ to making a serious, clear, loving, mature, loyal effort towards this marriage.

 

So that is your answer for today. She's NOT ready or willing to make a clear effort to committ to making things better for YOU..within this marriage.

 

You are both giving into the same person, and you are both in love with the same person. HER. Where are you in all this? So start there, start with saying exactly what it is you need in order to even "talk to her" about anything other than the daily effort to provide and love your son.

 

Let her know that until she is willing to make a clear committed effort to work exclusively on the relationship with you, then you really have nothing to discuss..but if and when she is willing to do so, then you will tak to her about it. PERIOD.

 

During this time you start making a plan of how you would legally separate, how you would handle the finances, where you would live, and what would be best for your son. Remember a child would rather come from a broken home than live in one. A child knows and can sense when there is NO mutual love, respect between his parents, and is unfair to allow him to live in this environment. He is the priority, more important than anything..

 

So maybe you speak to a lawyer or go on a divorce/seperation web site and find some answers on how you can ask stay in your own house and keep your son there too, and maybe ask your wife to find another place to live until she is ready to committ to making an exclusive effort to mend the marriage.

 

Be careful not to fall into the trap of an "eye for an eye".. for instance, dont' think: "I will date someone else, or cheat if she keeps doing so".. YUK.. that will not solve anything, it's just a way of lowering your own sense of self to her less than stellar approach to fidelity, loyalty, self respect. Instead, speak YOUR truth, be consistent, and do NOT keep allowing yourself to be at the mercy of her ever changing moods, and conditions.. doing so will only encourage her to leave things in limbo indefintely...

 

I hope you can find the strength to seek the answers inside yourself, instead of going to her for "her" answers... she really doesn't seem to have any even for her own standards.. so be careful of going to a dry well for water over and over again, only to leave more thirsty and frustrated ... take care of you, take care of your son.

 

And allow your wife the chance to be emotionally responsible for herself.. and this usually means being "quiet" in her presense, so she can hear only herself.. this is one of the most powerful things to do.. when you are with her, just be kind, quiet, silent, and if she says "talk to me" then you repeat over and over again "I will be happy to talk to you when you are ready to tell me that you are going to make an exclusive effort to be loyal and committed to this marriage."

[Gus Almighty]

I have been doing pretty much what you have mentioned by being quiet around her, sort of giving her the cold shoulder. And other than giving in to her at brief moments its not been anything big. I started sleeping on the couch even though she has asked me a couple times why I did, I just said I wanted to sleep there.

 

I will take it one step further and give in even less, eventually over the next couple days I will tell her as you have suggested and see how it goes with her.

 

And of course report back.

[blender]

Gus, it's not about "giving her the cold shoulder" or playing any power struggle games of "being silent" it's about clearly telling her "WHY" you are choosing to be quiet, and that you are ONLY willing to discuss things IF and WHEN she is ready to make an effort to committ to working on the marriage in an honest, loyal, loving and respectful way. This is not about a "power struggle" it's more about you surrendering to the "truth", and expressing YOUR truth.

 

State your standards and values for what a marriage means to you, and ask her if she wants to "share" these same qualities and make an effort to exclusively committ to the marriage, no lies, no affairs, no games, no yelling, just respectful honest communication. And that can only start if you are willing to be honest with yourself, and let her know what you value in a marriage, and if she does NOT want to make an effort to share those same values then you have to make some plans to separate, and to get busy living your own life and to emotionally nurture and protect yourself and your son.

 

If you do not find the courage to be clear about where YOU stand andd what YOU value and then choose to live within those values, well then why would anything change?

 

See, it's not about "asking her" what she wants at any given moment, it's about being clear on what YOU value and respectfully want in YOUR future, and to honestly tell her this, and then move on if she can not make up her mind as to what she wants to do.. at least YOU can make up YOUR mind, and know that you have a priority here to set a loving example for your son, of a father who has standards, values, and will love his mother enough to allow her to have an opportunity to grow.. and make an effort to be the kind of wife and mother you both deserve. But trust that she has no need to doing any growing right now, because no one who loves her is being honest enough and strong enough to live in thier own mature, indepedent state of values, courage, standards and respectful love.

 

This situation of "cold shoulder" or "you did this, now I'll do that".. or "tonight we can be all nice but who knows what rollercoaster we'll be on tomorrow".. well that's so unfair for your son.. and believe me, no matter how young he is, he is absorbing all of the tension, disrespect, and bitterness that is filling the home.. and he will start to think that is HIS identity.. and start to not value himself.. ugh.. don't allow this to go on for too much longer.

 

Have courage, independence, respect, and clearly state what your values are and live within them, even if that means you have to leave an unhealthy marriage so that by example you will demonstrate that this "rollercoaster" is not something you're willing to ride on any longer.

 

I hope you will find the gift of clarity as to YOUR part in all this.. and how you can actually choose a different healthier way to approach this situation. Seek some quidance from a church, a therapist, a local group, anyplace where you can get some help.. even an al-anon meeting would be helpful to sit through...there are everywhere, in any town, they are free, and you can just sit in the back and listen to people who finally realized they were powerless over someone they loved, and could only heal themselves by setting their own standards... you can do this.. seek some help for the sake of your own future, and that of your precious son.

 

And if YOU change your part in this pattern and choose to grow past this terrible bad habit the relationship has become THEN your wife might actually be inspired to join you...the healing and progress starts inside of you for you.... that's where the "answer" comes from..

[Gus Almighty]

Yes Blender I do understand what you are saying to me. Last night was just the beginning, I am going to make her wonder until today or tomorrow whats on my mind and then I will tell her as you have suggested.

 

I wanted to give her a different presense of myself over a couple days to make sure she doesnt think I am saying this because I have been told so.......rather that it is genuinely how I feel about the situation because I have that understanding. I want her to see my stance in a different light before I go running to her to tell her those things.

 

I am working on it, I promise you.

[blender]

well, you do whatever you feel is best for you, I'm just here like everyone else offering my two cents.. I wish you the very best, blender

[Locke2121]

Read my post in your other thread Gus.

[Hardrock]

Gus, oh man. I would suggest you go over to link removed and post over there. They will help you understand her behavior, and help you to stop being an unrespected doormat.

 

Don't believe anything she says at this point, so stop trying to rationalize her.

 

You need a plan, if you want to stay married:

 

You're going to have to man up on this, and change your perspective on a few things.

 

You will have to tell everyone you know that might have an influence with her the truth about what you know. Ask them for help in saving your marriage. Don't come accross as revengeful, but enlist their aid. Do this all at once, not spread out over days. You may also have to send a letter to their HR dept. She will be enraged, threaten divorce, blah blah. Let her file. You are pro marriage, anti affair.

 

She will have to go no contact with him, and also quit working there. The affair won't end until she does. You will have to enforce this.

 

Don't ever move out of the house, and return to your bed. It's your house, and your bed.

 

You say these things are easier said than done, well they are. You also need leverage. What if she refuses to stop seeing him, what if she refuses to change jobs, what if she does file, man, these things are out of your control. If she refuses any of these, then she needs to move out. You can file for divorce, split assets, etc.

 

It WOULD BE BETTER to be divorced and get as much custody as possible, than to belittle yourself, have no pride, have no esteem, have no life, have no trust, and live a bitter existence and let your child see the whole process.

 

You've come a long ways in this, but you're just at the tip of the iceberg. Good Luck.

[Gus Almighty]

Thank You very much for the support, I am on my way to doing what you suggest now.

 

Her whole family knew with the exception of her father which I called directly at work and told him.

 

His wife told him to stay out of it because it is our problem not theirs.

 

She doesnt want to budge on anything so I have to do it all my way and see what happens....and what happens is all for the best. Whether its what I want or not, thats the truth.

[Gus Almighty]

Also, I believe she has told a very different version of the story. Shes told her family for years that I do nothing and she does it all I do believe.

 

I think thats why when I called her parents house the one night her mom told me that I had alotta nerve calling there, I wont get any pity from her after what I did to my wife.

 

There is no level I can think of that explains why her mom would say that unless she was told something out of the ordinary about this whole thing.

[Hardrock]

She has told her parents and anyone that will listen what a terrible human being you are. It's called revisionist history. She is emotionally involved with this lowlife, and she needs to make you look as bad as possible to lessen her guilt of cheating on you. Very rarely will her parents see through the smoke and realize that she is a cheat and a liar.

 

You probably were not the perfect husband, but did you deserve this? Why couldn't she just state her objections with you or file for divorce if she were so unhappy. She almost sounds like a walk away wife syndrome, and it would probably be a good thing for you to read up on it. I'll try to find a link.

 

I'd highly suggest going over to marriagebuilders if you want to recover your marriage. Your situation is a prime candidate for their plan A/ plan B method. They will really help you form a plan and help you work on yourself independent of her behaviours.

[CallingAllAngels]

Thank You very much for the support, I am on my way to doing what you suggest now.

 

Her whole family knew with the exception of her father which I called directly at work and told him.

 

His wife told him to stay out of it because it is our problem not theirs.

 

She doesnt want to budge on anything so I have to do it all my way and see what happens....and what happens is all for the best. Whether its what I want or not, thats the truth.

 

 

Hey Gus....

 

I am SO SORRY for all that you are going through. I do not know how you are able to stay with her...I HAD to leave my husband after I found out about his affair because it was killing me to stay.

 

Just wanted to send good wishes your way...

 

~Allie

[Gus Almighty]

Hey Gus....

 

I am SO SORRY for all that you are going through. I do not know how you are able to stay with her...I HAD to leave my husband after I found out about his affair because it was killing me to stay.

 

Just wanted to send good wishes your way...

 

~Allie

 

Thank You Allie, I am trying my best to be a survivor and not a victim without giving my soul to her. She is a good woman deep down, and I think she knows whats going on is wrong but she has to come out of her funk/depression/withdrawal before we can heal.

[ghost1150]

Hey Brother:

 

Rip the band-aid off now, it will hurt less. Dump her.