I found out the only way that I could

[bigheart09]

I have been emailing her this morning. I told her I hoped she was ok.

 

she responded by saying she is never alright and that she is not sure what she wants.

 

I responded and told her that we can make things work if she is willing to work with me. I told her again that I loved her and I wanted to help her to feel better and I wanted her to help me feel that way but it was going to take work.

 

I told her I would much rather be with her than separated and have to share our son. I told her we could have good times again.

 

I am trying to reasure her that we can get through this as sensitively as I can.

 

She hasnt responded yet to that.

 

Can someone give me your thoughts on this?

 

I am not trying to be rude here, but why would you ask HER if she is OK? What about YOU??

[ImThatGirl]

I have been emailing her this morning. I told her I hoped she was ok.

 

she responded by saying she is never alright and that she is not sure what she wants.

 

I responded and told her that we can make things work if she is willing to work with me. I told her again that I loved her and I wanted to help her to feel better and I wanted her to help me feel that way but it was going to take work.

 

I told her I would much rather be with her than separated and have to share our son. I told her we could have good times again.

 

I am trying to reasure her that we can get through this as sensitively as I can.

 

She hasnt responded yet to that.

 

Can someone give me your thoughts on this?

 

I applaud you at making it clear that you want it to work and that you love her so much that you can look past this.

 

But you HAVE to make it clear that you will not be walked on by her.

 

Gus Almighty - She is not a little girl having an emotional breakdown because she can't decide which flavor of gum she wants. (Although she's acting like it.) She is an adult wife and mother. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and emotions.

 

I worry that your lack of being direct and assertive in this matter just enables her to continue along the track she's been on for some time. We teach people what is acceptable boundaries. Yes, you are saying she needs to stop this relationship. And she says "okay I'll talk to him." But she also so it's very difficult because of her feelings for him. Time for her to make up her mind. She has a husband and son at home and there is no room for infidelity or indecisiveness on what she wants.....!

[Gus Almighty]

I am not trying to be rude here, but why would you ask HER if she is OK? What about YOU??

 

She is very emotional at times and it gets the best of her. If I want her to cooperate with me I feel like I need to give her support at the same time.

 

She is trying to do what is right I think, she just needs to work things out in her confused head before she can really open up to me and understand how it hurt me and acknowledge it.

[bigheart09]

She is very emotional at times and it gets the best of her. If I want her to cooperate with me I feel like I need to give her support at the same time.

 

She is trying to do what is right I think, she just needs to work things out in her confused head before she can really open up to me and understand how it hurt me and acknowledge it.

 

Well, you know her best.

How are you feeling? What it is it that YOU want to do? I know you want to work things out, but can you really trust her at this point? Whatever you decide to do, we support you, but please look out for you first and worry about her feelings later.

[Gus Almighty]

Well, you know her best.

How are you feeling? What it is it that YOU want to do? I know you want to work things out, but can you really trust her at this point? Whatever you decide to do, we support you, but please look out for you first and worry about her feelings later.

 

I know that and I appreciate your concerns in me, it feels nice for a change.

 

Through all this sometimes I wonder if she is doing all this on purpose in order to try to get me to give up on her so she can do what she wants. Shes made comments about feeling like she cant do what she wants in the past, makes me wonder if it had any relation to this situation.

 

For clarification, she only made that comment because she feels like I will have her under constant watch from now on.......not because I am possessive and have controlled her in any way, I have never acted funny about her wanting to do things until this all started.

 

I feel I have been more than fair to her other than being there as much as she needed me at times. Shes hard to understand sometimes and when she puts up that wall it makes it all the more hard.

[Gus Almighty]

This songs been running through my head nonstop today.

 

You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around

You used to lean on me

The only other choice was falling down

You used to walk with me like

We had no where we needed to go

Nice and slow

To no place in particular

 

We used to have this figured out

We used to breathe without a doubt

When nights were clear you were the first star that i'd see

We used to have this under control

We never thought we used to know

At least there's you

And at least there's me

Can we get this back?

Can we get this back?

To how it used to be

 

I used to reach for you

I got lost along the way

I used to listen

You always had the just right thing to say

I used to follow you

Never really cared where we would go

Fast or slow

To anywhere at all

 

We used to have this figured out

We used to breathe without a doubt

The nights were clearer for the first time that I'd see

We used to have this under control

[ Lyrics found on link removed ]

 

We never thought we used to know

At least there's you

And at least there's me

Can we get this back?

Can we get this back?

To how it used to be

 

I look around me

And I want you to be there

Cause I miss the things that we shared

Look around you

It's empty and you're sad

Don't you miss the love that we had?

 

You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around

The only one around

 

We used to have this figured out

We used to breathe without a doubt

The nights were clearer for the first time that I'd see

We used to have this under control

We never thought we used to know

At least there's you

And at least there's me

Can we get this back?

Can we get this back?

To how it used to be yeah

To how it used to be

 

To how it used to be yeah

To how it used to be

To how it used to be

[Gus Almighty]

She sent me an email that told me she needed space for a while. She said she wanted to get a part time job so she could afford an apartment and at the same time keep her financial obligations to the house.

 

Yesterday she told me that she told her parents the story so that she could have some place to go if she needed to.

 

I dont understand.

[dcl222]

Being that I was cheated on I must say that it is very difficult to trust that person again but it can be done. It's all about you though; You are going to have to put "all" your heart and energy into this task. I say only if you think she's truly worth it for the sake of you family. Go to the library there are many books that can help, many on cheating, and how to overcome it. "Life after an Affair" "The Power Of a Praying Husband" "Many Lives Many Masters" are acouple that I found helpful. These books helped me on so many different levels, and I hope they will for you as well. If your wife is willing to cut all ties with this person, (new job,O well if she likes her job...she must face the consequences of her actions) and promise to make good with you, it can work out. Good luck! I know it hurts, but sometimes your dealt with things in life to "wake you up" in a sense or "teach you" something in life. Hope this helps.

[Gus Almighty]

I thank you for your words.

[ImThatGirl]

She sent me an email that told me she needed space for a while. She said she wanted to get a part time job so she could afford an apartment and at the same time keep her financial obligations to the house.

 

Yesterday she told me that she told her parents the story so that she could have some place to go if she needed to.

 

I dont understand.

 

This really isn't looking good, Gus. Just keep your chin up and eyes open. Don't let her play you as a fool.

 

Did you tell her that if she gets a part time job that you will take that time with your son?

[Gus Almighty]

This really isn't looking good, Gus. Just keep your chin up and eyes open. Don't let her play you as a fool.

 

Did you tell her that if she gets a part time job that you will take that time with your son?

 

No but I will when we talk tonight in person. I feel as though I am trying for nothing sometimes unfortunately.

[ImThatGirl]

I understand your trying to tend to her emotions and be caring and helpful.

 

But, you don't want to help the enemy!

 

What I mean by this is: If you let your care and compassion run your thoughts through this, you might miss something. Something that may be of value at a later date - possibly with the courts.

 

Soooo - Just keep your eyes open please! Make sure you don't allow her to make arrangements with her parents to care for your son. You need to have as much time as possible with him. This way, if you end up in court, you can offer proof of your time with your son and get a fair share of visitation or more if you want to go that route.

[Beec]

I am trying to reasure her that we can get through this as sensitively as I can.

 

Can someone give me your thoughts on this?

 

Yes, simple, stop being sensitive.

 

Start demanding respect.

 

Start telling her tht her time is running, as is your patience, and that you and her cannot get through this until she steps up to the plate and begins to do that right thing. Until she is ready to do that, just stop being sensitive. She cheats and lies and you need to stand up to her.

 

Gus, you are really being a wussy by being so sensitive to her. You are, and that is as about as attractive to a woman as a lump of crap in the front lawn. You just want to get rid of it.

 

A man has a spine and stands up for himself. He will also stand up for others too, when the time calls for it. You by being sensitive are really renaming yourself Matt and lying prostrate in front of the door for her to wipe he feet on. She's still wiping. Only you know how long it will go on.

[Gus Almighty]

Understood, thank you I will be sure to take this type of an approach after I figure out her intentions.

[Beec]

Understood, thank you I will be sure to take this type of an approach after I figure out her intentions.

 

No, not after you figure out her intentions, now.

 

If you want your wife back, be a man. She won't come back to you if you are being a wuss because as a wuss you will not be attractive to her.

 

Stand up for you, and you might have a chance. Don't demand respect, and you might as well forget it. Without respect, why bother?

[ImThatGirl]

I agree, Gus.

 

If you are being sweet and caring with her, she's most likely thinking "I have the run of the show here. I can do what I want. I can call the shots. I can take this chance and always come back if I want to."

 

As someone else said, you need to lay it out to her. Tell her how her actions are effecting you, your child, and your marriage. Tell her what she will lose if she doesn't get her act together. Someone needs to shake some sense into her. Don't "cater" to her. That is the worst thing you can do. (Except for keeping your child anytime she wants you too! You need to do that.)

[Siriana]

Understood, thank you I will be sure to take this type of an approach after I figure out her intentions.

 

Gus, she said she's moving out! She's at her parents house.

 

It's 5 to 12 for you to switch from doormat into I'm a man mode.

 

You were having that approach of figuring her intentions and being full of understanding and patience for a looooong time - since we first talked and you refused checking up on her if she's cheating. At the end you did what any other person would do - you checked up if she's lying to you. But this time your reluctance to be proactive will do you much more harm. This is not the same situation as before. Now she knows you know and she needs to experience some consequences.

 

Try something new that we are suggesting you.

By the time you figure out her intentions it will be too late.

You had plenty of time to figure out if she's cheating - but this is different. At the moment you decided to find out if she's a cheater you had to be aware that cheating asks very firm measures if you want to save whats left to save.

 

Cheaters cheat because they want security (thats you) and feeling of something new (thats him). They're cheating because they have no intentiones leaving security. BUT if security (you) stops being on dispose and cuts of the feeling of security they're left on a very shakey ground. They come crowling back or choose to leave if there's nothing left to save.

[bigheart09]

Gus,

Please take everyone's advice to heart. We are not trying to be mean here, but just want you to see that you have to put yourself first. Stop catering to her needs and worry about your needs. I know you want to work things out, but you have to show her you are serious and that she needs to change.

[Gus Almighty]

Gus,

Please take everyone's advice to heart. We are not trying to be mean here, but just want you to see that you have to put yourself first. Stop catering to her needs and worry about your needs. I know you want to work things out, but you have to show her you are serious and that she needs to change.

 

I know it, I thank you all and I know what I have to do from this point on. I am going to be firm, I am going to tell her that what she is doing is unacceptable to me and my heart. I am going to tell her that if she wants to make that step in her life then fine, I will not sit and wait for her to choose whether or not she wants to be with me and me only.

 

Yes its time to be a man I do agree, no more softie on this. I gotta take control.

[Gus Almighty]

any suggestions on how specifically I would phrase it to her?

[blender]

You can say in a loving and firm way:

 

"honey, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be in a "power struggle" with you over some stranger, or even over our own insecurities, I'm done "fighting about all this" and I realize that you need some time to get your own heart figured out, and out of respect for myself I need to do the same, and I can no longer be involved with you while you are emotionally on the fence regarding our relationship, so take all the time you need, and only contact me if you are sincerely wanting to intentionally work on our relationship exclusively, otherwise I need to take some time to re-gain my own perspective, my sense of self, and to build an honest, safe, happy, secure enviorment for our son."

 

Before you say something along the self respecting choice of the above paragraph, make sure you have a "plan" in place for yourself, like where you will live, how you will proceed to legally separate, what custody and sharing of responsiblities you want to implement for your son. Do this planning in a realistic, sincere, self respecting way, and then tell her YOUR truth, and do so in a firm, self confident, non confrontational calm way, and start taking YOURSELF and the LIFE OF YOUR SON seriously and make choices that show that you are serious, thoughtful, respecting, and then and ONLY then does that allow HER the opportunity to do the same.. she either will once she SEES how real your self respecting calmness is.. or she won't grow up and face herself, and either way you are better off for having had the courage to live within some standards and values you set for your own heart and that of your precious son.

 

the real solution and healing comes from what YOU choose to do and not in waiting for HER to make some self respecting choices.. it's starts with YOU doing so for yourself.

[Gus Almighty]

I had to do things I didnt want to do tonight when we talked.

 

I had to be hard on her although it was hard on me to have to be that way with her. I essentially demanded that she understand where I was coming from and how it hurt me. She kept trying to turn it around on me but I stood strong and didnt budge. She got so mad she left.

 

She came back 2 hours later crying, she told me that she cut it off with him. And I believe her. For the first time she sincerely apologized for what she had done, told me that she was very wrong to do the things she did and told me she had some problems in her head. She never once blamed me for anything.

 

Things calmed a bit and were much better after we talked and hugged. She did tell me that shes still not sure she knows what she wants to do about the marriage because she doesnt feel right but I am going to do what I can and give her time. At least now we are dealing with that problem the right way.

 

I think my first step must be to help her get passed this whole situation. I need to be here more for her now than ever before.....I gotta help her feel good again before we can deal with us as a couple. I think thats the only thing I can do right now.

 

I need to figure out how to make her stop hurting inside, shes had that problem for a long time and now its a very important time to start healing it.

 

Now I need to show her I can be a man and that I am trying to be responsible, happy and outgoing more for her and try to teach her how we need to be in order to start making repairs on us as a couple. I need to prove to her that i can be forgiving like I have told her which I fully intend to do.

 

I am going to be a happier person, not let things get me down, look at the good things in life rather than points when I am unhappy. I am not going to let depression take a hold on my life or let her take hold on hers anymore.

 

I am going to do my best to get her to find her love for me again.

 

you people are all so great, I dont know what i would do without you. I think by now I probably would have been moved out and in alot more pain. Anyone thats local to indiana feel free to come have a beer my treat lol.

 

This now feels like the best I have felt in a long long time. I am so happy that she finally let it out. Now I have to keep us strong so that this leech cant get inside her head again. Shes still emotionally attached to him, I need to now deal with getting her past that.

[ImThatGirl]

Only have a moment, Gus!

 

Just wanted to say, Congrats at standing your grounds tonight!

 

Please remember, you can't fix everything. She has to want to change and work on herself and on her marriage.

 

I'd be willing to assist with looking up counselors with a sliding scale rate if you'd like. Let me know. This is going to take much time, effort, dedication, strength, patience, love. For both of you.

 

How will you know if she talks to him again? Did she mention finding a new job?

 

I'll be there to meet ya for that beer....! Where's the meeting place? j/k (I'm in IN)

 

Good luck! It's going to be a long road! Don't forget about us! We'll be here to support you through this!

[Rabican]

I think one of your biggest problems here is that you are being a doormat with your wife. You need to be a MAN, a big strong, unbending, angry, laying down the law M A N. Not some sniveling, whiny, sensitive, caring 'guy' whos trying to make everything right for the woman who just gutted you!

 

So here is how I would handle this from where you are now. Id dump her, and take my tape recording to the divorce lawyer. But I understand that you want this to work out somehow... so heres advice towards that end.

 

Go to a lawyer, and find out how you go about handling this cheating thing. Accepting it, and trying to work this out may, if you get divorced actually erase the fact that she cheated... check on that. Your first priority is to protect you, and your son. Your next priority is to work on the marriage.

 

Heres me handling this situation.

Sit her down and tell her the following:

 

She has two choices, she can either work on your marriage and do whatever you feel is necessary towards that end. Or she can get out of the house now. If she wants to work on things with you, the other guy is out of the picture. She never contacts him again, she doesnt call him, she doesnt email him, she doesnt work on the same street as him. IF she has to quit her job, then she quits her job. If you have to contact his employer and notify them of this drama to ensure that one of them goes... then do that.

She would have to agree, and understand that I would be checking up on her for the rest of eternity if I felt it necessary. Shes home late, Im checking her emails, phone logs etc. If she balks at this invasion of privacy I tell her simply that she is welcome to go. I wouldnt have to do this if she hadnt lied to me and cheated. Keep that tape recording... thats proof that she cheated. You may need that for a divorce.

Both of you sit down and try and decide what you want out of this marriage. If she isnt sure, shes still torn over you or him... tell her to take a hike.

[Siriana]

Gus, she sucked you back in. You were firm for 5 minutes, she cried and you went back to overly supportive Gus!

You can't be firm and than easily manipulated to softy gus.

She said she broke off with him (yeah, like she didn't say she is not sleaping with him earlier) and said she has no idea about the marriagge and you started crawling around her again.

Thats nothing. She just said what you wanted to hear. She's manipulating you big time.