Who Thinks That NC is Stupid ???

[kellbell]

I thank the high heavens that high school is nothing like real life!! LOL

[rocio]

Yeah I get that, but I'm saying like if you happen to bump into them don't ignore them. Don't persue or anything but don't purposly try to have no contact with them.

 

NC is not about ignoring someone if you happen to run into them. You're right - that's childish. It's more about resisting the urge to call them at 3AM when you're drunk.. Or not letting yourself be manipulated by an ex who doesn't want a future with you but still wants ego boosts from you every once in a while...

[kellbell]

"Yeah I get that, but I'm saying like if you happen to bump into them don't ignore them. Don't persue or anything but don't purposly try to have no contact with them."

 

You know, as you and I got further into this discussion, I had a feeling that this is what you have been eluding to the whole time. This is NOT NC. At least the NC that people mostly advocate here. Yes, if I bumped into an ex in public some where, I reckon I would say a simple hello and not stick my nose up in the air and say...."hmph." This is not NC in the context I have been describing all along.

[Daddy Bear]

When I first moved out back in '05 I didn't cut off contact with my ex even though I really should have, because I was the so-called 'dumper' (i.e., I filed for the divorce) and I thought it would be mean of me. Both of us are now quick to admit that it would have been easier on us if we hadn't stayed in touch.

 

On the other hand, deciding to stop ignoring another woman after a long and painful silence between her and myself brought some of the best moments I can remember.

 

You can't say that NC is always or never the right thing to do. All of the nuances of every individual situation need to be taken into account. I would not espouse it in any case where "no hard feelings" would work just as well, if not better.

[DN]

No contact is not a concept that just sprang out of the ground fully-formed. It is something that many people have successfully used to get over a relationship. Why argue with success? If it works for some people under some circumstances then other people are wise to try it and see if it works for them.

 

It is true that it may not be the answer in every case but that doesn't mean it may not be the answer in some. Both a blanket endorsement or denial of no contact as a healing process seem silly to me.

[hockeyboy]

I really don't think that NC permanently solves anything. If it worked for you that's great. I really think that just not talking to the person and ignoring them does more harm then good, in some situations of course. It can work but I think it's rarely the only soultion. The only time I can think of where it would be forsure the thing to do would be in an abusive relationship.

 

NC does not mean you never speak to the person again, but rather gives you time to get away from the situation and take some time to get over the person.

 

The ex that brought me here crushed me and for a long time I kept contact with her...which caused a rollercoaster of emotions based on how we were doing. Eventually I stopped and didn't talk to her for months. Eventually she called and I decided I could handle it. Long story short, we've been friends since and even agreed to go on a date (after 2.5 years).

 

However, if I just kept doing what I was doing..kept in contact with her...it would have taken me much much much longer to get to that point where I could look at her as a friend.

 

And being dumped is abuse enough in some peoples eyes.

[rocio]

Being dumped is not abuse

[Cyprian]

Being cheated on and betrayed certainly is...and if any situation deserves NC, I believe this is one...

[Brooke657]

it always depends on the situation

[Night Pumpkin]

Amen to that !!!

 

I thank the high heavens that high school is nothing like real life!! LOL

[rimshot22]

I'm getting into this thread a bit late but thought I'd offer my experiences with NC.

 

I also first heard of NC on this board and began it immediately. I had been through enough "talk" with the ex and realized there was nothing left to say. Each day, barely a minute would pass where I would want to call, email, or text but in retrospect, everything I wanted to say was just a variation on something we had already discussed.

 

The initial reaction after a break up is regret. I think that's natural. People on this site helped me realize that if two people break up they truly are not meant to be together. For me, NC was taking my power back. My relationship was in a very negative cycle and I had given up many of my wants and needs because I felt that by giving, giving, and giving some more that I would be more appreciated. BIG mistake. NC allows you to take the time to focus on yourself. IT IS NOT EASY! It takes much inner strength and , at times, lots of help from friends/family to keep you focused on yourself.

 

For me, I would think many others, continuing the contact after a break up only allows for the negative aspects that caused the breakup to be affirmed. There is no time to assess from the "outside." Speaking to the other person is just a more difficult reminder that you're not with them. You question, analyze, and attempt to manipulate conversations until you drive yourself insane and are consumed by the other person.

 

It's been 8 months for me and it is still difficult at times. I do still have feelings, but NC has allowed me to take back my life, be proud of who I am/was, and helped me begin to realize that she was not what I wanted (or deserved for that matter). It has taken several people to help me along with this realization and they continue to help in small ways. If the other person wants you back, they will let you know. You can't live your life waiting (even though I still do at times) you have to move on. If someone doesn't want to be with you, it's their loss, not yours.

 

For me, it was 10 years of knowing the person, and over 3 in an intense relationship. When I look at the situation as a loss (loss of my best friend, lover, etc.) it is extremely hurtful. NC has allowed me to BEGIN to see it as a learning experience. I do miss many, many things about the relationship but it has allowed me to see that the things I don't miss overwhelm the positives.

 

Just my take...hope someone finds it helpful.

 

Peace.

[Brooke657]

I'd really like to comment on this right now but I think I'll refrain from offending anyone tonight lol.

[kate111]

Rimshot you have helped.

 

What else are you supposed to do when someone risks losing you altogether by breaking up with you?

 

They have called it off so you need to create a life without them to survive. If you were in constant contact it would prolong suffering.

 

I've taken comfort in the idea that if I was devoted enough to commit to that level, love as hard, then that is a reflection of me and my capacity to love. I can feel good knowing I could do that.

 

One day I will meet someone who is capable of that too. Then the love will be explosive.

 

Hoping.

[cchurting]

No contact = removing yourself from the situation.

 

Often, when in a relationship you see everything through rose-tinted glasses. By no contact, you officially remove the glasses.

[Brooke657]

lol finally i have someone on my side

[astaro]

not all relashonships can be healed.

 

very often relashonships brake because people wernt compatible, trying to make each other feel better will often cause a great deal of confusion for atleast one side who might think you are working to get back together.

 

i think the main reason NC is so often recommended is because after a brake you need to be able to take a step back and look at things objectivly.

 

when we are in a relashonship we are all as blind as bat, cant see past the love.

 

and i think thats where the main benefit of NC is, it gives you chanse to take a deep breath, and think clearly (atleast to some extent) about you have gone through.

[ColdWinterForest]

I hadn't heard of NC (no contact) until I came to this message board. Of all the things in the world, I beliieve it is among the most strange and destructive philosophies.

 

I just can't understand the whole concept of refusing to contact someone you once loved. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, but I have had many very close friendships fall apart, and I can't imagine just ignoring someone. It's much better to work to make it right, so we can atleat be friends. If not friends, atleast learn to forgive and forget and act in an amical way towards each other.

 

One can't just run away from the problems they have with someone. It's much better to work out as many issues as we can, and to atleast live in peace with them.

 

Does anyone else here have some thoughts ???

 

NC is absolutely essential. I have healed quite a bit because of it... and it is not something that you can just stop doing... I am going into perpetual NC. Is it sad that you can no longer talk to that person? Yes, but that's life... If the person who dumped you wanted you in their life, then they wouldn't have dumped you in the first place. THEY would have worked things out with you.... So, obviously, NC is the last and final resort.

[ColdWinterForest]

And also, it is very painful for me to see my ex after we broke up... or to read about her new relationship on myspace/livejournal... so NC is also a way of avoiding the pain of seeing your ex move on without you.

[Jenny715]

NC got me through a realllly bad breakup as well. Learn it love it use it.

[kevind345]

My gf just broke up with me 3 weeks ago and we talked and saw each other and i begged for her back the first 2 weeks...then just this thursday i told her i wasent going to contact her...and that i think i need to shut her out for awhile....she didnt like it but idno she ended up calling me the next day anways cause she couldnt help herself she said...she left this sad voicemail that this is weird and she just wants to talk to me. SO for those of you on this post that think NC is bad what do you suggest? mayb we arent meant to be together or w/e but what is the alternative to NC if i want a chance to have my gf back?

[Brooke657]

Wow, your basically saying don't bash my opinion and then 2 seconds later you bash someone else's. Saying sorry this isn't a hate post im not bashing your opinion, doesn't change the fact that your bashing their opinion. If that's your honest opinion don't apologize for it.

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

I think deploying NC on someone falls upon the circumstances of the relationship.

 

I dumped many girls in high school, and was annoyed at why they would always be weird around me. I thought they were being looney. My gosh, what's wrong with saying "hello" to someone when you see them? My uncle telling me "you're not responsible for anyone's feelings" didn't help my situation either. Then again, this was high school, and a serious relationship in high school was not the same as a serious relationship post high school.

 

Then I got dumped for the first time in college. This was my "first love" and I had strong feelings for her. I'm not sure if it was my heart which was broken, or my ego that was crushed. Probably a little bit of both. But, I didn't hate her. I knew what she was like and she was very honest with me when we broke up. She's never really had a serious relationship before, and she didn't want to be so serious this early in life, and this early in college. It hurt, but it made sense. I went into NC so I could heal, but I still saw her on a semi-frequent basis through mutual friends. I would still say "hi" to her when I saw her, and still hung out with her at times with groups of friends, but after a good deal of time apart. Heck, we even went on a date again down the road, but, the point of NC in this situation was for me to heal - lick my wounds, get over her, get over our relationship, learn from it, focus on myself, and grow as a person while moving on. NC helped me deal with the pain and re-collect myself. I also learned the other side of the coin from my uncle's comment back in high school: "you're not responsible for anyone's feelings." I learned empathy, and I gained a certain maturity about why people did not want to speak with me after things ended. It wasn't because she was looney, it was because she was hurt, and seeing me/speaking with me was painful. Being dumped by someone I cared about and had feelings for gave me a new perspective on this; a perspective much different than close friendships falling apart.

 

I also don't think there is anything childish by ignoring someone depending on the circumstances. There is one girl I dated who I won't acknowledge at all, and that's because I was abandoned when tough times fell on me. No words of encouragement from her, and no solace of support. I became a burden to her, who was my girlfriend at the time. I'm mature to realize that tough times for someone in a bf/gf relationship of less than one year is a large responsibility to place on the other person, however, I also have my answer of who that person really is by how they handle these situations, as in do they make an effort and do they really care. In the end, I had no problem telling her to her face to stay out of my life. Most of it came out in anger in the heat of the moment, but I don't regret it to this day. The silent, expressionless gawks I have received from her when I bumped into her afterwards made me want to say it again, but the past is the past, I've forgiven but not forgetten, I wish you the best and all of the health, wealth and happiness that a person can have, but never speak with me again. I have no interest in reconciliation or in friendship or as an acquaintance.

 

The moral here is NC is a good recovery tool, and I could never realize the point of it until I was dumped by someone I still had strong feelings for. Before that relationship, I could not understand why an old flame did not want to speak with me, or would be weird around me. Being on both sides of the fence allows me to understand relationships better, and even people. It brought out some softer qualities within me, whereas in the past I just thought, "man, she has issues" or "grow up." People are more complicated than that. Feelings are not black and white. Relationships are not cut and dry. And I think it requires a certain maturity to understand and appreciate that. Counting the number of days since you deployed Operation NC is a little extreme, but effectively using it to get over a relationship, a good relationship, which just didn't work out in the end is a great recovery tool. If you had a good relationship that ended very badly, or if you just had a bad relationship period, then I don't see any problem with ignoring someone or banishing them from your life. NC is only there to help you deal with whatever it is you need to deal with in an effective manner.

[insofar]

The "suck it up" argument is really annoying to me.

 

"Hi. I don't love you anymore, but I want to be friends, so stop acting like you still love me, kill any feelings you have for me right now, and be my friend so I can have all the benefits of a best friend without having to deal with any of your problems while causing you immense pain by constantly telling you about my awesome life without you."

 

Does that sound fair to anyone? I don't know about you, but I'm not a robot and I don't have that much control over my feelings. I can't just delete someone from my brain and redefine them like that.

 

And Brooke, for you to argue that these people's feelings aren't important and they should just smile and shut up shows a complete lack of respect for their problems. Why is it that you apparently think that the dumper's feelings, which are probably much more stable as it is, are somehow more important? Would you rather that dumpees prolong their own suffering and keep talking to their ex while the ex is probably feeling little to no pain and is actively moving on? Maybe you just don't believe they're actually feeling pain?

 

I think the split here is based on personality types. I'd be interested in knowing the Myers Briggs types of people here who are for / against NC; my guess is that the people who think it's completely stupid either haven't been dumped (like the original poster) or simply cannot relate to the rest of us. (INFP, for anyone interested.)

 

What annoys me is that some of you assume that because you can't understand it, there must be something wrong with those of us who believe it's useful. Keep an open mind. What's right for you isn't necessarily what's right for someone else.