ColdWinterForest

Another thing, what I find strange now.... reflecting upon the entire situation... is how fast it all went by. I knew the girl for five years... practically 1/4 of my entire life... and it all seemed to go by so quickly. In many ways, I am back at where I first started, and that's alright. She came into my life at a particularly vulnerable time for me, but I have grown passed that now. I know what I want now, so I don't have to take gambles and risks or even depend upon one person for the validation of my own existence anymore. I realize that self-esteem is not external, it is internal. I don't need her in order to feel good about myself. I want to build up my self-esteem... and I realize that I have to learn how to walk on my own again... Perhaps, I have never truly walked on my own before and the break up was the final catalyst I needed in order to open my eyes and realize that I finally need to grow up. I am twenty-one. I am no longer a kid anymore. In any case, thanks for the support.

Yeah, I have needed this for a long time. It just took the break up in order to make me realize that I needed this change.... I still feel betrayed and hurt and all of that jazz, but I am also curious as to where my life is going to go from here. It's not so predictable anymore. It's not going into the direction I once thought that it would go in and has instead gone into a completely different direction. I feel like I have an opportunity to redefine myself and to take a hard long look at myself.

What I meant by that... is that I want to reduce the importance of her in my mind so that she is next to nothing to me. It doesn't mean that I want to wish her harm, or that I even want to wish her well. I just don't want to care anymore. I want to let go of her.... At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever be able to talk to her again. Certainly, I am never going to break NC, so if she decides to contact me someday... Well, let's just say that I really don't have anything to say to her.... Let's just say that things ended terribly between us and in the past couple of months I've come to some harsh conclusions that perhaps I wasn't even truly in love with her anymore anyway. It still hurts, though. She was like FAMILY to me. I don't think I have ever been that close to a single person in my entire life. But, I can tell that I am getting over this -- it has just been a long hard road out of hell. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I think that I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. I feel like I have to let go of the person I once was and change myself in order to let go of her... And I already know that I will always have an emotional scar from this... but that's okay. I just hope that someday I will be able to look back on this as a test of endurance.... Like getting through something horrible in order to get to a better place. It seems to me that last month was a lot harder than this one has been, and that the one before that is unfathomable to reflect upon, so I can tell that things are getting easier. Each day that I make through maintaining NC is a new conquest over this.... And I feel fine today, but I know that I may be thrown back into feeling depressed tomorrow. The ups and downs are kind of hard to deal with because they are so inconsistent... I never know when I am going to be feeling depressed again.

I have a question... is it normal to feel a lot of emotional ups and downs... sometimes I seem to even be happy, but then I am slammed back into depression again. It is like I have bipolar disorder, and I know that normally I was never like this before, but since I broke up with my ex... And also, lately I've been having a lot of childish fantasies about "showing off" to my ex... or getting revenge through self improvement and whatnot. Basically, I have been working on improving my self-appearance among other things and I fantasize about being better than her, or becoming a better person... I know all of this is very childish, but I cannot help but to fantasize about it... and it keeps me going. I just hope that this isn't considered lingering on the past and not moving on mentally because I very much want to move on with my life. I am tired of her being so important to me in my mind. I just want to reduce her to nothing. The thing is, the only way I can do this is to change myself and my lifestyle drastically, which I have set out to do... I cannot be the same person I once was anymore. Now, this is hard. This is actually harder than moving on from our break up because she left me in this place and now I have to find a way out alone. Hm, that's all.

Another thing, music has helped me through this tremendously. I find myself listening to more and more nowadays.

Luckily, my ex didn't even like music. She did ruin some good movies I used to enjoy, though.

The thing is, I was actually okay a couple of days ago. It seems like it happens in cycles now... some days are better than others, but today has been bad for whatever reason. I woke up in a bad mood. I am angry for a lot of reasons. I am really angry at myself, too, because I was a fool to stay with that girl for as long as I did... and I feel like I threw a lot of things away -- my time, friendships that I could have focused on more and developed further, and even the social life that I could have had to a degree. I just put all of my faith into her and everything that I had into her and I fell flat on my face. I was really stupid to think that I could depend upon her so heavily. Recently, I have come to a lot of conclusions... and I have grown not only to understand myself better but to understand her more and what I was to her... if that makes any sense at all. I think that at this point in my life I don't need her anymore. I need to move on, but I still feel angry over it, and it isn't something that I can really control. I wonder if there is ANYTHING of value in this world. If we put value into other people and fall flat on our faces, then what can we really value? I guess maybe ourselves.

It is just one of those days when I am seething with anger. Even though I haven't talked to her in over four months, today I seem to be remembering all of the s**** that she put me through. All of the lies... the broken promises... everything. I am tired of her existing in my mind and I wish that I could just wipe her out of it completely. What a waste of time our relationship was... I wish I had never met her. The time that we spent together wasn't worth this kind of price. Bleh, sorry if this sounds immature. I just needed to get it out.

And also, it is very painful for me to see my ex after we broke up... or to read about her new relationship on myspace/livejournal... so NC is also a way of avoiding the pain of seeing your ex move on without you.

NC is absolutely essential. I have healed quite a bit because of it... and it is not something that you can just stop doing... I am going into perpetual NC. Is it sad that you can no longer talk to that person? Yes, but that's life... If the person who dumped you wanted you in their life, then they wouldn't have dumped you in the first place. THEY would have worked things out with you.... So, obviously, NC is the last and final resort.

Hey, I am in the same boat as you are right now (the in their early 20's trying to get their life back together group). My life is a complete mess right now, too, and I don't know "who I am either." I don't really have any answers for you, since I am trying to get my own life together... And this may sound unbelievably lame, but remember that you are not alone... there are other people out there who feel the same way as you do and only you can put your own life together... Focus on yourself. Personally, I want to start walking everyday and working out as soon as winter breaks. If your life is boring, try to get some new hobbies. Try to be more sociable and try not to worry about the consequences... even though that may seem hard to do.

I got cut off at first, too, and I had to practically beg for an explanation why. I suggest that you try once, and if he does not explain himself, then go into NC immediately... I really think that you have to embrace some of the pain... in the sense that you NEED to know the truth or else your mind is just going to dwell on the "why" while you are in NC. In all honesty, he probably has someone else in his life and decided to just take the easy way out by not confronting you and cutting you off.

It is extremely hard. It's easier said than done, and I am still struggling with some of these same exact issues, so don't think for a second that it's an easy thing to do... I just think that it is a necessary thing to do at this point in time because what good is holding onto the past doing for us? And also, I think that you are right to a certain extent. Maybe we are better off getting out of these relationships... We may believe that we have lost everything, but maybe this "new found" sense of freedom is really what we needed all along? Going through a break up seems to be a period of self-evaluation to me. You have to figure out what that person once meant to you, which can sometimes be much harder than it seems, and then you have to leave it behind... Those emotions and feelings will no longer do you any good. That doesn't mean that you should forget about that person, but you need to try to look towards the future (YOUR future) instead of dwelling on the past and what things were like "back then." At first, this new found sense of freedom is frightening to us. Like you said, you just got out of an abusive relationship and you were STILL mentally programmed to ask your ex for permission to go anywhere. I have also experienced something similar with my ex, who was not really abusive or anything, but was a controlling and almost obsessive woman. I also found it hard to deal with this "new found" sense of freedom... and having her ignore me to a certain degree when, even six months ago, it seemed like I was utterly important to her and was the most important thing in her life. But, that's the way things are now. This is your life now, so it is best to accept it rather than to fight it.

Maybe the best way to get over a relationship is to minimalize your thoughts and desires to be with the person you were once with... and, in that case, to let go of the person that you USED to be (meaning the person that you were when you were still with your ex) and "profoundly" accept the separation fully. Ultimately, this means that you have to accept yourself. This means that you cannot linger on why your relationship failed, or how disappointed YOU may feel about that failure. It means that you have to accept yourself as you are now with love and compassion... to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Well, at least I tried and maybe things didn't work out so well, but I tried my best and I have no regrets. I would do it all over again if I was given the opportunity because I like myself as I am here and now." Just a thought.

I would like to know myself... Sometimes I feel like I fixate on a particular thing too much and, like you said, make it bigger and more important to me in my mind than it is in actual reality. Getting over disappointment... I think you need to do some growing up in order to do it, which is what I am trying to do right now. You've got to realize that not everything is guaranteed to go YOUR way in life and that you have to make the best out of the situation that is handed to you.

It is a daily struggle, man. Even today it was hard for me. Actually, I think I have gotten past the urge to contact her, but I still feel horrible about the entire situation. You know what I mean? I still think about my ex everyday... and I still feel a lot of anger, sadness, whatever. So, it is a daily struggle. It is HARD, and I would also like to know if things will EVER get any better.

I think that is one of the hardest things. We all like to reminisce about what our ex's used to say to us... People who are dumped normally find it unfathomable that they could be dumped, especially when it seemed like the girl "really" cared for you. My ex only showed slight signs that she was dissatisfied with me before she dumped me, and it was still a major shock to me when it happened, even though I should have seen it coming from a mile away. I just couldn't believe that she could live without me. It seemed like she cared so much about me. She was even the one who initiated our entire relationship in the first place, not me. And, like I said before, you cannot understand her reasoning or the deeper psychological reasons for why she dumped you. She did it to get back with her ex boyfriend? Well, then it is most likely that you were just a fallback guy for when she was dumped by him, and now that he is "accepting" her back, she wants to return to him because she probably still has lingering feelings left over for him. The problem is... like you said, this guy has already dumped her once before and there is no guarantee that their relationship is even going to last this time. She is passing up a good opportunity by dumping you and, will most likely, find herself being taken advantage of by her ex later on down the road once again. Keep your chin high... she may have seemed like the world to you, but there are a lot of people out there... Maybe you will find someone who truly cares for you someday; someone who won't use you as a fallback guy for their own emotional problems.

I am going through a very similar experience right now, too. I am also 21. I have never really had any "real" friends either. Not to say that I don't have friends, but I have always felt like I have had to portray a certain appearance around them in order to be accepted. I can never really be myself, so they only "know" me on a really shallow, superficial level. And as for your ex, it is perfectly natural to be jealous of him and his success... what you are really jealous of is his ability to move on from you so easily. That is perfectly natural. I felt the same way, too. I still feel that way. And as for that other guy, well, we all think about things like that from time to time... we always play out alternate scenarios in our minds. In my case, I think about what my life would be like now if I had never met my ex. Of course, things didn't turn out that way....

First of all, and I hate to sound cliche, but life ain't fair, man. Don't get me wrong, I feel for you completely -- I went through a similar experience and responded with many of the same feelings. You are not going insane, this is just a natural response to the failure of what you considered a stable and solid relationship. Why does she want this other guy? Who knows. Human beings are complex. It is impossible (no matter how hard you try) to truly understand another person and their reasoning. Just think about yourself now and forget about her. She has already made her decision and it is highly unlikely that you can convince her otherwise. The best thing to do is to go into NC. It won't be easy, but you will find people on these boards who are in a similar predicament, which helps a little bit.

Well, that is the trick, isn't it? Making yourself not care as much as you once did, which may seem impossible at first. Believe me, I am still struggling with my own feelings of codependency. But, you can be complete without her. Right now you just feel deprived, and that is a perfectly natural feeling that we all get when we lose someone. I don't think that one can necessarily get off of the ride, but someday the feelings will diminish and subside. The initial trauma of the situation will wear off. The root of your despair is that you are unable to be yourself. The you that once was is now gone. You can no longer live the kind of life that you once lived, and that is terrifying to you because you were entirely certain that LIFE was for you. I also felt the same way with my ex. Even though there were so many flaws and miscommunications in our relationship, it was still a sure thing to me. It was something that I felt I could hold onto, but the reality of the matter is that it was just a blanket preventing me from really going out and finding a more profound sense of happiness. You cannot predict life. You cannot predict the future or what will happen tomorrow, but you do have the power to mold it. That girl has given you a free ticket to do anything you want. Right now... you don't know what to do, or what you can do... This new found sense of freedom only adds to your despair, but someday the feelings will diminish and subside... and you will be able to move on and maybe... just maybe you will find yourself better off than before. You need to remain optimistic. Believe me, I am naturally a very pessimistic person and I am struggling with the same exact issues, but it is comforting knowing that other people are going through the same exact situations. The point is that we are all human. We are destined to hurt each other whether we like it or not. I don't think that there is such a thing as an ideal relationship that is devoid of any turbulence or emotional pain. Being in a relationship is about making compromises, and when those sacrifices that we make individually don't pay off, we are thrown into a vicious cycle of self-persecution. What did we do wrong? What did they do wrong? What good will this do for us NOW? Looking back is worse than standing still. However, this is your chance to change all of the things that you do not like about yourself... But, don't do it for her... do it for YOURSELF. Do it because you want to, not because you think that it is going to get her back. You may find that, down the road, the new you really doesn't want her back. Who knows what the future may bring?

Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. I went through a similar experience and came to the epiphany that the relationship had already been broken for a very long time before we broke up. Sometimes, people stay in bad situations in order to avoid the pain of emotional detachment. I was in the process of going through a mental/nervous breakdown when my ex, whom I had to beg to even be up front with me, kindly informed me that she was seeing someone else. It was tough! Even now, some three/four months later, it is still tough. It was like my entire life fell apart at that single moment, and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it. But, I am beginning to recover a little bit... I am beginning to feel "some" optimism for the future again, and you can too, so just hang in there! Granted, I am far from being happy and my thoughts still linger on her... and I still feel a great deal of anger, hatred, and hopelessness. I feel used and deceived, but in all honesty I think that these feelings are just natural emotions that go along with becoming emotionally detached from someone you spent a great deal of time with... someone who had a significant impact on your life. It is going to be a long, hard road out of hell, but once you get out... and I am hoping for this myself... you will come out with a greater deal of wisdom under your belt. You will understand yourself better than before because, unlike her, you were forced to confront the pain and overcome it. You cannot hide in someone else's arm; you have to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. There is no easy way out for the people who have been rejected and dumped; they are forced to confront themselves and, naturally, they end up questioning their own identity. In any case, NC is hard at first, but after a while you will get so used to it... and sometimes you will think of that person as nothing more than an abstraction. In a way, they existed at one time in your life, but now it is time for you to move on -- to meet new people and to have new experiences. Letting go of that person, and letting go of what they meant to you and whatever past you had together, is the first step for NC.

Just remember... all of these feelings are natural. I also felt them in the initial stages of my own breakup. You need to let her go and focus on your own life from now on... It sounds hard, I know, but from what you have said it sounds like she wants you out of her life.... She is being cold because she probably has some lingering feelings for you (after all, you were together for a very long time), but from the looks of it... I don't think she wants you around anymore. The person I was with treated me the same way after we broke up.... she was very cold and detached. It was as if she was a completely different person. In any case, like I said earlier, you will adapt... I mean, it may take a very long time and it is going to hurt for a while, but someday you will be able to live without her. You have to focus on yourself now... Just think of it as a new chance to reinvent yourself in anyway you choose. Yeah, she may not be able to see the "new you," but someone else will.

That's pretty rough. I also got the cold shoulder like that. It is pretty surreal to experience because you were always under the impression that you "meant" something to that person. I think that they act that way in order to protect themselves. They may come off really cold, but it is only to protect themselves emotionally. And at this point in time, you have to do the same thing... unfortunately... so I would advise you to go into a state of no contact. It seems impossible, I know, and it will take a while, but someday you will adapt to a life without her, as hard as it may sound.

It's over. If I were you, then I would start trying to maintain no contact "as of now." The sooner the better. You may feel like it is impossible to move on and/or to get over this, but someday you will look back on this with a completely different perspective. Maybe it is for the best. Who knows? He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants, but that is NO REASON to keep you hanging like this. That just seems pretty selfish on his part.

No contact is absolutely essential. I've been at it for about three months now. I find that it is a daily struggle, but it is getting easier. In comparison to last month, this month has been a breeze so far... It does get easier, so my advice is to maintain no contact no matter what.... Eventually, you will get used to your new life without your ex.