Who Thinks That NC is Stupid ???

[Night Pumpkin]

I hadn't heard of NC (no contact) until I came to this message board. Of all the things in the world, I beliieve it is among the most strange and destructive philosophies.

 

I just can't understand the whole concept of refusing to contact someone you once loved. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, but I have had many very close friendships fall apart, and I can't imagine just ignoring someone. It's much better to work to make it right, so we can atleat be friends. If not friends, atleast learn to forgive and forget and act in an amical way towards each other.

 

One can't just run away from the problems they have with someone. It's much better to work out as many issues as we can, and to atleast live in peace with them.

 

Does anyone else here have some thoughts ???

[ahhh2jz]

NC is used to let one's self heal. Trying to work it out has been proven amongst many of these threads to not get anyone anywhere really. I think almost everyone on here HAS tried to make it work and talk it out and it only digs a deeper hole.

[DN]

It is not the answer to all issues after a break-up but if someone is hurt by contact with an ex and it stops them healing - why prolong the pain?

[MissTee]

No Way!

 

No Contact was the one thing that saved me during my last break up. It allowed me to heal and to completely get over my ex (together for 2.5 yrs).

 

Best thing I EVER did.

[MissTee]

 

One can't just run away from the problems they have with someone. It's much better to work out as many issues as we can, and to atleast live in peace with them.

 

Does anyone else here have some thoughts ???

 

Mate, when it's over... it's OVER.

 

There are no more issues to work out. You just gotta move on.

[hades]

Problems don't fix themselfs over night. If you just broke up atleast one of you needs some space. Most often then not the dumpee needs some space but wont admit it.

 

The purpose is to get your head clear and on streight. Everytime you hear your EX's voice it generally hurts. Thats why it's a good idea to atleast do it for a week.

[melrich]

I have never been in a romantic relationship before

 

I really don't mean this to be patronising but until you have been in a relationship and dumped by someone you love it is very hard to understand the pain you can go through. For some it is so intense as to be actually physical.

 

I definitely don't think NC is for everyone and I do find it over prescribed. But it does work for some and I think in almost all cases, there needs to be a definitive and significant break in intensity between being in the relationship and being just friends.

[shikashika]

Well I don't think No contact is the complete way to go.. I've said it before on here.. but NC is touted as some type of mantra..

 

sure it may work for some.. but I don't think it heals all people... We are all different.

 

Sure, it may be good initially... and depending on the circumstances... but sometimes its better not to be bitter... and contact that ex... even if you were dumped.

 

I'm one of the non-NCers on here

 

I truly believe it is NOT the best way to go

[elithepi]

I thought NC was a terrible thought in my situation and I ignored the idea.

But after what I have gone through, I wish I had done it day one.

I thought that my ex and myself were on the same page but apparently not.

She denied any face to face contact and it drove me crazy and only made me angry.

It all depends on the situation.

I thought I had the best mate in the world and could not imagine having no contact after the breakup. Well, NC would have made things better in the end.

NC'ing it for a week or two isn't rude or hateful, it allows time to ease the intensity of a hard emotional blow. Then you decide where to go from there.

I don't like the whole preaching of a blanket statement of NC but it is a logical thing to do if you are hurt and lost.

[Night Pumpkin]

NC is just like a book I read in high school called "The Mayor of Casterbridge." Essentially the guy gets into trouble but never learns to say sorry, so he runs away from all his problems. He spends his life running from one place to another because he never had the guts to contact the people who he had problems with. If he had worked to heal the relationship, then he wouldn't have been such wanderer.

 

I just don't believe in cut and run. No matter how painful, its better to stay and work things out so atleast you can have peace....

[MissTee]

NC is just like a book I read in high school called "The Mayor of Casterbridge." Essentially the guy gets into trouble but never learns to say sorry, so he runs away from all his problems. He spends his life running from one place to another because he never had the guts to contact the people who he had problems with. If he had worked to heal the relationship, then he wouldn't have been such wanderer.

 

I just don't believe in cut and run. No matter how painful, its better to stay and work things out so atleast you can have peace....

 

Just because you are having NC, doesn't mean you have "cut and run". When my ex and I broke up, there weren't any issues to resolve, nothing to work out... he had just fallen out of love. I started NC because it was too painful to see him or hear him... not because I was running away. There was nothing to run away from!

 

And I have absolute peace.

[shikashika]

i think in many cases, it can help the person heal.. but it is definitely not the bible for all.

 

The problem is.. while it may be OK for some... many many people come on here and read must do NC... Day 4 of NC, Day 23 of NC.... day 375 of NC.. like its a contest to see how far you can go rather than doing what WORKS BEST FOR YOU.

 

If it helps you heal.. great!! and sometimes , especially at the beginning its neccesary...but sometimes people come on and ask a question about a breakup.. and everyone says NC NC NC NC.. without actually asking questions to see if this really is the best piece of advice for that person

[imike]

yes it will have to depend on each individual. Not all are suitable for it. If you are able to take control of your mind, you will be fine.

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[renaissancewoman101]

I am not a big advocate of NC because sometimes there is hope for reconciliation and NC can dry up the chance of reconciliation. I would rather support the idea of LC (Limited Contact), where you respond to your ex's calls and stuff like that, instead of you initiating contact with the ex.

 

Either way, breakups are hell and take time to get over with.

[Lady Bugg]

Ahhhhhhhhhh the ol' NC subject.......(SuperDave are you out there???)

 

Shika has a valid point.

I believe in "do what works for YOU". If it HELPS you feel better during a breakup to call an ex....do it. If having them in your life in SOME way makes you happy..do it.

 

For me No Contact is like an alcoholic who has made the decision to stop drinking...and honestly some people..if not MOST people are not cut out for doing cold turkey right off the bat. Most of us have to learn the HARD way what works and what doesn't.

 

I think what IS wrong is anyone who sits in judegement of how another person decides HOW to deal with a breakup. It is all a very personal choice and we must respect that.

[Cyprian]

Many people have told me (on ENA and in person) that they made huge mistakes by continuing to stay in contact with their ex. They pushed their ex away or they got friend-zoned and never could get out. Plus NC seems to allow oneself to heal much better.

 

I have never heard someone say that NC ruined their chances, or NC had some sort of horrible effect on their life - maybe there are such people, I wonder if anyone knows a post or two?

[Firedancer03]

I used to think it was the worst idea in the world. Completely ignoring the person you love with all your heart, more than anything in the world?? Ridiculous! But after 3 months of trying to be friends with my ex and seeing if he would change his mind, I realized that he was moving on and I hadn't been because I was so comsumed in our "friendship" and analyzing everything he said and thinking about him constantly. I realized that it was just hurting me more and causing me more pain to continue being in contact with him. And I wasn't about to live the rest of my life in misery, so I did what I had to do and told him I couldn't be friends anymore. It was hard because I loved him with all of my heart, but it was definitely the right decision. Its been 2 months of NC now (except for today when I ran into him on campus....today of all days!! arg!!) and I have made so much progress in my healing. I'm excited about my future again, even if its not with him.

 

I dont necessarily think NC is right for everybody or in every situation. But it is right when the person who dumped you is not making any clear intentions to get back together with the dumpee, and the dumpee is still pining away for their ex and hurting because of it. It gives the dumpee space to collect themselves and heal and move on if they've had their heart broken. Then after they have sufficiently healed, they can decide if it is in their best interest to reconnect with the ex.

[insofar]

NC is just like a book I read in high school called "The Mayor of Casterbridge." Essentially the guy gets into trouble but never learns to say sorry, so he runs away from all his problems. He spends his life running from one place to another because he never had the guts to contact the people who he had problems with. If he had worked to heal the relationship, then he wouldn't have been such wanderer.

 

I just don't believe in cut and run. No matter how painful, its better to stay and work things out so atleast you can have peace....

No.

 

I think you don't understand this because you haven't been in a romantic relationship (they are very different from even "serious" friendships). But sometimes, two people simply aren't compatible, and don't know that until they've been in a relationship for some time. People going NC aren't running from "problems" that caused the breakup... often they've tried to solve those problems many times, to be met with failure each time because they're just too different. And oftentimes, one party will want to break up while the other party is still in love. NC aims to heal the one dumped, because a relationship where one party wants more than another will never work and will always cause the dumpee much more pain than the dumper.

 

It took me a long time to learn this, but some things just can't be "fixed", as much as you might want them to be. And lord knows, I'm a fixer.

 

Try not to judge things you haven't experienced yourself.

[Zaphod]

Hmmmm.... nightpumpkin I can see where you're coming from. One doesn't necessarily have to be "experienced" in relationships to be naturally wise enough to have one's own thoughts on the matter. I don't have to jump off a cliff to know it hurts.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent, but also think that NC is a good thing a lot of the time. I think why is because

 

1 : It stops you making a prat of yourself and spooking the other person out.

 

2 : It helps you centre your mind and emotions after the break.

 

3 : It allows you to get a new partner without THEM getting spooked out by the presense of an old bf/gf.

 

4 : It allows you/both parties to heal properly withouth continuously "picking" at the wound.

 

HOWEVER

 

I believe that if both parties think there may be a chance of reconciliation then don't hold NC for too long, as you might go off the boil so to speak. It certainly happens a lot of the time that couples just need a break or something and they are destined to get back together, but they need to "refresh" first by having NC - it reminds you who you both are.

 

I think though if NC is held too long by two parties that actually want each other back it can grow resentment perhaps - just a thought.

 

For the most part though I think it is a good thing for the reasons I originally mentioned.

 

Those are my thoughts on it.

[Zaphod]

 

Try not to judge things you haven't experienced yourself.

 

Fair enough but on the other hand, one does have an instinct for these things, and also every relationship is different - just because I have 10 relationships doesn't necessarily mean I am prepared for the eleventh - just a thought.

[Steve316]

I hadn't heard of NC (no contact) until I came to this message board. Of all the things in the world, I beliieve it is among the most strange and destructive philosophies.

 

I just can't understand the whole concept of refusing to contact someone you once loved. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, but I have had many very close friendships fall apart, and I can't imagine just ignoring someone. It's much better to work to make it right, so we can atleat be friends. If not friends, atleast learn to forgive and forget and act in an amical way towards each other.

 

One can't just run away from the problems they have with someone. It's much better to work out as many issues as we can, and to atleast live in peace with them.

 

Does anyone else here have some thoughts ???

 

 

No offence Night Pumpkin but if you haven't been there you CANNOT know what it is like. We don't WANT NC but 99% of the people who break it (including me) feel 10 x worse after speaking to their ex because it is no longer the same person they spent so much time with!

 

I don't intend ignoring my ex forever, but I need to try this NC for a good while so that I can get over her. In an ideal world we'd still be talking now and she'd actually be helping me through this, however, like many other ex's, she no longer appears to care and has chosen herself not to get in touch with me!

[pacopaco]

NO CONTACT is essential to healing. If you can make it by still communicating with your ex, then go for it. In my case, my ex (Who cheated on me with her boss after 7 years with me) turned into a basket case. She kept calling me, going back and forth with me. sleeping with me, inviting me out, saying she wants me back, saying she doesn't want me back, calling to say she was sorry, and then telling me she was not unhappy with her life without me, but telling me how much she regrets it, all while still working in direct contact with her boss, who is her affair partner.

She was usuing me for comfort. I was weak and allowed it, thinking every time that we were "working on it." we weren't I was a yo-yo plaything for her. I had to implement NO CONTACT for that reason. her lying, and cheating was too much. I tried my best to work it out with her, telling I forgave her, and that we need to get to counseling, but no. She's happy with herself, i think, and I was not happy being the yo-yo, so I cut her out of my life 100%. Sure we were together for ten years, and we were best friends before that, but now that I think back on the memories, they are neither good nor bad, and that relationship was the biggest nothing that happened to me in all my 33 years alive. will we speak again? I don't know, but right now, I know that I just want to forget I ever knew her. She was a bad partner, and a worse friend.

[insofar]

Fair enough but on the other hand, one does have an instinct for these things, and also every relationship is different - just because I have 10 relationships doesn't necessarily mean I am prepared for the eleventh - just a thought.

Sure, I just took offense at his comparison of a serious, intimate relationship with a "close friendship". NC is usually recommended after a breakup when one party wants to get the other back; if there's still hope on both sides, there's definitely no need for NC. That said, it's probably over-recommended here a bit when it's really not necessary. Don't discount it due to that though; it's a very powerful tool for healing, often necessary.

[Cyprian]

I second (most of) that post!

[shes2smart]

If you have a physical wound you want to heal you don't keep picking at it and pulling off the scab. That just makes it bleed and be prone to infection.

 

Same with an emotional wound. NC gives your heart a chance to mend so that if/when you run into your ex (by choice or by chance) it's not like pulling off the scab.

 

Once you're healed, then you're in a better place to evaluate if a friendship is a good idea or not.

 

I'm friends with one ex. That relationship ended because we grew apart. We started dating in our late teens, broke up in our late 20's. It was an amicable a parting as a break-up can be.

 

The rest of my exes...I wish them well, I hope they are happy...but I don't feel any need to have any contact with a man who cheated on me or a man who was a raging alcoholic who was verbally abusive...even though I loved both of them at one point in my life.

 

I sleep just fine at night. So being at peace with those choices isn't an issue.