I think she wants me to propose. What do I do?

[zrehman]

Everything is the same when we talk, she tells me she loves me, she tells me she can't wait to see me, etc.. Things seem the same, but technically, we aren't together in her eyes and mine. But we still talk like we are.

[BetterKarma]

zrehman,

 

I just went back and read some of your previous posts. This is the same girl that you broke up with in Sept because you didn't know your feelings and got back together in Oct. Am I right?

 

Are you sure you're proposing because this is the right thing for you or that you're afraid of being alone? I know you're also lonely at Med school. Don't let that cloud your judgement.

[zrehman]

It definitley is not, I assure you. When I was not with her, I realized how much she really meant to me. Me not being with her for 3 weeks, opened up my eyes to her and me wanting to be with her.

[zrehman]

what about the asnwer to my last question?

[Daligal83]

Just make sure that you are really ready for this and you're doing it for the right reasons. I'm having trouble understanding why she's upset about you not proposing. It's not like you've been together for years and she's been waiting. You said you've been together for a year, right? What's the rush? If she wants to be engaged purely to ease her mind...I don't think that's the right reason. She should be secure in your relationship regardless.

 

Think of it this way...if you had stayed at home for Med School, would she still have been expecting a proposal?

 

In my opinion, if you're going to propose to ease her mind and so she'll feel more secure and be able to be in a relationship with you again, those are not the right reasons.

[heloladies21]

I hate to be giving advice to you on this topic friend because I terribly wanted this to work out, but most of what you've been told either by your brother or on here is misleading advice.

 

The engagement reason has nothing to do with breaking up with you. This is such a common thing for dumpers to do, to come up with some excuse to deflect them from saying "I'm just not as interested in you anymore." It would hurt you too much and make them feel guilty. So this way, they don't have to feel as much guilt. I promise you if you buy her the ring you'll just end up getting dumped anyways. Seen it happen all the time on here.

 

So now what to do? She basically dumped you and that means that no matter what she says about other guys, she will have no guilty conscience about being with any of them as she's single and free to do as she pleases. But this isn't even about what she wants, this is about what you want. You want a relationship with her or nothing at all as hanging around waiting for her to make up her mind about you has been proven 100% to lead to you getting false hope and her eventually dumping you for good.

 

Getting dumped is not a good sign. In situations like this, I've never seen it come back into a full-all out-successful relationship. It's gonna be really hard, but this is the beginning of the end and the sooner you realize the better.

[BetterKarma]

I thought I already answered that in Post #24.

 

Was there another question?

[Siriana]

I am still for talking with her about engagements.

 

I think it would be the right thing to talk about possible mariage, not speculate what she wants.

 

 

So I would call her, tell her what I want, ask her does she wants the same - and after a good talk you can surprise her with something romantic.

[BetterKarma]

I agree with Syrix.

 

We can only speculate what she's thinking but you really have to talk to her about it.

 

She will tell you what she wants. But make sure that's what you want too before you agree for the sake of agreeing.

[zrehman]

Well I understand where your coming from. But in my situation, she knows and I know that my family will have a hard time accepting her cause of our different religion faiths. My parents are strict and religion, while hers are not. So I THINK in her mind, she is worried that if she waits for 16 months and I come back, and tell me parents about her, and they dissapprove, that I will also tell her I can't be with her.

 

I have told her countless times that its not up to my parents, but what I want. But still, she will have that doubt in the back of her head and no matter how many times I say it, it won't go away. My proposing, is showing her that I am ready to take the next step and I am really serious about us and I don't just mean it by words.

 

right?

[Siriana]

We can't know what's in her mind.

Also most important thing necessary for a relationship to work is communicating.

Important things like marriage should be discussed - so whats the use of giving hints about it.

The only thing you can do is to sit down, and to talk with her.

You need to ask her why she wants you to have everything the same except being bf/gf.

You need to ask her does she want to be together as bf/gf.

Than you'll get your answer what about engagements.

If she's ready for good and solid relationship she should be ready to give honest answers to your questions.

 

After talking with her you'll have this situation much clearer.

 

Also you need to adress all the possible problems like family dislikes.

 

Also there is no good excuse not to talk it trough.

That's the only correct thing.

Until you are not talking about things, but guessing each other minds, you can't expect to be ready for marriage.

[Daligal83]

I don't mean to be negative...but if you're this unsure, is it really the right thing to do?

 

So you dated for a year and neither one of you have met the other's parents? Do they know you're dating? Have you talked to your parents about the situation at all to see what their take on it is?

 

The others are right, talk to her to find out what she really wants. But just remember that a proposal and marriage doesn't fix any problems. If she is that insecure in your relationship, she probably still will be after you propose.

[Parsley]

I think you've made your own mind up in that last post. Just be sure that it definitely is what you want. Now that I've seen some more posts I'm kinda worried that this is something you know she wanted, and now that things are shaken up between you, you're trying to win her over again by choosing to do the thing you remember she wanted. If you honestly honestly honestly want to get engaged to her for yourself, and she wants to because she'll be with you rather than anything else - then go for it.

[zrehman]

I think me talking to her about what she wants isn't the solution. Because she already told me what she wants when I arrived here a week later. She told me she wanted me to have proposed to her before I left. I think thats it.

 

I don't think she is dumping me, because if she was, she would have just told me straight out that she doesn't see this going anywhere and that she doesn't want this. But the fact that she is still coming and still introducing me to her mother tells me that she does want this to work, but is just having security issues. I know she will never tell me flat out, "I want you to propose to me"

[Siriana]

O.k. do what you feel is right.

[arwen]

To be honest, I'd never tell my bf that I want him to propose either. That kind of takes the 'surprise moment' away. I wouldn't care about the ring either. Not price-wise at least. The ring shows you know what she likes on her finger I think.

 

Arwen

[zrehman]

To be honest, I'd never tell my bf that I want him to propose either. That kind of takes the 'surprise moment' away. I wouldn't care about the ring either. Not price-wise at least. The ring shows you know what she likes on her finger I think.

 

Arwen

 

So are you saying from reading my post, that she wants me to propose to her? Cause technically after yesterday we are not bf/gf. We are still the same, talk the same, say love you the same except for the label, but we are not together.

Do you think she wants me to propose when she comes in March?

[xmrth]

That makes no sense, though. You're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but everything else is the same. It's so confusing, because other than that it sounded like she really wanted you to, but it's weird that she sounds like she thinks you're -supposed to-. Like you going away to school means you're supposed to propose... and now she's all confused and needs to find herself or whatever that nonsense is about, but now she can be single but have you just the way she's always had you. I mean think about that; you're boyfriend and girlfriend without the title of that, which means you're both single, but still have eachother. So then what's with her wanting marriage if it's so easy to be something without the title of boyfriend and girlfriend?

I mean really, if you're not boyfriend and girlfriend then you should tell her you're not going to do boyfriend and girlfriend things. It sounds like games to me... I think she did want you to, but now she's just playing games.

[RayKay]

I think if she is wanting a proposal because she wants "security" it is the wrong reason; "commitment" is something that comes from within the heart and mind, ring or not. You can be committed without marriage, and not committed with it. If she does not feel a commitment to you WITHOUT the marriage, than she will not feel it with it.

 

I suspect she has an idealized view of marriage, or feels pressure from friends, and feels it would fix these issues. Wrong reasons to get married in my opinion.

 

If you have never even met one anothers families, and her reaction to you not proposing (after only a year together and given your ages) is to want to break up; again, red flags.

 

Sorry, but I am concerned HER idea of commitment is a bit askew as well if that was her response.

[blender]

Your decision on "what to do" should not be based on what you "think she wants or not" it should come from your own heart. Ask yourself IF you want to committ to this girl.. and then follow your heart and your intelligence with confidence and honesty..this will lead you to the BEST outcome for you.

 

If you want to get a nice ring, because YOU feel you want to do it that way, then get a ring, one you can afford, (you can always get her another ring when you have more financial security) the meaning of the ring is more of a "symbol" of your commitment more than your "financial status"...

 

and IF YOU really want to committ, then for now just be kind on the phone, try not to discuss "engagement" and when she comes in in March, then you can "propose" from your heart, based on YOUR feelings, not based on whether she wants it or backed you into a corner, or whatever..

 

Base all your choices in life on how YOU what you feel is respectful, honest, and sincere. She will either jump for joy saying "yes", or she might say "i'm not sure yet".. either way you will know that you did what was "honest" for YOU...

 

and "if" the two of you are going to build a love on a solid, mature, honest, loyal, committed foundation.. well then it starts with your own self respect and honesty for what YOU are feeling... and then communicating this to her in a kind direct sincere way...

 

and it might be nice and also respectful and important to meet her family first, and in the meantime just be loving and attentive to her... reassuring her you love her, if that is your honest feeling.. if she brings up engagement again as the "reason" she would "feel better" about the two of you right now, then kindly say to her, "Honey, you know I love you, and I just want to ask you in the "right" way, because you are so special to me, and you can trust that my love for you is real, sincere and trustworthy, whether we are in the same room or miles apart...please relax and let's trust each others love right now, one step at a time".

[arwen]

So are you saying from reading my post, that she wants me to propose to her? Cause technically after yesterday we are not bf/gf. We are still the same, talk the same, say love you the same except for the label, but we are not together.

Do you think she wants me to propose when she comes in March?

 

No, I am just saying that I'd never hint at it that way. The whole not being gf/bf certainly makes it more difficult... I am not clear on the situation, how can you be not together but also not broken up? I hope she's not playing with you. Please be careful with situations where it's not clear what the status of the commitment/relationship is. These thing can be recipes for disaster.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[DN]

You can analyse what she may or may not want or be thinking for ever. And if you talk to her you may get an answer that is a true reflection of what she wants. How you would phrase that question however is problematical because you put her between a rock and a hard place - how is she supposed to respond to a question like 'do you want me to propose to you now?'

 

The acid test is how she will respond to a proper proposal. Ideally you should do it soon and do it face to face in a romantic rather than a pragmatic way. And you should say clearly that you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your lives and ask her if she will marry you.

 

Any other answer than 'yes, please' will tell you all you need to know about the future of this relationship.

 

Just make sure you really do want to marry her.

[friscodj]

I am a Med school student

 

I have two best friends who were in medical school and tried to have serious relationships. They both don't know each other but tell me the same things...how they cannot believe any relationship can survive medical school.

 

They've seen a lot of break ups and divorces in medical school. In their respective personal circumstances, one break up involved me! The other involved breaking up for a year, getting back together, and just now a few years later getting engaged and plans for marriage this summer during his residency.

 

So my advice is think long and hard about this one, seriously consider waiting until you graduate and really kick the tires on this relationship to see if it can survive medical school before taking it to the next step and subsequently adding complication to and emotional investment in it.

[Devchonka]

This is the best advice I have heard anywhere. Communication is the most important thing you can do. The last line...I wanted to applaud. EXACTLY.

 

As far as the proposal...after reading everything on your thread I can tell you she will calm down after your proposal. Also, you need to surprise her....talk to her about it when she comes...then find a weekend, fly out to her (call her a day in advance to make it a surprise but not crazy as in she's not home for the weekend) tell her you've missed her and wanted to see her for the weekend. Then propose. Bing bang boom. You have your serious face to face talk about everything, and -if everything still feels right- a fiance.

[lady00]

I have two best friends who were in medical school and tried to have serious relationships. They both don't know each other but tell me the same things...how they cannot believe any relationship can survive medical school.

 

They've seen a lot of break ups and divorces in medical school. In their respective personal circumstances, one break up involved me! The other involved breaking up for a year, getting back together, and just now a few years later getting engaged and plans for marriage this summer during his residency.

 

So my advice is think long and hard about this one, seriously consider waiting until you graduate and really kick the tires on this relationship to see if it can survive medical school before taking it to the next step and subsequently adding complication to and emotional investment in it.

 

Great advice! It's rough being in med school (I'm told by firends) and it can be a relationship killer if the relationship isn't strong enough. Then again I know two couples who got engaged and married while the guys was in med school and the women were both in demanding graduate programs, so it really depends on the couple. Interestingly, both couples were together before the guys started med school so that may have something to do with it but I wouldn't say it's definitive.