How long before marriage?

[Just A Teen]

Alright so after a few lectures by the parents I was wondering how long should a person be together before becoming married? Here's the reason I ask.

 

After talking to a lot of older generations people in their 40's + most of them got married extremely early. My parents personally were only together 6 months and then 6 months of engagement, but they have been married for 25 years now. Divorce rates are insane these days, which isn't hard to believe. From the lectures I've received. its because the younger generations date too long before getting married, and after dating for 6 years and not having that commitment what keeps you from staying. It's a little rediculous I'm sure the dating world changes later on but, I couldn't imagine engaging someone only after 6 months and then marrying them. I've noticed the people that give these kind of lectures yes they have been together forever and are not divorced, but they have crappy marriages. Maybe it's just me? Any input?

[applejack]

When these older people were younger, marriage was the only way. Cohabitation and pre-marital sex were taboo. And they were taught that you stick it out in a marriage, and don't run at the first sign of trouble. After all, that is what marriage is.

 

I think that the reason many marriages end in divorce is the obvious...people are not truly in love when they marry. Note that I said many, not all. They marry someone just because they've been with them for 3 years, and they think that it is just the thing to do.

 

I don't buy the crap about "they've dated too long". If there are problems in a partnership, they will eventually surface whether a couple is married or dating. When would you rather it happen?

 

To answer you question...how long should you date someone?: When you find the right person, there will be no reservations. You will be in tune with them at every level. There will be no cold feet the night before the wedding. You will feel joy, and excitement at the thought of spending your lives together. Everything will just feel right. Everything.

 

If everything does not feel right, DO NOT MARRY!!! Just from personal experience....if you don't feel in sync with them at 6 months, you aren't going to feel it at 6 years. Move on, and keep searching-even if you have to wait until you are 40.

[shes2smart]

I wish I could remember where I read this, but I don't...

 

A study was being quoted that said the odds of a couple staying married were better if said couple was married within 18 months of their first date.

 

From my own experiences and observations, if you know you want to be in a marriage relationship and you're past, say, your mid-20's and you "don't know" if you want to be married to someone after you've been with them for about a year, you probably don't want to be married to that person.

 

I was in several long-term relationships (2+ years) that did not end in marriage. I was with my last bf for about 2.5 years...we lived together for about a year of that time...when I left, he still hadn't quite figured out if he wanted to be with me.

 

The guy I married proposed one week after our first date. He says he KNEW within a few minutes of meeting me that he HAD TO be with me. We were married less than a year after we met. Best decision either of us has ever made.

 

More than time frames, though, I really think it comes down to what each partner's relationship goals are. Both my husband and I had marriage as a goal for ourselves before we ever met each other. When we met and all the other things fell into place (common interests, similar sense of humor, attraction, "chemistry"), then getting married was the next logical step.

[g1234567890h]

You know, there is in fact no real data about the chances of marriages or long term relationships succeeding. All we know are divorce rates. Through several broad case studies we can gather some data about why some relationships work or don't work, but in truth nodoby really know because it's different for everyone. The system is way too complex to narrow it down a few deciding factors in what makes a relationship work.

 

Life is not a fairy tale. Love is not a simple thing. It works for some people, doesn't for others. It's stricty a case by case basis. I have different criteria for marriage. Before we get married we both need to have at least a bachelor's degree, a place to live, and provisions to pursue graduate degrees. That might sound rediculous to some people, but that's the only way it would work for me.

[arwen]

I think you describe something that I was no where near thinking about at your age. Ok, I wasn't thinking about relationships period at that time, but still. I recognize a lot in what you say, and I am one of the lucky people who has conservative parents, but who are open enough to see that what they thought was right in their time, might have changed a lot nowadays.

 

Girl, I just want to urge you to find out what YOU are looking for (in life generally but relationships and commitment in particular since that is the topic). In time, when you will start living on your own maybe in a few years, you will notice that your opinions on the matter will be reshaped. You live at home, where there is a predominant idea about marriage in this way you described. I think that when you will have your first relationship, it doesn't matter if that is meant to be forever, it's meant to learn you what you are looking for. At least, that is how it happened for me. My first committed relationship (4 years) didn't end up in marriage. If it would have, I'd be VERY unhappy now, because there was a clear reason why the relationship didn't work out. Now that I am 26, I met the man that for the first time makes me feel I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think THAT is the most important thing, and that comes with experience usually. I think what shes2smart shared above is indicative of what happens with a lot of people. I think that the moment you KNOW is what it is about.

 

My parents I think are 'liberal' in this sense because they had this KNOWING as well. Their story is the same as the one of shes2smart. My father KNEW that 'this is the one I should be with'. My mom was not that convinced, so they had a relationship of about 2 years I guess before they got married. They are the happiest couple I know, after 30 years of being married. The same holds for the grandfather/mother of my moms side, but not of my fathers side. They had more of a functional family, but there were tensions and romance was scarce.

 

I think that it's hard to generalize 'the right way'. I am the first gf of my boyfriend, as he puts it, I just didn't try anything before I had that feeling of knowing for sure. I on the other hand, tried a lot of relationships which all failed. The difference is that my bf knew what he was looking for and waited until it happened, and I just went looking and learned what I needed afterwards

 

I hope this helps you.

 

Arwen

[Batya33]

You're forgetting that a woman of 60 who's been married 35-40 years may have gotten divorced had she gotten married 20 years later, because of increased options for women, divorce having less of a stigma, etc.

 

In some ways it's a crap shoot - I say in general it's not a great idea to get married before knowing someone a full year - through all the seasons, etc. - I do not think long engagements or unofficial engagements (meaning, no real wedding date) are a good idea either unless you're still finishing college or graduate school.

 

It also depends how you met the person (if you know him already or your family does), whether each of you have been married before, whether there are kids involved, etc.

 

I do agree that dating for years without being married is not a good idea if one person really wants to commit and the other doesn't because that builds resentment and distance.

[annie24]

You're forgetting that a woman of 60 who's been married 35-40 years may have gotten divorced had she gotten married 20 years later, because of increased options for women, divorce having less of a stigma, etc.

 

I agree, the stigma of divorce is not as bad as it has been in previous generations.

 

From my own experiences and observations, if you know you want to be in a marriage relationship and you're past, say, your mid-20's and you "don't know" if you want to be married to someone after you've been with them for about a year, you probably don't want to be married to that person.

 

And I think I agree with this. I am sure that there are exceptions. 6 months is maybe too early, but after 2 years, you should hopefully know the person well enough to know if they are right for you or not. This is, like S2S said, targeted to people in their mid-20s and older. While people are still in school, figuring out their careers, I think dating is different than it is for two single people in their 40s or 50s. People who maybe know what they want and what they don't more clearly than a 20 year old, who is still finding their way.

 

PS - why are these people lecturing you?

[Getting Better]

I think marrigage should happen when both persons are ready for it.

[rocio]

I think a couple should date for a minimum of a year before getting married.

[jengh]

It definitely completely varies on the couple... however, like hazey, i think they should date for at LEAST a year... be engaged for 6 months or so...

[Just A Teen]

Well I was in a relatinoship for 2 years and after that I knew I Couldn't be with that person.....And after seeing how my parents were only together for 6 months before getting engaged and only waiting like another 4 months, they are a very unhappy couple. My dad treats my mother like complete utter garbage. So I once said I dont see why they didn't wait longer because I think a good year and a half can really bring out a person, because the beginning is always best in a relationship. So of course you are going to want to charish that moment. Like Batya said is true with divorce now....My old relationship other believed in divorce a lot because the family's mom had divorced 4 times...So they always had that sense that it's okay to divorce.. I'm a very anti divorce, unless the person is seriously unhappy and never will be kind of thing? So the lecture was to give me a lesson about what truly ''marriage is'' which, if my parents is marriage then i dont want it...

[assumeLove]

It takes at least 3 months for some serious personality flaws and addictions to make themselves known, so I think everyone ought to wait at least that long, and longer if they're not really quick at picking up on such things.

 

And if you're not yet thinking this person you're dating looks like really good marriage material (good character, compatible habits, an approach to life you could live with, a good heart, shares your views about having kids), 3 months is time to get out, because time only improves things if it's a marriage-worthy match by this point.

 

Living together instead of marrying increases your chances of breaking up and your chances of divorcing if you do marry, especially if you're not already engaged when you move in together. Lots of us expect it might help us figure out if we've found the right person, but statistics from thoudands of couples says it has the opposite effect. If he's not marriage material, don't live with him.

 

Your parents' unhappy marriage most likely has nothing to do with choosing the wrong person. It comes from marrying without learning how to be married and from accepting the anger, resentment, and unhappiness as normal or necessary. They aren't. My first husband died before I learned (or even heard of) any of the skills that make marriage easier. We loved each other fiercely and still ended up almost as unhappy as our parents before us. My second marriage is a piece of cake, because we both learned how to avoid the pitfalls before we married.

[arwen]

If you want to avoid divorce (well, not that you CAN but you can decrease the chance I think), don't get married unless you are very sure of it. That means: if you have a stable relationship for a longer time (I'd say around 2 years at least, certainly when you are younger), you have an income of your own, you know you have the same future wishes (family or not, who will work for how many hours, etc), you can trust your partner 100%.

 

At 17, I think it's hard to commit to a marriage anyway. Just enjoy dating, see what happens, etc. I think if your parents are this unhappy, they are probably not the example you want to follow, right? Listen to them and accept their advice (they say these things out of love and being concerned for you I am sure), but in the end, follow your own heart when it comes to choices of the heart.