HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Some background first; My best friend is a man. We met on a blind date almost 2 years ago. We hit it off immediately and were inseparable for about 4 months. Then we decided it' wasn't the 'forever, get married' kind of relationship and decided to be just friends. He's the kind of friend that will be my "date" at parties, work or social. He helps me fix things around my house. And I do stuff for him. When we go out, be it dinner or anything, he INSISTS on paying. He rarely will let me meet him somewhere or at his house, he also insists on picking me up for whatever it is we're doing. We went on vacation together last year and he rarely let me pay for anything! My Christmas gift from him was a $150.00 tattoo that I'd been wanting for a number of years but wasn't willing to drop the cash for ( I gave him a necklace he'd been wanting ).....My other friends and coworkers cannot believe we're not a couple. They say we send off a 'vibe'. He calls me 'babe'', signs his emails to me 'love' and will usually say "love ya" when we we hang up on the phone or leave each other....He always wants to sit on the same side of the restaurant booth with me, instead of accross from each other. He will reach out and hold my hand while we're out....He makes 'sexual innuendo jokes' toward me on occasion. (not distasteful or demeaning, just jokes)...We've talked about a lot of things over the years and he knows that I have the desire to one day be married again and grow old with someone. His response is always "be picky, you're a very special lady"......Last year he sent flowers to my work for my birthday and again for Valentine's day, which are a day apart...So, last night he called, my son answered the phone and I saw on the ID it was him, so I picked up the extension in the middle of him asking my son to '"get Mom's work address, I lost it". I quickly hung up and waited for my son to tell me he was on the phone. So, I'm guessing he's planning to send me flowers again this year......My question, am I reading too much into this? Is he just a really great friend? Or does he have feelings for me that for whatever reason he's not ready to disclose yet? Is it just wishful thinking on my part because I have to be honest and say, if he asked me to marry him, my answer would be 'yes' for so many reasons...... I'm so confused over this, so thoughts, advice, suggestions, 2 cents, whatever you've got, let me have it Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Of course he is in love with you! I dont any guy that would do all that for a "friend". I dont know many guys who do that for their girlfriends. If you love him more than a friend, then you should go for it. Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 If you love him more than a friend, then you should go for it.I tired that once about 5 months back, he stuck to his story of not the forever kind of love! His words and his actions are completely opposite. Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Sounds kinda like he's scared of comittment....then again, it sounds like his in for the long haul...I can see where your confused! Link to comment
g1234567890h Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I was friends with a girl for a while and after a few dates we decided to stay just friends. I have a girlfriend right now but I still buy my friend flowers and make her feel loved. I give flowers to a lot of my friends on special days like Valentines day and birthdays. When we go out I insist on paying. It also goes the other way, too. My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends and she goes out with them on practice dates and hangs out with them when they're lonely. She's a sitter, so sometimes they tell her that they love her and they want to be with her. We're both really secure in our relationship. I think for you it really depends. You should talk to him about it. You can try dating again and see where things go. Maybe you really are dating and it took two years for you to get here. Link to comment
Jayar Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I tired that once about 5 months back, he stuck to his story of not the forever kind of love! His words and his actions are completely opposite. Well, they aren't REALLY opposite... You're just not hearing what he's clearly saying (and doing). Happens to the best of us... He is fairly clearly saying you are special, and he enjoys hanging out with you and treating you all special, but he doesn't love you in that way. And by his actions, he is clearly showing you he thinks you are special, he enjoys hanging out with you, but (since he doesn't enter a relationship with you) he is also fairly clearly stating he doesn't love you in that way. What it's time for you to decide is, is this good enough for you? Are you more happy than stressed? If so, enjoy your FRIENDSHIP. If not, then get rid of the toxic in your life, you know? Pull back a little. The fact is, he isn't gonna be what you want him to be, no matter HOW MUCH you want him to be. It only feels like he is leading you on because you are almost in a way leading yourself on... Despite his words and actions. It's only obvious to those of us outside your relationship. You are not foolish or anything. Just stop torturing yourself. All the best! 1 Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 Jayar, you said exactly what I feel is in my heart. I guess I just needed someone to say the words! Thanks! For the record, I'm not happy with just being friends.... Link to comment
Reluctant Rebuilder Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Maybe he likes the feeling of being in a couple-like situation with you but the freedom to come and go as he wants. Seriously if he has no one else in his life, why not lavish attention and love on someone that you really care about but don't see a future with. It's all very logical to me. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I'm curious to know if he dates other woman? Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 yeah, I agree with Jayar. it sounds like he is crazy about you.... but only as a friend. Have you been dating other men? He seems pretty fond of you, I wonder if the prospect of maybe losing you might make him feel that "forever kind of love" for you again? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I'm curious to know if he dates other woman? I'm wondering the same thing. I also wonder if maybe he does feel more for you, but is afraid to "ruin a good thing"-- since your relationship seem so perfect. Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Yeah, this is one of the "too good to be true" type of friendships! You said the last time you tried for something a bit more intimate, it was 5 months ago. Maybe you could start CAREFULLY putting out the feelers for another test of the relationship? Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 I'm curious to know if he dates other woman?Not to my knowledge. He works shifts, 7 days on, 1 day off and always has something planned for us that day. Have you been dating other men? He seems pretty fond of you, I wonder if the prospect of maybe losing you might make him feel that "forever kind of love" for you again?I have been dating some, told him I was, but have not disclosed details of my dates and he doesn't ask...I've thought of this, but can't seem to come to terms with him being gone in my life all together, as I am afraid that is what would happen :sad: Maybe you could start CAREFULLY putting out the feelers for another test of the relationship?Don't think I can go thru that heartbreak again if it doesn't work out. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 well, I'm not saying leave him forever. just wondering how he reacts if he thinks there is a man who is making a serious play for you? have you dated anyone seriously since him? yeah, and is he dating? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Have you thought of asking him what exactly is missing that prevents yours from being a "forever" relationship, when he spends all his free time with you and seems to think the world of you? Where is his logic? Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 Have you thought of asking him what exactly is missing that prevents yours from being a "forever" relationship, when he spends all his free time with you and seems to think the world of you? Where is his logic?Yes, we've discussed on a few occasions. He says "IT" is just not there. He's looking for his soulmate and doesn't think I am it. He always just says "you're my best friend" well, I'm not saying leave him forever. just wondering how he reacts if he thinks there is a man who is making a serious play for you? have you dated anyone seriously since him? yeah, and is he dating?I think it has gotten to the point of ALL or nothing for me. I don't know how he'd react, honestly. He always just says for me to be 'picky' of the men I choose.....serious dating, not really.....He isn't dating as far as I know. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 I freaking hate "IT." Whatever it is, i don't like it. blah. I think you should go by what he says and accept it. I think it is entirely possible that when you finally move on and meet someone new, he'll realize what he may lose and make a serious play for you. it happens all the time...... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Sometimes I think people are so fixated on IT and what IT must be like (absolutely perfect/non existant) that they wouldn't know IT if IT bit them in the face! Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 Annie and Hope, I agree totally...............thanks everyone all for the wonderful words. I have a lot to think about now......will keep you posted. Link to comment
b2761 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 There is that 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' sound to this. Sure, he's paying for things, giving you attention, but he is free to do what he wants and he does get something out of it- which is the admiration vibe from you and your son. If you want more, than I think you probably need to tell him things have to change. I've likened it in the past to interviewing for a job, and everyone there is great, and they like you, but they say "Sorry- we're not hiring now. But you're welcome to hang out whenever you want- we think you're cool." So, you might do that for the day, you might come back a couple more times, but after awhile, you start to remember that you need money to pay your bills cause they're going to be overdue, and since this place hasn't hired you, they're not paying you anything. At some point, you have to pick yourself up and say "Well- this is a great place- but I also need to make some money somewhere." The most important quality two people should share is they want the same arrangement. Even if you have everything in common and it 'feels' real compatible, if you don't want the same thing, you're cheating yourself and eventually you feel it and often start to resent the person, cause basically, they have evaluated you and decided "Nah". Who knows- maybe if you start seeing some other guys, he might snap out of it and see he has more serious feelings than he thinks he does- but he sounds scared of commitment, and you have to realize that even if you do meet someone else and hangout guy asks you to break it off cause he's seen the light, you still would be taking a risk that once he had you, he'd start to feel things were 'too serious' again. Trust is crucial- and a critical part is trusting that the other person isn't going to flake out on you. (and regarding him saying 'be picky of men'- he might feel safe to say that if he feels he treats you so 'well' that you actually wouldn't make the effort to be with someone else! I wonder how much he'd enjoy being front row center watching you marry someone else!) 1 Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 ummm... do your dates include sex, or just emotional intimacy, and not real dating... my fear would be that he is really happy with having you as a friend, and relying on you, but if he meets someone else he does want to really date, you will be sitting there listening to him tell you how great she is... the problem isn't how great friends you are, but that you are wanting more, and he seems to be happy to 'pseudo' date, i.e., be really close, but not really your boyfriend... so for your own sake, really talk to him about this, and if he doesn't want to date you as a boyfriend, then maybe you should seriously start looking for someone else, and not substitute a pseudo boyfriend for the real thing... Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 ummm... do your dates include sex, or just emotional intimacy, and not real dating... .My dates with him do not include sex. The closest we come to that is lieing on the couch side by side while watching TV. ... "real" dating ? I go along for a while perfectly OK with just being friends, then out of the blue it hits me I want more.........Maybe it's just a classic case of wanting what I can't have! Link to comment
KileOriginal Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 None of this adds up. There's something your not telling us. Guys don't just do this for no apparent reason. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Are you sure he is NOT gay or anything like that? I've been in a similar situation like yours. My first ex was like that. We dated and had a pseudo-relationship. Nothing really sexual. He did some sexual things for me (only because he felt bad that I was so into him and helped him out so much), but he would never kiss me, be naked with me or anything like that. I was puzzled by him but he spent all his time with me and we slept in the same bed and he would hold me in his arms. We held hands when we went out. We never really discussed the relationship but later he admitted to me that he had gay feelings and didnt know how to deal with them. Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 3, 2007 Author Share Posted February 3, 2007 I've told you everything I can think of .....NO he's not gay! And we had sex many times while we were still a "couple". When we decided to just be friends, sex was no longer part of the deal. Link to comment
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