what's with people saying they want to be friends?

[pacopaco]

I mean, really. what is up with that, and why does it seem to be a universal cop-out? I don't get it. I've been through too much pain to be friends with my ex, but that's what she says she wants. She wants to be how we were before we were together. Though I see the beauty in that, I have also been through too much to be put into this pool of people she calls friends, mainly co-workers. Why cannot a person either let go of you, or try and work on the issues of the breakup/cheating/ rift in your connection? I'm open to being friends, but not "Just Friends." it seems childish and silly to me, so why do people want it?

[Day_Walker]

I think that it is an idealistic notion, because things are not going to be the way they were. Personally I would have said sure we can be friends, the kind of friends that hardly even talk and never talk on the phone.

[meantime]

It does tend to feel like a slap in the face doesn't it. The runner-up prize...I can't be with you but guess what...you still get to be my friend. The dumper tends to do it out of guilt and the dumpee will take the bait bc the idea of being without that person is too much to bear at the time...in the long run you can not be friends at least not anywhere near the break up.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes people want to stay friends because they didn't work out as a couple, mainly because of incompatabilities, or no "feelings". Doesnt mean that one or the other person hurt each other, cheated, or did something bad.

 

I would stay friends with an ex. It is not easy, but if the other person meant something to you and was willing to put effort into staying friends, I would do it.

 

It isn't a BAD thing, contrary to what people on here like to say about it.

[Parsley]

It can work - it has worked for me in the past. But it needs to come out of an honestly mutual decision - not a "mutual" decision. If you both agree that being together isn't going to work, but you are extremely close as friends, why throw a good friend and advice giver away? When I broke up with my previous ex to the one I'm getting over now, we said we would remain friends, and it took a lot of hard work and was NOT easy, definitely not a cop out. We decided to still do the things we had planned. This meant that two weeks after we broke up, we went to London three times within a week, to see Woman in Black, the Blue Man Group and Take That. The first two were birthday presents to each other, and he had taken my spare ticket to Take That to prevent me having to choose one of my best friends and causing an argument. It was difficult, and after that week I didn't know if we'd made the right choice, and we grew apart. Later on in the year we had to go to Paris together for a week - a holiday we'd booked whilst together and couldn't get a refund on or change names. I was dreading it. We had a big argument beforehand and I thought it would end with one of us going 'In Seine' (sorry, I couldn't resist). But as it turned out, it was a great week. Ok...it wasn't easy being in the most romantic city in the world with only my ex...but it was still fun, and we were just good friends. He told me a few months later that he's gay...which was not as much of a shock as you'd think - but even that has made us better friends. He's been fantastic in making me feel good about myself again, and a great shoulder to cry on.

 

It depends on the people and the circumstances. It can work!

[renaissancewoman101]

^ I agree with you, it can work.

 

I just feel sad about how people on here constantly are naysayers about how being friends with an ex will turn out. Sometimes people work out better as friends than as date material.

 

I always try to be hopeful about things, when it comes to affairs of the heart.

 

I am hoping one day maybe to recontact my ex and have some sort of contact with him. I know he wasnt right for me, but I dont hate him. I dont want him back either. But I like staying friends with people in my past.

[pacopaco]

hmmm... I guess my situation is a bit different. The last time I spoke with my ex girlfriend, that's what she told me, that she needed a friend. She cheated on me, and her affair didn't work out for her. I told her that we could be friends, but we'd end up talking about the same things i.e. what caused her to cheat, and why she treated me badly.

At one point in the conversation, she said she trusted me to know what was best for us both, but she didn't want a relationship. I also feel that I don't want to get into a relationship right now, but we still do love each other. She said so, and so did I. because it was her boss she cheated with, who still says to her that he's a friend, I opted out of the "friend" deal. If he's a friend of hers ( a lying, cheating SOB who knew about me, and was looking to get into her pants, and another girl that works there), I really don't want to be put into that category. It feels a lot like being used. She wants advice from me, and she wants support, fine, but what am I going to get? I told her I couldn't do that, that I deserve more.

I may have made a mistake, as I did tell that I wanted to friends and take things slow, start over, and rediscover ourselves, and deal with the pain together, but with the thought in mind of being together.She messed herself up pretty good in doing what she did, but I can't be this sideline guy, and that's what it feels like to me. I'm no one's Dr. Phil! I asked her to not call me again.

here she was talking about how we should take a road trip, and do things. In my mind i'm thinking "HUH?" I don't know where it's going, because we did have a very beautiful friendship before we got together.

[spikespiegel]

I've never understood the whole "let's be friends" thing either. Once you've got to know someone as intimately as you do in a serious relationship, there is just no possible way to forget those things you know about them, and for a while after you break up, there is just no way to be friends, at least in my opinion.

 

All it does is exactly what someone up above said. It helps out the dumper by relieving some of their guilt, and makes the dumpee feel worse by continuing to talk and keeping their hopes up.

[Orlander]

Everyone's different. Every relationship is different. If it doesn't feel right to be with someone after you are no longer with them, then it probably isn't right.

 

It's always been easier for me to remain friends with an ex after I was in another relationship.

 

Ultimately, there is no right or no wrong regarding this issue.

 

However, beware of the tendencies of your exs....

 

My ex commited some of the worst post-breakup no-nos including:

 

1. saying there was a good "chance" we would reconcile the relationship in the future

2. she broke up with me but wanted to cuddle and spend the night from time to time

3. she wanted me for sex

 

I think we can all universally agree that in order to heal you must have as little contact with your ex as possible until you are "healed"

 

 

Orlander

[Honey_30]

i have to say i have only stayed friends with one ex..and that is basically because we have a daughter together.and things would be to messy for her.

 

i cant be friends with a ex..i mean i dont wanna hear about the new love ect..no thanks.. when its over its over.. i admire ppl who still have feelings for a ex..and stay friends with them but persoanlly i think its a way of holding on to any last part of them..

 

unless of course you no longer have any feelings for them then i guess it could work

[GuitarmanIII]

Perhaps I'm shallow or overly sensitive, but Meantime seems to have summed up my feelings about the 'Jerry-Elaine' ideal: I feel like I would be second best, or runner-up.

 

I could have spent the rest of my life with my X. She wants to remain friends...to the point where she has written me scathing letters...perpetuating contact. It has been tough but I haven't responded or had conatct in over a month. We WERE best friends (as she so eloquently reminded me) and she now has a bf. Done.

 

I feel like I would be second best, or runner-up. No way. It's been 5/6 months and I'm still not ready...not even close.

 

Maybe in a few years...

G

[renaissancewoman101]

I have been "second best" most of my life to my parents and to everybody. Sometimes, I just take what I can get, even if it means being second best.

 

But that's how I am.

 

Not saying it's the healthiest way to do things.

[Orlander]

You are NOT second best, renaissancewoman.

 

Its really tough, but you have to dissassociate yourself from your exes. You can't be runner-up in a race when you have pulled yourself out of it.

 

 

Orlander

[Parsley]

Does anyone remember that scene from friends where they talk about what cliches really mean?

"You're such a nice guy means - I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics and complaining about them...to you"

 

Just the second best thing reminded me of it. And I guess you're right...at the moment the idea of my most recent ex talking to me about a new girl would tear me apart...but then again we're not talking, and I don't expect it to happen any time soon.

 

Of course I haven't just forgotten everything that happened between the ex I am good friends with and myself...it just doesn't hurt to think about it anymore. We've accepted that we weren't ever 'meant to be' and now we can talk about our days together, Jerry and Elaine style. To some extent. In some respects I think we're doing better than Jerry and Elaine. Though maybe a huge chunk of that is the fact that my ex is gay now and so neither of us are hoping for anything from each other.

[anggrace]

I've never understood the whole "let's be friends" thing either. Once you've got to know someone as intimately as you do in a serious relationship, there is just no possible way to forget those things you know about them, and for a while after you break up, there is just no way to be friends, at least in my opinion.

 

All it does is exactly what someone up above said. It helps out the dumper by relieving some of their guilt, and makes the dumpee feel worse by continuing to talk and keeping their hopes up.

 

I can see how it would seem that way, and in some cases that may be it, but....

 

Im very good friends with my ex. and his girlfriend. He calls me or I call him atleast 2 times a month for the last five years. I feel no jealousy when Im with him and his girl, even if there suckin face. I know she was uncomfortable with it at first (understandable) but now she trusts that we have no intention of ever getting together. EVER.

 

I think it is possible to remain friends but depends on the break up. I never said, "lets be friends" when we broke up, it just seemed right. We didnt have a very bad break up. We were together for 4 years. Some people just make better friends, and if the two of you realize that and come to terms with it, why not be friends?

[renaissancewoman101]

why do people frown so much on "being friends" right after a breakup?

 

It seems as though everybody insists that there must be this " healing time apart" that spans from 6 months to a year.

[Juha]

Ren I just can't do it... I tried but all I do is hurt myself with my feelings for her...

 

I care about her so much and love her but can't have anything to do with her...

 

I am a strong individual but do not need to be reminded of what I had and the mistake(s) that I made, it hurts to much...

 

Sad, is it not???

 

 

[i2oadi2unnei2]

There's many ways to slice and dice this question, but for me, I'll be friends after my heart no longer yearns for her love and affection. It generally takes anywhere from 6mos to a year for that to subside. Until then, I'm staying away as much as possible!

[need2bme]

juha: Well said. The ex wants to continue to be friends. How can we? I want to hold her and kiss her. Not just wait around and not talk about us.

 

Besides, after being so close, how can you not talk about us. I need to feel better about myself and being reminded of what I lost, is never going to do that.

[leofromearth]

renaissance woman...

 

its only possible if u were just friends in a relationship and after breakup you wanna remain friends.

but if both are in love and things dont work out, where do u draw a line. its so awkward when r love calls and you dont know what to talk about, cause u have already let them in ur personal life and you need to start filtering nformation. it gets ugly to a pint where u start questioning urself as a good friend.

and its really hard on the opposite party to see you with other eople. they might not tell it to ur face , cause u r "friends", but it still lingers in their mind and heart.

 

so IMHO, there should be some time for the dust to settle down. time for both the parties to heal and move on. once u have the urger of making a new friend apart from ur current relationship, you vud always get bak to 'youknowwho'

 

why do people frown so much on "being friends" right after a breakup?

 

It seems as though everybody insists that there must be this " healing time apart" that spans from 6 months to a year.

[Wandering_Sword]

Having an ex as a friend is like Damocles' Sword. The sword sits above your head and that sucker will drop, maybe not now or tomorrow, but it will drop. My ex wanted to be friends, I told her that was not possible. I could not and will not stand around while the greatest love of my life was starting a relationship with someone else. Thus began (now) seven weeks of NC... But for those that have the cajones to stomach or endure the "friendship" more power to you.

[Pisces_Princess]

I was with my ex ex boyfriend for 6 years (between the ages of 25 and 31) and we are now great friends. We started out as friends, we were friends throughout our relationship, we ended up like brother & sister, but the one thing the relationship lacked was passion. I was never madly in love with him and he was not madly in love with me. It was easy and gentle but not all consuming. I think that is why we slipped so easily in to a friendship. In fact the only difference between our relationship then and now is that we are no longer intimate.

 

However, my recent ex is a different story all together. He is really pushing for friendship but I am not sure. He is ready to move on as friends, but I am still madly in love with him so at the moment it wouldn't be equal.

 

Plus I have met my ex ex's new girlfriend but if my current ex told me he had a new girlfriend I would want to kill her!!!! xxx