Closure Email... Is this good?

[sara_0562]

Ok I have decided to send my ex who broke up with me almost three weeks ago a final email before i plan to never speak to him again unless he contacts me. I just feel like i have to send this last email and make sure i have said everything i have to say. SO this is what i plan to say... i just dont want tosound to needy and i want him to know that im really trying to move on but i still love him... i dont want tosound needy either.. i dont know let me know what you think...

 

Hey ***

 

Well this will be the last email i send you. I know i have said this before but i think it finally clicked in my head what you really want and its not me anymore and i need to respect that. I understand about your reasoning for not being able to do this anymore and I really have tried to respect that but you know it was hard for me.

 

I guess today I finally realized that since we broke up over three weeks ago you haven't attempted to call me, text me or email me first. you have only sometimes responded to my attempts at contact. And i dont know why i kept trying to contact you and didn't get the hint that you didn;t want to hear from me. I tend to look over the obvious things in hopes that im reading the situation wrong. I just cant keep messaging you random "hi's" and "how are you" cause i expect way to much from it and its not going to help me move on and i know its not going to get you back. Its not that i dont LOVE hearing from you i just cant keep being the only one that attempts contact. I wish and wait for the day you call me or email me.

 

And your sweet by saying you want to remain friends cause thats usually what the dumper says to help lighten the blow of a break up. But im not stupid i know you would rather let this whole part of your life go.

 

I would have been on a plane today or possibly already there in your arms. I wish we could have held on longer and made it to be able to see eachother. Cause i know if we would have seen eachother sooner this might not have happened.

 

And then i hold on to the littlest things like your phone. I didn't want to send it because it was the last thing that we had to clear up in are relationship. but then i sent it... i let go. BUt you know me i still hold on. I thought when you got the package and saw my writting or saw the stuff from are relationship you would call me and say you need me in your life more then anything and would want me back. but that didn't happen.

 

My heart still stops when i see you come online or i see you online on myspace. I dont know when that will stop but i hope soon. And i cant stop thinking about the memories we had together. I dont think i had more fun with anyone else in my life. I was looking at that video on your myspace and that guy makes a noise like the "fog horn" that you used to do, it made me laugh so hard. And i had soooo many flash back to you doing it. And the quote from Ralph on the simpsons... i remember you always saying that. And for the record I think you road the short bus with a seat belt...lol jk.

 

You haven't told me anything about your state test so im not sure if you took it or not. But good luck on it. And if you dont pass the first time dont get down on yourself your a smart guy with a great amount of focus, just take it again and relax. And remember I always believed in you!!

 

Im sorry for anything i did wrong in are relationship. If you thought i was selfish i really do apologize cause i didn't realize i was acting like that.

 

I know you have new friends now and are starting to move on with your life. And even tho its hard for me to say i really do want you to be happy even if its not with me. You look good in your new pics and i can tell your doing well. I still love you and im not sure how long i will but im coming to terms with things and i will be ok. I still wish you were with me and you still saw are future together but you dont so its time to move on. and im really sorry for bothing you with messages and emails, i should have been stronger but i wasn't.

 

I really wish good health and happiness for you and your family. And I hope your dads doing well.

 

And ***, i hope that real estate is something that can make you happy in your life. I feel like you have been searching for soemthing since i met you and i hope your search will end with this new career. If its what you want you will be very successful and im proud of you.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

I love you!

 

***

[keenan]

Honestly, you do sound needy, and like you can't let go. I know you want to contact him, but you're rationalizing your behavior. The strongest and smartest thing you can do right now is NOT send this email. He knows you love him ~ he knows you want him back. This email contains very little new information, and is only serving to give you the chance to maintain some connection with him.

 

Not contacting him is the best thing for YOU. But if you want to be totally pragmatic about it, not contacting him is also the thing that is going to pique his interest the most. I'm NOT advocating NC as a means to getting him back (I think you should let him go), but the reality is that often want what we can't have. Your email is veritably dripping with pleas for reconciliation. You look sad and needy, not strong and fun and interesting, and you don't want to leave him with a pathetic image of you. Really.

 

Best case is that he writes back something like "What a sweet note. Thanks" and then you never hear from him again. Worst case is that you get nothing back but silence...and you never hear from him again. Both will suck. If you don't send it, you're sparing yourself the pain of these possibilities, and you're sending a much more positive message about yourself.

 

Think about it that way ~ NOT sending a message IS sending a message. Every day.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh ~ I don't mean it to. Good luck!!

[flower99]

I fully agree with this. I would not send this. it does sound needy.

[shikashika]

If you want to send it... send it... it MAY come accross as needy but do whats right for YOU! not what all of us or anyone on this board would do

[stormie1]

Don't send that email! It sounds too pityful. Trust me I know. It is good therapy to write but, he does not need to see it. Write it and throw or burn it. He will just think your feeling sorry for yourself. Can't believe I'm giving advice....Please don't send the email. Do the NC and you will be amazed how much it helps. I'm only on a week of NC. It sucks but, it is also empowering. I can be strong and not contact him. My guy is probably expecting me to text him or call him but, I will not do it. I want him to wonder what the heck I'm up too. Stay strong....NO CONTACT! He will miss you.

[imtornup]

I gotta tell you...Don't send this e-mail. My girlfriend dumped me recently and I sent the text messages and actually mailed a letter pleading my heart out to her. Yes, this was a desperate attempt to hopefully sway her feelings back to me. No communication is the best way to go when someone dumps you. Let them wonder for a while. I ask myself everyday if what I texted and mailed has made me look weak in her eyes. I wish I could go back in time and get back those text messages and written letters. You need to read some post by SUPERDAVE. He'll set you straight. Best of luck and BE STRONG.

[sharper4]

Sounds needy. Personally, I think you're better off moving on quietly. Sometimes saying nothing says more than any words could. ...just a thought.

[kellbell]

Sara,

 

I echo the sentiments of all the others here. Please do not send that email. It sounds way too needy and desperate. Also, you are taking on too much of the brunt as to why your relationship fell apart. It takes two to tango my friend. I would not apologize for matters that are not entirely your fault.

 

So either

 

A. Keep it short and to the point.

 

B. Don't send anything and engage in total NC.

 

I am leaning more torwards option B. I am so sorry things have been hard. But you have us here on eNotAlone to help and support you.

 

(((hugs)))

[annie24]

I agree with the others, don't send it. writing a goodbye e-mail is good, but only if you don't send it. write it down for yourself, then burn it or rip it up. that will help you. but sending it to him will not get you anywhere, or it will make you feel worse. if he doesn't respond, you will feel bad. if he does repond, you will feel bad. take the letter, print it out, and rip it up, use that as your closure. use the fact that he has not been reaching out to you as your closure.

 

block him online, block his myspace page, stop looking at it, and focus on moving on in the new year.

 

but sending "closure" e-mails never works and tends to make you feel worse. I think we've all done it, that's why we are telling you not to....

 

(And PS - yes, it sounds needy. Like kellbell said, if you MUST send an e-mail, better shorter and to the point like, "I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, but that's ok, I'm looking forward to my future, and I hope you have a good future too.")

[rsxguy520]

definitely don't send it. best thing to do is leave it how it is. NC for sure. and just move on. sending this letter will re-open wounds, and of course you don't want that. best of luck to you!

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think it's a nice email, and I think you should cut and paste it in your journal, because it's well written and sums up how you feel about the ending of the relationship.

 

But I don't think you should send it. Because I think there is a tiny, tiny little bit of you that is expecting a response to this email - and if he doesn't answer, or says 'gee thanks, sara, that was nice, have a nice life, bye!', you will feel terrible. Because you have put a little bit of your heart and soul out there again, and I don't think you want it to be ignored or just have a pat little email back and then nothing.

 

The advice I always give (and have been thanked MANY times for!) is to not send that email tonight or tomorrow. Put it in your draft box, and leave it. If you still feel strongly on, say January 10th or end of January, that you really want to send it and it's important to you to say this one last time, then maybe reconsider. But don't send it now, you will end up being hurt by it.

 

Take care.

[Juliana]

Yikes! Don't send it!

 

It's wonderful -- and it's entirely for your benefit. That's fine.

 

He said he wanted to stay friends? That's great. Go no contact. In a few months, when you are actually completely over him, and don't care if you ever hear him say those three words again, when you can fully imagine a life without him that doesn't seem barren and desert-like, call him up and go out with him.

 

There is no such thing as closure; only that understanding we get within ourselves that the relationship is over.

[blender]

Do NOT send this to him, send it to YOURSELF, and re-read it in a few days, this email closure letter is for YOU, not for him, it's not a good idea to "induldge him" in YOUR PRIVATE EMOTIONAL status, what you are feeling now is "very strong" but trust that these feelings are 'TEMPORARY'.. I know that's difficult to believe right now, but try to just feel all you are feeling without ACTING ON IT, by sending this letter to the ex, he does not hold the key to your closure, and he's lost the honor of hearing from you.. he made a choice to break up, so now YOU can make the SELF RESPECTING choice to stay away, let go, and cry, grieve, and take care of yourself....

 

Honestly if you send this email, then what? Then are you "hoping, waiting, wondering" what he thought, or if he will respond, or then regretting you put so much more of your own heart out there on the table to someone who is clearly not making any intentional effort to be in your life right now?

 

The email is very theraputic to write out all your feelings, but do NOT send it... keep re-writing it, and try to get it down to two paragraphs, then one paragraph, then only two simple lines, keep writing your feelings but do NOT SEND THEM TO HIM..

 

just keep doing the writing therapy for yourself.. this will help you get your feelings out and you can work through them on your own .... believe me you will feel empowered by NOT sending this to him.... have the self respect to work through this with the help of friends, family, or here on this site.. There is no GOOD SELF RESPECTING reason to let him know all that you are going through... what "good" will come from your sending this to him? Can you honestly objectively think of one "good" thing that might come from you contacting him right now?

[Firedancer03]

I think that closure emails are wonderful....when they're not sent to the person who dumped you, but rather, when they are sent to yourself. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about the breakup can be a wonderful healer. But remember that as time passes and you start to heal, your feelings will change. This is only a reflection of how you feel right now, not necessarily how you'll feel a week from now or a month from now.

 

I know it seems like a good idea to send this, and you think it will give you closure and from that moment on you will be able to move on. Or perhaps you may be secretly thinking that pouring your heart out to him will drag up memories of "the gool ole days" make him change his mind and run back into your arms. But unfortunately, closure emails such as this one tend to be full of emotion and sound, as others have already stated, needy and desperate. Not to sound harsh or anything, but sending this email is not a good idea. Print it off and rip it to shreds or throw it in the garbage or even put it in a desk drawer. But do not send it. You do not want to do things your heart is telling you to do right now because your heart is broken. You will only end up regretting it when your heart is on the mend and you'll wonder what in the world possessed you to do such a thing.

 

3 weeks out of a relationship is hardly anything, it took me about 3 months before I stopped doing emotionally-driven, impulse things that seemed like a good idea then. But looking back now, I wish I'd never would have send him that heartfelt message or sent him that emotionally-charged e-mail because it got me nowhere. It only let me down when I didnt get the response I wanted. You want to keep your dignity in this situation, walk away with your head held high and making them think that you are strong and going to be just fine without them (even if thats not how you feel at all at the moment). Because you ARE strong and you WILL be just fine without him, but in time. As someone else said, move on quietly because saying nothing at all sometimes makes the loudest statement. *hugs* and good luck.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others and will add that the flaw seems to be that you believe you get closure by contacting the person - you get closure within yourself, only.

[sara_0562]

Ok well I didnt take your advice even tho i know i should have. But when i was in a very bad emotional state i SENT IT!!!

 

Ok so i sent it about 3 hours ago and i just got a text message from him saying "hi *** just wanted to say hi and thanks again for the movie" I had sent him some of his things back and i had got him a movie for christmas and it was the only thing i couldn't return so i sent it along with his things.

 

As u all know he HASN't messaged me in over three weeks since we broke up. WHY NOW? Do you think the letter had anything to do with it? WHAT SHOULD I DO? Should i reply or just wait...

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't reply. In a way, I think he is giving you the brush off. I don't think he is looking to open lines of communication with you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Sara -

 

I know I'm chiming in on this a bit late - looks like you posted this earlier this afternoon. If you haven't sent the e-mail yet, but feel like you want/have to send something - nothing we can say will deter you so I think we should help.

 

I'd like to offer some constructive criticism...if I may........

 

First off - Cut the letter by more than half. He will never read that in it's entirety. Ever.

 

Secondly - get rid of all references to how you hope for this or wish for that. He doesn't care enough to hear it.

 

It is my opinion that brevity is the order of the day. Something sweet, concise and short will get read and will stick with him a lot easier than a lengthy e-mail that goes on and on about how you wish all the sappy stuff in the world.

 

Stick to the point - which from what I got..is that you are hurt, sad and miss him. You are ready to let go but need him to know you WILL be available to him.

 

AND THEN SAY GOOD BYE.

 

And leave it at that.....

 

I'm sorry for your pain and BOY do I feel it from your e-mail letter to him, but in a letter to him, speak on his terms, not yours. You'll get more mileage...

[blender]

okay, so you sent it, and he gave you a "polite response" about the movie you sent him, however he did NOT ASK anything of you, he did NOT ask to see you, or to talk, so unless he does so, then you should NOT respond at all.... leave it be, you will feel better in the long run...

 

do NOT re-act to your feelings in this moment, instead muster up the courage to "just feel them" and do NOT reach out to him, or contact him in any way.... leave it be for now, okay?

 

I promise if you can "let go" for one day at a time, you will feel so much more empowered, and can re-gain some perspective, because for right now, you are just "so deeply engulfed in emotion" that you are not thinking your "actions" all the way through..

 

so when in doubt, do nothing.. okay? breathe, relax, and remember that unless HE is making an intentionally CLEAR EFFORT to be in your life, then there is NO reason for you to contact him..not now.. just one day at a time, go no contact.

 

Feel good that he was the last one to make contact, and use this as your power to let go for today, no contact on your part..just leave it be...

[kellbell]

Sara,

 

I hope you received your closure. The fact he never asked to see you, did not thank your for your honesty and heartfelt words, and only commented about a movie SHOULD be your closure.

 

I hope you feel better real soon and hang in there.

[blender]

Yes, Kellbell is so right.. he had an "opportunity" after receiving your email to "bring up more feelings towards you", but he did not do so.. and that's okay, but it's also CLEAR that HE is not wanting to rekindle anything for right now.

 

it may hurt to be in "acceptance' that HE is obviously not "ready" for a relationship right now, but it's best to "let go" one day at a time and maintain no contact... this is for YOU, for YOU to heal, for YOU to learn that HE does NOT hold the key to your "closure" or your "happiness".... YOU are the holder of that key... the best is ahead of you, not behind you...

[sara_0562]

I really think you all are correct. Im not going to message him back. I feel really good right now about everything but as most of you know who have been dumped your mood can change from minute to minute. So i will prolly wake up tomorrow and feel horrible again. But its nice for the time being to feel happy. I wont message him back it feels good to know he will be the last one to attempt to contact me and i wont respond. And you all are so right by noticing that he didn't say anything about talking to me, or seeing me, or anything about his feelings or about what i said.

 

Thanks everyone

[blender]

Good for you, no more contact right now, none, that is the most powerful thing you can do... let go for today.. and as for tomorrow morning, sure you may wake up feeling the blues, but HE has nothing to do with how you feel, he's just a person who you put a whole bunch of dreams, hopes, and love into, and for now, he's NOT ready to give back.. so remember that you can always put those same "dreams, hopes, and love" into yourself right now, and when you do, you will find you are attracting so many wonderful people into your life, and perhaps even him, but for right now, NO CONTACT is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for him to finally respect that you "FINALLY" get it, and are wise enough not to keep going to a dry well for water, only to leave more thirsty then when you arrived..

 

He text you, and he was "simply vague and kind" so there is NO reason to respond, let it go, be proud of yourself for NOT responding to a lame few polite words saying "thanks pal" after you sent such an emotional email..ugh.. he is not worthy of your energy for today..

 

Feel good, proud, and empowered.. one day at a time

[Honey Pumpkin]

Okay, well you sent it - that's fine. You've got your feelings out there, and that's your closure. But that has to be it. I know it's painful and hard and horrible, but you have to dig deep and find in yourself the strength to move on now.

 

There are loads of good tips on this forum about what to do when you've been dumped and it hurts so badly that you can't begin to think of a time when it will end. My remedy is to take it day by day, hour by hour, or when it's really bad, minute by minute. Try to live in the present for now - not the past or thinking of the future without him. Keep yourself busy and refuse to allow yourself to brood (easier said than done). It does get easier, honest. It takes time, but each day it will ease a little bit.

 

Keep posting, vent your feelings here! And DON'T CONTACT HIM!!!! Good luck.

[meantime]

If you are starving you need to learn to feed yourself. If you don't you will always be waiting around for the crumbs that fall from his table.