Mom's control/influence over my dating decisions.

[Luke Skywalker]

Well from what you've said, that sounds like a reasonable feeling for you to have. Have you tried to discuss this with her or your father?

 

I dont recall discussing these feelings. But I think if I discuss anything with my mom, she'll think I'm up to something, or what would I want to be hiding. Her idea is if she is getting under my skin it is because I'm up to something 'sinful' that would likely cause irritation with her. Most people are uncomfortable with their SO's when they are up to something.

 

See the problem with this arrangement is my mom is an SO, and I have to be accountable to her whenever I walk in the door past 9:00 pm, she wants to know where I've been or what I've been up to. (i.e. since last November when I bragged that I could have gone with a casual hookup while pretending I was showing homes put her on the edge I suppose)

 

My mom also comes in the room when I'm looking at porn, and I have to hide it because I dont want her freaking out on me. Today I was looking at a 5 minutes of soft-core porn, but because my mom kept coming in the room and interfaring with my timer, I just snapped, did away with the timer, and viewed about an hour's worth of non-nude photograph porn (bathing suits, etc...) and had a 'release' because I got fed up of my mom coming into the room. Now I have a 'Strike One' against myself in my anti-porn addiction GREEN book and have failed myself. Again, this is all because my mom keeps getting under my skin. She would freak out if she found out I was viewing 5 minutes worth of soft-core porn.

[quietgrl]

Well somebody kidnap Luke from that house.

[renaissancewoman101]

Luke, you're 30 and I don't know how you can deal with living in that house under your mom's iron rule. My mother can be interfering like that and she still tries to interfere in my life whenever she is around, but then I DONT live at home and I limit how much I see of my mom. I have seen her more this year than in the last FIFTEEN years combined, but now I live only a two hour drive from my parents.

 

I dont think I could EVER live at home again. If my mom had her way, I would be living at home again.

[Batya33]

There certainly is a part of you that likes the control and the comfort/safety of knowing that there is someone else except you with a hands on role of enforcing the rules. Your description sounds like a 13 year old boy caught with dirty pictures in his bedroom.

[caro33]

Luke what is a timer? From the post where you mention it it sounded like she was timing your porn watching and coming in to check if time was up or you fiddled with the timer. I must have misunderstood, surely.

 

You mean your internal timer? She kept distracting you?

 

Batya is right, this just doesn't sound like the behaviour of a 30 year old man. You seem to have allowed her to ride roughshod all over your adult needs as though you are still a child. I agree that for this to be the case you must want it on some level, or you did want it.

 

Did you used to be okay with her interference and now you are starting to want something else? That's fair enough, but if you want to break free to some degree you do need to mention this to her. Something like "Mum, I appreciate all you do for me and I don't want to shut you out, but I feel that I need to establish some boundaries with you. Can you please limit your visits to my bedroom, and can you please knock before you enter?" This is obviously my example, say whatever it is you need from her.

 

Now when we say SO on this forum, as I understand it we mean "Significant Other". I assume you know this, but it just seems really odd that you think you can use it for your mother. In most people's minds it would mean their partner, their girlfriend/boyfriend. If you really mean that your relationship with your mother stands in the place of having an intimate relationship then no wonder you are struggling to make a real connection with another woman. I can't see how this home situation - if it remains unchanged - will ever allow for you to evolve into independence or a mature adult relationship with a woman.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke what is a timer? From the post where you mention it it sounded like she was timing your porn watching and coming in to check if time was up or you fiddled with the timer. I must have misunderstood, surely.

 

You mean your internal timer? She kept distracting you?

 

I'm referring a concept inside the Green Book. The book is a interactive diary/legal system that governs the use of porn. Right now, porn is illegal for me to view (based on my parameters of consent, ideally I dont want to view porn, hence in my own mind I've 'illegalised' it), and it's legality will be reviewed on Feb 3rd and March 3rd for a limited time.

 

New Porn control protocols. System set-up is like this:

Jan 15th - Feb 3rd, Feb 3rd - Feb 15th, Feb 15th-March 3rd, March 3rd -

March 15th, March 15th - April 15th, represent a different mode as follows:

 

Porn consumption control is followed by a three strike system as follows:

Hardcore porn consumption for 5 minutes is one strike.

Softcore porn consumption for 30 minutes is one strike.

Non-nude photography (skimpy clothed) is 1 hour for one strike.

 

There is a 5 minute 'Amnesty' from Strike on soft-core porn that's not escort pics, and excluding any pics that is otherwise construed as degrading (i.e. ghetto booty pics, go-go dancers, etc...)

There is a further 15 minute 'Amnesty' from Strike on non-nude photography (skimpy clothed).

 

If the time exceeds those set parameters of Amensty, a Strike is levied. But the weakness of such a system is if you are over 5 minutes, and there is a strike, say on softcore porn, then you will get your 'time's worth' on the strike and use up the maximum 30 minutes and get a release.

 

As of late, controls for having an accurate 5 minute Amnesty period of viewing softcore porn have fell into problems with regulation as it's difficult to keep tract of time exactly, or hunting for the right pics to look at could also take time into that, and if my mom is in the room where I have to hide it, then it's even harder to keep tract of time and I feel cheated on the 5 min Amensty concept and end up viewing more to incur a strike record on the Green book.

 

After April 15th - Oct 25th the Green Book policy changes to the Strike-shield, where having a strike can not be factored in as an excuse and there must be an absolute withdrawal from viewing any form of porn.

 

If enough rejections are obtained, and really nasty ones too, then legal zones for viewing porn may include November, February 10-February 18th, and March 10th- 18th where evaluation dates are on Oct 25th, Feb 3rd, and March 3rd respecfully for those specific sectors to ensure that I'm objective.

 

Batya is right, this just doesn't sound like the behaviour of a 30 year old man. You seem to have allowed her to ride roughshod all over your adult needs as though you are still a child. I agree that for this to be the case you must want it on some level, or you did want it.

 

I see what you are saying.

 

Did you used to be okay with her interference and now you are starting to want something else? That's fair enough, but if you want to break free to some degree you do need to mention this to her. Something like "Mum, I appreciate all you do for me and I don't want to shut you out, but I feel that I need to establish some boundaries with you. Can you please limit your visits to my bedroom, and can you please knock before you enter?" This is obviously my example, say whatever it is you need from her.

 

 

She'll wonder what has come over me and who I'm talking to on the internet, but I have to start somewhere I suppose. I'm staying out most of the time anyway, at my office, or somewhere else, and only come home after 8-9, or a hour or so during the day.

 

Now when we say SO on this forum, as I understand it we mean "Significant Other". I assume you know this, but it just seems really odd that you think you can use it for your mother. In most people's minds it would mean their partner, their girlfriend/boyfriend. If you really mean that your relationship with your mother stands in the place of having an intimate relationship then no wonder you are struggling to make a real connection with another woman. I can't see how this home situation - if it remains unchanged - will ever allow for you to evolve into independence or a mature adult relationship with a woman.

 

I suppose it is a problem like that. It's gotten to the point if I were to do anything with a girl, I'm cheating on my mom in some way, and I'm accountable to her to what I'm doing, so it sort of like a SO relationship.

 

 

It's getting better in this regard, however, as my dad is at home more, and I'm out to work. Before I'd take her on walks, take her to church - but now I'm in my office, trying to make deals, making my own life away from here, and she likes the fact that I'm out in the office trying to make money, so I think I'm having some measure of independence making money and spending it. My mom called me on my cell last night to see where I was, and I didn't answer it.

 

With respect to the girls in question, I'm talking to them and arranging dates, so there is nothing my mom can do with or against that.

[caro33]

Your Green Book system has me gobsmacked. You should get into law enforcement of some type. I work in regulation and I have never seen anything like it.

 

Just out of interest, if you broke all your Green Book laws to their maximum, what happens?

[Batya33]

OK I change my opinion. Instead of putting the money you save towards a place to live on your own, put it towards finding a good therapist who you click with and feel you can be open with. I say that with utter seriousness and not at all to be critical or offensive.

[Luke Skywalker]

Your Green Book system has me gobsmacked. You should get into law enforcement of some type. I work in regulation and I have never seen anything like it.

 

Just out of interest, if you broke all your Green Book laws to their maximum, what happens?

 

Then I will tell my parents on myself about my porn addiction and cancel the internet. Only internet at the office or library or in a public place would be allowed to be used. Thus, internet use is on the severence of the green book.

[Luke Skywalker]

OK I change my opinion. Instead of putting the money you save towards a place to live on your own, put it towards finding a good therapist who you click with and feel you can be open with. I say that with utter seriousness and not at all to be critical or offensive.

 

Oh, right, the internal fantasies or 'world' would seem characteristic of a 'Schitzoid Personality disorder', just read about that from wikipedia for kicks. No big deal. I interact with people in both business and otherwise and dont see it has a real problem.

[Batya33]

Well, yes, that's part of it. I say it only because you post here about problems with your family and with finding dates, etc. and as I read more of your responses it screams out that you are a person who would benefit from a good therapist and that this should take priority over moving out or getting dates.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Luke, do you really feel you have problems?

 

Thats a good question to ask yourself. If you think you are functioning in a way that isn't right to you it might be a good idea to seek the advice of a professional therapist.

[caro33]

Oh, right, the internal fantasies or 'world' would seem characteristic of a 'Schitzoid Personality disorder', just read about that from wikipedia for kicks. No big deal. I interact with people in both business and otherwise and dont see it has a real problem.

 

What made you pick this personality disorder? Have you been told this before or diagnosed with this or something similar?

[Luke Skywalker]

What made you pick this personality disorder? Have you been told this before or diagnosed with this or something similar?

 

I was browsing through Wikipedia and looking at it's description of the movie 'Total Recall' and saw additional links under Schitzoid (sp?) Embolism (a result in the fictional movie when implanted memories go awry and a lobotomy is needed). I clicked links on Schoitzd, and lobotomy, and learned the scientific defination of both concepts.

 

Lobotomies were practised in the past but eventually phased out as they were in effective and generally doing more damage than good on patients. I clicked the link under Schitzoid, and along came Schitzoid personality disorder which I read, and felt a strange connection to that type of personality.

 

I'll share the link here, maybe other people on here can identify with some of the characteristics, but I found it interesting to read anyway.....

 

link removed

 

Again, I do not know or necessarily understand my personality, but some characteristics of this type of personality seems to be something I can identify with to some extent, but not all its characteristics. I dont see it as a 'problem' or 'disorder' but as just a personality type.

[Luke Skywalker]

Your Green Book system has me gobsmacked.

 

And you dont even know about the Red Book and the Blue book, or even the fact I'm paying myself to go at my office at a certain time every day, and fining myself if I'm too late.

 

Red, Blue and Green are also primary colours that can combine to form a whole range of colours (i.e. cathode ray systems).

 

You should get into law enforcement of some type. I work in regulation and I have never seen anything like it.

 

I'm studying LSAT.

[Luke Skywalker]

If you think you are functioning in a way that isn't right to you it might be a good idea to seek the advice of a professional therapist.

 

What makes you think that?

[Ellie2006]

I apologize if this seems harsh but I do think you are still trying to blame everyone and everything else -- e.g controlling mother, lack of funds, no college-level education, and now, a possibility of a personality/psychological dysfunction -- for your current state, rather than taking ownership of YOUR unwillingness to do anything about your current situation to change it for the better.

 

If you truly believe that you have a psychological issue, you should NOT rely on self-diagnosis based on the information on the internet BUT go to a specialist trained to accurately diagnose you and advise you on PROPER treatment.

 

On a final note, you keep bringing up how you have NO money to move out and be on your own. You DO have a job, however. So you ARE getting a paycheck on a regular basis. You CAN move out and live within your means if you are SERIOUS about getting away from your mother's control/influence, even if it means you have to sublease one room or live w. roommates and eat pb & j for a while.

 

Just my two cents but *stop* making excuses and *start* setting things in motion for you to gain your independence. If that is what you truly want, that is.

[caro33]

Again, I do not know or necessarily understand my personality, but some characteristics of this type of personality seems to be something I can identify with to some extent, but not all its characteristics. I dont see it as a 'problem' or 'disorder' but as just a personality type.

 

To be honest with you Luke, I thought the same thing a while ago, when I asked you about therapy on your virginity thread. I certainly don't know if it's a "disorder" and am not commenting on that aspect, but I do wonder if you might see your identification with this description as assisting you in your search for answers.

 

Re your various coloured books and highly regulated approach - do you find this helps you place order on things effectively, or does it still feel a bit confusing and out of control sometimes? I suppose my suggestion would be that if this gets too much it might be a really good idea to chat with someone in person who can better provide you with tools to self-regulate, as well as to socialise and place some "bigger picture" on your environment.

 

It's highly likely that these personality traits of yours are exactly what's keeping you in your situation with your mother in some way, and identifying what your specific needs are in light of your own traits might be more helpful than receiving views from people like myself who are struggling to identify with you.

 

Not that I am saying I am unwilling to engage, I certainly am. I just wonder how much insight we can provide you, or how much impetus we can provide for you to change, if we don't share in any way your fundamental outlook on life.

[Luke Skywalker]

for your current state, rather than taking ownership of YOUR unwillingness to do anything about your current situation to change it for the better.

 

I'm doing everything I can.

 

On a final note, you keep bringing up how you have NO money to move out and be on your own. You DO have a job, however. So you ARE getting a paycheck on a regular basis. You CAN move out and live within your means if you are SERIOUS about getting away from your mother's control/influence, even if it means you have to sublease one room or live w. roommates and eat pb & j for a while.

 

A job that paid 100% commission on the whims of other people's decision to buy or sell their house THROUGH me and not another agent. So, no, I dont have a salaried 9-5 job.

[Luke Skywalker]

Re your various coloured books and highly regulated approach - do you find this helps you place order on things effectively, or does it still feel a bit confusing and out of control sometimes?

 

I'm very happy and satisfied with the level of order this has placed on various things.

 

 

It's highly likely that these personality traits of yours are exactly what's keeping you in your situation with your mother in some way, and identifying what your specific needs are in light of your own traits might be more helpful than receiving views from people like myself who are struggling to identify with you.

 

No, it's economics, not personality traits, I simply can not support myself unless I have a steady job, or I'm a good agent with a solid client base and have a network of referrals and steady business.

[caro33]

You do realise what people are saying then Luke - these are choices YOU have made?

 

You chose a job that wouldn't pay enough to get you on your own two feet.

 

You also chose to let your mother have the degree of control over your life that she has had to date, which is what I meant above by "the situation with your mother".

 

The living under her roof and the having her as a Significant Other are also NOT the same thing. These are at least two choices you have actively made, and to change the situation you need to change your perspective and your priorities.

 

What are your highest priorities at the moment?

[CarnelianButterfly]

What makes you think that?

It's a question you really need to ask yourself.

[Batya33]

I'm very happy and satisfied with the level of order this has placed on various things.

 

 

 

 

No, it's economics, not personality traits, I simply can not support myself unless I have a steady job, or I'm a good agent with a solid client base and have a network of referrals and steady business.

 

No, it's your personal choices - and personality traits - and perhaps psychological issues - that have caused you to pursue a line of work that does not allow you to support yourself.

[Luke Skywalker]

You do realise what people are saying then Luke - these are choices YOU have made?

 

You chose a job that wouldn't pay enough to get you on your own two feet.

 

What choice. I sent out resumes and never got an interview. I have a University degree. I tried going to college just to get a guaranteed job placement but was denied a loan to go. I dont see how that could be true.

 

Many people are around who are working poor and end up having to go to a food-bank or get food-stamps because their meagre income doesn't go much beyond the rent or are even homeless could not have choose to be that way.

 

 

You also chose to let your mother have the degree of control over your life that she has had to date, which is what I meant above by "the situation with your mother".

 

How so? I maintain, the problem is simply a stable income enough to predictably support myself. If I had enough money there's no way I'd be choosing to live here.

 

These are at least two choices you have actively made, and to change the situation you need to change your perspective and your priorities.

 

Speak, I'm listening. Define changing my perspective.

 

What are your highest priorities at the moment?

 

Well, God must always come first, you know that.

[quietgrl]

luke,

What are your job skill by the way?Do you have phone ,computer ,clerical or any other skills.