Looking at girls and other things He shouldn't be looking at.

[Miss_Kitty]

I have a fiance, let's say.. we'll call him Bruce.

Well, Bruce and I have been together since we were 16, now 19, and we have a child together.

Bruce had a problem, He liked to masturbate to lesbian porn, and eye-down other girls.

Yes, to some this might sound not too harsh, but to me, it's devistating.

 

Bruce first started to do this when I first got pregnant. I had the tummy, stretch marks, all those nice things that come with a pregnancy. So, of course, I would be self conscience.

 

The thing with Bruce was, He always was the kind of guy who was trust worthy and a truth-teller. Never a liar, etc. I had total faith in Bruce, I never would have expected such things that He did.

 

Well, one night, some how, we got on the subject of porn. I had asked Him if He ever looked at it, and He answered me truthfully. Yes. I was in complete shock, and was ticked beyond belief. I was thinking, "Hey, what's wrong with me for you to have to do that?" Well, I had to keep asking more questions, then to my surprise, He told me more. He'd lied to me many of times before on the porn subject. Here are some examples.

 

I have a favorite show that I watch very often. Well, you can download it on limewire. One afternoon, I asked Bruce to download it so I could watch it. Bruce replied with "No, I won't download limewire for anything." And that same night He downloaded it for porn.

 

Another, He would try and use my pregnancy for an excuse. He'd always say, "It's getting late, you need to go to bed." So, I would, and guess what Bruce would go and do?

 

Well, He also told me He looked at other girls in His college.

To be perfectly frank- I have an attractive face, and I am aware of this, but I don't have a cocky bone in my body. So, I don't exactly have the best self-esteam. Ecspecially when I have stretch marks all over my body.

 

I try so hard not to bring things up along these lines, but it gets so hard. Porn and looking at other girls to me is equivalent to cheating. I also look at it as, I was pregnant with His child, He was saying He wanted to marry me, He should have all eyes on me, and only me.

 

Bruce gets extremely upset when I bring it up, so I hate to.

He claims to me that He doesn't do those things anymore, and I trust Him. I just need to have things eased on my mind.

[cordelia]

I hate to break this to you, but there is no such thing as a man who does not look at other women..in real life, in magazines and yes they like to look at porn as well. He probably lied to you because he knew what kind of reaction you would have to this. As for him checking out other girls, as long as he is not doing this in an obvious way then its totally harmless!

To be honest, I think you need to relax! You two are both very young so it makes sense that you are only learning this now but trust me, all guys (and girls too) no matter what age like to look at the opposite sex, but that's all it is, you are just looking!

In every other area he sounds like he is a very loyal and devoted partner and seriously wants to marry you. He really doesn't sound like the type who would ever be unfaithful.

Now that he had agreed to stop looking and to be honest from now on, you need to learn to trust him again!

 

And by the way, looking at porn and looking at other women is NOT THE SAME thing as cheating. You could not be more wrong about that.

[Daligal83]

I agree with cordelia. Everyone notices people they are attracted to. You can't stop it. What matters is that he doesn't ACT on it. Are you saying that you absolutely never look at a guy out in public and think he is attractive? It happens.

 

As for the porn, I've read a lot of posts about that bothering people. I don't see the big deal. If he's avoiding having sex with you and uses the porn instead, that would be a problem. But if you're not around or maybe he didn't want to bother you since you were pregnant, I don't see the problem. Is it possible that he was trying to respect your feelings during your pregnancy? He may have figured that you're tired and uncomfortable, and thereforeeee not in the mood for sex.

 

The bottom line is that he's with you and is not with anyone else.

[Miss_Kitty]

Actually, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Many people agree with me on that, too. Don't tell me I'm wrong on my own opinion, because I'm not.

[Timebandit]

I think that there are several issues at hand here, so it is a little more complicated than that.

 

Firstly, we don´t really know to which degree he is acting as he does. Looking at girls can be anything from innocent looks almost per reflex, to more actively seeking out girls to look at. As for the porn it is the same. In smaller amounts it is not harmful to watch, but there is such thing as excessive porn watching, that can damage a persons sexlife, and be highly addictive.

So with this in mind, we don´t really know the extent of the problem.

 

I would say, that is clearly a problem, that he has been sneaking behind your back, has been lying to you, and has probably done something that he has promised that he would never do (just a guess, but many guys seem to promise that they dont look at porn or at other girls). So on one hand, you have the every right to be hurt.

 

On the other side, acting hurt is not really to your advantage. You don´t get to make ultimate demands from other people (except leaving him). Trying to control him against his will is unproductive, and will only drive him further away.

 

I think you need to address the emotional distance that has come between you two, and you need to talk to each other about it as adults. Bring it up with him, without being angry, blaming or demanding. Get to the root of why it happened, and based on this, let him know what you are willing to do to improve your relationship, and let him tell you what he is willing to do.

 

I think that you just need to reconnect.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well, you can take that stance, but then you are basically saying that that is so important to you, that you'd refuse to marry your father's child because of this?? to be honest, i don't understand why it would be OK for you to have sex and a child out of wedlock, but not ok for your fiance to even look at another girl *instinctually*, not because he intends to do anything about it?

 

i am not criticizing your having a child out of wedlock at all, but just trying to point out that morals and feelings about what is right or wrong are very subjective and very unique to the individual... you are criticizing what you think is his sin, whereas plenty of the world would think you did a bigger sin by having a child out of wedlock... please don't be so quick to judge, as others might judge you... neither is appropriate judgment in my opinion.

 

so if you feel it is ok to NOT marry your child's father becuase he does something like that, then other people could say you are being very wrong and selfish in your need to dominate his world to the point you want to even control his thoughts... and would penalize your own child and take its father out of the home because you are so jealous you can't stand the thought your child's father might not have every waking thought dominated by you.

 

one can never control another person's thoughts, but if he is controlling his actions to please you, then you ought to consider that before you judge him so harshly.

 

and if this is such a huge dealbreaker for you, then why mess around, just go. but odds are very good that about 95% of men in this world would do the same as he does, so good luck finding that 5% who won't....

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Miss Kitty, this is coming from a fellow kitty. I agree with you! Absolutely, 100 %. You have every right to feel hurt and upset and I would feel the same. Some people would not, but just because they wouldn't doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be. You're an individual with individual thoughts and opinions. If this is how you feel, then your significant other needs to respect this. He also needs to understand how damaging to your self-esteem this all can be.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

The lying about limewire bothers me.

 

Because it means that it isn't just a porn issue, its a TRUST issue, which is infinitely more serious and cannot be justified on the reasoning that "people just look".

 

Personally, I find most answers to this post to be encouraging abhorantly disrespectful behaviour. You have a CHILD together..he should be revering and loving you more than ever, yet he

 

Lies about downloading porn/limewire

 

Tells you how he looks at other girls in his college

 

What A JERK.

 

Sorry, but that's my opinion - even if you were "OK with porn" the lying should be a BIG Red Flag to you.

 

If he can't even stop himself telling you about eyeing up other women, what does that say about him? Answer - Not A Lot.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

She's right, it cannot be justified on the reasoning that "people look." A person can control that, and some wouldn't even feel the need or desire to look.

[veneratio]

I agree with the last two posters. You're right to be upset, if that's what you consider cheating he should respect that.

 

And as for looking at other girls, he can control that. I look and that's that. It isn't anything more and I didn't/don't intend to look.

[survivor3]

Miss Kitty, the posters who brought up that this is a trust issue are COMPLETELY correct. Trust me....I've BEEN there! I MARRIED this man!! We are now divorcing....because of addictions to porn and drugs. As many posters noted, all people notice others who are attractive. And while NOT all men look at porn, some do. HOWEVER....I can testify first-hand to the MAJOR issues that come up when it is done in secrecy and lied about. That is a sign of compulsiveness at best and addiction at worst. Please think VERY hard before taking this relationship further....

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

Sorry to say, but men and women will always find other people to be attractive. You're not the only attractive woman out there, and I'm sure you know that Bruce isn't the only hot man out there.

 

Looking at other people (in public) is natural, and it's something you're going to have to live with, because it's not something you can stop him from doing. And plus, the more you try to stop him, the more he'll WANT to look at other women. However, if he "stares" or "gapes" way too long at other women, then yes, it is VERY disrespectful to you.

 

As for the porn... It IS messed up that he LIED to you about it. But is it really messed up that he looks at it? I don't know if you realize this, but more people look at porn than you think. When he becomes obsessed with it, though, then you have a problem.

 

I don't want to tell you how you are, but it seems that you're insecure. You need to work on yourself first, and try to be above all of this junk. It's human nature to want to look. It's just how we were created. And the best piece of advice I can give you is this: The more you try to prevent him from looking at porn, and the more you nag him, the more he'll want to look at porn. People want what they "can't" have, and also, you will be a huge turnoff to him if you act like a jealous school girl.

[keenan]

He was saying He wanted to marry me, He should have all eyes on me, and only me.

 

Seriously? I hate to see your worldview get shattered, but this just isn't the way humans are built. He may love you with all his heart and think you're the most beautiful and fascinating girl in the world, but he'll still periodically be drawn to images of other women. People crave beauty and novely, and there's really nothing much wrong with that. It says very little about how much he likes, respects, or lusts after you. He's lying to you because he doesn't want to hurt you, and because you're freaking out and he doesn't want to deal with it. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to have some maturity, humor, and grace about it, and not make him feel like a freakshow for being a normal guy. He'll respect and love you more in the long run.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think when you have some years behind you you'll come to a similar conclusion. Actually, I'd be really curious to know if anybody over 30 feels the way you do...I may very well be wrong, and I'd love to know.

[handsdown]

I had the same problem you did.

 

My boyfriend was looking at porn and it was really bugging me and I felt so embarrassed because the majority of people around me were saying how it is normal and everyone does it, and that I was being immature.

 

Anyways, I talked to him about it and told him how it made me feel. In my case it wasn't that he was looking at other women but more that I would never "measure-up" since porn is always airbrushed and with good lighting (well good porn anyways) and it made me feel so insecure.

 

He stopped immediately, basicaly told me he didn't want to look at it if it made me uncomfortable and that was pretty much it. (he told me porn is fun but he could take it or leave it) Now whether he lies to me about it now or not I'll never know for sure but I trust him and I've never come accross any incriminating evidence that he still does.

 

Don't be afraid to be honest about how you feel just because someone else tells you that it's "wrong" to feel that way. Yes, people look at other people, but when you love someone and care about them, it should never be more than an admiring glance (like seeing a nice car or a pretty piece of art). As for the porn, you have every right to express how you feel and he should respect that, would you not do the same for him?

[Misser]

She's right, it cannot be justified on the reasoning that "people look." A person can control that, and some wouldn't even feel the need or desire to look.

 

 

I agree with you also. I think porn is only OK if the partner is not bothered by it. The wrongness of this is quadrupled by the lie, the fact that she is pregnant, the fact that he wants her to go to bed so he can do, and the fact that he is not intimate enough with her.

[Lboogie23]

I have been strugglilng with the same thing for the last two years of my relationship, and it started just the same as you , around the time i was pregnet with our first child. I knew that he probably did it at some point before me sinse he was a 30 year old man, it was bound to come up sometime. I know what your going through, and i know how hard this is to accept. i think some days i feel that i can deal with this , and other days its nearly traumatizing, for me.

I know during my pregnency, especially towards the end, my fiance didn't want to have sex with me as much because he felt weird that the baby was like right there, and plus he didn't want to hurt it. Even though i explained to him it was impossible, he still felt weird. could it be the same thing with your guy? Maybe he feels weird that the baby is there and hes using porn as a way to get off with out disturbing his baby. I'm just speculating here.

[ghost69]

i think you are reading into the 'other women' thing too much. you can't keep blinders on your man, he isn't a horse. i looked at other women with all of my ex gfs. they knew. they would ask and i would tell them. no big deal. they knew i was going home with them. in no way would i ever cheat anyways. i think that is one of the worst things to do to somebody. anyways, looking at other women or watching videos shouldn't be an issue. your self esteem must be kind of low if you can't get over this. he is with you isn't he? if he seems distant like he doesn't want to touch you or hook you up in the sack, you may want to question. if not, i don't know what to say. there is a difference between looking at another woman and staring. i would definitely question a stare. some of my exs had problems with me looking but got over it knowing that i'm faithful. i also pointed out to them that they had nothing to worry about and they accepted that. he'd be a freak if he didn't look at other women. when you go out to eat, do you know exactly what you want and never view the menu? there are usually appetizers. ](*,)

[STCLAIR]

I am a man. I have been through what feels like all the stages of this scenario, to looking, to being silent about it, to talking about it, to being unfaithful, to having someone be unfaithful to me. (not in that order) My personal conclusion now is that to feel comfortable about myself I do not participate in any of the above except glancing. Even with glancing as soon as i notice myself doing it, I stop it. What is starting to happen to me is i may for example look at a womans breasts almost instinctivly and i notice that they are the same as my gf's and i am just looking for her. I feel that when i get jelous and my partner looks at others then i become slightly worried or loose trust then i am not totally happy. When i am not happy or my mind is confused i am less likely to work towards our shared goals. I just cant' accept the "men are just like that" scenario. Because i am not "like that". It all comes back to redifining terms such as attractivness. I mean how many people really fell for their partner because they were so called 'physically attractive'? For me its an inner attractivness and usually the traits of self respect and it even goes further to a spiritual level. How many physically attractive people are actually really ugly people? And to think thousands of people give their attention and personal time to these people. I mean how attractive is it to find a man that respects and honours you as a gift and devotes his life just to that. Now to me thats attractive. To have a woman that shares that, now thats bliss. It sickens me when a woman who is with a man looks at me with that kind of gaze. For me, you either set the boundary tight or you just blur the lines. And its not about my partner. It's about me and whats right for me. It's what i believe in. The only times i have gotten into porn have been either when i am single or when i have felt that my gf is looking at other guys. It has been ego fullfillment and greed. It has been self protection. For me it leads to loss of respect for my partner and therfore loss of love, because respect and love go hand in hand and thats in any relationship. Good sex is always a result of mutual respect, openess and devotion: for me. How much porn is about the respect of women? Most of the industry is built on derogetory acts that paints women as objects that are sexually available at any whim.

 

I have met so many people into the sex thing that have hundreds of partners and are totally unfullfilled with their lives. I believe the advertsing industry has a lot to answer for the whole physically attracive phenomena. As though humans are only worth by what they look like by some predefined measure (which of course you will have when you buy product x) and like the other parasitic industry, fashion, this predifined measure will change from year to year. So its about me and what i feel and if i am feeling good and have self respect then my partner will feel that and either return that respect or not. If i have to move on from my partner because they don't show that respect then why wouldn't I. And here's whhat i find is the paradox in a lot of these situations. People are afraid they will loose their partner because of not being attractive enough where as it's that very act of lack of self respect that is usually unatractive, but further, it usually leads the person to do actions that they are uncomforable with, seemingly thinking that it will make them more attractive to their partner, or somhow make their partner feel as unattractive as they do, and at the end of the day its all about what you feel about yourself. and it is a choice that you are totally in control of.

So to conclude, for me, its all right to look because looking is a part of everyday life but if i take that look and transcribe it into anything other than devotion for my partner then i am living a lie. If i do this then i must be honest with myself and admit the transgression and make peace with it and move along. But i accept any ones position on this, ecpecially when its mutual between partners.

[ghost69]

start checking out other guys and make it obvious that you are looking. reverse the situation. then, and only then you will see how offended he gets. then you can tell him that is how you feel. it is evil, but it will work.

[Rabican]

Actually, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Many people agree with me on that, too. Don't tell me I'm wrong on my own opinion, because I'm not.

 

You are not wrong on your opinion, but you are going to have a heck of a time finding a man who does not occasionally LOOK at an attractive woman whos walking by. Or finding one who doesnt pick up a Maxim Magazine and have a look, or watch porn on occasion.

 

Personally I think you are letting your insecurities run wild on this issue, but thats just me. Now if his watching porn, is replacing a sex life with you, then thats a problem. But if hes just watching porn at times when say... you arent in the mood, then just let him do his thing. Do you ever masterbate when he isnt around? I think its the same thing.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I agree with you also. I think porn is only OK if the partner is not bothered by it. The wrongness of this is quadrupled by the lie, the fact that she is pregnant, the fact that he wants her to go to bed so he can do, and the fact that he is not intimate enough with her.

 

I agree 100%.

[heyguys]

real quick, inyour first post I noticed you typed a capital "H" when you talk about Bruce...you type "Him" or "He". Is there a reason for this or am I just picking up a pointless coincidence. To me, because I am catholic we only type or write like that when we are referrring to God.

[MissTee]

Kitty, I'm with you all the way!

 

I classify looking at porn as cheating and my bf knows this.

 

We live together and are constantly doing everything together so I know for a fact that he doesn't look at it.

 

As for looking at other girls, I know that he does because everyone does but I have never seen him do it! He never does it while I'm around and never makes comments about other girls.

 

We even consider flirting with someone else as cheating, because you are making yourself "look" and seem available when you are definitely not.

 

If you consider those things to be cheating then stick to your guns because every relationship needs boundries and you need to be respected as his girlfriend and the mother of his child.

[shikashika]

I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at porn... maybe when I was younger in my early twenties or late teens i may have had a problem with it... but i think as i've matured and got older... I realise it doesn't take away from a relationship... in fact i would worry if my boyfriend didn't look at porn..

 

how about watching some together... it can be really erotic! i know i found it reaally exciting and hot when a past boyfriend showed me the kind of porn he liked and we watched it together..

 

I don't see porn as cheating at all... it is just a different dimension to the relationship

 

I don't think you will find a guy who never looks at porn or other girls... and even if he does... as if he's going to admit it to his girlfriend who says things like "We-are-though-ifyou-ever-look-at-porn-again"

 

i know a girl who says she will dump her boyfriend if he looks at porn.. I've told her she is being a real B and incredibly child-like and insecure.. she even said "I only want him to think of ME, look at ME.. only ME ME ME"

 

i think its incredibly insecure and egocentric of her.

[tropicalx3]

Do you ever masterbate when he isnt around? I think its the same thing.

 

IT IS NOT THE SAME THING.

 

i'm not trying to start an argument with you but i just need to understand.

 

my problem with this is that in order for a guy to masturbate he needs to look at girls fingering themselves? yes, girls masturbate. but to my knowledge, the majority of us don't look at porn in order to do it.

 

a guy who is in a committed relationship should not have to look at porn behind his s/o's back, just because he wants to cum. sex is supposed to be and act of expressing love. i know nowadays sex isn't always looked at this way, but i think it's selfish to hurt someone you "love" so incredibly much, just so you can get some sexual release.

 

would someone please care to explain why a guy would continue to harm his relationship over porn? call me a hopeless romantic if you will but my belief is that if you love someone, you would do anything to keep them/keep them happy.