survivor3

Not a bad idea!!

Yesterday I was sorting laundry in the bathroom and the dogs started barking. Went to the door and saw the neighbor walking back to his house with a bucket. Last night I had to call the Sheriff b/c I heard shots fired in the neighborhood. Close enough that it scared me to death and I wondered if someone shot the dog outside. Patrol sent out. This morning, I go out to walk the dogs and smell chemicals. Notice that the japanese maple is missing. Call neighbor and ask where my tree is. He has it, says my STBX told him he could come and get it. Ask about the chemicals. He denies knowing anything. Call the Sheriff again to file a report. He says to call and get a TPO. Am waiting to hear back from them about it. Sound like I am being paranoid?? Back in October I was in here in the office checking email and husband and D went to the store (so I thought). Next thing I know a deputy is at the door about shots fired in the neighborhood...all the neighbors think it is my husband. He denies. After the deputy leaves, he laughs and says it was him. He was apparently going to shoot the window out of the neighbor's car but decided instead to shoot their house. So I am sitting in my livingroom waiting on the SO to call me back about the TPO. I hope to God this doesn't make it worse, though.

steeler...I know exactly how you feel. It is a most difficult and emotional place to be. I know how much you would like for things to work out (I would STILL love for my marriage to work!!), but there comes a point when self-preservation has to kick in and you have to cut your losses. You will never be able to trust him again. You will try. You might convince yourself that you can get there if you work on it. But the honest to God truth is that you will never forget what he has put you through. And you will never stop wondering when he will do it again. Feel free to read my story...I actually posted initially on the R'ship conflict board, but didn't really get many responses. You'll see I have been on the same emotional rollercoaster....not knowing if it is worse to have contact with him or not. Not knowing if it is worse to think he doesn't care at all or have him bawling his eyes out in the livingroom. What it really boils down to is that he is selfish. I am a giver. And I gave this marriage my all...just like you. It hurts that despite all I have done, tried, and loved, it just doesn't mean anything to him. But you know what?? I know I have done all I can! I can't make him WANT to be faithful, honest, committed, etc. Lord knows, if I could, we would have the strongest marriage known to man. It's just not going to happen. I will be an AWESOME wife to someone one day. I wish it could be with him, but he has done too much damage. YOU will be an AWESOME wife to someone one day. Someone who will appreciate you for the incredibly strong, intelligent, beautiful woman you are!! Surround yourself with friends and family. Form a buddy-system if you must...if you feel like contacting him, call/email THEM instead. FIRST. Sometimes it is not so much needing to have contact with him, but just needing to feel like your thoughts, emotions, and feelings are being heard and valued. I truly hate to be the one to say this to you, but someone needs to. And since I have been there, and AM there, I will be as gentle as possible: He will get away with whatever you allow him to. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He has you pining over him...a safety net, if you will. If things with skank go south...he knows he has you to fall back on. In the meantime, he doesn't really care that you are hurting. I read the things he said to you...(i.e., he was trying to protect you). How NICE of him!! What a way to PROTECT the woman he "loves"....have an affair!! Tell him not to do you any favors any more! He is manipulating you, honey. And it is working. I know because I have HEARD this!! (Oh, I use drugs/porn/communicate with other women because it's an outlet....didnt want to put more on you....whatever). So your husband wanted an outlet?? Great! Get a hobby!! Learn a new sport! Honey, if he wanted to talk to someone other than you about his problems, he should have gone to a therapist. There is no excuse for his behavior, girl!! NONE! So don't let him convince you that he is a martyr and you are wrong. You hold your head up!! STOP thinking about the good times and remind yourself of the ugliness. There will be time for reminiscing once you have healed. I am not saying that your entire marriage was crap, but even a rotten egg has a heart of gold!! Dont let him keep you in limbo. He's held you there long enough. And if it helps, tell yourself that by cutting off contact and filing for divorce, you are earning his respect back. Dont TELL him that. SHOW him. How can he respect you if you are allowing him to treat you this way?? Not only that, you are eating it up. Not because you are weak, not because you are "that girl", not because there is something wrong with you. Because you are scared to let go. But I am here to tell you....he is already gone, sweetie. He is sharing his bed with another woman. Like me, you love an IDEA of him. You love the POTENTIAL that is there. And I am sure he could be a wonderful man. But he doesn't want to. And even if you don't yet....I want better for you!! Hang in there!! Keep posting!!! HUGS

Miss Kitty, the posters who brought up that this is a trust issue are COMPLETELY correct. Trust me....I've BEEN there! I MARRIED this man!! We are now divorcing....because of addictions to porn and drugs. As many posters noted, all people notice others who are attractive. And while NOT all men look at porn, some do. HOWEVER....I can testify first-hand to the MAJOR issues that come up when it is done in secrecy and lied about. That is a sign of compulsiveness at best and addiction at worst. Please think VERY hard before taking this relationship further....

Hi! I am new to this board as well, and while I have my own mess on my hands, I can't help but completely relate to your entire post... All I can tell you is that even if you two reconcile, it will NEVER get better. I wish I had listened to all of the people (family, friends, etc) who begged me to leave in the beginning...the FIRST time he brought me to my knees. Unlike your situation, however, my husband would beg and plead for me to stay...and for three years I did. Now I am sitting here in an emotional mess because I didn't want to believe that it would not get better. He seemed sincere in his promises...and I WANTED them to be true. So I bought into them. ALL of them. The excuses, the lies, the rationalizations. I have come to the conclusion that my mentality (as it stands right now) is identical to that of a battered woman. He never physically abused me, but the emotional havoc he has wreaked on my life has truly worn me down. The pattern never stopped. Don't get me wrong...there were good times in between...but the undeniable future loomed. Somehow, just when I would begin to let my guard down, WHAM! He would do something else to completely undermine whatever progress had been made. And so...having lost all faith in my own decision-making, I stayed. Didn't trust my gut. Didn't trust my family. And the sad part is....I KNOW I was "that girl"!! The one that if you paused on the Montell show long enough to hear her cry you would want to shake her and tell her how much better she deserved. I can't explain it. All I can tell you is that I have spent the past 3 years HOPING. Wanting so much for him to WANT to make things right (and to want them to stay right). The painful part is that you and I have put so much effort and emotion into the relationship that we feel it MUST be worth something to them and it's not. For whatever reason (and it is NOT you!!) they think that they are entitled to whatever they want, how they want, whenever they want, regardless of how it affects everyone else.... I am so sorry for you. Please know that you CAN find comfort on this board. Please continue posting. We will continue to listen and support and encourage! HUGS!!

Well, I finally have an appt. with an attorney, so I feel somewhat better to have that out of the way. Can't get in to see her until next Thursday though... Just wanted you all to know that I was informed by my STBX that the reason all this is happening is "Because he just doesn't want to be married." And to boot, he "is ridding himself of a responsibility he doesn't want." So, that's what I am to him.... Doesn't seem to keep him from talking to a girl who lives 1000 miles from here who is (supposedly) engaged to be married, though. On a DAILY basis. He called her twice on Christmas and God knows what kinds of pics he has been sending her, but considering they were sent in the wee hours of the morning....I can only imagine!! So I wonder....is it that he doesn't want to be married? Or he just doesn't want to be married to ME??

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! I didn't hear from him at all over the weekend....not even a "Merry Christmas even though we are splitting....". Nothing. His friend remarked to him that he did not have to be so cold towards me and he said "Well, I don't love her." His friend told him that was an awful thing to say about the woman who has been nothing but good to him, and he just said "Well, I don't." Ouch. I don't know that I really miss him, as weird as that may sound...the house is nice and quiet and calm...no tension. No wondering what kind of mood he will be in, etc. I guess it just hurts to know that he really doesn't care about me. I have been trying to call an attorney all morning. Guess everyone is still recovering from the holiday. I think I am just ready for this to be over. I stayed up late the night before Christmas Eve looking at finances and trying to come up with a figure for him....still, I want to retain counsel before presenting it to him. If I can get some financial help so that I can at least live (with my bills payed preferrably), then I think things will be fine. At least emotionally. Maybe I was just trying to rationalize in my mind divorcing him. I know that I haven't trusted him for the past 2 3/4 years. Maybe that is why I feel so relieved. Not that he is not doing anything self-destructive, but I don't feel that I can't go to sleep in my own house for wondering what he will be up to. Does that make any sense at all?

I have to agree with the other posters who advised to stay away from alcohol for a while. I am prime example...actually had the house to myself last night. I decided to have a glass of wine with my bubble bath (no big deal, right?)...well then I decided I wanted one more. What I failed to think about was that I have not eaten all day...so 2 glasses of wine felt like a bottle effect-wise. Was supposed to be an evening all about me. Instead I lamented and got myself so upset that I called him at 12:30. Of course he was cold and unfeeling. I asked him how he could not care, not feel anything....his answer? "I don't know. Maybe I do." But said flatly and without emotion. Then told me he was not going to have this conversation. (Funny, he has gotten really good at avoiding those). At any rate, wish I had just made myself some hot tea and had that instead. Or some hot chocolate. I could have painted my toenails or something girlie--pamper myself--instead of padding his ego and making myself feel worse. Drink water. Or soda. Or hot chocolate!

I am assuming that since you met his parents that the relationship is fairly serious. On that assumption, I would recommend that you buy them a card (not too sappy, mind you) and say that you really enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with them and hope they have a great Christmas. Make sure to thank them for their hospitality, too. But I would mail the card to them rather than having their son deliver it to them....just shows you went the extra mile. Only my opinion, though....

LOVE this!! Thank you so much, I needed this today!

He wants to spend the holidays with his family, especially his mom because of her declining health (melanoma) and he is DEFINITELY not on my parents' or brother's list of people they would like to see right now. I think to try to spend the holidays with him would be awkward and not at all healthy for me right now. My folks are pretty upset that I won't be there,but they are also the ones who pointed out that his encouragement of my going there for the long weekend is certainly not due to any concern he may have for me. The fact of the matter is that he has shown he cannot be trusted....though I have a promise from my mom that we will have "Christmas in January" or Feb., or whenever I can get up there after some legal framework is in place. She called about an hour ago to tell me that Santa is bringing me a package UPS tomorrow but that I can't open it until Christmas and even then I have to call her while opening it! hehehe It really hurts, though, because D. (16 y/o) will be with his mother, so I really will be all alone. And this will be the first Christmas in 27 years that I have not spent with my family. Considering how close I am to them, it is just really hard. I spoke with my husband earlier this evening as well. Was the first I have talked with him since Monday. He seemed fine enough, I asked him what progress had been made on the bills I made copies of for him....he said he had made partial payments on most and would be paying more after getting his paycheck tomorrow. Then said he would come by and give D. and I some money. I just told him I would rather he put it towards those bills right now. To be honest, I just don't really want to see him.... He said he took his sister (who is special needs, btw) home from his parents' house Tuesday and told her that we are separated. I wasn't thrilled with that, since his mother really didn't want her to know until after the holidays, which are difficult on her anyway. He claims that she handled the news extremely well and that "my mom will never know that I told her. She even said 'Yeah, Mom doesn't need to know that I know.'" Ridiculous, really....not sure why he felt the need to do that. Again, to me it shows a complete lack of regard for how his actions may/do affect others around him.....He just doesn't get it at all.

Well, if it were up to me he would not put porn and drugs before our marriage, control his spending, and stop lying all the time. Unfortunately, he still does not think it is a problem - other than the fact that I have a problem with it.... I just don't think there is any way to make this work. Every conversation I have with him is still filled with contradictions. I just think he is out of control. I am upset, however, that I will be spending Christmas alone. And by alone I mean that I do not feel that I can go up to my parents' home because he has encouraged me to go. I fear that if I did, I would return to an empty house. Right now, there is no legal framework in place to prevent him from backing a Uhaul up to the house and clearing everything out to either sell or furnish whatever place he gets/has. And I can hear him telling a buddy or two that "Yeah, this is what we agreed on, thought it would be easier. She was supposed to leave me a key, but I guess she forgot." And they would believe it. I have no idea how he can be so convincing when common sense would tell otherwise. Yet I have certainly "allowed" myself to be convinced for 3 years... I guess all I can really do is find an attorney after the holiday and have the papers drawn up. At least that will give me time to work up the settlement arrangement in full. I can't really think of much more positivity right now....

So today is supposed to be our anniversary...kind of a sad day, really. Haven't heard from him at all though...

Yay ME! What a great freaking day....Supposed to be our anniversary today...

Actually, he completed a 30-day inpatient program back in 2004 and went to local AA mtgs for a few months, but there are no NA groups in our area and the AA folks were not very welcoming to him b/c he is not an "alcoholic". He has been to a therapist off and on for the last year, but who knows how honest he was about everything... He came over Sunday to pick up copies of the current bills that I made for him. I wanted to just meet him somewhere, but it didnt end up working that way. He asked me several times if I was OK. Told him Of COURSE I'm not "ok"! Are YOU OK about all of this?! He just said he doesn't know what he is. I told him how much I hate it that we love each other so much but he has made it impossible for us to be together. And I asked him Why. Why couldn't he just stop the porn and drugs when it mattered? First he said he didn't know. Then he said he just never felt the need to. That was followed with "Maybe it's a problem, maybe not. I just don't know" So There's my answer!! He STILL doesn't think it is a problem!! He tells me "This family functioned great for MONTHS, we got along better than we had in a long time..." I think he said more, but I stopped listening. All I could think was "So if I had been having an affair for 6 months and you didn't know, but we "got along" fine then it would be ok for it to continue?!" He did say that he could tell me everything I *wanted* to hear but that it might not be the truth. I think that was the ONLY truthful thing he said the entire time. The conversation ended when he told me he was not "mature enough" to have this conversation. Told him that was convenient. What an . He was mature enough to marry me three years ago!! He was mature enough to tell me he wanted to start trying to have children!! He wanted me to wait until he could talk to the therapist....guess she has a crystal ball? Oh yeah....he just doesn't know who he is...he needs to find out who he is. ? Maybe I should tell him!