ballerina

Enitsirk, I am in my fourties, have 2 teenagers and had my tubes tied 12 years ago. I am going through a divorce since last February. All that I can say is that you are so so brave and passionate. I admire your passion and ability to love. To love is human, be proud of it and don't feel bad that you gave love and not hate and betrayal. Look at your positive trades, you are young and must be attractive ( to marry 2 men by the age of 34...only movie stars do that : )). Challenges in life come to strong people and you must be a strong person. You also said that you can handle it financially. Who needs a man like that anyway, he will be more of a burden than help with the baby, I assure you. I am happier with my kids without their dad around. Yes, he makes them happy but since he can't make me happy, then I am better off without him. It is true it is a shock in the beginning, but time will help things settle. So while waiting, focus on yourself. Emotions can take over us and I found out that doing something that makes me feel good about myself helps. I remodeled half of my house during the last 6 months. All my friends are shocked that I did that while dealing with divorce. But it kept me busy every day and I felt good communicating with the workers and achieving results. I also joined a single parents group where I found many friends. You can get busy getting the baby stuff ready. It wil be exciting. Try to distract your mind. Men like that are not worth your mind energy. Spend it on something more useflul to you. That is what I tell myself. Think about him only when you are filling out the divorce forms. My best wishes for a healthy baby and mom.

My husband did the same thing to me after 19 yrs of marriage and 2 teenagers now. It has been a year since we separated. I still hear the same thing of he loves me...but I came to the conclusion that a cheater is always a cheater. It is not your fault that she cheated. You should feel good that it is not you who cheated. They must feel awful if they have any conscious. For you to get stronger, and this is what I did in the last year to survive. I joined a few groups of single parents or singles only, hiking, exercising, and went out to meet people. It gave me strength and I found friends who stood by me. My divorce is still in process and I have 2 teenagers. I panicked at first but now I am confident that I will be happier. I came to identify the person who is abusive in his "loving" relation and who is "giving". I try to stay away from the former. Don't worry, something good will come out of it. As someone here said, everything will be fine in the end, if it is not fine, it is not the end.

Happy Holidays and I hope you all meet your startling hunks : ) The night before Christmas from the Mercury News Dec. 24, 2004 'Twas the night before Christmas and Ted had a cold. He had it alone and he feared growing old sneezing forever into the abyss. Was it his fault Life turned out like this? "Yes" said a voice living inside his head. The voice was Lorraine's It still was not dead. Divorce would not kill it, Nor, it seemed, time. ‘Twas a year since he’d Committed the crime Of saying goodbye, Of choosing to leave On Lorraine’s favorite night. When else? Christmas Eve. “Your kidding,” she’d said As they’d sat by the tree, Trimmed and all bright As she’d planned it to be “I thought we were happy. We don’t even fight.” “There’s something missing,” he’d said – then took flight. “It’s a marriage manqué,” he’d complained to his shrink. “stop speaking French, Ted. Just say what you think.” “Its lacking, it’s failed,” Ted tried to explain. “I know what manqué means. Now what of Lorraine?” “She doesn’t excite me, She doesn’t have spark. She makes too much meat loaf, Likes sex in the dark.” “has she changed?” asked the shrink. “No, she’s just as she was I guess I’ve out grown her It happens. It does.” The shrink lit his pipe. “Ted it’s a phase Brought on by the strain Of these damned holidays. Your great expectation Of close family scenes All come from perusing Those slick magazines Resist the tyranny Of forced Christmas cheer Go back to Lorraine. Bring in the new year” “Thank you, but no,” Ted said, standing up “I’m still a young man. I must drink for the cup of exuberant life. I must dance until dawn. I need to seek truth I need to date blonds.” And date blonds he did. They were all under 30 They made him feel young, Vivacious and flirty. He fired his shrink, And he fired Lorraine. In the summer he even Dove out of a plane. His date landed well But Ted, being older, Managed to fracture His chute and his shoulder. “ow,” he remarked as the cast was put on. “skydiving’s fired. So is that blond.” “Your lucky you’re living,” The technician said. “but my life is manque” sighed the disgruntled Ted. He spent the autumn Expanding his mind By going to the opera And worshiping wine. On thanksgiving day He ate turkey pot pie And thought about calling Lorraine to say hi. The urge was short-lived. He conquered the mood By recalling the pain Sent Lorraine straight to food. “she’s probably fat now,” he thought to himself, pulling a second minced pie from the shelf December was rainy. Ted’s cold was voracious. It lasted for weeks, Wet, cruel, and tenacious. It conspired with Christmas To make him feel weak. “I might miss Lorraine,” he though. “what a geek I must be to let sentiment Seize me this way. I must gather strength What did my shrink say? Resist the tyranny Of forced Christmas cheer? Nuts. I’ll go see her Its been a whole year.” Sneezing and wheezing, He knocked on her door While loud gales of laughter Invaded each pore Of his being: who dared to sound so overjoyed? Who was with her? Why was he annoyed? “Merry Christmas, Lorraine,” He sputtered and coughed. “Gee you look great. Did you take some weight off?” Smiling, she seated Ted next to the fire And said, “say hello, Ted To Mr. McGuire” But when Ted raised his eyes To the startling hunk, He felt his tongue freeze, His heart went kerplunk And his mind started to whirl like a rotary fan. “Can I get you some Christmas Eve meat loaf, my man? Lorraine makes the best!” Roared the robust McGuire. “could you use a hot toddy? You look mighty tired! And forgive me, I don’t think I quite caught your name.” Ted racked his brain By the hearth’s golden flame. But Lorraine answered for him, Quite happy to say: “This is my ex, dear, Teddy… Manqué.” Ted sneezed with such violence He sprang to his feet. “not funny!” he shouted, his face like a beet. “I thought it was!” said Lorraine with a grin. But all Ted could think Was: Lorraine looked so thin! So pretty, so glowing, So clever, so bright! Her meat loaf smelled like Ambrosia tonight. Where had she gotten such warmth, with and spark? He wanted to love her – Tonight! In the dark! “A pleasure to meet you.” McGuire volunteered. “We’ll have to do Christmas Again – say next year?” And suddenly Ted was Back out on the street, Feeling manqué indeed, Like a hearth with out heat, Like a egg lacking nog, Or a pole missing elves Like a shelf that’s completely Lost track of its selves. What to do? Where to go? Worse yet, what to think? “Call me back” was the Message he left for his shrink. “Call me back and tell me Why I feel derailed!” Fearing the F word He wouldn’t say “failed” Coughing and snorting, He trudged home alone And ate four deli turkeys Right to the bone. When his shrink called him back He was on his third pie. Teddy manqué Laid his fork down and cried

I know how you felt, you liked him and you wanted to give him what he wanted, or what you both wanted. Love is giving not manipulation. He is a fool if he doesn't apreciate you. I think he will sooner or later. Be patient. If he still contacts you, he is interested and you still have a chance to appreciate each other with time. Don't worry about first impression. Just keep in touch with him if you like him.

2 weeks and 2 days, no calls. It's over. I don't regret it though. I learned something LOL, at this age. Since he kept saying he would be busy, he was preparing to escape and not get bothered. As someone here said, at least I had fun. Thank you all for thinking with me.

Thank you all for your postings. It is quite helpful to read your opinions. I neglected to mention that the guy looked as attractvie as Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt to me. So at the time I thought it might be once in a life time and so be it. But now I am longing for more. The most common reply is wait for 2 weeks and see. That's what I'm going to do. Batya33, I have read your other postings and appreciate your opinion, I may have acted needy, but why is it that the guy has the right to freely express his need for sex while the woman has to supress it?

He started a conversation with me at a bar, asked for my phone number. I found myslef attracted to him. He called the next day and took me to the best date in my life. We slept together that night. We are both over 45 and divorced. I called after a few days and he showed up to meet me shortly. We had another great evening. He said he would call and I could call him too. It has been 10 days now. I called him once and left a message. He had mentioned that he would be busy for the next 2 weeks. What do you guys think? Did I make a mistake by being availble? I wanted to be myslef and not play games.

JVP, I suggest that you mature and stop escaping real life instead of facing life. Did you try to connect with your wife and help cook dinner or do laundry. These simple tasks create a bond between you and her. I think you are afraid of living and the easy way to occupy your mind is to think about a sexy woman at work and feel prowd of yourself that she confined in you for helping her. It will be very hard to mature and move to another level of adulthood. If you don't you will be a teenager all your life or at least for a while.

BellaDonna, It is easy for me to say what I believe in. However, it is VERY hard to apply it. This morning I felt strong, right now I am falling apart. However, I know the guidleines to lead my life. I am sorry you had a cheating father. One thing you might have gotten out of it, you seem to know more about men than me when I was 26 yrs. old. I am new to this site. How do you know what to read and which postings to reply to? Is there a way to filter? I would like to contribute to others too.

icemotoboy, thank you for your support. That is an encouraging and enlightening note. I ignored to mention that I also work full time and make 35% of the houseold income. I look great as a few men and women told me. Kids are well, house is spotless (with outside help). So, with all this, I think he is just an unhappy man and he won't find happiness wherever he goes. Not until he is able to be in touch with the real life that you mentioned and stop escaping pain for the sake of excitemnet. Life is painful sometime and I get my strenght from trying to face pain and let it seep through me instead of resisting or escaping it. I find joy in taking care of my kids and my friends even in him, everything in life could be joyful if we look for joy. I also don't stop thinking, that is what survirvors do. Glad to read that you found your way to real life after being lost

winter2005, I know what you mean when you say you love him. You said he is a Muslim, well the Profit said that if you are asked for forgivenss you are supposed to give it and there is a story about that. You had a friend but you gave him your password, so you were honest. Are you both able to stop blaming each other for the past and start from now? For now, is there any way for him to show you that he is honest? Can he show you all his phone bills and all his e-mails? Is he willing to uncover ALL his cards as you uncovered yours? I am not saying you find out, he needs to show you. Don't be fooled, make sure that the phone bills are the correct ones. Also how does he treat you right now? Who are his friends? Does he respect you? Is he willing to give you what you want right now? If the answer is yes, you still need to think again. But all this might help you get closer to your decision.

BellaDonna, Thanks for the link. It was useful to know that the 48 yr. old guy had an affair 10 yrs. ago and when his wife took him back and forgave him, he is cheating again. So even if it works out for me this time and my husband stays, he is hooked or addicted to a pattern that he will not change, since he will keep going on his trips because of his job. Some sources tell me that forgiveness will bring true love. He tells me that I lack compassion and understanding. Just as the 48 yr. old man he says that he can talk to her about "everything" and he is afraid of talking to me because of my anger. I wonder what that "everything" is?

My husband of 16 yrs. started giong on business trips 2 yrs ago. On the first one he met a woman in Asia. He started text messaging. I found out after a few months (didn't see the contents of the messages). He denied it was romance. We went to counseling. In a moment of anger I said I wanted a divorce, but I didn't take actions and wanted to talk the next day. He said he wasn't ready. During counseling I let him know that I had an emotional affair 6 yrs. ago. After the counseling I thought things were fine. He went on other trips during the last 2 yrs, to more exotic places, Hong Kong, South America. Now he went again to Asia, he came back to tell me that he is in love and had sex with the same woman of 2 yrs ago. He had kept contact with her while I thought things were fine. She was married and her husband beats her so he helped her go through that and now she is divorced. She has 2 children. He says that I am angry and depessed. He can't live with me anymore even though he loves me. He blames me for my emotional affair. He says that I wanted a divorce and he wasn't ready but he is ready now. During our years of marriage, I have been sad and lonely since he has been absent emotionally. We did have some fun though. We have 2 teenage kids that we both love. He had been a good father and provider, intelectually compatible and a good sex partner. Apart from his anger bursts and emotional disconnection with me. I felt that he was emotionally gone shortly before his trip 2 years ago. I left the bedroom, he moved out of the house. He is now on a business trip for 2 weeks. He didn't tell me and the kids where he is. I am dealing with the kids on my own. He kept the financial support. He says, among other things that he wants his cake and eat it too. I am preparing my divorce papers and that is very hard emotionally. I do love him but I avoided telling him during these crisis, because he seems not to care and I would feel humiliated when he is telling me that he is in love with another woman. He had been hanging out at a place in the neighborhood with single adults (some women looking for men) for the last ten years. When I mentioned that I thought one of them is stepping on my territory and will end up in bed with him, he replied, that would be nice and smiled. He is in his early forties, and feeling bad that he doesn't know how to deal with women and bring them to bed sooner than 2 year. So he is looking for experience and finding himself. These are his words. He said he is going to sleep with women since we can't have sex together any more. I don't know what happens in Asia and how he changed like that. It is Midlife Crisis but whatever it is, it is happening and I am suffering. I don't bellieve all what he says now. In the past he had been honest or so I thought. We told each other almost everything. Now he turned into someone I don't recognize. He goes into emtional breakdown when he talks to me about separating but he seems determined that this is the best solution for us right now. I metioned to him now that I met a guy and he might want to have sex with me, his reply was, do you want to hurt me? Use some logic. Yet, I wasn't able to point to him that he isn't using logic because any statement from me with "you" will drive him off. He said he wants to be happy and take care of himself. I guess his first step is to get rid of me. I am cofused about his real intentions. Is he leaving because he wants to sleep with other women? Or is he leaving because he can't live with me? Our friends are shocked, we weren't miserable and we clearly loved each other. Any thoughts to share are appreciated.