JVP

Brando, I would have to say that more than anything else I just like the attention from her. My wife and I hardly ever just talk anymore. We spend time together yes, watching TV or a movie, but not alot of just talking. What's worse is when we do talk, neither one of us seems that interested in what the other has to say. The only time we really talk and pay attention is when we are discussing financial problems. That usually just leads to an argument as she is convinced that we are fine financially, while I feel there are financial issues. keenan, I appreciate your post and agree with what you are saying. However, sorting through all the issues and seperating them is extremely difficult. There had been times before all these troubles that I questioned whether I married the right person. But we seemed to be so compatible and for the most part happy together that those feelings quickly went away. While I can remember occasionally wondering what it might be like to be with someone else, I can't recall feeling this strongly about someone else before. The other strange thing was how suddenly the feelings came. I had been talking with her for a couple of months at work, first just in a group and then occasionally just the 2 of us. As recently as early last week the thought of antything happening between us had not even entered my mind. Then Friday after work the thought of not seeing her for a whole weekend drove me crazy. While I know that some of this is a result of my situation, I know that some of it is genuine feelings. What I need to figure out is how much of it is genuine. If it is genuine then doesn't there have to be a deeper issue between my wife and I than just our financial pressures and other problems?

Crossflow, Thanks for your reply. I realize my situation is very common, but I disagree with you on whether you can control your feelings or not. If I no longer feel the same love for my wife that I once had I can't just "decide" to feel more for her than I do. I also can't look at the other girl and just stop having feelings for her. I believe that the feelings you have not only can't be controlled but shouldn't be, it is unhealthy. How you act on these feelings can be controlled though. That is where the uncertainty comes in. The feelings I'm having are going to be there whether I "control" them or not. The question is what am I going to do about them. That is what I am trying to figure out for myself.

Jadtt, I did not mean to make light of your situation and apologize if that is how you felt. I only meant to point out the differences in our situations, but after reading your reply I see that our circumstances were more similar than I thought. I really appreciated you sharing your story with me, it was of great help to me, although I have to say I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I realize that no one can answer my questions for me, I only wanted to share my feelings with some people who wouldn't judge me and put me down for having them. I also agree with you that I have to be very wary of the feelings I am having for this other girl, but wary or not they are still there and still strong.

LEFEM24, Thanks for the advice. No we haven't actually had a conversation about counseling or how I really feel. We've spoken of our problems but I have never let on to the depth of my feelings, usually just blaming unhappiness with my job or our finances. I believe I even had myself convinced of this sometimes, but deep down I know there is a more serious problem. Hopefully I will be able to discuss the real issues with her soon, but it sure will be hard. Brando, It's hard to say what I feel is missing. I'm not sure everything was there that is needed for a successful marriage in the first place and now that the going is getting tougher our problems seem to be coming to the surface. I know that ultimately I will have to decide what to do on my own. But I do appreciate any advice given by the people here. Just posting here and actually seeing things laid out in front of me has been therapeutic.

Thanks Jadtt. Although our situations are not quite the same, there are similarities. Fortunately you were able to see the right thing to do for yourself before getting married. My situation is a little different as I am married and have 2 children, plus you were younger when this happened to you. The question for me is can I work out my marriage or is it too late? Do I even want to make my marriage work? Are my children better off with us staying together unhappily? And what of the feelings I have for this other girl, are they real or am i just imagining them based on my circumstances?

Hi, This is my first time posting here, or any site like this for that matter. To be honest I never thought that I would be someone who posts in places like this but I need to get my feelings out and I don't know where else to do it. I am 35 yo and been married for 6 years. My wife is 32 yo and we have 2 little girls, one 4 yo and the other 8 mos. I should warn you now that this is probably going to be a long post as I want to spill all the details. I am a college graduate who lived with his parents until he was 29 and got married. I know 29 is a long time but I just never felt that I could afford my own place with the job I had at the time and didn't have any roomate prospects. I met my wife when I was 23 and she was 19. We have been together ever since. After dating for 4+ years I asked her to marry me. Our marriage has been for the most part a happy one, but I have always had some suppressed feelings in the back of my mind. The only time I lived on my own was for 4 years at college. Other than that I have either lived with my parents or my wife. I never really had a serious relationship with another woman and only dated 2 or 3 other women before I met my wife. I feel that I missed a whole portion of growth and development as an adult by going right from living with my parents to being married, but I thought it was just a phase and I ignored the feelings. My lack of confidence with women when I was in my twenties caused me to believe that I should marry this women even when I began to have second thoughts, thinking maybe I needed to get out on my own and figure things out first, but once again I was afraid to be alone, and suppresed these feelings hoping they would go away, thinking I was in love, and for the most part the feelings did go away, only resurfacing occasionally. As time went by, I began to become more confident in myself and my abilities as an individual, and feel better about my life, but the feelings still occasionally came. How would my life be different if I had been more confident in my 20's? What if I could act on my feelings for that woman at work who flirted with me? These feelings would disappear as quickly as they came. However, after our second child was born things began to change for the worse. I became depressed about the way my life had gone, why was I so afraid in my twenties to live life on my own, to pursue a better job?(I now work for a good company and have been promoted regularly, but still am underearning considering my education). I gradually lost interest in things that used to give me pleasure, movies, music, reading, working out. I just don't do them anymore. Money became tight as my wife had to work less , what with 2 children instead of one, and the higher energy prices for our house. We began to fight more about stupid things and my 4 yo daughter has noticed, asking us why we argue and sometimes not even wanting to leave us alone to talk for fear that we will fight. To add to the stress of our situation, I took a job with a longer commute within my company for a little more money and now I don't get home until between 6 & 7 o'clock and my wife has to do everything to get the kids fed and ready for bed, even on the days that she works, we are trying to sell our house and downsize to relieve some financial pressure, and her father has recently had to be put into a nursing home. We can only seem to go for a couple of days without fighting and the other day after the kids were asleep we had a huge fight about our finances which ended with my wife crying by herself in the bedroom about what she had done to deserve such a horrible situation for herself. As always we patched things up and moved on but this time I fear there has been irreversible damage. We just don't feel close anymore, but we continue on, some good days some bad, but never truly feeling as we did(at least me). Here comes the part we are all waiting for, I have met another girl at work whom I have become attracted to. She is ten years younger than I am and has a boyfriend that she is not happy being with. I feel more strongly for her than just a passing flirtation. Do I think anything could happen between us. Yes, probably, if I was still single. Do I think that she is interested in becoming the other woman with a married man(I wouldn't want this anyway), or even becoming involved with an older divorced man with 2 children, probably not. I do think she is noticing a difference in the way I act around her as my feelings are growing(how could she not I act like a fool) and she is still playing the role of my friend. If I was single with no baggage I believe we could have a relationship despite the age difference as she is mature for her age and I am young for mine(both mentally and in appearance) and we have much in common. Anyway the point is that either way I am having a hard time getting her out of my mind even though we haven't come close to being intimate or even kissing or holding hands for that matter. All we have done is talked about our common interests together and grown closer each time we spoke. Last night for the first time I came home and couldn't get her out of my head. I was acting differently and my wife noticed. I told her many of my feelings that I stated above(minus the part about the girl) and she began to cry, not understanding why I feel that way and coming to the conclusion that she just doesn't and won't ever have a normal husband. Does this other girl just want to be friends? I don't know, the point of my post is not to decide if I should get a divorce so I can pursue her, but to find out if my feelings for her are real or just a phase, some sort of illusion because of the current state of my marriage. Personally, I think it's a little bit of both. Either way, I'm not sure staying with my wife is the right thing to do if I'm not truly in love with her anymore, it's not fair to her, and my older daughter gets very upset when we fight. What about my children who I love very much and can't bear not to see everyday, not to mention how a divorce could ruin me financially until I am able to get a higher paying job? Re-reading my post I see alot of my's and I's, I know this is selfish. Please don't post just to tell me I am selfish and a jerk, that's nothing I haven't said to myself already. Anyway I am just human and can't control the way I feel. I don't know if anyone will feel compelled to respond to my painfully long post, or even read it, but to those who do read and post their opinions I thank you. At the very least I feel a little better having typed this whole thing out. Thanks