Girlfriend Betrayed My Trust - What Now?

[sharper4]

Quick background...

I've been serious with my girlfriend for about 4 1/2 months now. I'm absolutely amazed at how close we are and what I feel for her. She feels the same. The only problems we've ever had revolve a crazy ex-girlfriend of mine that is constantly trying to make the new girlfriend look bad in an effort to get us to break up. We didn't realize it was my ex causing the problems until just a month ago. So here's what happened...

 

Yesterday my girlfriend called and needed something from my e-mail. Since I wasn't around to send it to her, I simply gave her my ID / PSWD and directed her to what she was looking for. She has never shown any interest in going through my mail and we've actually talked about something similar to this in the past since she had problems once with an ex of hers going through her e-mail. About a half hour after we hung up she text's me that "we need to talk". I call and she wants to discuss the ex. I didn't lie to her about my relationship with my ex but she was surprised to find that my ex liked me more than I led on and is disappointed to find that I had questions about the future of my relationship with her until about 2 months ago. She felt that I wasn't honest with her, even though we had discussed absolutely everything she discovered at some point in time prior to her reading it on her own. The mere fact that she read it disturbed her, not the fact that it occurred. Because she read whatever she wanted, she does know that nothing funny was happening with the ex or anything like that. Its not like there is any question of cheating or anything like that.

 

The problem that I have is that I trusted my girlfriend not to sneak around and read any other e-mail msg in my mailbox. She knew ahead of time that I would have problems if I found out she betrayed that trust and allowed her curiosity to out-weight her better judgment. Although I never lied to her and lead a pretty open life, I'm really upset about this. What happened prior to her is none of her business... even though I would likely share it with her. She claims that she would let me read anything in her mailbox so I shouldn't have a problem that she went through my mailbox.

 

I should let you know - I have a GMail account so it saves every e-mail msg you ever send or get. Its not like I was saving any of this - she went through the archive and searched for anything pertaining to the ex.

 

What do I do? Has she over-stepped a boundary or am I making something out of nothing. She apologized but doesn't really show any remorse. Instead - she actually told me that *I* need to decide if I can trust her b/c she doesn't want to be with someone that can't trust her. So basically - she betrayed me and then told me to get over it or leave. What do you think?

[Beec]

If she knew that you had such a boundary, she overstepped it. End of story.

 

If one person in the relationship wants to be left alone when in the bathroom, doign their business, and the other is comfortable going with the door open, does the person who goes with the door open have the right to walk in on the other on the pot? No, I don't think so.

 

If one person mastrubates openly, and the other person does nto want to watch, can the be forced to watch? I don't think so.

 

You had a boundary, she overstepped it, why should you trust her?

 

Welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

[Caterina]

You make a good point, but its almost like you were asking for it by giving her your password and everything.

At least she was honest with you after she did it...she contacted you right away about her insecurities and didn't hide them.

She was still in the wrong, but you weren't a saint either since you led her to believe that your ex liked you less then she did.

If you're exgirlfriend is so crazy, why are you still talking to her?

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

"She claims that she would let me read anything in her mailbox so I shouldn't have a problem that she went through my mailbox."

 

This is a very unfair assumption on her part. Just because she is okay with people reading her email does not mean others have to be okay with it. She is placing expectations on you that are really not fair. I am sure if the situation was reversed and you snooped, she would be upset about it. It would be one thing if you LET her and encouraged her to read your emails, but you did not. So her reasoning is not apples and apples.

 

"Has she over-stepped a boundary..."

 

IMO, yes. You trusted her and she compromised it. If you had something to hide, why would you openly give your password?

 

I see this issue as fixable. She is not remorseful because she felt entitled. And she will for some time. But this is going to take some time to fix, trust is very hard to get back. And the feeling is mutual. She feels she cannot trust you and visa versa. So, it is important to talk about what happened and see what can be done to make both of you feel good about the relationship and its future.

 

I wish you the best.

[Beec]

As far as her remarks regarding needing to trust her: you did show her trust, she betrayed it.

 

I may give my neighbors the keys to my house for when I go on vacation, but I do not expec them to move in and use all my stuff.

[Caterina]

She doesn't trust him because he made her think that his girlfriend didn't like him as much...or at least that is what can be derived from his initial post. I think I can definetly see from her perspective. She's probably really angry about what she saw and considers any feelings you have about being violated irrevelant because she thinks her anger is a lot more justified then yours...

 

She probably comes from the school of "people who love each other share everything, hide nothing".

[kalshane]

With all due respect, I hope this teaches ya to never give your e-mail and password to ANYONE.

 

But ya did. So what can you do? Change your passwords, and tell her that you forgive her and will trust her. What you tell yourself is that you will not tolerate another violation of that trust, because if you do, she will never respect your boundaries.

[ImThatGirl]

Out of all of this, I think the worst thing you can do is say "You betrayed me by going through my stuff. Now I don't trust you."

 

Temptation - It's a strong thing. Apparently there was question or she wouldn't have went through your mail. I'm not saying it was right for her to do so, but, it also isn't right for you to place the blame elsewhere.

 

The question is whether each of you can trust each other. Can she trust you after she read those emails? Can you trust her after she gave into temptation?

 

I think the best thing to do would be:

1) Address the issues found by her snooping.

2) Reassure her that you want to be with her.

3) Continue on in the relationship and don't give her any reasons to feel insecure.

 

I have emails from friends that would possibly be hurtful to my bf. I Never plan on him reading any of them as a form of protection. I wouldn't give him my password because some emails would be blown out of proportion. But if he by chance got into my email, the last thing I would do is say "Well - you never should have read them snooper." I'd accept responsibility and hold myself accountable for the hardships it caused the relationship.

[Beec]

Sorry, I cannot agree with this, because it brushes aside what she did. It ignores it and accepts it, as if it was ok. She was trusted with something, she abused that trust, by violating a known boudary. That's not OK.

[sharper4]

To clarify - I don't have any contact with the ex. And the "ex" really was never anything that serious... we went on a few dates and I decided she wasn't girlfriend material. Friend material, yes. Girlfriend material, no. She wanted more but I didn't - that was the end of that. Later, after I got together with my current girlfriend, the ex sent me a few msgs telling me just how interested she was in me. I never returned those feelings, but the fact that she showed that interest and I didn't give enough weight to it when telling my girlfriend, well, that's the problem. ...and the fact that my current g/f didn't like that I was close friends with the ex. (And again, for the record, I learned my lesson already about being friends with the ex or any other females for that matter - that's not what's in question here).

 

Its not that I have anything to "hide". Its the mere fact that she did it. She didn't have permission and she knew how I felt about the subject matter. I trusted her with my password. She can't just justify it was OK because she was curious. And then she turned it on me - after breaking my trust, by saying she couldn't be with someone that couldn't trust her. That hurt my feelings just as much as betraying me to begin with.

 

Obviously I changed my password but should I be worried that this is an early sign of a distrustful relationship? Should we really have to "rebuild" trust in the first 6 months? Am I over-reacting?

[arwen]

I have emails from friends that would possibly be hurtful to my bf. I Never plan on him reading any of them as a form of protection. I wouldn't give him my password because some emails would be blown out of proportion. But if he by chance got into my email, the last thing I would do is say "Well - you never should have read them snooper." I'd accept responsibility and hold myself accountable for the hardships it caused the relationship.

This is exactly how I see it. It's too late now, because you gave her your password. Did she have to browse through several pages or was there a recent convo with your ex on the first page of your inbox? Because I can imagine her being curious if she saw right away on the first page a convo with the ex.

 

It is fixable, by open communication. How does she feel towards your ex in general? You call the ex a crazy girl that tries to break you up-- I am just curious why you are still in contact with that ex. I can imagine that your gf feel threathened by that. But, your gf KNEW she shouldn't read your messages. It's important that she realizes that she crossed a line herself here. Try to separate the issues from each other in a conversation: the issue with the ex apart from the issue of her snooping.

 

Ilse

[Beec]

Plenty of realtionships have had to rebuild trust within the first six months. That's not so big a deal.

 

To me, she overstepped a boundary after being shown trust. In her case, you did not offer full disclosure, but appear to have not lied. I think you letting her mislead herself is differnet from if you mislead her. In relative terms, I think breaking a known boundary is more blameworthy, but that's not going to win you anything. If you want to fight about who is more wrong, break it off before you start.

 

If she can break boundaries and still not admit to doing anything wrong, dump her ASAFP. If she is not willing to show respect for your boundaries, there is a lack of respect and nothing worth keeping.

[arwen]

Sorry, I think you lost me here. If you have no contact with the ex, what is it that your current gf read? Sorry if I misread

 

Ilse

[ImThatGirl]

Its not that I have anything to "hide". Its the mere fact that she did it. She didn't have permission and she knew how I felt about the subject matter. I trusted her with my password. She can't just justify it was OK because she was curious. And then she turned it on me - after breaking my trust, by saying she couldn't be with someone that couldn't trust her. That hurt my feelings just as much as betraying me to begin with.

 

Obviously I changed my password but should I be worried that this is an early sign of a distrustful relationship? Should we really have to "rebuild" trust in the first 6 months? Am I over-reacting?

 

She's accepting responsibility and knows that she crossed the line and may lose you or you may not trust her. She's not giving you an ultimatum by tell you she can't be in a relationship where she's not trusted. She's expressing facts. Being in a relationship when someone constantly doesn't trust you, is terrible. Give her a second chance and the benefit of the doubt if you really want a future with her.

 

Little secret. Once my bf left his email open... I looked at a few of the emails. I could have left it open for two days and continued to look at his emails. I felt absolutely terrible for looking at a single one and would NEVER ever do it again. Ever. I wasn't as brave as her - I didn't tell him. I certainly learned what it felt like to be a snooper and admit that it was wrong of me. My temptation got the best of me. That's the only snooping I've done and will never do it again.

 

Point being, she could have just kept quiet and not told you and continuously looked at your email. Instead, she was honest with you. I don't think this marks her as someone that would continuously invade your privacy.

[sharper4]

Although I don't FULLY agree with this - I can see where your coming from. I take responsibility for perhaps not being as detailed as I should have. I don't know that it really makes a difference if I say "my ex showed interest in me" vs "my ex really wants to get back together and thinks she's better than you". The end result was the exact same... but I can see where it makes a difference to my girlfriend.

 

But are you suggesting that I'm to blame here because I gave her my password? She hadn't (that I'm aware of) betrayed my trust in the past. Just because she had access to all my mail doesn't mean she was allowed to go through it, and she knew it. The odd thing here was this very problem was an example of something she said she would never do (as support to a previous conversation) and yet here she did just the very thing she used to boost her integrity in a previous conversation. I guess that's why this stings even more.

 

Thanks for the welcome to the site. I can't believe the responses I have gotten and I really appreciate it. I hope I'm equally as helpful to you guys.

[sharper4]

This is exactly how I see it. It's too late now, because you gave her your password. Did she have to browse through several pages or was there a recent convo with your ex on the first page of your inbox? Because I can imagine her being curious if she saw right away on the first page a convo with the ex.

 

She went back a good ways - the msg about the ex liking me and wanting to get together was on July 07. My girlfriend and I first got together in late July. She went through pages and pages of msgs to find what she was looking for. But to answer the question - it wasn't really "current" and it was prior to when we started dating to begin with.

[sharper4]

Sorry, I think you lost me here. If you have no contact with the ex, what is it that your current gf read? Sorry if I misread

 

Ilse

 

She was "researching" what kind of relationship the ex & I had prior to us getting together.

[sharper4]

Thanks for all the advice guys. It looks like this might just be a one-time deal and not necessarily a deal breaker. It was wrong of her but perhaps I'm making it a bigger deal than it should be. Its nice to have an outsider look at it though and help give me perspective.

[ImThatGirl]

I can definitely understand why you feel betrayed - especially after her stating she would "never" do this.

 

I don't think blaming either one of you will help this situation.

 

It would have been nice if she understood more clearly what the ex was up to. It would have been nice if she didn't invade your privacy. It would be nice if your ex just left you alone. Woulda coulda shoulda, right?

 

If you really want a future, deal with this (sounds like you have,) and move forward. I don't think her snooping is a big red flag and you should make a huge deal out of this. I think (hope) she learned her lesson and will never do it again.

 

So what you have to ask yourself is:

Will you constantly be bothered with worries about whether you can trust her?

Do you really want to have a future with her?

Are you able to let this go now that it's been dealt with and continue on in your relationship?

 

If my bf went through all of my privacy (emails, etc,) I'd question whether he'd trust me, whether he's insecure, whether he'd be able to move on with our relationship. That would be my worry. (Not that I'd be happy about him snooping but I wouldn't make that the main issue after being confronted with the findings.)

 

If he found out that I snooped in his briefly, once, I'd hope that he'd give me the benefit of the doubt and not make this a dealbreaker. I'd hope that our relationship is strong enough to work through that rather than calling it quits.

[kellbell]

"She was "researching" what kind of relationship the ex & I had prior to us getting together."

 

See, this is VERY wrong IMO and quite frankly, it is none of her business. You both only have been dating 4 1/2 months, not long at all. You are still getting aquainted with one another, laying down the foundation. Stuff like this, she does NOT have to be privy to, not as long as you don't want her to.

 

Everyone needs their privacy and everyone deserves to have their pasts dead and buried and it not to have it re-opened by signifcant others snooping. It is my opinion because she is your girlfriend, because you gave her your password and that she has the mentality of letting others read her stuff, that she felt entitled to do what she did. Without giving the consideration on how this would affect you and the progression of this relationship.

 

I would really talk to her about this and figure out what to do from here.

[arwen]

Yep, I agree with Kellbell! I also think she is making a very big deal out of something that, let's be honest, she inflicted herself. My take is that who snoops, finds. When I first read your post I thought she may have just noticed that there was some recent convo with the ex. I think that accidentally coming accross something is different from looking for it-- that was a sign of distrust.

 

Ilse

[Caterina]

It sounds like a power struggle to me. You assert that she can't do something and threaten loss of relationship, she asserts that she can and threatens loss of relationship also. Both of you are at least willing to risk making threats, comments, whatever you want to call them about ending the relationship...which isn't a good thing.

[flower99]

I totally agree with Beec & Kellbell

That was wrong of her to snoop, You did trust her, she abused it.

Just like Beec said, If I give the neigbours a key to my house, they are NOT free to come in when they please & use what they want. It's trust.

She snooped & didn't like what she found, that's her fault. You were honest about your past (of couse you didn't share EVERY detail, but that doesn't mean you're required to)

 

She did apologized, but like you said without remorse & now turns it onto you. It doesn't seem to me like she is really understanding how she truly wronged you, though she knew the boundaries before hand. That worries me.

 

I'd talk to her again & see where it goes.

 

my finacee has my password & I have his. As tempted as I have been to snoop, I haven't. Because i know he doesn't do it to me & I don't want to do it to him. Trust is too valuable to me. so is privacy.

[flower99]

Yep, I agree with Kellbell! I also think she is making a very big deal out of something that, let's be honest, she inflicted herself. My take is that who snoops, finds. When I first read your post I thought she may have just noticed that there was some recent convo with the ex. I think that accidentally coming accross something is different from looking for it-- that was a sign of distrust.

 

Ilse

 

Good point!!!

[Juliana]

The only time someone should be granted complete access to your personal life and information is when they understand that all they can do is accept that what they find there exists; no punishment allowed -- that's coercive and controlling.

 

And I've been in some intimate relationships.