I forgave the man who cheated on me. Was this wrong?

[legnadeer]

I had a pretty bad breakup in which my ex cheated on me. During that time there wasn a was a lot of confusion, lots of anger, lots of depression, lots of drama and a lost of the innocence of our relationship. We're both 30 - both late bloomers and this relationship was each of our first serious relationships. Dated for 3 years. Lived with one another. Talked about the future. Marriage. Kids. The dog we wanted to get together.

 

So anyways - it's been almost 1.3 years since we've broken up and it still weighs on my soul from time to time. So... I forgave him a month ago. I sent him a simple card ' I forgive you (insert name here). (my name).'

 

Now this wasn't a ploy to get him back. I would not be with him again. Once someone cheats then that's it. He's lost me and my friendship forever. But I think I did it to help ease my suffering a little. And honestly it had. It was a tough decision to make. He hurt me deeply. Screwed me up even. But I did it and for the past month I felt good about sending the card, hadn't really thought about it much until I mentioned it to a friend who was surprized and appalled at what I did.

 

She loves me and has been a incredible friend to me so I know it was only out of concern and her protection of me as a friend. But this concern has put doubt in my mind and I don't think it should.

 

I'm not very religious. More spiritual than anything else. I guess I just couldn't go through my life without forgiving him even though the act was horrible. I dont want to candycoat his actions not protect him - I know that his actions were a reflection of him and it's true he's a jerk but at the same time he was never one to be a "player" he's not a jerk in that way, a lifelong cheater i guess. I know that his actions weigh heavy on his soul - grapevine - and I was inclined to let him keep that. But then I woke up one day and wrote this note and sent it to him mind you this was before I knew that he felt bad about the way things happened - i only found this out recently.

 

So what do you think gang? According to my friend I kind of let him off the hook because I forgave him. But by doing this (unitl she put a little doubt in my mind) I had finally started to feel good again. Whole. Complete. Like myself. It felt like the right thing for me to do to help myself move on. I feel like I let myself off the hook by trying to release the negative thoughts and feelings. I let go. People make mistakes. And honestly his actions allowed me to propel so much further than I ever would have most likely if I had stayed with him. My life in the last 7 months has been incredible. Just kind of happened that way and I wouldn't change it for the world. He did me a favor by releasing me to be honest.

 

Anyways I didn't want a response so I did not include my return address (have a different email and phone number too). There is no way he could get in contact with me.

 

I guess I just figured life is too short and I did love this man at one time. We shared some special moments together. I was trying to be a better person. And for me forgiveness was the key.

 

Have any of you guys ever done something like this before? Is my friend correct? Should I have just let him ride the bullet forever? Or was letting go - forgiveness - the key?

[agent1607307371]

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

 

I think you did a good thing, for both of you.

[RayKay]

Forgiveness allows us to heal and move forward. Does not mean you forget, but it does mean you can let go of the anger that keeps you stuck in the moment.

 

Your friend can't tell you what you should do and feel, as she is not you and experiencing it from your own person. If you felt it was right, and it has helped you - then of course you did the right thing.

 

And on his side, maybe he can also use this to let go, and move on, and work on himself as well and learn from these mistakes.

[moonbeam111]

I would have been happy to have a friend like you. I think that you have grown a lot and let go of blame. No wonder you feel whole and healed.

 

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,

we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.

So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,

but in wisdom, understanding and love.

Jennifer Edwards

[shes2smart]

On the contrary, what you did was very right.

 

But only if you want to be able to move forward with no bitterness, lingering doubts, resentments and anger to complicate future relationships. If you want to keep carrying that baggage forward with you, then you should've held onto that grudge until your cold, dead fingers were pried off of it.

[HellFrost666]

You are obviously a very strong person and very secure. I commend you. Forgivness is not an easy thing.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

No, I'd say that if you truly forgive him, that's spiritually healthy.

 

Don't ever get back with him though. He's probably still a SOAB.

[legnadeer]

thanks guys.

 

spoke with my friend again last night. man she really knows how to push the buttons of doubt sometimes i really think some friends even though you love them aren't healthy in a way.

 

says that i fed his ego by forgiving him, that he's probably all like she still wants me, etc. that i justshould have continued nc. just blows bc honestly i was doing so fine without this and now it just has made me doubt my actions. i really wasn't doing it for a reaction from him. now b/c of her worries/fears my thoughts / imagination have flowed to what she was saying.

 

fed his ego. she says he really didn't deserve anything from me b/c he was just such a jack. and then said then again - maybe it'll make him think about what he did and what a wonderful girl i was so perhaps it was a good thing b/c maybe i made him suffer a little bit more with it.

 

friends sometimes i swear... but thanks again for the encouragement or validation - like i said i think i did the right thing...i'll try not to think about the things my friend said. probably shouldn't mention anything to her again. her reaction fed my doubt.

[southerngirl]

Yes, you did do the right thing. Your friend is wrong. She can be your friend and care about you truly and deeply, but that doesnt mean she is right all the time!

 

If you had done it for a reaction, you would have left a return address and telephone number. You didnt. Way to go on letting go of it, now you are free to move on with the rest of your life and not carry that anger and hatrid with you.

[Tj williams]

ok i can tell you that i forgave someone for the same thing. even if you friend loves you to death and you love her or what not, isn't she suppose to support you? thats what best friends are for. she needs to realize that not every guy would feel the same if someone forgave them. it just makes you a stronger person. im sure he feels guilt no matter what. but you did do that right thing. about mine my ex girlfriend cheated on me. i mean i never would of open myself up i would of never let something like this happen but i saw something in her which made me feel me, but she was drunk one night and cheated on me but i told her face to face that, i forgive you, * * * * happens yea no one perfect an honest mistake. it helped me move on. but im glad your doing well now.

_______________

Im not god or anything, but i forgive you no matter what you did.

[Juliana]

Your friend is messed up.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I would have been happy to have a friend like you. I think that you have grown a lot and let go of blame. No wonder you feel whole and healed.

 

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,

we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.

So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,

but in wisdom, understanding and love.

Jennifer Edwards

 

 

This is good^. You don't need to be with a guy that cheated on you. If he really loved you, the person inside, then there is no way he would cheat. The physical is so unimportant I think when it comes to love. The real deal, the thing that is in the eyes, I don't think it ever gets old. Attraction may where off a little, but love would have made sure he never even would think of cheating on you.

 

It's a good thing to forgive, it clears the heart, for something new.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

Maybe your friend has some info that we aren't privy to, hence the strong negative response. BUT I do believe you did what was right for you. If you feel good about your decision and if you feel as though sending him that card finally closed the chapter on that relationship on a positive note, then no need to second guess yourself, IMO ...

[HangingInThere]

but you forgiving him wasnt about him (tell your friend that). You did it for you!

 

And he would be very silly to think you want him back because of this gesture - Does your friend know that you did not include any contact info?

 

Happy for you!

[JohnnyTable]

Keep in mind that you can forgive somebody without telling the other person.

[legnadeer]

thanks guys.

 

yeah johnny i know - it just felt like i needed to put it out there in the universe though, can't explain it.

 

but actually after reading these, speaking to my "new guy" (who completely was ok with the decision etc.) and pondering it myself. i'm good. i think it was just a momentary lapse of oh no...

 

Ellie yeah the breakup was...not so nice. but such is the way it goes when one partner choses to stray

 

Attraction may where off a little, but love would have made sure he never even would think of cheating on you.

 

I loved him so never would have cheated on him. Just didn't love me in the same way and...it's okay. Doors opened up to something new (finally lol) and I'm happy.

 

cheers guys. thanks and love yah.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

your friend could be having an overexaggerated protective reaction towards you... maybe she was afraid you were trying to initiate contact for the purpose of getting together wth him again... and didn't understand your motivation.

 

so i think you should make it clear to her that this is a very positive thing for you, and that you are relieved etc. and were not intent on a reconciliation, but closure for yourself.

 

so i think you did a very good thing, and don't let her rain on your parade. just tell her 'i did it for me...for closure,' and if she keeps harping on it, i would ask her, 'what is *your* problem that this is upsetting you so much? i feel *great*!!' if she doesn't back off, she may need to examine her own motivations for being upset about this, which has nothing to do with your or your ex-boyfriend.

 

and if she thinks he should be continually punished etc. and doesn't recognize this gesture you did was for your own benefit more than his, then she probably has her own baggage where she does not believe in forgiveness etc.

[legnadeer]

Just read through this and wanted to update.

 

The friend I spoke of in this post and I no longer are friends. I realized because of this and a couple of other things that her suggestions were more meddling and destructive for me and my healing and I had to "dump her" as well. Two years later... I'm very glad I did.

[ghostgirl116]

i think you did a good thing. i made you feel good, and allowed you to let go of the hurt. forgiveness is a good thing.

[bambina maxima]

Good for you! I we forget that it's okay to "dump" friends who are not a healthy part of our balanced breakfasts. Or something like that.