My break-up story.. Am I wrong??

[Riggz41510]

Then you're not sure what love is really all about. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes you lose. But you have your priorities in order and you know what's most important to you and that's what really matters beause in the end you're the only one who can do that.

 

Just because I don't love someone the way they want me too.. Doesn't men I don't love them..

 

I am willing to put it all on the line.. While we are *TOGETHER*, but why should I have to give up money after a marriage??

 

Look at Paul McCartney he just offered his wife of 3 years 30,000,000 pounds(over 55 million US dollars) and she said NO!! She wants 100,000,000 pounds.. Pretty sure she swore to him she would never do him like that.. Now that is a extreme case. but I'm just adding some substance to my post. By law she is entitled to a large part of his fortune.. He had no prenup..

[Beyondthesea]

So if everyone is wrong and you are right, why is this discussion even open any longer? You have made up your mind.

 

I think this is just a 'flamer' post.

[DN]

Marriage in the eyes of the law is a contract and everyone who gets married has a default pre-nuptial agreement - one dictated by the laws of the place where you live. A negotiated prenup is simply one that amends the default.

[dogheadma]

Just because I don't love someone the way they want me too.. Doesn't men I don't love them..

 

Of course not, but you have to be willing to compromise.

 

I am willing to put it all on the line.. While we are *TOGETHER*, but why should I have to give up money after a marriage??

 

 

If you are willing to put it all on the line then that means whether it works out or not. I agree that you shouldn't have to give up your money if it doesn't and you just want insurance in case the marriage contract dosen't work out because the laws are slanted against your favor. But from your girlfriends point of view perhaps she sees it as you not trusting her. That's something that you should also take into consideration.

[Riggz41510]

Of course not, but you have to be willing to compromise.

 

 

 

If you are willing to put it all on the line then that means whether it works out or not. I agree that you shouldn't have to give up your money if it doesn't and you just want insurance in case the marriage contract dosen't work out because the laws are slanted against your favor. But from your girlfriends point of view perhaps she sees it as you not trusting her. That's something that you should also take into consideration.

 

Honestly.. What woman in her right mind prior to marriage would say "Yes, honey if things don't work out I'm going to take you for everything you have"?

 

So if you don't look out for you, who will?

[Luck of the Irish]

Well I'm 29 I make close too $150,000. I own a few pieces of property and I'm a pretty well rounded decent guy.

 

If you view a relationship in this aspect, then you are doomed to fail. If you think of a woman analytically as another piece of property or an investment, and you compare the return VS the time/money invested then it won't ever come back in your favor.

 

Let me ask this. Are you happy? I make $20,000 a year and struggle with bills everyday, but I'm happy.

[Riggz41510]

If you view a relationship in this aspect, then you are doomed to fail. If you think of a woman analytically as another piece of property or an investment, and you compare the return VS the time/money invested then it won't ever come back in your favor.

 

Let me ask this. Are you happy? I make $20,000 a year and struggle with bills everyday, but I'm happy.

 

Yes.. I'm very happy!!

 

Is happiness gauged on being in love? I just bought me a new car, I have great friends.. I volunteer at the YMCA.. and I help coach a football team..

 

I personally feel that people who are not well of financially use the whole. "well money can't buy happiness" Maybe it can't, but it can sure buy things that make me happy..

 

My life is fine and I'm happy..

[Scout]

I personally feel that people who are not well of financially use the whole. "well money can't buy happiness" Maybe it can't, but it can sure buy things that make me happy..

 

You are young, and all the bright shiny material things in the world hold great appeal to you now. As you get older, you may very well discover, though, that the more you own, the more they own you. Look how you are already worried your money is going to get taken away from you if you get married. That fear is, at least in some ways, contributing to your current separation from your girl.

 

I'm not saying your fears aren't valid, but I'm just pointing out how caring a great deal about money and material things also comes with a price.

[tictactoe2006]

While I feel that the OP could have couched his opinions a little better, personally, I understand his viewpoint 100%. It's tough nowadays, and when you work so hard to get ahead in life, you don't want someone to be able to destroy your life simply because they don't love you any more.

 

If the girlfriend would not sign the prenup, that tells me she was likely lookign for a 3-5 year marriage, then dump him for her kids' father and take half his life away from him.

 

Good for him for not falling for it.

[Riggz41510]

You are young, and all the bright shiny material things in the world hold great appeal to you now. As you get older, you may very well discover, though, that the more you own, the more they own you. Look how you are already worried your money is going to get taken away from you if you get married. That fear is, at least in some ways, contributing to your current separation from your girl.

 

I'm not saying your fears aren't valid, but I'm just pointing out how caring a great deal about money and material things also comes with a price.

 

I also care about love, family and friends.. I am a advocate for loving healthy relationships..

 

Its like people think I'm saying I don't want to be in a loving committed relationship, just because I don't want to marry..

[Scout]

No, I'm not saying that, I was actually referring to your comments about material wealth. I got a little off topic from the original thread. I have already said I believe you love your girlfriend.

[Riggz41510]

No, I'm not saying that, I was actually referring to your comments about material wealth. I got a little off topic from the original thread. I have already said I believe you love your girlfriend.

 

Thank you

[dogheadma]

 

So if you don't look out for you, who will?

 

No one. Sometimes you decide to just trust.

[DN]

When about half of all marriages fail it is not unreasonable for people (both men and women) to take steps to safeguard hard-earned assets accumulated while alone. Most jurisdictions will not recognise a pre-nup that is blatantly one-sided or obtained under some sort of coercion but they do recognise one that takes into account differing circumstances.

 

Remember that the only obligations incurred in a marriage that can continue after a divorce are financial. Despite the romantic associations connected with a wedding it is a binding, legal contract. No one would think it unreasonable to take reasonable and fair precautions when entering into any other form of financial contract.

 

Romance, love and good-will towards one's partner is not usually a feature of a divorce.

[Slagar]

If the girlfriend would not sign the prenup, that tells me she was likely lookign for a 3-5 year marriage, then dump him for her kids' father and take half his life away from him.

 

Although a possibility, I disagree.

I think she wants to get married for true love. Having to sign a prenup... well, I can see how it might hurt for her - because it would give the feeling that you don't trust her. She wants to marry because of love and trust. But she too, should perhaps look for the wisdom in the idea.

 

Personally, if I was in love enough to get married, I'd certainly consider a prenup, whether I was the prime bread-winner or not. As the OP makes a good point, it's fine to give while you're in love, but if things don't work out, it gets messy, and if you have the rules set beforehand, it just makes things easier. For those of you that wouldn't consider signing a prenup, think about a past relationship, think about someone you loved very much, that left you. Now imagine having to deal with the pain of that breakup, AS WELL AS giving them a lot of your money to boot. Doesn't seem so appealing, does it?

 

That said, I'm a strong believer in love. I would only consider marriage if I was one hundred percent certain I'd want to spend my life with that person. If I didn't trust them or feel strongly enough about them, then marriage wouldn't be an option. But, even-so, this day in age, a prenup is certainly not a bad idea.

 

The true issue here, is that simply the OP doesn't believe in marriage in the same way that the girl does. Unless you both communicate carefully your feelings on the issue, and come to some sort of result to both give you piece of mind, the relationship is doomed.

I've felt the OP hasn't shown a lot of respect for this girl or her views. Okay, so he may not want to get married at this point, but if he actually cares about this girl enough to want to continue to have her in his life, then perhaps more careful discussion with her is required. You both need to be open-minded about eachothers views on the topic. If she isn't open to the idea of not getting married at this point, or the idea of a prenup, and is basically willing to end everything because of this, well, perhaps you're better off going your separate ways.

[Riggz41510]

For those of you that wouldn't consider signing a prenup, think about a past relationship, think about someone you loved very much, that left you. Now imagine having to deal with the pain of that breakup, AS WELL AS giving them a lot of your money to boot. Doesn't seem so appealing, does it?

 

Slagar,

 

That was very well said..

[shikashika]

what do you suggest in a situation, where one person doesn't bring anything financially to the marriage... as I suggested in my post?

 

I used the example of my mum who spend years raising me and my brothers and feeding us, takign care of me, my brothers and my dad..

 

If they were to haev signed a prenup....and gotten divorced... my mum would have walked away with NOTHING.

 

Finances aren't the only thing one contributes to a marriage... but when the divorce comes, thats how they divide it...

 

Must suck if you spend years doign a non-paid job taking care of your family and then you get left with nothing.

 

I firmly don't believe in prenups... for better or for worse... if you think "But something might happen to our marriage... it may not work out!'.....

 

then don't get married.

[annie24]

Wow!!! I'm not angry with women.. Its just the fact of the matter is that the legal system shows preferential treatment too women..

 

I don't see how I wanting to protect my finances, makes me angry with women?? I'm simply not willing to put it all on the line for "LOVE".

 

link removed

 

prior to this supreme court case in 1974, men were given preferential treatment when it came to child custody cases. all things being equal, the law said that the preference should go to men, and this law was finally struck down in 1974 (Reed v. Reed).

 

I was saying that you seemed really angry at women given the examples you were citing, that women have no problem taking off from men, while men don't feel that way. I would say that is a gross generalization. I know one man who left his wife of 20 years, along with his disabled son, and took off to europe and bought a house in europe with his wife's money!! she is now broke, while he is living it up with his mistress. she will likely be able to fight it, but the court system in europe takes so long, she probably won't be able to get her money back for 10 years.

 

why don't you just find a woman who has similar views on marriage and prenups as you do? maybe if you married an equally wealthy and successful woman, you would feel less threatened?

[jenny_mcs]

I am a lawyer, and although my firm does not specialize in family law, I am fairly familiar with the laws that govern divorce and division of assets.

 

Practically speaking, when you voice fears that if you marry this girlfriend, she will "take everything you have", you are incorrect. Anything you bring into the marriage (property, 401K, investments) are yours, should the marriage dissolve.

 

What *could* be contested, should you marry and then divorce, are what you earn (through wages, appreciation of property, maturity of investments, etc) while you are married. In 99 of 100 cases this is very straightforward. Things only get really crazy in the case of extreme wealth (which brings many complications of multiple properties, investments, companies, etc), and while making over 100K a year is great, it doesn't really put you in the "wealthy & complicated" category.

 

This works both ways, and it is becoming more common to see wives pay their exes spousal support.

 

But if you do choose to get married, as many previous posters have pointed out, you are entering into a contract. What you are basically saying is that everything you gain from that point on is shared (not always 50/50, but always shared)- and as such will have to be divided should divorce occur. This includes wages, possessions, and children.

 

Marriage has for many thousands of years been a way to make a tangible commitment to another person, in front of God (if you are religious), your family, and your community. It has deep obligations, spiritual for some, but also many other ways.

 

Divorce, not just 50 years ago, was very difficult to obtain. As divorce laws have loosened, and it becomes easier to obtain them, some of those bonds have loosened, leaving really only in place, spiritual (again, if you believe this) and financial bonds.

 

If you are not ready to say that you are *with* this woman- you are becoming one- what you earn is hers and what she earns is yours, that what she buys is yours, what you buy is hers, then you should not get married.

 

She is not wrong to want this- but you are not wrong to *not* want this. She deserves someone who will say to her "Yes, from this day forward, everything I earn/achieve/bring to our home is *ours*".

 

You are completely to be OK to be saying "I want love and companionship, but what I earn/acquire/achieve will only be mine."

 

I think it's for the better that the relationship ended, and hope you are OK with it.

 

jenny

[annie24]

thanks jenny! I am glad we heard from a real life lawyer on this thread!

[DN]

thanks jenny! I am glad we heard from a real life lawyer on this thread!

Since the OP lives in California I imagine the legal advice is good. But many members are from other countries than the USA and the laws vary greatly from country to country.

[Scout]

thanks jenny! I am glad we heard from a real life lawyer on this thread!

 

Bighair posted and she's a lawyer, too.

[annie24]

Bighair posted and she's a lawyer, too.

 

oh cool! glad to hear about all the lawyers on this thread!!!

[annie24]

Since the OP lives in California I imagine the legal advice is good. But many members are from other countries than the USA and the laws vary greatly from country to country.

 

hm... then maybe it would be worth it for riggzz and others in his situation to have a consultation with a divorce lawyer, find out the laws for the area in which they live, and to find out what would happen in case of a divorce (either with or without a prenup).

 

the other thing is, people move. just because they get married in CA doesn't mean they'll wind up living there.

[Scout]

oh cool! glad to hear about all the lawyers on this thread!!!

 

Yeah, I'm impressed with that myself!