how important is sex in a relationship?

[shau_nee]

i believe it's about 80 percent of the relationship. the better the sex is the better the relationship.

[nadine_3110]

I totally do not agree with that. I have been with my bf only 5 months and we have never had sex. I barely ever think of having sex with him, he probably thinks about it but he will never pressure me to do that. This is just my opinion but sex is probably closer to the 'unimportant' than to 'important' on the scale. Just don't think you need to have sex with someone to get to know them better or feel connected to them.

[justpaisley]

You'd better hope your significant other never becomes incapacitated in any way. Then what?

[rose2summer]

I agree with nadine in that sex is a component of a relationship but I don't believe a significant one.

 

It's much more important to be very emotionally involved than as physically involved, especially at the onset.

 

Then as you know someone better and better, you can share intimacy, but make sure the emotional aspect is everpresent.

 

The reason I say this is because sex can cloud judgement, so you want to be clear-minded before partaking in it.

 

Hugs, Rose

[leyla_h]

I was just thinking about this literally 2 minutes ago. Me and my bf have gone a year without having sex because he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I realised that we're the only LT couple out of both of our friend groups that aren't having sex, yet we are the most sucessful couple (in terms of how we get on etc). Shows that sex isn't everything.

 

However. I do feel that once you DO start having sex, it does become important. Me and my bf do other stuff like oral sex which is quite important in our relationship. Though I'd only say it takes up about 60% of the relationship. The rest relies on how well we get on, the other things we do together. I think it changes from relationship to relationship. Sex might be more important to some couples than it is to other couples. I suppose it relies on how high their sex-drives are!

[Day_Walker]

I believe that sex is a significant component of a relationship, I am not willing to say it is as high as 80% but I would say that it is definitely over 50%. I say this because sex is linked to other aspects of the relationship mainly communication and emotional involvement. I dont believe that the better the sex the better the relationship, this would be true if the relationship was primarily based on sex and if you believe 80% to be appropriate then I can see how you believe that.

I know that sex is something that I will end a relationship over if our sexual needs are not compatible or because of repressive sexual behavior.

[arwen]

I think good sex is an expression of intimacy in a relationship. Obviously in a relationship with NO sex, it's not significant, but once it's there, it is. It's something you develop together, a special connection that is only between you and your partner. I think the importance of sex can be seen of the many many cases we can read on this forum of (often LT) relationships between partners that have very different needs in that department, and turn out to even be incompatible in that respect. If sex fades away and one of the partners is unsatisfied, that can lead to resentment, distance and affect the relationship overall.

 

Ilse

[shau_nee]

i believe that sex is the strongest bond that two people can share and it also involves alot of trust. and how far you go with sex is how far you trust that person. i feel that sex shows the other person how much you love them and care for them and that they are the only person you want to be with.

[Cadence308]

I think sex should contribute equally to other aspects of the relationship such as spiritual, intellectual, social, etc., so maybe about one-sixth of a relationship. I think it's over-rated.

[TheRedQueen]

Sex is a vital component to a healthy relationship, but I have been in unhealthy relationships where in which sex was the only component. Sex is something, but it certainly isn't everything.

[Beec]

I think it really depends on the people involved. For those with high sex drives, it probably matters more than for those with lower drives.

[TheRedQueen]

I think it really depends on the people involved. For those with high sex drives, it probably matters more than for those with lower drives.

Great point, I agree.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Yep, I agree with Beec as well.

 

It's as important as both partners deem it to be.

 

If both people aren't really interested in sex, and have other ways to connect meaningly, then it probably is less important.

 

For others, it can be the single most important aspect in their relationship.

 

You and your partner define your relationship, not some self-help book, formula, or online forum.

[TheRedQueen]

You and your partner define your relationship, not some self-help book, formula, or online forum.

 

Bloody brilliant!!!!! I totally agree. Wait, what the hell am I doing here then

[quietgrl]

sex is the strongest bond!!!! . I hope not because anybody can have sex but most people can't have verbal initmacy in a relationship.The most important or strongest bond two people can have is verbal intimacy. How many couples can say they have open ,honest,communication in their LT relationship but i've seen sooo many couples having sex without having both or verbal.

I think in a relationship verbal initmacy is important and sex is the bonus.The relationship should survive with or without sex.

[ramsickle1369]

I don’t understand why sex is being pitted against all the other components of a relationship. It boils down to compatibility. If both partners aren’t in to sex, then it won’t matter much. However, when one person IS into sex and the other isn’t, the one that wants it more might seek that fulfillment outside the relationship. It doesn’t mean the rest is “less” important. All components are equally important. After all, if sex weren’t important, then why bother marrying in the first place? The rest of the relationship is no more than an amazing friendship.

 

I know first hand what being the one who wants it more feels like. The relationship dies a slow death when you don’t feel desired by the one you want. I had it all—and I do mean all! We were connected… SO connected. Best friends, had a blast all the time, laughed, loved, shared… we had everything except sex and I have never felt so empty.

 

There is an intense closeness that comes from sex. Those wee moments when all the world disappears because you are so close to one another, so physically in tuned that the rest of the world disappears. Yes, you can get this without sex, and that’s called friendship.

[melrich]

I think Ramsickle gets this best for me. You can't talk percentages and things, to me that makes no sense. The components of a relationship do not stand in silos, they are all integrated and the degree of integration varies from one relationship to another.

 

It is important, no doubt. Not just for the act itself but for the increased level of intimacy and passion it introduces to all your other interactions with your partner.

 

To me, without any sex (and I include in sex, oral and close intimacy) you are close friends.

[Cardinal]

I believe that sex is a significant component of a relationship, I am not willing to say it is as high as 80% but I would say that it is definitely over 50%. I say this because sex is linked to other aspects of the relationship mainly communication and emotional involvement. I dont believe that the better the sex the better the relationship, this would be true if the relationship was primarily based on sex and if you believe 80% to be appropriate then I can see how you believe that.

I know that sex is something that I will end a relationship over if our sexual needs are not compatible or because of repressive sexual behavior.

 

These are pretty much my thoughts exactly. I wouldn't want to be with someone who rarely thinks about sex and the intimate/emotional things that directly go with it.

 

Take away sex. Take away the intimacy and emotions and the strong bond that goes with that kind of involvement and I would basically have a friend for a partner. Some people view friendship as the strongest part of a relationship and want a best friend for life only. That wouldn't work for me at all. I put a high value on sex and intimacy.

[Deviant_Kate]

 

It's as important as both partners deem it to be.

 

 

That's what I was going to say! Sex is ranked differently in importance to each person and each couple.

[jimthzz]

if sex is not important at some stage of a romantic relationship than what you have is a platonic friendship, not a romance.

 

You cannot achieve the heights of emotional connection without sharing sexual experience or two or three or many.

 

What is the point of having an adult relationship with someone and defining it as a romantic relationship without attempting to sharing in all of the joy possible between two people?

[ramsickle1369]

if sex is not important at some stage of a romantic relationship than what you have is a platonic friendship, not a romance.

 

You cannot achieve the heights of emotional connection without sharing sexual experience or two or three or many.

 

What is the point of having an adult relationship with someone and defining it as a romantic relationship without attempting to sharing in all of the joy possible between two people?

 

My sentiments exactly! I got divorced for this EXACT reason! Believe me, it is quite damaging emotionally to not have the other person DESIRE you -- even if it's agreed upon at some point or you think you are "OK" with it now.

[lman69]

It depends on the people and the stage of the relationship.

 

Older married couples definintly don't care as much as a new couple in general.

[jimthzz]

Define older?

 

I'm 48 and still consider it important.

 

I fully expect to still consider it important for decades to come.

 

Yet I also know people younger than me who have given up on sex.

 

But if they are married at some point they thought it important to their marriage.

 

If someone goes into a marriage and has no desire for sex than they are merely a platonic friendship with better legal protections for the more dependent person in the partnership.

[kelkel]

Well let me add my little say to this !

I think EVERYTHING is important in a relationship, but i think different things become more important at different points and different LEVELS of the relationship.

SEX definitely cannot be 80% of a serious relationship between 2 people who love each other more than words can say, further more, anybody can have sex, there are one night stands, beastiality, homosexuality, rape, you name it, and then there is making love, which includes sex but that is only such a part of it. Now do NOT attack me or get me wrong u can be in love and have sex (not make love) but that is for pure satisfaction you can do even for yourself. What i am saying is mental connection, physical connection, emotional connection, spiritual connection are far more important!! or else you are simply rutting on each other to get that animalistic thirst quenched !

Sex surely is a part of a relationship, but the percentage of importance is dependent on that specific relationship.......... and the more balanced it's importance is, is the more satisfying it should be, for when all teh connections are in place.......you will realise that you need more than 20% of those connections in the relationship for that sex to mean more and take you to that heaven ! and dont put a lenght of time on it, love was never given a minimum or maximum time limit!

[ramsickle1369]

Why is it that things seem to ONLY become important in a relationship when they AREN'T there.

 

I am starting to believe that I never “made love” with my husband. We never reached that plateau. The intimacy you speak of, kelkel, is what I feel was always missing from my relationship. I am so confused now that I am not sure I've EVER "made love" to someone. I have had two very long term relationships, but it seems it was always the animalistic approach or nothing at all.

 

How would you describe making love versus great sex? I always thought I knew the difference, it was when the heart was involved and both parties really loved each other. Now, I'm no so sure...