Do you ever look around...

[Jayar]

Do you ever look around and see these WONDERFUL relationships, and hope that one day you will be part of one just as great? I have been lately, and in a way it's helping me see my relationship with my ex for what it really was.

 

For instance, there's this girl I work with who has a GORGEOUS boyfriend who positively ADORES her. Shortly after they met, he flew overseas to meet up with her on a prolonged vacation. When they got back home they moved in together, and they've been together ever since (going on 2 years now). There isn't any doubt there for either of them; they want to be together.

 

Or there's my supervisor, who in conversation stated that he just KNEW his wife was the one he was going to marry after maybe 2 or 3 dates.

 

Or how about another co-worker who just recently married and bought a house with his fiancee whom he absolutely ADORES. There's no insecurity there; they both know they're meant for one another.

 

So why is it if people seem to be ALLOWED to have relationships like that, it feels like I'm not? Perhaps it is self-defeating since I want so badly to be back in my relationship with my ex even though I know that it was not the loving, secure relationship with no room for doubt that I crave.

 

Maybe it's a fear of the unknown. If someone showed me two doors, and through the first door was a life with my ex (neither better nor worse than it had been for the past 2.5 years) and through the second was the guarantee of a future with a WONDERFUL man whom I loved and knew with certainty he loved me... I'd pick the second door. But the KEY there is the guarantee of that perfect love. If there was the risk of being alone or never finding better, I'd just pick the door that would lead me to life with my ex.

 

What I WANT is the perfectly undeniable love that the people around me seem to find, and I just can't see happening for me.

[renaissancewoman101]

I understand how you feel. It's hard to see when other people seem to have a picture perfect relationship and/or marriage and you are just coming out of a relationship. You have to keep in mind that your time will come, that it is just down the road, and to just keep living because it will come. Also what appears on the outside may not be on the inside, meaning that those people that you see with the picture perfect relationships, may, in fact have a horrible relationship behind closed doors that you DONT see, and they just might be portraying an image to outsiders.

 

I know this is no consolation. But there is someone out there for you. I try to keep that in mind as I plod along. I miss my best friend T (who is also my husband) but I know that relationship should NOT be resurrected and it is hard not to go back to the familiar (emotionally abusive) relationship, esp when there is nothing on the horizon and one feels very much alone. But remember there is always someone out there for you.

[AzureSkyes69]

Don't feel badly I feel the same as you do and I am in the same boat sort of.My ex and I it was a relationship that was pure tourtue mostly a few good times but not many..I have like you looked around at couples and said to myself .."why can't I find what they..have?" "Am I unworthy of such a love?" and been utterly depressed looking at couples that are all lovey dovey and I just sitting there hoping to have that someday...

 

I want to find that lasting healthy (non-disfunctional) life long love.

 

Don't ever give up Jayar.there is always hope...that is what I constanly try to reafirm to myself.

Maybe it is when we arn't looking or expecting it... it happens.

[ImThatGirl]

Interesting that you would post this today.

 

I'm in a relationship now of about 3 months. Everything was great until a week or two ago. Now it seems everything has changed. I'm positive the end is near.

 

It brought me to thinking, why do all of my relationships fail? There are so many people (almost everyone I know,) that have good relationships, someone to go home to each day.

 

I've dated plenty of guys = trying to find the one that was right for me. Hmp So far - none of my relationships have been successful. At this time, I'm feeling like it must be me. I must be unworthy of that undying love. I must be destined to be single. That makes me sick.

[Jayar]

See, when we first broke up I thought of how CRUEL life and God and fate was to take my ex away from me. WHY did some higher power feel I deserved this kind of pain and did not deserve my ex...

 

But now in a lot of ways I see that my ex didn't really CHERISH me. He was kind to me and cared about me, and did little things to show it. But we were on a completely different emotional plane. He was my world. To him, I was a friend that he happened to sleep with. He never let me into his world or his family. That hurt. Maybe, just MAYBE that higher power has different plans for me, but in order to realize them I had to allow this door to close with my ex.

 

Maybe it's the same for you? Maybe all these failed relationships are just keeping us free for the one that is meant to be? Is there such a thing as fate?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I am coming from a different place at the moment.

 

For a long long time I have believed in the "perfect" relationship..two people..meant to be together..love...fireworks...and moonlit walks...

 

sigh... not so much anymore...

 

i'm seeing so many relationships fall apart around me- the ones i used as role models for my 'future" relationships.

 

I'm realizing..that there is no 'perfect" relationship....there is only the one that makes you happy.

 

That realization ..actually makes me feel better.

[ImThatGirl]

I am big on counting failed relationships as lessons learned. Not only about relationships but lessons about ourselves.

 

I had taken a break of about two years, only dating but never serious dating. I was strong. I felt more independent than ever. My children and I moved away from family (closer to where I work.) I decided I'd never date anyone from the county I grew up in and moved from. lol I worked on myself and decided I'd take a chance.

 

I have yet to figure out why I've been put here at this time. When is enough, enough? How many more lessons do I need to learn?

 

After the bitter notes above, I must say I do agree with you. Somehow this is all part of the plan. But I can't figure out why the goal is so difficult to get to.

 

You definitely deserve more than what your ex offered you. Stay strong - Everybody deserves somebody and deserves the best! You will get that if you can keep your chin up!

[shes2smart]

Jayar -

 

I coulda written that (or something very similar) about 6 or 7 years ago. I was into the last bit of the relationship with the old man who cheated on me.

 

Before that relationship, I was involved on and off with an alcoholic...and that whole series of events made me very bitter for a long time.

 

Then, 5 years ago, I met my husband. He proposed a week after our first date. And the last 5 years have been....amazing. Healthiest, sanest, bestest relationship either of us have ever been in. If I wasn't in this relationship and I saw us out in public, I'd be torn between being jealous and wanting to puke because it's all that cutesy.

 

For his part, my husband had left his first marriage (he married very young) when he caught his ex-wife cheating on him...so he's been in a similar place, too.

 

I don't know of any sure-fire, definite ways to end up in a good relationship, but I can tell you what I did:

 

>I spent most of my 30's in therapy getting my own #$%@ together.

 

>After I broke up with the cheater and before I met my husband (I was 37 at the time), I decided that I would live my life AS IF I would be single for the duration.

 

>I had a will and other papers drawn up, I was saving money to buy a house or condo on my own, I set out a financial plan to save for my own retirement.

 

>I well and truly gave up on the hope/idea that I'd ever get married. I figured I'd date when/if the opportunity arose and if I felt like it...I even figured I'd eventually get into another relationship...but I decided no more living with bf's...and while I wanted to get married and build a life with someone, I wasn't going to count on it happening.

 

One other thing...I do know that if I hadn't had the relationship and life experiences I'd had before I met my husband, there is NO WAY I would've been ready to be in this relationship the way it is. I had to go through all of that and learn all those lessons first (sometimes learning things the hard way because I'm so freakin' stubborn) before I was ready to be here.

[rose2summer]

I do feel this way too.

 

When I go to the mall on Saturdays, I see these happy couples with adorable babies.

 

And I think wow, hopefully someday, I can be so in love with a man and be blessed with a child.

 

That hope keeps moving me forward and long as I keep believing, I know it will happen, but I must be patient.

 

Hugs, Rose.

[Jayar]

Such inspirational posts...

 

BTW, the thing with my ex is still up in the air. He's supposed to call this week to let me know if I am- ahem- WORTHY of trying our relationship again. At this moment I don't know how I feel, but the reality is either he will call and say no way or he'll call and want to try again and I will, even though I know it isn't what is best in the long run.

[need2bme]

First of all, very good post. Thank you so much for posting it, as I am SURE we have all felt that way at one time or another.

 

Second, it actually makes me happy that there are women out there that feel this way. It leaves hope for us guys. So, it also gives me faith that there is that special person for all of us.

 

Finally, having said that, I know that I have to make myself ready to know when that person arrives and be accepting to it. I realize I have flaws and I have to work on me. All self help books read that we "teach others how to treat us", so I have to know how to treat myself first.

 

I am telling you though, this time I will be ready and this time, I will not settle for someone who cannot talk about issues or at the very least, provide some PDAs.

 

Thanks again for the post.

[Scout]

So why is it if people seem to be ALLOWED to have relationships like that, it feels like I'm not? Perhaps it is self-defeating since I want so badly to be back in my relationship with my ex even though I know that it was not the loving, secure relationship with no room for doubt that I crave.

 

It's not that these people are allowed to be in healthy relationships, and you're not. It's that they've chosen to be in healthy relationships, and you haven't. At least not with your last one.

 

But...I think you probably know this in your heart, anyway.

[TheRedQueen]

I take it that you don't live in Los Angeles, cuz I can't remember the last time I saw what I perceived to be as two people in a WONDERFUL relationship. Nope sure can't.

[renaissancewoman101]

TRQ, I live in CA, although not in LA, but sometimes when I hang out at the mall, I see people being all lovey dovey with each other and it makes me want to be in a relationship again. I miss all that stuff. Actually, I see that stuff around a lot.

 

When you say being in a wonderful relationship, do you mean observing the actual relationship itself, or watching people share in affection and closeness?

 

I see it around a lot and it makes me wistful and wish I had a guy in my life. I see it on campus sometimes too, esp among the younger (undergrad) crowd.

[ImThatGirl]

It's not that these people are allowed to be in healthy relationships, and you're not. It's that they've chosen to be in healthy relationships.

 

I think I keep coming accross the people that have specifically chosen to be in an unhealthy relationship. Or to not commit.

 

I have a goal of being in a healthy relationship. Of standing strong and doing what it takes to make it a long healthy relationship. But how do you know if someone else has the same goal? They sometimes promise til they are blue in the face yet in the end, they let it all go.

[Batya33]

TRQ, I live in CA, although not in LA, but sometimes when I hang out at the mall, I see people being all lovey dovey with each other and it makes me want to be in a relationship again. I miss all that stuff. Actually, I see that stuff around a lot.

 

I am not sure that has much relevance to the health of the relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has witnessed that with respect to people we meet only to hear shortly after that they broke up/are getting divorced.

[Jayar]

When you say being in a wonderful relationship, do you mean observing the actual relationship itself, or watching people share in affection and closeness?

 

The actual relationship... Usually between friends or co-workers that I am around a lot. I know that often what is seen on the surface isn't what is inside, but my "wonderful relationship examples" are typically people I KNOW are in happy relationships because I've seen them in it every day.

[Jayar]

But how do you know if someone else has the same goal? They sometimes promise til they are blue in the face yet in the end' date=' they let it all go.[/quote']

 

In your specific circumstance, he is CLEARLY telling you (regardless what his verbal promises may be) that he isn't into you. In a case like that you have to watch his ACTIONS, not listen to his words.

[shes2smart]

I have a goal of being in a healthy relationship. Of standing strong and doing what it takes to make it a long healthy relationship. But how do you know if someone else has the same goal? They sometimes promise til they are blue in the face yet in the end' date=' they let it all go.[/quote']

 

I asked a lot of questions. Then I listened with my ears AND my eyes...if the actions and words didn't match up, I paid more attention to what the actions said, because it's too easy to say whatever the other person wants to hear.

 

I'd watch how they handled stress/a crisis. When you date someone for more than a month or two, something stressful is bound to come up. Watch how they handle themselves -- do they self-medicate (drink or drug to numb out), do they detach, do they handle things or avoid them and expect you or others to deal with it?

 

I'd observe what I could about their life in general -- basic stuff -- what was their employment history like, did they seem to have a minimum of drama in their lives (that would include family drama, ex-partner drama, financial drama, friend drama), did they seem to be fairly organized and have a handle on things, was their life already so stuffed-to-the-gills that there wasn't room for a relationship, did they seem to have their stuff together, and so forth. And some of this stuff you only find out over time...but you can find out quicker by asking questions and being observant.

 

I made sure I had a clear picture of where I wanted to end up relationship-wise before I jumped back into the dating pool. Then I'd ask a potential suitor where he would ideally want to end up...not necessarily with me...but, generally speaking, what kind of relationship he'd like to be in. Was he looking for something casual? Long-term? Something leading to eventual marriage? So, if you know you want a relationship leading to marriage and he says he's looking for something casual....you'd be better off crossing that guy off your list.

 

If a guy said he "didn't know" what he wanted, I'd run away faster because either he wasn't going to say until he figured out what I wanted so he could say what I wanted to hear OR he honestly didn't know what he wanted because he hadn't bothered to think about it...but he'd be happy to waste my time while he figured it out. Either option didn't sit well with me...so an "I don't know" was the kiss of death.

 

Much to my surprise, my blunt, lay-my-cards on the table approach did not go over well with a lot of men. One or two tried to talk me out of what I said I wanted. I guess they figured I'd make an exception for them or something. Whatever. {understatement warning!!!}The fact of the matter is I'm quite often a little-less-than-tactful.{/understatement warning} If they couldn't handle it from the get-go, I doubt they'd be able to handle it several months/years down the road, either.

[Jayar]

I will pray that you find your "someone".

 

Hehe, it can't hurt! I pray every moment of the day... To me, my perfect someone will be the guy I can get mad at, fight with, and still LOVE all the way through it (and him feeling the same) and my perfect relationship will be one that on the days it's less than perfect, BOTH of us still know there's nowhere else we'd rather be.

[Batya33]

See where these people are in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and compare with those who weren't as head over heels perhaps when they married or as "sure." My guess - the rate of unhappiness, divorce, lack of certainty will be the same for both groups. I have several examples of this. One friend who was totally sure, head over heels and now, 5 years later resents him for the very qualities she thought were so wonderful (i.e. his capacity to dream big but in reality he hasn't held down a real job in several years); another friend also totally sure, crazy about her husband, married 11 years, haven't been sexual in over five years and she's not sure why, another friend usually the life of the party with her husband, a fun loving guy, married 5 years, going through a divorce.

 

I think you're focusing too much on what a "catch" these people seem to be, the material things they get for each other and forgetting that being "sure" means different things for different people - a close relative was totally sure and head over heels because he was right on paper and could give her children - but she told everyone that she was 100% sure and they were great together (they are now divorced after 4 kids and almost 20 years together for the very issue they pushed aside when they were dating all those years ago). There are some who lie (I know this because they told me later on after it ended) and some who self-deceive.

 

Point is - being that "sure" in the beginning is not always necessary or a clear indicator of success for the future (read "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills). On the other hand, I have friends for whom getting married was a tough decision, they had doubts and now seem very happy.

[ImThatGirl]

Jay - thank you. You are right. I just fell after his actions and words indicated he was completely into me for the first couple months. Guess the key is to have time and then you can determine a little better.

 

Shes2smart. Thank you for such a well thought out post. I did ask alot of questions previously too. There were men that chose not to date me because I asked to many questions and had to many goals of a relationship and men that didn't sum up at all with their answers. I will continue to use this process - if I decide to date again in the future.

 

But can't we just use a lie detector test? And thinking of that - I'm thinking my guy probably had himself convinced in the beg and would have passed but certainly wouldn't pass with the same answers now.

[Scout]

I think I keep coming accross the people that have specifically chosen to be in an unhealthy relationship. Or to not commit

 

I encountered that myself for a long time. It may be a different reason for you, but what I pretty much definitively concluded was that I was attracted to certain people for all the wrong reasons.

 

How I figured this out - and I was just telling a friend this recently - is I drew up a list of all the qualities I *wanted* in a man.

 

Then, I scrutinized each item on the list, and asked myself why I wanted those qualities. Very often, the reasons were either superficial ones, or based on things I felt I lacked in myself and thought would make up for that.

 

Armed with this new understanding, I was able to toss out a lot of items (and replace with other ones), and what I was eventually left with was the really important stuff. In other words, the qualities I needed in a relationship, not necessarily wanted.

 

Very often the two completely conflict with each other.

 

Anyway, my new and improved list made me approach dating from a very different mindset than I had before, and people that were previously appealing to me no longer were. In other words, I stopped falling for the kind of guys I had fallen for in the past, and became attracted to more healthy, loving ones.

[rmpavlock]

Yeah....I felt that way before when one of my oldest friends got married. My boyfriend(now ex) and I were having so many problems. We had just gotten back together after not talking for several days, and it killed me to see her so happy when I felt so UNhappy. I just thought "That's what I want" and then in the back of my mind thought "I'll never have that with my boyfriend". Now that I'm out of that relationship it's annoying to think I haven't found the right one, but I would MUCH rather be single than be with the wrong person if those are the options.

[whoops]

I cant say how much these posts have helped me at this stage in my life.

 

I am in my early 30's and it was only recently i worked out why i was worried about marriage and that it is as smart says sometimes a tough decision for some and a know it all for others.

 

I know now what i need and if i learnt anything and tried to keep remembering it the fact is you cant change someone if they have bad habits they will always have it - if they are selfish about their work they always will be it is up to me as i loved the drive my ex had to love him for that and not criticise him for it - (it we ever meet again).

 

I dont want bitterness over his change of mind etc - i am definitely going to draw up a list of reality things i want if i get into another relationship. I have also resigned myself to being single - i worry about my looks and blah blah.

 

I think i am trying to decieve myself that i could be happy with my ex and so i have to acknowledge it is over -

 

So thank you for all the posts here - they have been so wise and helpful to me - now i have to grieve!

 

Maybe it's a fear of the unknown. If someone showed me two doors, and through the first door was a life with my ex (neither better nor worse than it had been for the past 2.5 years) and through the second was the guarantee of a future with a WONDERFUL man whom I loved and knew with certainty he loved me... I'd pick the second door. But the KEY there is the guarantee of that perfect love. If there was the risk of being alone or never finding better, I'd just pick the door that would lead me to life with my ex.

 

see me too how screwy are we!