I ended it

[Beyondthesea]

For those who have left abusive relationships, how did you keep from not going back to the abuser, esp when they pull out all the stops to convince you to come back?????

 

I refused all contact with him. Absolutely none. I wouldn't respond to his emails, changed my phone numbers, email addresses, everything. Any time they manage to get a hold of you is a time they manage to manipulate you in some way. Avoid that at all costs and you will be fine.

 

And most importantly: don't bother trying to make him understand your feelings. All he knows is what he is feeling and how you are causing him some sort of grief. He's not in it to be a friend to you, he's in this to take what he can get.

[renaissancewoman101]

BeyondtheSea, when you did it, was it hard for you to keep to the path, or did you falter at times? Right now I feel good about what I did and I feel confident. I also know that T hasnt read the email yet and when he does tonight, he is going to be pissed at me and he probably will call me half a dozen times.

[Beyondthesea]

Hon you'll feel unsure for a while, sort of 'wishy washy' about the whole thing, but you know in your heart you've done the right thing.

 

Turn the ringer off on your phone, and delete his messages. The hardest thing for me was not phoning my ex back and giving him a piece of my mind. After all, all his messages were "how could you do this to me after all I do for you" (um, what?) so I was so angry I wanted to phone and set him straight. I tried that a few times, then realized it was only a way to get me to talk to him and continue to keep me hanging or thinking it was me who had the problem, just like he did to you the other night.

 

You'll feel confused for a while, but remember to stay strong. You know exactly what is right for you.

 

I wanted to add too, that I completely loathed my ex by the time I broke it off, and although I felt completely justified I did falter at times as well. I would question myself and my actions...this is something a normal person does.

[keenan]

Whoohoo, congratulations! Stay strong.

[Relationship Coach]

RW,

I'm proud of for sticking to your guns on this and I know that it was hard for you. Being that we have met I can say that you are a wonderful person to be around and making new friends will be easier now. You've just gotten a load off of your back that was draining the life from you. Have no regrets and it is OK to use words like hate as you release your emotions and cleanse yourself of him. Remain strong and firm, NC is a must. You have a huge support group here who cares a great deal about you.

 

RC

[hosswhispra]

RW, do not ever doubt that you have amazing strength.

[Süsser Tod]

Any updates on how everything went?

[renaissancewoman101]

I am holding strong, sort of. T called me a few times last night and a few times today. It is not easy for me to deal with this because I cared about him deeply at one time and part of me still cares about him, even though I dont want to be a part of his life or see him again. I know he is toxic to me. I haven't listened to the messages.

 

I had a good July 4th, spent the day with a good friend. Saw fireworks down by the harbor (that made me sad because I used to see fireworks with T every year when I lived in Milwaukee since I used to live right off Lake Michigan).

 

Keeping away from T is not going to be easy. I was tempted a few times today to call him or check his messages but having friends who care really helped. I am also grateful to all of you on this messageboard and in the coming few weeks, I will be leaning on you guys to help me through this situation

 

Thank you all for being there for me.

[keenan]

Yay for you. We're here...go ahead and lean. Happy 4th, Ren.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm glad you haven't contacted him B, you really don't need that sort of negativity in your life.

 

Although you miss the routine and constant feeling of having 'someone there', isn't it nice to hang out with a friend and not worry about being ridiculed or told what to do? That's what you need to remind yourself to do...remember why you did this in the first place.

 

You're doing great babe, PM anytime.

[Siriana]

Hi, I am glad you've done that. I've red in one of your posts that story, you wrote about your friendship but as an answer to another poster and my first idea was to PM you telling you: honey you need to end that, it is wrong for you, even unhealthy. But than I realised that you haven't asked us about it and that it's non of my business.

 

So congratulations you've done the best possible thing ever and i am happy for you. So happy that i will put all those happy smilies here:

 

Enjoy it, because now you will be free to find the happieness you deserve. looks like I got drunk a little bit , I suggest you to do that too for this special occasion!

[Siriana]

About how to ignore him? Easy, because you're seeing him objectivly and that is enough for you.

I used to have a friend of mine for 5 years and he was treating me the same as he were treating you. It's been horrible. One day something minor happened and it was like the final drop for me. I told him something that I knew he will never forget , and he was sooo angry but he never called me again, ever, and it has been 4 years since. basically I told him to drop dead - and even today I don't regret it. It was the only way. My hart was dead long time ago for our friendhip and I knew that I can't offer anything and that I'am the one who's been giving and he was the taker so there was no chance I would be able to collect the "fees".

So you are in the same situation as I was and you know that it's over. And I know you will have strength to ignore him. Don't think of that as friendship. Think of him as vampyer who sucked your blood and your life out of you.

[nottoogreen]

You see RW, part of what you feel when missing him and caring him is actual an adaption (could be seen as addiction) to his abuse. Our brain is highly adaptible, it always want's to make us "more effective" at whatever we do or feel.

 

Once you get around to accepting being away from him, your brain will adapt again and make you "more effective" at that.

 

Just tell yourself and act on it by doing new things, soon you will also emotionaly head into the right direction.

 

It takes time, there will bad days and some ugly days but also more and more good days.