can a guy change?

[cinderelly65]

hello, my bf wants to get back together with me but i don't totally trust him yet and their are alot of things that i can't get out of my mind. he talks about sex that he has had with other girls in past relationships and going out to strip clubs with his friends and things like that. mostly i remember him being ticked off alot. he says and admits that he has done wrong and says he misses me alot, but how do i know for sure if he has changed?

[thegirl_00]

I wana know the same thing

[WantToBeLuved]

Anyone can change. But, did he say he changed for you or for himself? If he's saying he changed for you, he probably didn't. If he says he changed for himself and on his own, then maybe it's worth a shot. But be cautious.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think guys can change only if THEY make the effort to change for themselves. If they change for someone else, the change will NOT be permanent. I think everybody can change for the better or the worse, but only when THEY want to.

[coollady1957]

IF this is the same guy you posted threads about several times before, the one that likes to "scare you", etc. I would be very concerned about this guy being able to change.

 

In my opinion I think he is telling you what he knows you want to hear. I really do not have much faith that guys like him can or will change. He might change just long enough to reel you in again. My advice would be, NOT to fall for it and move on with your life.

[Considerate Empath]

Depends on how long you've been apart. My guess would have to be that its been less than a year, and if that's true then it is possible but not probable that he has changed.

 

Be cautious, whatever choice you make.

 

 

//C.E.

[RayKay]

I second what coollady says! This guy is SCARY, and this may be just another attempt at exerting control.

 

Why would you want to be with someone whom talked about their past sexual exploits, drove to point it had you scared for your life and was always ticked off anyway?

 

Change does not happen overnight, or in a week, or even months. It takes time, effort, and a genuine willingness to change.

 

Maybe he has changed, great for him, does not mean YOU have to get back with him. My suspicion though is he is telling you so to win you back over....and as soon as you are in he'll be back to himself.

[pablovblack]

Yes men can change, but like previously mentioned they need to do it for themselves... I changed...

[nottoogreen]

He can change but he won't so soon.

 

Concur with earlier posters, forget the guy, he is not ready for a serious relationship.

[hazeleyed]

I would say it all depends on the guy because change is something that the individual is capable of doing.

 

I have followed your stories and it sounds like this guy is weird. I wouldnt want to get back with a guy who has scared me, tried to make me jealous, who talks about his ex. You have had the chance to get out and even if it is really hard right now you need to just simply walk away.

 

Sometimes the hardest things to do in our life are the most rewarding later in life. Although you might not feel this way but it will happen gradually once you let yourself see the bigger picture instead of just him saying hes "changed".

[justme5]

In my experience, people don't change that much. If they have addictions or treat you poorly, they generally stay the same. Little things change. People mature to a certain degree. But I rarely see someone change their personality significantly.

 

That being said, when a guy has been burned (i.e. a girl dumped him and moved on with someone else shortly or cheated on him and dumped him) he has more of a chance of changing. Whatever he did that he felt was the reason she dumped him will change for the next woman if he was really hurt and learned from it. It usually doesn't change for the woman that dumped him though.

 

Otherwise, sadly I see a lot of immature guys that don't learn. They'll just keep finding a new girl to put up with bad behavior.

[sadk]

I changed. Did I do it for her or for myself? I don't know. I started re-living all the times I'd hurt her and hating myself. I went through every argument that I could recall and did it all again, just differently, as if I cared about her feelings. Not with her there, admittedly. I just tried to imagine how she would react. I didn't have any motivation other than I wanted to create a new memory, one where she didn't cry till dawn.

 

She probably thinks I'm just holding myself in check because she asked me to leave. But it's been months now since I had any kind of outburst, and it's not just with her. It's with everyone.

 

Sean

[iceman85]

It depends what changes you are talking about. If your talking about changes in regards to things like not exploding in an argument or learning to do little things then yes that can change. If its something major like being abusive or being distant and not caring enough then no i dont think so.

 

Being a guy fresh off a breakup I believe that I have learned a whole lot. I have changed some things and others I am working on. But I am doing it for ME, not for her because you should never have to change for anyone.

 

I have changed some in just a month and im sure that I will continue to learn and try to make important changes for the better. Theres no timetable on change because certain people can learn and adapt quicker than others. If you really want to know if someones changed I think that you have to spend time with them, thats the only way to know for sure.

[sadk]

because you should never have to change for anyone.

 

 

I've never quite got this concept. What about Hitler? Should he not have changed? Or the violent drunk whose wife left him because she hated being beat up, should he not change? How about the guy who used to spend every night in the bar, but just had a kid? Should he change for them?

 

I met the woman who made me the happiest and I apparently was insensitive, but didn't believe this when people told me ... until she told me after she asked me to leave.

 

It made me want to be a better man.

 

I personally don't care why people decide to become better. I'm just glad.

 

Sean

[mikeca]

I'd like to think that if you love someone you dont 'change' for them however you do the little things they you know they would like, because they love you for it and you can feel that.

[Belle]

I personally don't care why people decide to become better. I'm just glad.

 

Sean

 

Hear hear.

[Titan4Life]

It is possible, I changed, and I did it for myself, and I admit I wasnt the best fiancee, I never cheated at all, but I was grumpy, wasnt happy with life, looked at the bad side of everything, and was lazy. Very hard for me to come out and say it, but its true, it took me months working on it, I changed jobs, started being more active with my ex fiancee, going for walks, playing sports, and just being happy, and gracious of what i have, and about life. I find the little things in life add up at the end of the day, such as, now for example, I will clean her house, set candles up so when she comes home, everything is nice looking, Make supper and go for a walk after, or go play some basketball.

 

People can change, not for anyone, but for themself, it has to come within and you need to make it for all the right reasons. I am living proof.