melrich Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I think the first three are all valid reasons but to me, growing apart is a cause....infidelity and sexual incompatability are effects. Link to comment
Holiday Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I knew of a 43 yo mother of three whose husband declared he had slept with someone after their youngest boy turned five. Not so bad, right? Infidelity isn't the end, necessarily. But when he told her he was gay, they realized it had to end. I think this might be the best example of sexual incompatibility, where someone has suppressed urges which finally surface after years of denial. Growing apart, to me, is like infidelity. It's a diversion of interests and energy away from the relationship and it isn't a killer, but can be if both parties aren't interested in pulling it back together. I think abuse, low-grade ridicule (a subtle type of abuse), lying, and laziness are also valid reasons to leave a loser. Link to comment
DN Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I think the first three are all valid reasons but to me, growing apart is a cause....infidelity and sexual incompatability are effects. Very insightful - especially regarding infidelity. Cheating is wrong, no question. But to always assume that the partner who cheated is entirely to blame for the breakdown of the marriage can be simplistic. That is why some marriages survive infidelity because both partners accept some responsibility and decide together to fix what went wrong. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Cheating is wrong, no question. But to always assume that the partner who cheated is entirely to blame for the breakdown of the marriage can be simplistic. I wouldn't bother with the reasons to infidelity, cheating, neglect or abuse would be enough to leave a relation. Link to comment
melrich Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 But to always assume that the partner who cheated is entirely to blame for the breakdown of the marriage can be simplistic. I agree. In terms of working through cheating as an issue, what is more important than the act itself is the cause of the act. Link to comment
Dako Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 melrich, I fully agree. I've seen some weird marriages, and the cheater isn't always the villain. Sometimes, they're refugees. Link to comment
brando Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 About six or seven years ago i met a man who was telling me his wife had an affair wiht another man early in their marriage...he told me he forgave her, and they are over the 25 year mark togehter. My first reation and question to him was how were you able to forgive her and forget it. His answer was he loved her...and i guess it was as simple as that for them to continue on together. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 About six or seven years ago i met a man who was telling me his wife had an affair wiht another man early in their marriage...he told me he forgave her, and they are over the 25 year mark togehter. My first reation and question to him was how were you able to forgive her and forget it. His answer was he loved her...and i guess it was as simple as that for them to continue on together. Then I guess some people can handle it better than others. If I was the man's friend, this would be my reaction to it: In my mind, off course without telling him I would be like didn't he get disgusted by her ofterwards, what about the risks of catching diseases. Cuz I mean, affairs alone is what's suppost to disgust all men, what guy would look at his girl the same or even get intimate with her after she was share he rbody with someone else. Hearing guys's stories about them taking back their girls for this, well guess they must be the nicest guys. Link to comment
brando Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 i dont think it has to do with being nice. It has to do with loving somebody.. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Love should have brought them home and not to someone elses home. Again my unmarried 2 cents. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 i dont think it has to do with being nice. It has to do with loving somebody.. Yes, I get your point, but when you love someone, you respect them also. In your mind you're thinking about them at all times. If a guy were to care so much about his SO, then even if he was to be in another country for a while and stuck on an island full of naked girls, still he would NOT get tempt, his girl would come first in mind. Link to comment
brando Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 An affair is not a personal attack. It has nothig to do with the other spouse (being cheated on). I dont think it is a right thing to do, but it isnt the worse crime to commit against someone. I dont remember the choices, but i would say Abuse, both verbal and physical are far worse than adultry. Link to comment
brando Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Yes, I get your point, but when you love someone, you respect them also. In your mind you're thinking about them at all times. If a guy were to care so much about his SO, then even if he was to be in another country for a while and stuck on an island full of naked girls, still he would NOT get tempt, his girl would come first in mind. Oh so are you saying it is only guys who cheat???? Not women.??? Link to comment
Scout Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 An affair is not a personal attack. It has nothig to do with the other spouse (being cheated on). Not so sure I agree it has nothing to do with the other spouse. Yes, ultimately it's the cheater's choice, and they have no right to blame it on their spouse, but in some cases, I can see where the state of a marriage would sorely tempt someone to cheat. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Oh so are you saying it is only guys who cheat???? Not women.??? I don't think she is saying that Brando. She is only saying it from a womens perspective. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Well abuse is as bad as affairs to me. They have one thing in similarity, it's "the lack of respect". You cna't truly love someone if you that perosn is being replaced nor if you are belitting, thrashing or beating that person. They also have another thing in similarity, that when that person cheats on you as well as when he/she abuses you (verbal, emotionally or physically), you cannot possibly ever seem them the same way, your perspective towards them changes. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Oh so are you saying it is only guys who cheat???? Not women.??? Nope, I didn't say only guys cheat, I'm simple stating what it would mean to be commited and respect that person no matter how tempted you are. Link to comment
brando Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Respect yes, very important. I agree with you, and i agree with Electra about their love bringing them home and not anothers home. It just doesnt seem it needs to be an end all for a relationship... one time. Link to comment
ElektraHere Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Obviously the people who have taken the poll, even though it isnt scientific are somewhat in agreeance. That infidelity is a deal breaker. If you are that trusting of a person and can forget what happened and how disrespected you and your vows meant to the other person then stay all you want. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 It just doesnt seem it needs to be an end all for a relationship... Yea, that's true, it doesn't end some relation. My guess is cuz they wouldn't stand the idea of being alone. Link to comment
xprincessbugx Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I think infidelity is a deal breaker and that's what I voted for. Link to comment
DN Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 There is no way to tell statistically of course, but it would be interesting to know how many people who say infidelity is the most important are actually married or in long-term relationship and have been cheated on. That is not to say the opinion of those who have not been in that situation isn't valid but circumstances alter cases. It is the difference between what you think you would do and what you actually do when faced with the reality. Link to comment
friscodj Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 On the infidelity thing, I think cheating on someone is a cop out. It's a cop out of working at the relationship you're in and finding more fulfillment and satisfaction from it vs. going off and getting an illusion of it for free somewhere else... It's weakness, that's what I see... Link to comment
Lily04 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I think all reasons could be worked on except for perhaps abuse... the option there is to remain in the relationship but be unhappy though, which isn't the greatest option. The most valid reason is simply: you're unhappy and unsatisfied with your marriage. It doesn't matter what the particular reasons may be, they're all valid -- there's no "most" valid reason. If your 'growing in different directions' is causing stress on yourself, your children, family, etc. and you feel a lack of LOVE which is the central ingredient in marriage than that is enough. Infedelity is an expression of distrust, of lack of love. In a way infedelity is also a drifting in different directions because you found another person, you essentially drifted apart -- it is a more intense expression of that, yes, but does this necessarily make it more "valid"? Depends on how you define validity. On that note..i'm going to bed. ~Lily p.s. i voted for 'drifting in diff. directions' without really thinking about it. I assumed most valid is also associated with most common reason for some reason as well, so that influenced my choice. Infedelity is more rare... but if I were to vote again after reading the responses & thinking about it, I would vote infedelity because it is more extreme than 'drifting apart' and would usually necessitate a divorce. I'm not married. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 If both partners experience the feeling of unyeilding contempt for each other Link to comment
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