Members Sound Off! What's the most valid reason for divorce?

[ElektraHere]

I guess I am the odd man out. I come from an odd family (my parents are still married.) I could be looking at it with rose colored glasses on but what about this....

Your in a Long term relationship for 10 years and it ends. Does that mean you would never have another relationship again? It wasnt marriage but it was a relationship.

I guess I am trying to put my arms around your POV's.

[Dako]

Marriage is a different matter. It's a formal declaration of lifetime committment and to do that honestly, you have to believe it's possible.

If you don't, you shouldn't make that promise.

[RayKay]

Maybe a lot depends what "side" you are on, as to how "jaded" you become.

 

When my parents divorced (due to his multiple affairs) my father remarried soon after (his mistress). They have been married over 20 years now, had another child and are doing alright I think!

 

My mother met a man (whom was also divorced) not too long after, and they moved in about a year later, but chose NOT to get married due to their previous experience. They have also been together over 20 years, and are happy as peas in a pod together. He was our father for most of our lives. Their non-marriage is stronger than many marriages I see around me. Of course the laws here are also protective of their relationship, and they are very good about making sure they are legally taken care of in case one of them passes away. I don't think they are so much opposed to marriage, as they don't see it necessary for them to be together and to be a family.

 

I have been jaded/disheartened after long term relationships too, but felt I definitely wanted to love, and be loved again. Even with the risks. But maybe the trauma of having said "forever" in front of others, and then having forever last more like "a while" jades a lot of people?

 

I can see that if I made that lifetime commitment with my partner and he later decided forever was too long, I would feel extremely jaded about marriage afterwards. Because when I made that commitment, and he made it to me, it was with that expectation of working together on that relationship, and being there for one another, tough times included. If he broke those vows, or gave up...I would be jaded.

[flower99]

I voted for infidelity. However I think ABUSE is another reason.

 

Either one of those 2 things would send me packing.

 

 

 

BellaDonna

 

Yep i agree completely!!!!

[friscodj]

I would also like to chime in here and say that just because two people are "still married", doesn't mean the marriage is a "success" or that they are happy.

 

My parents are still married but my father is abusive. My mother just accepts it and pretends nothing happens. She cries sometimes because of this. Been married for 40 years.

 

So when I hear people say they were in a "failed" marriage because it ended in divorce, I might have to disagree depending on the circumstances. Some people are better off divorcing. Divorcing is not always some big, bad, evil Voodoo daddy...sometimes it really is the best course of action and leads to a better situation and life...eventually...

[friscodj]

And after reading this post, I now think I'd rather turn my nuts inside out than get married...

[Dako]

Friscy,

 

I'm with you man...pass the pliers.

[AwdreeHpburn]

man who ever programs for this website is smart.....

 

no allowance for voting more than once....smart...

 

of the categories listed, I voted for the growing apart thing. I think I could move past infidelity once or twice, sexual incompatability, while that would be annoying, I'm sure I could live with it.

 

And I certainly don't believe that one can't change the level of theiir commitment. Seems sort of a silly expectation to me actually.

 

I commited to use Verizon for a year but have changed my mind. I once signed a year least to live somewhere but was allowed out it because of circumstance changes. Commintments should be honored, but can't always be forever....

[ElektraHere]

And after reading this post, I now think I'd rather turn my nuts inside out than get married...

 

GOOD GRIEF!! You know how can you knock something before you try it? I look forward to getting married. I dont think of marriage as this dark ominious cloud of impending divorce. Jeeezz when did hope and optimism fly out the window???

 

I am not truly religious but I do agree with some churchs who won't marry couples until they go through the pre marriage counseling. To make sure they are on the same page on issues and future wants and needs. Yes I know these change but to get a general idea is good. There have been marriages where the people have assumed things of their partner. Thats when the marriage starts to crumble.

 

I am still going to be the Pollyanna of this thread!!! I am PRO MARRIAGE!!!

[Scout]

I'm definitely pro-marriage, but I also can understand why some people don't think it's necessary. For example, Ray Kay's mom & step-dad, Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn, and other long-time unmarried (officially, that is) couples.

 

For me, I'd like to make it official. I chalk it up to the human tendency to create/respond to symbolic gestures.

[ElektraHere]

I'm definitely pro-marriage, but I also can understand why some people don't think it's necessary. For example, Ray Kay's mom & step-dad, Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn, and other long-time unmarried (officially, that is) couples.

 

For me, I'd like to make it official. I chalk it up to the human tendency to create/respond to symbolic gestures.

 

I CONCUR!!!

[Dako]

I'm pro-marriage too. It's a great thing to experience.

[ElektraHere]

I know Dako! I am not trying to argue seriosly. But being a single gal and then to hear young men who are so jaded by something they never have experienced makes me want to pull my hair out.

I know some people are not meant for the long haul, but sheesh there are great women/men out there who you never know you could just click right into place?

 

I do think the Goldie Hawns, Kurt Russells, and such have it good so why rock the boat. I like Scout want the ceremony and the symbolic thing.

[Scout]

being a single gal and then to hear young men who are so jaded by something they never have experienced makes me want to pull my hair out.

 

I agree. Actually, it's always sad to see any young person already jaded.

[Daddy Bear]

And after reading this post, I now think I'd rather turn my nuts inside out than get married... same thing.

[RayKay]

I'm definitely pro-marriage, but I also can understand why some people don't think it's necessary. For example, Ray Kay's mom & step-dad, Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn, and other long-time unmarried (officially, that is) couples.

 

For me, I'd like to make it official. I chalk it up to the human tendency to create/respond to symbolic gestures.

 

I agree with this too!

 

I am definitely for marriage Elektra, I definitely want it in my future. I just am not for it for couples that are clearly not ready for it!

 

That jaded before you try it thing bothers me sometimes too, more so in past with partners whom were "against" getting married.

 

In my experience, a lot of people's perceptions do depend on how they grow up. Though not always for same reasons. I had a couple ex's whom were very jaded about marriage - both had parents that were married - one quite happily, one less so. One just did not see the happiness their parents had as something they wanted. They thought it was routine, boring, whatever. The other sometimes wished their parents had ended it as they weren't really happy together. Both believed marriage was NOT something for them.

 

But not everyone reacts that way even to having "unhappily married parents".

 

My current boyfriends parents have been together about 30 years or so now. Shotgun wedding. I know my boyfriend has said a few times he has felt sorry for his mum for example. He loves both his parents, but there is definitely more of an "obligation to stay together" than a "joy in being together" there. Has it jaded him? No, I think he is just more determined that he will get married for the right reasons, to the right person, and make a conscious effort to not make similar mistakes.

 

For me, sure, my parents divorce could of jaded me. I remember it well. But, seeing my mother move on with my stepfather and seeing what they have renewed my faith in commitment. They may not be officially married, but they sure are in their hearts.

 

Perceptions and how you deal with them matter a whole lot.

[friscodj]

I know Dako! I am not trying to argue seriosly. But being a single gal and then to hear young men who are so jaded by something they never have experienced makes me want to pull my hair out.

 

Oh come now, I was just kidding about the "turn my nuts inside out comment". What I meant to say was put them in a vise, not turn them inside out...

 

But seriously, it is going to take a very special woman and relationship with her for me to take the plunge. And it's sort of a deal where I feel I will "cross that bridge if/when I come to it" vs. dreaming about it and seeking it out.

 

I think a lot of people (not you necessarily) get sucked into the notion that marriage is a "prize", a "status", and if one is not married, they are missing out on life in some fashion or in some way undesireable, unable to commit, or otherwise have something wrong with them. Society, it seems, places a lot of pressure on people (especially women I think for some reason) to get married. I know chicks who have had their wedding planned and names for kids picked out by age 10, that sort of thing.

 

There are a lot of dreams people have about marriage but few people I've met think beyong the wedding bells. I hear people say "I want to be married" or I want to be married before I'm 30" (for example), or I want "a husband/wife" yet I don't hear people say "I want to experience the challenge, sacrifices, and rewards of spending my life connected with another human being".

 

And all this leads to rushing into marriage or marrying for the wrong reason(s) I believe.

[Scout]

You're right, Frisco, and let me tell you: the thriving bridal industry is delighted to perpetuate the idea to women that marriage is a "prize" - particularly a ridiculously expensive wedding.

[RayKay]

You are definitely right frisco, hence my statement about me being opposed to it in couples whom CLEARLY are not prepared for it!

 

I was honestly never one of those girls whom planned weddings out, though I know many whom did/are. All they need is the guy whom will fit in the tux.

 

My boyfriend and I actually sit there and laugh ourselves into comas when we hear of people spending $50,000 on a wedding. We are all for elopement and cheap weddings! For us, and me, it really is not about the wedding. It's the marriage, the commitment you are making to one another. Saying "I want to be with you, and I am going to pledge myself to us".

 

That being said, I really think when you meet the right person, those silly thoughts of marriage flood into your head and your concepts against marriage get turned upside down.

[Scout]

That being said, I really think when you meet the right person, those silly thoughts of marriage flood into your head and your concepts against marriage get turned upside down.

 

[ElektraHere]

I know chicks who have had their wedding planned and names for kids picked out by age 10, that sort of thing.

 

I am one of those crazy chicks. Not that I have it planned out detail for detail but I know its not going to be lavish and expensive. The dress style has changed no more poofy princess dress I thought of in my teens. UGH! I dont know when, where, or to whom butI do have an idea that I want my friends and family to come together and have the best evening. It will make me happy to have that. The happiness of having those who I am close to there. Not being a Bridezilla and not enjoying the moment.

 

As for the kids names maybe its where you grow up or its just the gals I have talked to. You have certain names you like but only fate knows if you will ever use that name or if you will like it when you do have a baby. I guess thats the difference between men and women or it could be the programed idea that is given to girls??? Who knows

[friscodj]

I am one of those crazy chicks.

 

Well, at least we're all honest with each other here...

 

I guess as long as you realize the wedding is just one day and the rest of your life is...well...the rest of your life...and you want the wedding for you and not someone else...you're not so crazy...maybe you are though...I don't know you...

[friscodj]

And for what it's worth...I happen to be the last male with my family name...so that trumps any pressure society puts on women to get married and reproduce...but I still don't care...

[RayKay]

And for what it's worth...I happen to be the last male with my family name...so that trumps any pressure society puts on women to get married and reproduce...but I still don't care...

 

My brother is the last one too, and gay. Good thing it's (gay marriage) legal here now so he can carry on the name (hmm, wonder what would be "tradition" there, whom takes whose last name?).

 

Speaking of last names, I really don't associate my last name with my dad...at all. I have no emotional ties to it in terms of family history. But it's MY name, and how I have known myself for my entire life. It would be weird to go by another last name...especially one that did not "match" me so well!

 

I have my mothers maiden name as second middle name, so if I took another last name and kept my current one(s), that would be three last names...which is a little much! Not sure what I would do. Taking last name is symbolic, but, also a sign of times past where you were "property". And it's MY name. It's a big identity thing to change your name 27 years or something into your life!

[ElektraHere]

I dont think about a wedding everyday. I just know what I would want and no I know marriage isnt the fairytale. I am a smart woman that has no preconceived notions.