Members Sound Off! What's the most valid reason for divorce?

[perfectliljewel]

the only valid reason for a divorce is if the guy hurt you or your child or i guess the girl but mostly guys beat the women but anyway if you know the guy your are going to marry that wont happen

[friscodj]

OK, let me ask this question: Does anyone take traditional wedding vows seriously anymore? I mean really believe in and follow them?

 

It sure seems to me a lot of people bail when the rich turns to poor, health to sickness, the good times to bad, etc... Do people forget their promises? Is marriage not sacred anymore? Or was it ever?

 

Just throwing that out there for discussion...

 

And for what it's worth, I think the only two reasons people should divorce are abuse and infidelity. Everything else can be worked on, should be worked on, and if it can't, find another way to deal with it because you committed your lives to each other so figure it out!

 

Me? Never married. And the more I think about the notion of marriage and see what goes on in the world, to my friends, family, you guys on here...I wander farther and farther away from that notion...

[Daddy Bear]

And for what it's worth, I think the only two reasons people should divorce are abuse and infidelity. Everything else can be worked on, should be worked on, and if it can't, find another way to deal with it because you committed your lives to each other so figure it out!

 

Me? Never married.

 

a thousand times no.

 

frisco, i hope you never marry someone who morphs into an insufferable mound of selfish and overbearing contempt for humanity without the merest trace of a conscience because, if you do, your eyes may be opened rudely and you might find yourself singing a different tune.

 

i could tell you all a story; a story of an overly patient man who suffered humility after incredible humility at the hands of such a person as his youth fell away from him, a man who after many long and lonely years found long-awaited solace in a sensitive and caring female co-worker but watched it slip through his fingers and die, and why? because he was raised to believe in 'working it out' by two people who had no idea how unfair it was to expect someone to endure a hell like the one that he would encounter.

 

promises be damned... if you find yourself in an intolerable, dysfunctional relationship whose repair is beyond your control, you need to get out, forgive yourself for being unable to predict the future and move on with your life.

[TheRedQueen]

promises be damned... if you find yourself in an intolerable, dysfunctional relationship whose repair is beyond your control, you need to get out, forgive yourself for being unable to predict the future and move on with your life.

 

Preach on Brother Bent, tell it like it is!!!!

[melrich]

And for what it's worth, I think the only two reasons people should divorce are abuse and infidelity. Everything else can be worked on, should be worked on, and if it can't, find another way to deal with it because you committed your lives to each other so figure it out!

 

Me? Never married.

 

SB, I have to agree. If only things were so simple.

 

I am not usually one to say that something has to be experienced before you can authoratively make comment but I find the perspectives of the never married vs the married or once married to be particularly divergent.

 

Again, if only things/people were so simple.

[friscodj]

Thanks for the straight story dude! Wow! :shocked!:

 

My response, like the poll, is strictly theoretical. I wrote what I think it should be like. I know reality and theory are two different things...

 

But thanks, you have given affirmation to my trajectory here away from marriage...you have a way with words...

[Daddy Bear]

yeah frisco, it really should be as you describe it. in many happy cases, it is.

 

i still believe in marriage. i like to think that by this time i've learned what warning signs to watch out for, and that one day i will have someone with whom i can exchange vows that last a lifetime.

[friscodj]

yeah frisco, it really should be as you describe it. in many happy cases, it is.

 

i still believe in marriage. i like to think that by this time i've learned what warning signs to watch out for, and that one day i will have someone with whom i can exchange vows that last a lifetime.

 

I am pretty sure I am going to have nightmares now. The words "insufferable mound" for some reason remind me of Jabba the Hut and because we are talking about marriage, all women that in any way, shape, or form resemble him.

 

Yep, nightmares, thanks dude...

[Tylin]

It sure seems to me a lot of people bail when the rich turns to poor, health to sickness, the good times to bad, etc... Do people forget their promises? Is marriage not sacred anymore? Or was it ever?

 

Would this include mental sickness? If your partner irreversibly changed mentally, would it be grounds for divorce? Just for discussion's sake.

[Daddy Bear]

I am pretty sure I am going to have nightmares now. The words "insufferable mound" for some reason remind me of Jabba the Hut and because we are talking about marriage, all women that in any way, shape, or form resemble him.

 

Yep, nightmares, thanks dude... and i only gave you the tip of the iceberg.

[friscodj]

Would this include mental sickness? If your partner irreversibly changed mentally, would it be grounds for divorce? Just for discussion's sake.

 

Anything is grounds for divorce I guess. Look at "irreconcilable differences". This could be one of those...

 

In theory, a promise is a promise and you should stick it out. But we live in reality here. I guess you could also look at the fact that you would probably go crazy too, and then you'd be on the same page...

 

And then there is always the brain surgery option to fix that insanity...

 

I wonder if anyone is researching that? Performing brain surgery on someone to get them to think more like their partner...and do it while they sleep...so they don't know and stuff...8-[

[friscodj]

i only gave you the tip of the iceberg

 

For the love of god man, I'm surprised you made it out alive...

[SwtMary]

I voted for infidelity; however that suprisingly is not why my marriage ended. I was married 4 years and was abused emotionally and spiritually.

 

I hate to say never because I have learned that you really don't know what you will do unless you are put in that situation. However, I picked infidelity because it would be very hard for me to forgive my "husband" if he found another woman to share such intimacy with.

[ElektraHere]

I have a question for the people who were married and have experienced divorce......

 

Why is it you say your happy/healthy, doing things for you, and have moved on from that time? Although in the next breath you are finished with marriage or the word marriage sends you running the other way????

I have known a few divorced people and they all seem to have that POV.

[Dako]

This will sound bitter.

Because you lose all faith in an institution based upon a faulty premise.

Love dies, so how can you be so pretentious to promise another person to love them until you die? Once you know love dies, even your perfect one with all the bells and whistles, this faith goes with it.

I won't remarry because my faith in marriage is gone.

 

Many married folks console themselves by thinking they have the secret to a forever marriage. I did too.

[ElektraHere]

This will sound bitter.

Because you lose all faith in an institution based upon a faulty premise.

Love dies, so how can you be so pretentious to promise another person to love them until you die? Once you know love dies, even your perfect one with all the bells and whistles, this faith goes with it.

I won't remarry because my faith in marriage is gone.

 

Many married folks console themselves by thinking they have the secret to a forever marriage. I did too.

 

Dako,

 

I understand part of what you say but unfortunately there are others that can be pretty special. If I am reading your post right you are saying that since that marriage didnt work, you will punish yourself forever? I can understand a person taking a few years to recoop but to take the rest of their life and to be jaded on marriage is a sad fact. Perhaps that is my only slice of optimism speaking??

[SwtMary]

For me, I have moved on but I have also learned. I still want to get married again. There was a time that I said NO WAY! Now I have moved past that hurt and realize that I do want to find someone to grow old with and be with for the rest of my life.

 

I have definitely learned from my past mistakes and I will obviously do things differently this time...

[shes2smart]

Elektra, I wanna tell ya about a friend of mine..."A"

 

She was married to a guy back in the early 90's. (Oddly enough, I actually dated this guy before she ever met him, he dumped me...he met her a few months later, then a couple years later she wound up working where I worked and that's how I met her...but that's another story...)

 

Anyway, after a couple years of marriage, she caught him cheating with antoher girl we worked with and that was a deal-breaker for her. She kicked him out and he went directly to the other woman's home and eventually married her. He left my friend "A" with a pile of debt, ruined credit, and a lot of trust issues.

 

Their divorce was 10 years ago. She hasn't had much "luck" with relationships since. That's what she'll say if you ask her. Me, I don't believe in "luck" so much as choices we make. Now, ya gotta understand: I love this girl....when I left my cheating ex, it was her couch I invited myself to crash on because I needed to get out of town for a few days and she welcomed me with open arms. But I see where she makes choices in guys that make it easy for her to keep them at arm's length.

 

She can't seem to let go of all those bad experiences with her ex-husband (and they were some pretty horrid experiences...you have no idea how glad I was that he dumped me when I found out what he put her through). She still makes reference to stuff that went on in her marriage like it was something that happened in the recent past...not 10 years ago. Heck, I can barely remember what I was doing 10 years ago...but in some ways what went on in her marriage 10 years ago is still "alive" for her...if you get my drift.

 

She has ocasionally bemoaned the fact "why can't I find a guy like your husband?" My husband and I have talked about that remark. It's a great compliment to him, but he said, "Even if "A" met a guy like me, she'd run the other direction and would find some reason to not get involved with him...even if she was attracted to him."

 

She trusted, and she got burned big time because her ex-spouse screwed her over in just about every area of life he possibly could. I think she's decided that she will not allow herself to get in that vulnerable a position again. I can't blame her for that. In fact, I think the basic idea of not allowing others to hurt you is healthy. Where I think she's gone wrong is the way in which she's making that not happen...which is making poor choices on who to become involved with when she does decided to get involved with someone.

 

If you pick a loser...and you kinda know he's a loser from the get-go...you know you're not gonna allow yourself to get too deeply involved. At the very least, you'll keep your finances completely separate even if you do live under the same roof. (She did live with one bf a few years back, but *surprise* he ended up cheating on her and causing a couple minor financial problems for her, too).

 

I guess sometimes people get burned so bad that they won't get near the stove again. Ever. I suspect she feels she's protecting herself...but the same wall that keeps her safe from the losers also keeps her away from the good guys who are out there, too. It's sad, because in so many ways she's a really cool, loving person. Considering how we met, I never in a million years expected to befriend her, but it's funny how things happen....

[ElektraHere]

S2S

 

I totally agree with your last paragraph. I believe that those who were burned and have put that wall up are keeping the good ones out.

[Dako]

That wall works two ways.

You can keep from being hurt, or

You can keep from hurting someone.

[Mrocza]

Shes2Smart- I totally agree with what you're saying. I see so many of my girlfriends get involved with losers because they cannot let go of their past.

 

Yes, it is difficult and incredibly nervewracking to try to put the past behind you, but it is not about that at all.

 

Each relationship, each experience, teaches us something new about ourselves and our expectations within a relationship and potentially marriage.

 

People who get burned often fall into a victim pattern because they can't seem to find something to compensate for the pain they experienced.

 

Thus, they fall prey to the "bad guys"...which is easier because they will never have to give their hearts fully if they're constantly being hurt. They will never have to test their full potential for love.

 

You can call it hopelessness or cynicism, but they know what they're doing...or they would if they paid attention to the relationship patterns.

 

Those who enter relationships with false expectations or baggage from unresolved issues they did not give themselves enough time to deal with before entering a new relationship with a clean slate, will always repeat the cycle of "bad luck".

 

Over-compensating or too much give or take ultimately leads to the demise of any relationship because the foundation is not strong enough to support a future.

 

Yes, there are bad people, bad choices, bad timing, but you ultimately control your destiny. If you chose to be happy and do everything to look out for number one (read: you) while being fair to your significant other, you will find an equilibrium.

 

Back to my girlfriends. Every relationship is the same, albeit a different name to go along with the sob story. These girls do not value themselves enough to work for their happiness or seem to be able to open their eyes to what they've gained through these negative experiences that can help them move on and do better.

 

In one girl's case, it's abuse. From family to boyfriends, she doesn't seem to realize a pattern to stop it in it's tracks and hurts herself time and time again. She tries to "stay away from the stove" by not getting seriously involved with any guy but she ends up inside the oven.

[Dako]

Thanks. You folks are convincing me how right I am.

At least about this.

[Lilu]

These could be valid reasons for divorce:

 

Infidelity

 

Miscommunication

 

Not being able to compromise

 

Lack of respect to one another

 

Lack of romance

 

Too much dependency from one or both

 

Culture ignorance (for those who are married with someone from a

different race)

 

Influence of a family member(s)

 

Money

 

Jealousy

 

Greed

 

Children

 

Weight or drug problems

 

Work

 

Long distance relationships

 

---------------------------------------------------------

I've been divorced once.

 

-Lilu

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks. You folks are convincing me how right I am.

At least about this.

 

 

I agree Dako -

 

but what does your quote/signature line mean?

 

knibih

[Dako]

Klingon.

-------------