Sex in my marriage is hopless. Should I issue a wakeup call?

[Scout]

I hear you. It does sound like things got pretty bad, and honestly, that bit about what happened when your father died...man, I hope one day she at least looks back on such behavior with shame and regret. That was pretty horrible.

 

I'm curious, do you have any sense of when there was a real shift in her behavior from being a cheerful and loving person to practically the opposite? Any thoughts on possible reasons? Not that there's justification for that kind of behavior. But it certainly seems like a drastic switch.

[Cranston]

I hear you. It does sound like things got pretty bad, and honestly, that bit about what happened when your father died...man, I hope one day she at least looks back on such behavior with shame and regret. That was pretty horrible.

 

I'm curious, do you have any sense of when there was a real shift in her behavior from being a cheerful and loving person to practically the opposite? Any thoughts on possible reasons? Not that there's justification for that kind of behavior. But it certainly seems like a drastic switch.

 

Well, I can only guess. She was raised by a single mother who herself was extremely hot-headed and unbelievably abusive. While my wife is not like that to that extent just yet, she's headed that way. I think she may have never learned how to be comfortable with not being 100% in control of everything. If things don't go her way, she turns abusive - maybe like her mother did when she was a girl. I guess as she began to feel more secure in the idea that I was always going to be there - she felt less compelled to be nice to me. She's perfectly able to be pleasant to all others around her. In fact I'm sure her friends and acquaintances all think she's wonderful .. but not to me.

 

In any case, the change was not drastic. It happened over a long time, getting worse maybe starting 8 years ago

[Scout]

That's very insightful. Sure would make sense, but again, it's not a valid excuse for her to treat you that way. And she's only teaching her own children to operate that way, that is, if she's talking to you like that in front of them. I would love to be a fly on the wall when you announce to her, "I want a divorce. This isn't a marriage, it's a prison sentence for crimes I haven't even committed!"

 

I know this is a big turnaround on my previous take of your situation, but the prospect of a divorce might be what it takes to get her to drastically overhaul her mindset and treatment of you.

[Cranston]

The funny thing is .. I noticed this weekend - is that she has absolutely no idea how bad things are with me. She really thinks everything is pretty much ok.

 

I think I'll be ready to drop the bomb in about a week, maybe two at the very most. I somehow don't expect this will go well.

[annie24]

well, no, I guess you can't really expect it to. just be honest, tell her what you want.

 

it will get better eventually. when you are free.

[arwen]

Hey Cranston,

 

I just finished reading this whole topic, and I can see you have gone through a difficult time. I understand your decision, and I wish you strength to make this decision happen. From especially your last post, I can see that the issues between you and your wife stretch far beyond the issues of sex. I think that is mostly the case, sex or the lack thereof can be a symptom of other things in the relationship that have gone south.

 

I wish you well, keep us posted.

 

Ilse

[Hardrock]

Good for you Cranston. I was following this post for a while, and just felt compelled to chime in and give you a little support. Although, I would have hauled her to marriage counseling first, and raked her selfishness over the coals a bit before I decided to divorce, but that's me. I'm glad to see you didn't fall into the trap here of always blaming the man when this subjuct invariably comes up. I think most of us guys have been in your shoes to some degree, and have gone through similar thoughts and actions. If I could offer any advice, is that you should stick to your guns on what is acceptable and not acceptable to you. You will be bombarded with your every fault in life and made to feel as if you were the root of her problems, when in actuality you were faced an insurmountable obstacle that no man could succedd. Also, try to keep positive and take care of your kids, depending on how selfish and immature she is, she will try to poison them. It's best to just let her say what she wants, and let your actions speak for themselves. The kids will not buy into her prattle when they see what a guy dad really is for themselves. Take care.

[Pee-Jay]

I agree with Cat Walker.. this threat havent gotten you anywhere. I hope Cat Walker knows what he is talking about, 24 and presumebly not married. Cranston, I believe that you are 41/42 yrs and a very successful man. Life have had its up and downs with you, but I am sure that by now you know exactly what your heart says. In this last 16 yrs you have done introspection, shared your heart with your most closest friends including your wife. I won't even be surprised that you had these thoughts already 16 yrs ago. I am not for divorse, but I am also not for that a man of 42 would waist his life feeling depressed and not loved ... Well I am exactly in the same situation, only I am 1,5 yrs married. My story is a bit more complicated though, but comes down to the same facts. .... What does are heart says .. The answer is somewhere deep inside you. Would you stay or would you go!!! I'll pray for you my friend..

[rosemary]

my husband and i have the exact problem. we are both tired at night - or sometimes he is tired and i am not - either way - here is what i think might help:

you are feeling unwanted right?

and you have talked to her many times right?

and nothing has changed right?

ditto.

we've been together for 7 years. married for 3.

i know you think you are last on her list - but as a mother of 2 i will be honest with you - you probably are!!! but that doesn't make her not still think you are important, and can be desirable.

i've tried giving him massages, and he either falls asleep or i nevr get them back - but it might work for you, if you try to get her in the mood before she gets tired. flirt a little. make it an all day thing!

 

the reason i stay up later than my husband most nights is because i am not being given a reason to go to bed - other than to sleep. which i can't do after a long day without winding down - but if he rubbed my feet or my back, or told me to take a bath and he'd meet me in bed with some massage oil or something - sorry to be graphic - but HEY! i'd be there no matter how tired i was.

i know what you are going through. each time we discuss it we end up blaming each other - but we are both responsible...so basically start the ball rolling and see what happens! give her some wine - a backrub and THROW OUT THOSE UGLY PJ'S and GET HER SOME GOOD STUFF!

[rosemary]

wait - sorry i just read the first page and not the rest of the posts so i don't know the whole story...i am just going by what you said about her not sleeping with you - so i will read the rest and then reply again...

[rosemary]

o.k. so i tried to read them all but dinner will burn - but i have to say that i am new here, and this sounds like a very supportive site. alot of people have some great advice.

 

the truth is there IS no difference between men and women - sure some of our thought processes are different - but how much are we programmed to believe that "woman are emotional" and "men only want sex"

 

we are both emotional and sensitive and capable of experiencing the whole range of feelings. we both want sex...we can both be selfish. it is hard trying to balance everything...life, work, kids, marriage, and time for ourselves...relaxation...etc.

 

there are a few good points i would like to recall: going on a trip or taking a few days off - but just for starters.

 

flirting was mentioned a few times. the power of flirting is unbelievable.

and i still stick to my first post...get her in the mood. take responsibility. at least then you'll know you've done everything you can.

 

of course the alternative is that you have already made up your mind, and only you know that. i wish you both all the best.

[Cranston]

Thank you, Rosemary .. but I've tried it ALL. Everything except marriage counseling - but that I won't consider unless she also thinks we have a problem. I have no desire to drag her there kicking and screaming.

 

If you read the whole thread, you'll know I've tried for 8 long years to find a way to fix this. I guess I bought into the notion that marriage is hard work and as such, I took on the work myself. I was mainly motivated to stay for the kids, but now even that isn't enough to make me stay.

 

The trips? We've done plenty. I even took her to Italy and .. well that's all in this thread. She is most certainly not anywhere nearly as pressured and stressed as I - and yet I know I have no trouble being pleasant and loving towards her. So that to me is just a lame excuse.

 

Flirting, offers for massages, etc. I have tried them all many times. It does no good. None of it.

 

And this is why this ends now. I give up.

[hottytoddy05]

Cranston,

I am at the same point in my life as well. Not for the same reasons as you but for others. I am the only woman I know who cares as much about sex as any male friends I have. My husband has no complaints to say the least. But have you thought about the fact she may be nearing menopause? Just a thought. I know if she has fallen out of love with you that the sex would be dwindling also? Has she ever had any complaints in the bedroom, or would she even tell you? My philosophy is: If you don't want it, you ain't getting it good. Just my two cents.

[Strandysmommy]

Wow, this is a long ol thread! I read it from the start, first thinking "gosh, what a selfish #$&*$#&" then continuing on and realizing "ohhh ok..."

 

I tend to read deeply into things...I have been considering what could be going on in your wife's head from the start. I am no psychiatrist or anything (I am a nurse however so I did have to take a semester long psych nursing class).

 

You said she gradually became cold eh? Ok I know that now I am going to...well...speculate.

 

She seems to work a lot. Why is that, I wonder? She's a trainer and it must be a lot of hard work, physical energy being expended. I wonder if she has some sort of OCD or eating disorder- does she spend a lot of time working out? Has she lost a lot of weight? Does she eat healthy? That's one thought floating through my head.

 

I can relate to having a somewhat messed up mother. Mine's an alcoholic who consequently has depression. It was always "fun" calling my mom or going out to her house on weekends. "Gee, will I have nice mom or mean mom that makes me cry?" She'd get mad for no reason, or just crabby and take it out on me when I did NOTHING. But she was darn good at being nice to others.

 

I wonder if your wife is battling some sort of depression? Depression is a mean thing- makes you do and act ways you never used to. You can get mean, or sad or just rude. Taking it out on the ones who love you the most. Depression can also affect one's sex drive too...consider that.

 

Much as I hate to admit it, although I don't drink, sometimes I behave like my mom. Angry for no reason or crabby at people who did nothng to me to warrant that behavior. I know it, and I nib it in the bud, I have made the choice to not be like her.

 

Your wife however, may/may not be aware that she is becoming her mother's daughter. She may be aware but feels powerless over it. She might be depressed and just figure it's a lost cause.

 

I know this is way out there...kinda pie in the sky thinking but I know a lot of messed up folk. I have battled an eating disorder myself and so that's where I pulled that one suggestion. I'm always interested in what goes on in people's brains and why. So I tended to look at your wife from the get go on it. Why is she being this way? It is possible she's depressed and really doesn't want help. My mom is that way. I bring my mom into it because her behavior (sexual, aside) sounds familliar to me.

 

I know your mind is made up- maybe it's for the better. But it's worth tossing it around in your head to consider that. Some people are stoic and won't let another know they're down. Meh...just my 2.5 cents.

[Siriana]

I've only red your first post. So if I missed anything please ignore.

 

I have several possible advices for you:

 

First I guess she's tired: you know having 2 kids and working around a house and working at a real job is a lot of work! You said that you are kickboxing and go to the gym.....do you help her at house? She's definitely not repeled by your looks, maybe something about attitude? do you share work at home? If not than help her - do the laundry at least.....

 

THan, she said that she needs something more romantic? How about going somewhere on a weekend? - but without huge sex expactations..... if you listen to her while she talks, talks.....she will want sex after finished all the talking. Or how about something cheaper and more practical: cooking dinner? Taking kids out so she could have an hour or two for herself? Giving her cupon for massage....

 

I guess you are both stuck in a routine - saying you want divorce or simply saying you need more sex without trying to implement any changes is bad idea.

[Siriana]

uuups I red several other replays and sorry, ignore my previous post

[Gath]

I do find it odd that most everyone here wants to blame Cranston.

 

Certainly we only have one side of the story, but its not like its an unfamiliar story. Cut the guy some slack, sounds like he tried everything, but his wife just doesn't want to have sex. Some people don't. And its not unreasonable (to me anyway) that this would be a relationship deal breaker. It would be for me.

[Cranston]

Yesterday I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She's freaking out and frankly so am I. I feel terrible today. I could barely sleep last night. I told her that we should let this sit for a few days before we decide how we want to proceed. I think she may be willing, for the sake of the kids, to keep it civil. Besides - I'm sure I'll give her more that the courts will ..

 

This is sad ..

[Batya33]

Sounds from your post that you don't see her work in raising your children as worthy or difficult as you say you sacrifice everything. What about what she sacrifices in raising your children and doing all that work? My guess is from your attitude that she also sees that attitude, it makes her a bit angry or resentful and anger/resentment is the best way to turn someone off really fast. . . . .

[Cranston]

Sounds from your post that you don't see her work in raising your children as worthy or difficult as you say you sacrifice everything. What about what she sacrifices in raising your children and doing all that work? My guess is from your attitude that she also sees that attitude, it makes her a bit angry or resentful and anger/resentment is the best way to turn someone off really fast. . . . .

 

Which post made you think that ..?

[Scout]

Cranston, everytime I think you've disappeared for good, you come back! How are things with you? Got any updates you'd like to share with us?

[Cranston]

Cranston, everytime I think you've disappeared for good, you come back! How are things with you? Got any updates you'd like to share with us?

 

Yeah - if you read just a couple of posts above .. I told my wife I want a divorce. Now she's freaking out and I'm a little shaken myself even if I'm the one who had the advantage of knowing what's coming ,,

[Scout]

How is she freaking out? Is she angry? Or saying she'll try to make the marriage work? Has the discussion of marriage counseling come up yet?

[Cranston]

How is she freaking out? Is she angry? Or saying she'll try to make the marriage work? Has the discussion of marriage counseling come up yet?

 

She's shocked that it has come down to this. She says she loves me and and all that. But she also says that she's not going to beg nor say anyhting since none of that will do any good. She also tried to say that she didn't know things were so bad and why didn't I tell her? I couldn't believe my ears ..! After so many times telling her.

 

I did feel bad for her on Friday and I weakened. I gave her a hug and fifteen minutes later she returned it. The next day - she was * * * * *y again and was too tired for sex.

 

It was a mistake for me to have softened. I'm filing.

[hardcharger]

Cranston, best of luck to you. Divorce is a terrible thing and should be considered last, but how can a guy go without sex for the rest of his life? I know I couldn't. I'm lucky. I'm married to a woman who is sexual and no matter how bad things are we find time and emotion for that at least twice a week and that keeps us going. I don't think woman understand how Essential sex is for most men. I can only speak for myself and my best friends. We are not trying to use a woman, or pester her, or control her, we simply need that sexual release. Masterbation is not the same and just doesn't do it. So what's to do, you look at yourself. Are you mean, controlling to your woman...do you put her down and make her feel so lousey that she doesn't want to sleep with you? do you best to analyze and fix situation, but it doesn't have to be your fault whatsoever, and maybe it isn't hers, it is just her anatomy. That thing that woman get their sexual peak in the 30's as guys are slowing down is all bull.