Sex in my marriage is hopless. Should I issue a wakeup call?

[clever_angel]

Dear Cranston.

I have read the whole thread. I am a new member, and joined precisely to find out what happens to coulples in our situation. My husband of 15 years, a really terrific man in many respects, is not interested in sex and intimacy with me. It hurts, especially when I feel the love and attraction is not mutual.

He "still loves me, but is no longer in love with me. That translates into "I want you in my life, but I do not feel like being your lover" Like you, I have become sarcastic, I have considered an affair. What I really would love is for him to notice my love and desire, and to respond.

It all seems so pathetic (and I feel smaller and smaller). He seems to manage fine, and is a closed circuit. Masturbation, work, a drink with a friend are enough for him. When I try drawing attention to my need (in sometimes less mature ways) it makes him withdraw more. This type of dynamic is not uncommon.Therapy can be disastrous, because there are few good therapists around who know what they are doing ( mostly they sit in on fights and get paid for it). In our case things got worse.

 

What helped me so far:

 

Patience

Talking to a sex therapist on my own (ours is a common problem)

Seeing my spouse's good points - he has many

Putting my children's needs first ( Ideally they need both of us)

Telling him I love him, and why - it reminds me

Trying to be gentle with myself & with him

Telling him I miss him and the way we were.

Asking him what would make him more responsive.

 

I do not believe giving up is the answer for my problems. I often run out of motivation to carry on - but I think I will learn to deal with this in a smart way.

Thank you for posting your problem, it has helped me.

[hardcharger]

and he feels I am not crazy enough in bed for him.

that was the only thing i picked out that you could consider to improve on. Is it possible you aren't satisfying him as a sexual partner somehow. THen again, some guys just have a low sex drive, mmmm, you are in your 40's like me, it is a shame that so many peoples sex lives are "washed up"(i'm not really sure yours is yet, but it might be headed that way), so keep thinking and searching.

 

"we just can't connect" - do you spend enough time together? do you make sure you do something with each other each day?

 

The anger. Yuck. Try to forget about it as soon as possible, try to have good make up sex soon. (within 48hrs).

[4ppl]

It is a fact that she is too tired after work! But sex in marriage is one of the main things for both of you...she should understand that the alive man is close to her but not rubber guy made of plastic....

[weloveletters]

May be it is better for both of you if she gives up her job...and takes a good rest?

[jevonj77]

You should tell her that it's clear that it's her jobs, and all that other stuff that she's doing that she's placing above your relationship that is making her so tired.

 

So if she wants to keep you, she's going to have to give up some of the things that she's been doing all the time that make her so tired...otherwise you'll have no choice but to file the divorce...which I know you're doing now anyways.