Sex in my marriage is hopless. Should I issue a wakeup call?

[Cranston]

I'm 41, I have 2 kids 12 and 8 years of age am in great shape (I lift weights and I kickbox). I also make great money and I think I'm an easy person to get along with. I'm sure I have my faults, such as not fixing things around the house as much as I could maybe. But I honor and respect my wife, and have done so for our whole 16 year marriage.

 

For the past 8 years, since the birth of our son, our sex life has diminished gradually to now almost once a month. 99% of the time sex occurs after she's in bed and exhausted. She teaches fitness classes, wakes up at 5:30 AM and is totally destroyed by 8:00 PM. So sex happens when she happens to have a little time for me at night. She's in her PJ's (the ones with the hole in them), has cream on her face, and her eyes are practically shut from being tired. I feel like I'm the last one on the list. Everyone and everything else comes first.

 

I've discussed this with her many times. She often agrees that it's messed up, she promises to change things and then nothing really changes. Sometimes she tries to pin it on me saying I should do more to be romantic. But I've done all those things. I'm beginning to think she just doesn't think our intimate relationship is very important no matter what I say. She's so busy that I have to plan 3 weeks ahead just so we can have a night out. This is rificulous. Why am I sacrificing my freedom to work my * * * off all year to support a roommate?

 

So here's what I'm considering. I'm considering telling her I want a divorce. I see this as going one of 2 ways:

 

1) She suddenly realizes the seriousness and pays attention to this issue

2) She breathes a sigh of relief in which case I'm better off gone.

 

What do you think?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

tell her your unsatisfied and go from there, but divorce?

[avman]

I guess its up to you whether sex is a total dealbreaker or not. If it is, and you feel you've exhausted all other avenues well then I suppose you can proceed with a divorce. If it isn't, once you pull out the D card it's pretty hard to put it back.

 

Any chance some marital counseling would help?

[Cranston]

tell her your unsatisfied and go from there, but divorce?

Um .. I already did that. Many times. I said so in my post. I doesn't work.

[Cranston]

I guess its up to you whether sex is a total dealbreaker or not. If it is, and you feel you've exhausted all other avenues well then I suppose you can proceed with a divorce. If it isn't, once you pull out the D card it's pretty hard to put it back.

 

Any chance some marital counseling would help?

I don't know .. would it?

[annie24]

Can you two take a romantic weekend together, just the two of you, no kids?

 

Have you told her how important a sexual relationship is to you, not just to get your physical needs met, but for your bond as husband and wife?

 

Marital counseling?

[Nobilis]

I feel your pain. My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Over that time, my wife has always put everyone and everything before our relationship. This has been very frustrating for me as I think it is essential to carve out time for each other. I have spoken to her many times about it but her answer is always the same. She get very sarcastic and tells me I am whining and being a "big baby" about it. I cannot uderstand why she does not see this as an important detail in her life.

This lack of attention to our relationship is leading us towards the path of divorce. She is so diconnected from "us" that I am living with a roomate as well. She seems to be ok with this as it is a good deal for her as she gets all the "perks" without any commitments. It is tearing me apart.

 

I don't think I would threaten anything unless you are ready to follow through.

I would discuss your concerns and be very candid on how you feel about it. At some point, you will need to ask yourself, if you can live with it or should I move on? That is the point I am at currently. I am hoping my wife "comes around" and sees the value in our relationship but I am not optimistic. I am preparing myself mentally to move on.

[Caterina]

Sounds pretty heavy. Its a difficult decision. I feel for you, don't know what you should do. Like he said, once the D card is played...its not good. Try other methods of letting her know. If she continues to be unresponsive...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Cranston - I am in the same boat only I am your wife (not literally, obvioulsy).

 

And I gotta say, there is a lot more going on FOR ME, than I let on. He says and does all the things you've said and done.

 

I know I'm a s*&t and I really don't mean to be but I really AM exhausted at the end of the night, I'm really unhappy blah blah blah - bottom line, it's all very selfish. Its sad but true. At the end of the day, literally, its all about me.

 

I'M too tired, I'M not in the mood, I just don't want to....

 

If my husband asked for a divorce because of it, which I can totally see him doing after 4 years of this - forget 8, he wouldn't stand it that long, I would be MORTIFIED!

 

I may be alone and get totally blasted for this, but I think you should try the shock therapy approach so she knows you're more serious than complaining and complaining but letting her "get away" with it, in a manner of speaking....for 8 years.

 

BUT, I suggest you try the, "I made us an appointment with a marriage counsler" first. Don't go straigt to the "I want a divorce" type shock. That could be fatal.

 

If she asks why you made an appt, tell her because you've been thinkingabout divorce.

[Day_Walker]

At this point I believe that your threats have been empty and they havent gotten you anywhere. The only thing that you have to go on is what your wife said. You can make an attempt to be more romantic, whatever that means to your wife. If that doesnt work then you have to do what you have to do.

[avman]

Martial counseling couldn't hurt. At least it's another avenue to try. It sounds like if the sex thing could be worked out you'd be happy. That's worth an attempt don't you think?

 

You've been unsuccessful in talking about it between yourselves. Maybe a neutral third party can get both of you to open up and resolve this so you can continue to grow and be happy with each other.

[RayKay]

I really suggest you at least look at marital counselling first, for the both of you.

 

I will not deny sex is an important part of a relationship, and I would be the last to say "suck it up and live with it"...however I think divorce is not a card you should pull out as a threat. Only if you truly are ready to walk away from your wife, your children and into the stress of a divorce and of splitting a home up.

 

I think your concerns are valid, I also think her concerns are...you may have been romantic, but perhaps she knows/feels the romance is done with the goal in mind? I think you definitely need to discuss your concerns not just from the point of getting your needs met, but also from the point you feel your bond together as partners, friends, lovers is fading. That so much is given to everyone else, and you are often forgotten about. And tell her you are unhappy and don't have confidence in the long term if things do not change....not just promises, but actual change from both sides. And suggest marital counselling as a way to work through this and have a neutral observer guide you through some solutions and "homework" to see if there is a chance of getting back on track.

 

I think if you phrase it in a way that is about how it is affecting you as a couple, and the long term strength of the marriage, you may get a better response. If of course she is unwilling to work things out with counselling, or by having date nights for example, then perhaps it is time to consider whether you can live like this forever, and if not file for the divorce. But only after all other options are exhausted. Divorce will still be an option then, but just make sure you are fully ready and prepared to do it. It's not unusual in long term relationships, especially those with kids...but it's not right you are the last thing on her list either.

 

I am sorry you are in this position though, you do sound like a decent guy, and I wish you both the best.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree RayKay with everything you said ....cept, why would getting a divorce mean he would be walking away from his kids?

[avman]

I don't think RayKay meant he was walking away from the kids. Moreso that they will be strongly affected by a divorce.

[Nobilis]

Ta Ree Saw...Question for you.....Why do women appear so selfish with their emotions? Many men, like myself, are very busy as well. I am a professional who has a position that demands a lot of my time, work around the house (outdoor and laundry, cleaning, etc) and 3 kids who have very hetic schedules). With that said, I have always tried to make time for my spouse as I value her and our relationship. Many times I have suggested we take a romantic weekend or attend some event just as a couple (no kids) and my wife has turned the opportunity down. However, if someone else suggested she do something for them or have a girls weekend, she is out the door in a hurry.

My wife and I are both professionals and very busy with life, but for some reason, she does not see any value in our relationship. I just don't understand.

[RayKay]

I don't think RayKay meant he was walking away from the kids. Moreso that they will be strongly affected by a divorce.

 

Bingo, I did not say he would walk away from them, but more that he would be dividing up the home, and the kids would be stuck in the middle, and not in both their mothers and fathers home simultaneously at least.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Nobillis - I don't know. I certainly can't speak for all women but for me, I just don't know.

 

I dare not say all women who don't want to have sex are selfish, but...it is sort of selfish, FOR ME. When I know my husband appreciates sex and he knows that I appreciate going out to dinner, flowers, hearing nice things, him taking the kids, helping with chores and he actually does all these things!!

 

Incredulously I say, what is wrong with me that I can't give him a little of what he wants! EVEN if he IS only doing those things to get sex, he is because he wants it and its important to him.

 

I don't know why I get selfish at times. Or why other women do, if they do.

 

If I went to a marriage counselor, someone who could help drag it out of me, I bet there IS a reason.

 

Sorry RayKay, I was just asking... you said ...walk away from your wife and kids. I was just curious why you said it that way. No offense meant, really.

[RayKay]

.

 

Sorry RayKay, I was just asking... you said ...walk away from your wife and kids. I was just curious why you said it that way. No offense meant, really.

 

Naw, I should of worded it differently I think...I forget people can't see what I mean in my head...just see the words! I just meant to say usually when you file for divorce you do "walk away from the family unit", but I did not mean to imply he would not be involved in his childrens lives (not all men are as deadbeat as my own dad was!). But it does divide the home up, and it's not as "easy" to spend time with them depending on the custody arrangements and so forth.

 

But I am not an advocate of staying together FOR the kids either, so I don't mean to imply that either!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I know what you mean and I totally agree.

 

And I sometimes hate the lack of emotion or tone behind the written word vs the spoken one. Its too confusing sometimes.

[Nobilis]

I wonder if women think men do all these things just for sex. Sex is very important to me but I wouldn't say I do things around the house just for sex. Our lives are very busy and I understand that it takes both of us to work together to make our household work.

Having sex is a way that I can express my love for my wife and if she is not interested in it, I begin to question how strong her love is.

[PocoDiablo]

I'm sure I have my faults, such as not fixing things around the house as much as I could maybe.

Is it possible that she sees this as a lack of discipline, a lack of respect for what needs to be done around the house? I have found in my relationship that if she asks me to do something, if I put it off things seem to go worse for me. No matter how hard it is, I put things on a list and do them - even if it means I do not get to spend time with her. When I've done everything, it shows that I take everything responsibly and I am pitching in 100%. Now, since I have done my part, she's got nothing to complain about - what about you? I know it doesn't SEEM related, but I think it is. You have to show your woman that you have self-discipline, you are the provider, you are the father, and you take care of the things you need to. That makes her realize you're the right man, and may just make her respect you more to start with. Just a thought.

 

99% of the time sex occurs after she's in bed and exhausted. She teaches fitness classes, wakes up at 5:30 AM and is totally destroyed by 8:00 PM.

Sounds like she needs a few days off. Being too tired will kill anyone's sex drive. Now when is the last time you managed to get her schedule under control so you could plan a night out, get some babysitter for the kids, and enjoy yourself?

 

I've discussed this with her many times. She often agrees that it's messed up, she promises to change things and then nothing really changes. Sometimes she tries to pin it on me saying I should do more to be romantic.

I have to agree with her here. I was having the same problems. I talked until I was blue in the face. Nothing happened. So I pulled up my socks, so to speak, and started flirting. Yeah, flirting, like we used to do. A short email here, a quick call there, throughout the day. Then we go out sometimes and just enjoy ourselves. No talk of work or kids, etc., just being together and having a good time. And no focus on sex, just being together.

 

It didn't take long until she got back in the mood, so to speak. A week or so, because I realized I had to be consistent, make her happy, make her attracted to me again. It's hard because we all fall into a rut of just being so ... boring! Do you think that's possible? Maybe you need to joke around a little more, or do whatever you do to have fun together?

 

I'm beginning to think she just doesn't think our intimate relationship is very important no matter what I say. She's so busy that I have to plan 3 weeks ahead just so we can have a night out. This is rificulous.

I can see where you might say that, but somehow I don't believe that. However, you should ask for her to spend less time teaching (yeah, it'll be a tough fight) so you can spend time together (not just sex, and YES it's a good reason.) Relationships live on "face time" and if you're always just working, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt (yours this time.)

 

Why am I sacrificing my freedom to work my * * * off all year to support a roommate?

Because you clearly love her, you just feel rejected right now. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

 

So here's what I'm considering. I'm considering telling her I want a divorce. I see this as going one of 2 ways:

 

1) She suddenly realizes the seriousness and pays attention to this issue

2) She breathes a sigh of relief in which case I'm better off gone.

You may as well try to hit her with a baseball bat to turn her on. In my opinion, you are forgetting that you can take some time and make some more effort to - yes - be more romantic. But when you talk to her about this next time, you need to smile, look her in the eye, and give her a nice little kiss and tell her "Deal. But you need to give me the time to do it. Two way street and all, blah blah, blah, so when are you going to cut back your hours teaching fitness?" Sure, she'll take offense, but keep it light, flirt, and point out that you're willing to get things back, and you expect her to work with you, not against you. Remember, you may want to treat her well for a few weeks, flirting and having a good time, so she knows you are serious. Your actions will speak louder than words, we all know that. Talk is cheap ... SHOW HER.

 

What do you think?

I think it's save-able. If you focus on results, not pain.

 

I think it is essential to carve out time for each other. I have spoken to her many times about it but her answer is always the same. She get very sarcastic and tells me I am whining and being a "big baby" about it.

See, this is what I am trying to drive home - talking about it does nothing. DO SOMETHING about it. Take her to dinner. Hey, I know she likes sushi, so where did I take her Tuesday? You got it, her favorite sushi place. Spent almost two hours, she had a few glasses of wine, just relaxed, and we just talked. Don't be in a big hurry to leave ... ENJOY the time together.

 

Complaining about it is child-like, in my experience and opinion. Stop being the child she has to take care of, and start being the husband and making some decisions. Such as "We're going to dinner tonight, so please be ready by 7:00." No surprises, and don't take no for an answer unless she is sick.

 

I believe that the way to turn a woman on is to change the oil in her car like you promised, call the caterer like you promised, take her out on dates, flirt, joke, and cheer her up. I don't believe talking to her how you don't get laid enough is going to do anything but annoy her.

 

Your pick. What do you think? Any wisdom to my words?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Wow Poco.

 

Wow.

 

Great advice and I think I am going to print a few copies of that off and leave them in various places around the house so my husband can read it.

 

BUT -as you said, and I strongly agree, this is something that takes work from both sides.

[RayKay]

I agree 100% with Poco Diablo!!!

 

Well said...I believe he is bang on here...

 

I believe that the way to turn a woman on is to change the oil in her car like you promised, call the caterer like you promised, take her out on dates, flirt, joke, and cheer her up.

 

It really is the "little things" that count. I read somewhere something about relationship "currency". Women see things like doing little chores as "currency". Men can work all day and bring in money, but for their partner to feel appreciated they need to see this "currency" in the form of being appreciated themselves and by them doing the "little" things that to you may be "chores" to her it shows you are a man of his word, and care about her enough to "take care of things and her".

[PocoDiablo]

I always joke that doing the dishes and vacuuming the house is foreplay ... who wouldn't like to come home to a clean house, and find a glass of wine that you bought from the store, her favorite kind of course, chilled and ready to go?

 

It doesn't take much imagination, in my opinion, to realize that if a woman is not turned on it's probablhy because of something the guy is doing ... or not doing.

 

That's how it works for me, your mileage may vary.

[BellaDonna]

To the origional poster:

 

What about going away for a weekend?

 

Arrange a babysitter for your kids- tell your wife in advance so she can re-arrange her schedule.

 

Get away from everthing. Re-connect with her as a person. See how the sex goes when the stresses and exhaustion of her life are removed. If you feel the connection and chemistry and love with her as your wife then- it might just be a matter of the 2 of you FORCING all other stresses out of your life now and then- and making time for one another.

 

I personally think it's not a great idea to threaten divorce. Don't you remember your vows- for better or for worse? I think there are other alternatives. I think sex is VERY important in a relationship, so I can understand what you'd be distressed. Though I think threatening divorce is counter-productive to what you're trying achieve which is physcial intimacy. I doubt threatening divorce will give her any kind of sex drive- instead it will just make her feel insecure, and more stressed, and distanced from you.

 

There has got to be a better way. Keep in mind both of you will have to put in effort. Even thought she is your wife, it is not her "duty" to have sex with you. Healthy relationships consist of sex which is equally enjoyed and desired by both partners. The brain is the most powerful sex organ. If your wife does not feel special, sexy, romanced, she's not going to make it a priority to have sex, she will let the monotony of everyday life take over her sexual side.

 

I really think she needs to be wisked away for a romantic weekend. You both need to remember why you fell in love in the first place.

 

 

BellaDonna