Sex in my marriage is hopless. Should I issue a wakeup call?

[Cranston]

1) I make great money so she doesn't have to even think about working if she doesn't want to. As a matter of fact, she makes very little from her fitness classes. So as a provider she has nothing to say.

 

2) She used to be a flight attndant until the oldest was 9 years old and the youngest was 5. I took care of them as practically a single father for 1/3 of our time together. I'm still a very involved father. There is no question as to my capacity as a father.

 

3) Self-discipline? For myself, I work out 6 days a week and I look damn good. It's hard work and takes great self-discpline. My profession is one that demands constant study and the achievment of deadlines. What, I'm a bum now because I can't remodel a kitchen?

 

4) Can you even imagine if we turned the tables a little and a woman posts here saying that her husband won't be intimate nor affectionate with her because she won't iron his pants with a nice crisp pleat? You guys would rake her hubby over the coals and rightfully so. Isn't the idea that on top of everything else, because I'm not a great handyman nor plumber I must accept that I'm a failed husband that I should be ashamed of even suggesting that she be attracted to me sexually? Are you serious?

 

 

 

I don't control her schedule - she does! She schedules her classes and clients as she wishes. And again, it's not for the money - she doesn't make that much and I make more than enough for all of us.

 

 

 

Been there done that. It's been 8 years! I'm not a bumbling oaf, I did get her to marry me! I've done it all. I read the books on how to rekindle the romance. I took her on trips to Europe and the Caribbean. Went to Clib Med with the kiddie camp so we could spend time together.

 

None of it worked in the long or medium term. In fact, it barely did any good in the short term.

 

But thanks for your reply - I see you gave it alot of thought and I do appreciate it.

[novaseeker]

Yeah it doesn't work with all women, though, Poco.

 

I did a boatload around the house, cooked every day, did all the grocery shopping, maintained the kitchen and bathrooms, spent tons of time with my son, etc. and got ZERO credit from ex for any of it. She focused on things she didn't like, and honestly took for granted the things I did, which were many. Every woman is different, and different kinds of things are important to different women.

 

I do think, Cranston, that you should try the counseling route. It would be a good opportunity for a wake-up call for you and your wife. Perhaps both of you need to adjust a bit, and understand each other's perspectives more thoroughly, so that you can make some changes and try to make your marriage work. A sexless marriage is not something you should put up with, but with 2 kids and the years under your belt, you should try everything to make it work before throwing in the towel. So try counseling and see how it goes.

[hardcharger]

Cranston, lot's of words by well-meaners above, but it is really quite simple, if the marriage is okay and you would like to stay together, you need a girlfriend. I have been married 20 yrs and have no need for such a thing, my sweetie takes regular care of me, in fact it's been 6 days, and she knows WE are overdue and she is out of town tomorrow night, so it should happen tonight, or then for sure tomorrow am.

 

My best friend has the same problem, except worse than you, he manages by having a few married girlfriends who uderstand and satisfy his needs and he does likewise. Much better for all than a divorce for all involved.

 

Do you deserve to live a life of "pent up" sexual frustration or have to give yourself "relief" alone (only)? That's not how it was meant to be. The trouble is you need a discreet woman, maybe in a similar situation, (my friend has a few), whom you can trust and won't blow it all up someday. But that's always chancey.

 

Tough luck bro, I feel for ya! Some woman just don't know how or aren't willing to put it out. We all have our weaknesses.

[annie24]

I don't really think that taking a mistress is the answer. That is, of course, unless the wife is fine with it.

 

From her perspective, I can see why she would work so much. I'm the kind of person that would get bored if I had nothing to do all day. Even if my husband brought home $20 million a year, I would still either work, or put myself on a dozen charity boards. I'd still find a way to be busy.

 

So... I don't know. Has she given you an answer why she's not interested in sex? It could be medical. The birth control pill can, ironically, reduce desire. There are many many medications out there that reduce one's sex drive, and there are some to bring it back.

[hardcharger]

so much of the above is excuses, excuses, excuses. What? women don't have time to fulfill the #1 need of their man, the need that ONLY they could and should be fulfilling?

 

It is such a shame that many women just don't "get it". Or, maybe they understand, but they just don't care about their mans sex drive because they are literally repulsed by their husband, or maybe even their own body or sexual skills, and just can't be bothered to take the 15 min.'s or so once or twice out of their week to quench the never ending fire.

 

But even a girlfriend could be tough, because if you are like me or my friends, you want sex about 2x/wk(i'm 47), and depending on your schedule/routine, it might be tough to work in a girlfriend. Of course, you don't just work one in, there are emotional issues that get involved, love issues on both sides that might arise, sex creates a bond that is more than physical. But there are woman out there that understand what a good man needs, and are willing to fulfill those needs, in spite of the marriage, for some time and caring.

 

I am not kidding, I think the affair option is better than the divorce option, if the marriage is tolerable and there are kids involved. For me, no regular sex from wife, leaves me only two options - a life of never-ending pent up sexual frustration or a life of solitary masturbation.(i'm not anti-M, but not as the sole means) I go through this place only one time, neither of those options would be acceptable to me.

[Cranston]

Ok, had the talk last night. I didn't go as far as talkign divorce, but it was a rather enlightnening converstaion nonetheless. I'll spare the details, but here is what I gathered from our talk:

 

1) Yes, she can go weeks with no sex and it doesn't bother her. But then again, it doesn't bother any of her other girlfriends either (I guess they talk about that with each other). She rolled her eyes at the fact the husbands want sex "all the time". She thinks it's baiscally normal to be this way.

 

2) She's tired of worrying about whether or not I'm getting any from her. She likes to go to sleep at 9:00 PM and she doesn't want to worry about whether or not this pisses me off.

 

3) Her life is not very exciting. Having sex in our bedroom is a turnoff for her. Never mind that we live in a lakefront home with our huge master bedroom facing the lake.

 

She then accused me of being a bummer and that she doesn't want to discuss this anymore. This topic is off the table for her.

 

You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm seriously thinking about lining my ducks up for a divorce. I came to the realization that I'm being used here. I'm relatively sure that with an attitude like that, she's going to dump me after the kids grow up. Right now I'm an ATM.

[annie24]

I am so sorry. I totally understand your frustration. My manicurist, a very Christian woman is always telling me, "The bible says you've got to keep your man satiated. I have sex with my husband twice a day, because I want to keep him satisfied and happy." LOL. They sound like they're doing quite well.

 

You on the other hand.... did you talk to her about therapy maybe? You may want to contact a divorce lawyer, maybe they can tell you other things to do. You know, so if it ever comes to divorce, you can say that you literally did EVERYTHING to start up your sex life again and nothing worked.

 

good luck

[Tylin]

I think Poco and a lot of other posters here had some great advice. This isn't just about sex, she's exhausted. I know that sex with my husband is the last thing I want after a full day of work just before sleep.

 

Do what you can to help her out. If evenings aren't good for her, what about mornings and afternoons? Also, if you're well off and can afford it, help financially with the housework: hire a maid, have groceries delivered, get a babysitter on the weekends. It will probably cost a lot less than a full fledged divorce and alimony!

 

Sex should be passionate and exciting, its totally normal for you to be missing it. I agree with having an affair...but only with your wife! Sneak around and take her to motels on your lunch break, she said she wants out of the bedroom.

 

Don't give up unless she just really hates sex and won't compromise. You've stuck with her this long, she must be doing something right. If she won't go for any of this stuff, try therapy. Just do what you can to find the problem..things like this have a way of coming back sometimes, even if you're with someone else down the road.

[shyanne]

 

For the past 8 years, since the birth of our son, our sex life has diminished gradually to now almost once a month.

 

What do you think?

 

from experience, it get's worse.. i'm in the same situation or was a couple of years ago. now it's like every 3 or 4 months. 16 years is a long time.... sometimes i think that happens after so long, you sometimes become more like friends or roommates or you just drift apart. love only because of the years together or for our kids sakes. it's a shame but it happens more then what some think.

[RayKay]

Hmm, unfortunately it sounds like she seems pretty unwilling to work on it....and saying a "topic is off the table" is a rather "negative way" to deal with an important issue. And saying "everybody else is like me" is pretty false, since that is definitely not the case.

 

If that is her attitude, and she is telling you "it's may way or the highway", and this is important to you (which I can understand 100%), then perhaps it is time to contact a lawyer and talk about your options and how to best go about this.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Cranston, I'm sorry things went that way. Good for you for going to her and talking about it. I agree with RayKay. If she's that unwilling to ever talk about it again your chances of getting her in counseling sound slim.

 

While I hate to recommend divorce to any one, maybe your original idea of bringing up the topic of divorce as a wake-up call IS in order.

 

Please keep us posted. I feel for your situation immensely.

[PocoDiablo]

Hi again,

 

Well it's good to get some more information, maybe I can pick out some other things.

 

1) I make great money so she doesn't have to even think about working if she doesn't want to. As a matter of fact, she makes very little from her fitness classes. So as a provider she has nothing to say.

 

...

3

) Self-discipline? For myself, I work out 6 days a week and I look damn good. It's hard work and takes great self-discpline. My profession is one that demands constant study and the achievment of deadlines. What, I'm a bum now because I can't remodel a kitchen?

Sounds like you work too much? I don't know your schedule, but do you think it's possible that you could spend more time with her, doing nothing or something? I make good money too, but this weekend my SO and I spent the entire time going out together. All day. Both days. Suffice to say I have bruises where I have never been bruised before... and you know why. And no, it was not in the bedroom, and no I did not have to initiate it. What did you do?

 

4) Can you even imagine if we turned the tables a little and a woman posts here saying that her husband won't be intimate nor affectionate with her because she won't iron his pants with a nice crisp pleat? You guys would rake her hubby over the coals and rightfully so.

Relax, killer! It's not that bad! And yes, looks count.

 

Isn't the idea that on top of everything else, because I'm not a great handyman nor plumber I must accept that I'm a failed husband that I should be ashamed of even suggesting that she be attracted to me sexually? Are you serious?

Not the way you're taking it. I was just bringing up issues that *might* fit in. You know, with all due respect, you're pretty heated - and I totally understand, I mean this is a tough situation - but my point here is to try to make you think about things differently. Maybe you're being a little defensive? I don't even know you, or anything (really) about your life, so pretty much anything anyone says is going to be a shot in the dark. Maybe we can mention something that makes you *think* though, and that might lead you to a breakthrough that could change things. Isn't that the goal? Doing something different to make things better?

 

I don't control her schedule - she does! She schedules her classes and clients as she wishes. And again, it's not for the money - she doesn't make that much and I make more than enough for all of us.

Then what is it? Why would she rather teach a class with strangers than spend time with you. I have always bottom-lined things - a woman who has a high interest level in her man will want to spend time with him.

 

Been there done that. It's been 8 years! I'm not a bumbling oaf, I did get her to marry me! I've done it all. I read the books on how to rekindle the romance. I took her on trips to Europe and the Caribbean. Went to Clib Med with the kiddie camp so we could spend time together.

You're spoiling her. (Oops, ran out of smilies!) Have you ever thought about a reward based system? For example, she does something nice, you do something nice in return? Yes, it's a very basic concept, and almost insulting, but it can work well. What did she do to earn those vacations, other than exist? (Now, remember, go easy on me! I am just bringing up the *basic* concept, you have to extrapolate some!)

 

None of it worked in the long or medium term. In fact, it barely did any good in the short term.

So if something is not working, don't keep doing it. Doing something wrong, but doing it twice as hard, will not get twice the results.

 

But thanks for your reply - I see you gave it alot of thought and I do appreciate it.

I try. Sometimes I help, sometimes not.

 

Ok, had the talk last night. I didn't go as far as talkign divorce, but it was a rather enlightnening converstaion nonetheless. I'll spare the details, but here is what I gathered from our talk

Okay, I gotta tell you, this is something I would have never done, nor did I recommend it from the beginning. Your results are not surprising to me. You could have done anything but this and got better results, don't you think?

 

1) Yes, she can go weeks with no sex and it doesn't bother her. But then again, it doesn't bother any of her other girlfriends either (I guess they talk about that with each other). She rolled her eyes at the fact the husbands want sex "all the time". She thinks it's baiscally normal to be this way.

Sure. Women are not sex machines like men. Men actually have to work on being attractive to women to turn them on. It sounds like you have not mastered this skill. This is something you should focus on fixing, and you should do it *without* talking to her about it. She's not going to tell you how to push her buttons, how to turn her on, just like she cannot tell you to fix the brakes on your car and you can't explain it to her. You just KNOW, she just KNOWS. You need to learn this skill. There are resources out there that can help, and I'll shoot you some links and info if you want.

 

2) She's tired of worrying about whether or not I'm getting any from her. She likes to go to sleep at 9:00 PM and she doesn't want to worry about whether or not this pisses me off.

I don't blame her. You keep bringing it up, but never actually have made headway in turning her on. She's over the therapy talks. And, interesting note, she's also taking control of the situation.

 

3) Her life is not very exciting. Having sex in our bedroom is a turnoff for her. Never mind that we live in a lakefront home with our huge master bedroom facing the lake.

She's bored. Big surprise. When was the last time you had sex in a dressing room? (Guess what we did this weekend?) What does a lakefront house have to do with foreplay? Get this ... NOTHING. It's a material possession and I assume it's not lined with vibrators so how is it sexy? Do you know of any woman would could walk into a building alone and get turned on by it? You are, in my opinion, equating your wealth and power with turning her on. So, for example, you think that if you buy her something she should be grateful and get horny. That has never worked for me, and actually can show that you are of low status because you have to win her over.

 

There was a very interesting study done relating to this. You should read this link and tell me how you relate.

 

So, after reading that article, where do you rank? Are you high status or low status? It's well known, in my experience, that when a woman believes she is with a low status male she is less turned on by him. If your behaviors are similar to those of a low status male (begging for sex, buying gifts, supplicating to her, lack of self control [anger, speeding, wreckless behaviors, drugs], etc.) then I find that many women get bored and subsequently turned off. Do you have an behaviors like that? Of course I don't know, so YOU need to think about it.

 

I still think this is all your fault, and you have the control to change it.

 

She then accused me of being a bummer and that she doesn't want to discuss this anymore. This topic is off the table for her.

Yeah, no doubt! I don't know how in the world you expected to turn her on with a talk like that. You may as well have talked about some politics or monster truck racing. A sure-fire way to bore a woman.

 

And the interesting thing ... she took control right here. She told you it was off the table, and you (I assume) went along with it. Not that you want to be a jerk about it, but ... what ... a serious topic and you're not allowed to talk about it? How does that allow you to stand up for yourself? Realistically, an appropriate response might have been something like "Um, no, this is NOT tabled. This is an important discussion, and it's a two person issue. It may not be all your problem, and it may not be all my problem, but we are a team. We need to discuss this and figure it out. If you want to *postpone* it until tomorrow, I can respect that. But it's not off the table."

 

You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm seriously thinking about lining my ducks up for a divorce. I came to the realization that I'm being used here. I'm relatively sure that with an attitude like that, she's going to dump me after the kids grow up. Right now I'm an ATM.

Yeah, you're friendzoned basically. You are going to get dumped, but it's - in my opinion - not going to be any better with the next woman. I am picking up some very subtle clues here that you are missing. I think you need to really, really, really slow down, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what behaviors you are doing that are low-status, boring (like she said), and instead how to improve things.

 

Why don't you talk about the times you've gone out recently, or how much time you spend together, and attempts to turn her on and how they worked .. or not? We might be able to point some things out, give you some tips, etc.

[Scout]

Poco, some really good points and suggestions in your post; it's clear you took a great deal of time to completely address Cranston's situation. But, I'm thrown off by the "low status/high status" references...that really sounds like some kind of "How to have a woman eating out of your hand with my 30-day program" spiel I've seen on certain websites that basically pigeonhole women as some kind of easy-to-manipulate creatures.

 

Other than that, I loved your post. What do you mean by this low status/high status thing, though?

[PocoDiablo]

Here's the short answer:

 

link removed

 

Basically, if you're being a kiss-up, women don't respect it. I believe it's innate, it's genetic, it's the survival of the fittest mentality. Women are biologically programmed to seek out the most fit mate to ensure the survival of the species. Almost all species do this. Lionesses mate with the lion pack leader. Sure, sometimes the younger males get a chance to mate, hence the term "get lucky." But it's the strongest, most powerful male that is chosen first. Same thing goes for women - men are attracted to the most beautiful women first. Now, as far as humans, if you act like a subordinate, I believe it sends a signal that you ARE subordinate ... less attractive ... less sexy ... you're just *less*.

 

Just because some of these pick up artists have hit on this concept, by the way, does not make it any less valid. I've seen a few variations of this concept on lots of sites, but it's scientifically valid. Sure, some idiots are going to try to make a buck off it. Sorry to say that I think it's only one *part* of the whole picture. Like one third or less.

 

Women are certainly not easy to manipulate, and I don't even like the term manipulate, and that would never be my goal to advise someone to do that. I believe that the hardest person to manipulate is yourself, but that is what needs to be done. We can all improve ourselves through hard work, introspection, dedication, and a desire to grow and learn. I think that most people's problems are simply caused by themselves. Why are Americans so overweight? It's not because of someone else, it's because they lack self-control. That is all the fault of their choices in diet. Why do people around us not act the way we want them to, giving us sex whenever we are turned on? It's probably because we are not treating them properly. It's not that Cranston's wife is not a sexual creature, it's because he has not - in my opinion - taken the proper steps to stimulate her imagination and arouse her.

 

We all know that we, as people, get turned on by concepts of sexy. You can watch a sexy movie and get aroused. But did that movie actor actually touch you? No. Did they talk to you? No. They stimulated your imagination and you got turned on. You can walk down the street and 99.9% of the people you see won't turn you on. But you can be walking out of a Safeway and nearly run into a stunning brunette who looks deeply into your eyes and you can be instantly aroused. You can flirt with one person and get aroused, but do the exact same thing with your mother and not get aroused.

 

It's all in your mind. You have to act, do, behave in a way that is arousing if you want to make other people attracted to you.

 

When Cranston has serious, sit down, half-accusing & half-begging conversations with his wife about sex, they do nothing to arouse her. In fact, they do the opposite. He may as well have handed her a bucket and sponge and told her to clean the floor. It did nothing for her.

 

What turns her on? I don't know - only he does - but he needs to take steps to understand that he needs to act in a way that suggests he is a mature male who knows he is sexy, and he needs to make her feel attractive, and he needs to figure out other nuances of his relationship so they can put those pieces together. As far as I am concerned, he can do it if he really applies himself. He can also continue to force her and pressure her more and more until one or the other of them snaps and get divorced.

 

Once he does get divorced, how is he going to meet a new woman? I bet he is not going to walk up to a stranger, say "Hi, I'm Cranston, and I have certain sexual needs. I need you to have sex with me at least 3 times a week, in the bedroom, and I want this and that." He's going to have to meet a woman, talk to her, flirt, get her number, go on a number of dates, try to kiss her for the first time, see if she likes him, invite her over to his house, court her, provide some for of mental foreplay, then physical foreplay, and then he may get sex. (More or less.) Basically, everything he needs to do for a new woman he needs to do now for his wife. But he doesn't want to, he just wants her to act like a man and jump him.

 

Sure, there are other options, as I see it. He could hire a prostitute, get a mistress, or cheat on her. The prositute will be all over him because that is what she is paid to do. The mistress would probably be the most interested in sex because she KNOWS it's for sex only, and his abscence (challenge) would make him very attractive. The cheat would end up wanting more as well (challenge) but probably try to wreck the marriage so she could have him ... and once she got him would be bored and cheat later.

 

There's TONS of issues to go over, but the bottom line is that he is ignoring the reality of the problem, in my opinion, which is HIM. Plain and simple. His behavior has to change for this situation to change.

[hardcharger]

I'm totally "with" Cranston, what more can you do. Some women got it, some women don't. It might have something to do with Cranston, but whatever, it just isn't working out in that dept, and that is pretty typical that women loose interest in sex as they age, more than men.

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, well the funny thing to me is that if it does have something to do with Cranston, and he gives up now, why do you think his next woman is going to be any different? If he treats women like this, no woman is going to be interested in sex with him.

 

The "whatever" means "I don't care enough to make it work, even though I have all the answers, and I'd rather blame other people." I think that's a poor decision, personally.

 

We all need to strive to be the best person we can. We reap what we sow. All that stuff.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally, I think if sex is that important to you, then you should get a divorce. She isn't willing to work on the issue, and she has a very busy life outside you. Why did you grow apart so much over the years? That's a question to ask...are you a workaholic yourself? Do you spend quality time with her and your child/children? Is she just selfish?

 

Although I agree that you should get a divorce if sex is that important to you, I also think you should review your own actions. If a woman isn't emotionally attracted to you, she won't be physically attracted either. Are you fighting a lot? Are you helping enough around the house? She's obviously exhausted, why don't you help her out instead of tossing her aside?

[Momene]

Tiredness and stress can kill sex drive as it's happened to both my wife and I at odd times. Talk to her and see if she can have a less demanding job or there's other things she can cut down on, Is she over fussy about the house, for example?

[OceanEyes]

that is pretty typical that women loose interest in sex as they age, more than men.

 

Maybe they just lose interest in their current partner. Sex becomes boring when the person becomes boring. Sorry, but it's true! lol And it works BOTH WAYS!

 

My ex-boyfriend went from getting sex 4 times a day to maybe once a month. It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested in sex (I was, just not with him anymore), it was because he had become the most boring, generic, uninteresting person ever, and it actually frustrated me to be in the same room as him.

 

And let me say this – he owned three businesses and was VERY attractive. Money + physical ‘pleasantries’ do NOT = sex.

 

To the original poster: I obviously don’t know you or your whole story, and can understand your frustration. At the same time, I don’t think that you’re ever going to get what you want from your wife. At this point you’ve already messed up the psychodynamic, and she’s going to feel defensive EVERY time you come to her for sex. She won’t initiate because, psychologically, she’ll feel that it’s a requirement. You can either spend the next several years trying to guilt your wife into pleasing you sexually, or you can be more realistic and understand that you can’t just ‘expect’ something from a person when they are not willing and wanting to give it. Of course you have the right to a sexual relationship, but why bother getting it through guilt and anger? Honestly.

 

I'm all-for people being happy and getting what they want and need out of life. But with sex ... sex is primal. It's something that you either FEEL or you don't. You can't force someone to be attracted to you, and you can't force YOURSELF to be attracted to someone else, regardless of how terrific you know they are. Attraction is not a formula. It's a natural urge. I think it's beautiful that I can be wildly attracted to someone and not have any idea why.

[Scout]

Cranston, you still here, lol? I want to send you a terrific article I read called "Relationship Boredom." It can really give you some great insight into how marriages hit the kind of rut you describe. It's actually pretty common. I'm going to PM you.

[Cranston]

I think the theme of boredom is probably at the root of this whole problem. And let's face it, I'm bored as well. Not of her, but of my mundane life as well. I mean I work my tail off to maintain us in a very comfortable setting and no stresses over money and material issues. That IS boring.

 

So maybe I need to shake things up a little. Maybe it's time I do something here and maybe it won't be so pretty. But then again, as they say, you can't make a decent omelette without breaking some eggs, right?

 

She evidently doesn't see me as much of a challenge. Human nature is such that maybe we don't value that which we have at our disposal whenever we want. I certainly am dependable and maybe too much so here's the deal ..

 

This weekend, I'm going to ask another woman on a date. I do have a co-worker who will likely go with me, I just have that feeling. And I'm telling the wife that I'm going "out". That's it. I'll get dressed up nice and I'll go have a great time for once. I'll get back at 4 AM - and sure she'll be very angry maybe. But she'll also feel very insecure. She'll wonder where I've been and what the hell I'm up to. And for the rest of the week I'll be happy, I won't even think about suggesting sex or affection between. I'll do this a few times. Not only will this eliminate the boredom, but I'll liberate myself a little from the stifling BS that our relationship is mired in.

 

And in a month, if she's still feeling bored, maybe I'll ask for that divorce to really spice up her year!

[Scout]

Cranston, you're very angry with your situation. I see that quite clearly. You have a lot of resentment towards your wife, and indeed, she is not putting in her effort required. And neither are you.

 

Please, don't drag another person into your marriage. Don't take the cheap, easy way out by having an affair. Man, you've got kids! What kind of example is that to set?

 

It seems to me you have seriously lost touch with what's important in life, my friend. Let me tell you, it's not a lakehouse and constant sex with a co-worker.

 

It's love and compassion, and a commitment to make this world a better place to be in - starting with your family.

 

However, these goals take hard work. Are you willing to put in that same effort that you did to get your house by the lake?

 

If you go down the road you're tempted to right now, I can promise you that years later, you're going to be looking at a truly empty life, and you'll look in the mirror and see an empty soul.

[melrich]

If you go down the road you're tempted to right now, I can promise you that years later, you're going to be looking at a truly empty life, and you'll look in the mirror and see an empty soul.

 

I have to say I agree totally. An affair will leave you with nothing but an empty/guilty feeling. It won't solve anything. Look to within your family first for a way to resolve things.

[Scout]

Cranston, I just sent you another article, called "The Five Stages of Committed Relationships." It's basically a terrific roadmap of the typical anatomy of a relationship as it progresses, and I made my current boyfriend read it fairly early on in our relationship. It gave me so much clarity about potential trouble spots that typically occur over time in any committed relationship, so that he and I can avoid them. I think this will help continue to put things in more perspective for you.

[Cranston]

Not putting in the effort required?? I've tried it all ... for 8 years. I bought and read the books on rekindling the romance, I took her on relaxing vacations, I cook dinners and do my share of house chores, I'm extremely even tempered and affectionate. You don't think getting my a** up out of bed every morning to spend all day in a vapid cubicle whether I feel like it or not is an effort? I'm the oil and the fuel that keeps the whole family running smoothly. What, now I need to become a mind reader and keep jumping through one hoop after another in the hopes that something meets her approval? She's lucky to have had someone like me all these years.

 

What has she tried? Nothing. And you know why? She doesn't think there is anything wrong! She likes things the way they are right now, if only I'd shut up about wanting damn sex "all the time".

 

Sorry, I'm done with all that crap. I'm not a dancing bear nor a monkey. I really do think I may have spoiled and bored her half to death with me being such a nice guy. There's no drama in her life. I sincerely think I need to add some. I'm not looking for the affair - I couldn't care less. I am looking to destabilize her enough to make me and life interesting again. I know it sounds drastic, but I think I'm ready to do it. If she decides that she doesn't want me anymore after that, then so be it. I mean, what is she going to do? Deny me sex and affection?