Running Into One another: Very Long but need advice

[crvers]

that was pretty hilarious, nice 1

[crvers]

I just want to clarify what place I am in right now: For anyone who has any misconception of how I feel and perceive what has happened because of what I have done.

 

What I have lost I have lost my girlfriend and coincidentally because of that i have lost my best friend. I have lost the mutual friends that we shared over the duration of our relationship. I am alone.

 

Why I began flirting with other women instead of putting effort into my relationship. I developed feelings for a girl, who meant nothing to me, instead of showing my girlfriend my feelings. I underappreciated the most important person in my world and lost her trust because I never bothered to communicate what I felt until it was too late. I became a fool.

 

Acceptance of what the most possible outcome of this situation is My ex will most likely not come back. I have done everything in my power to push her farther and farther away by my inability to be patient. If I had just talked to her instead of talking to some other girl and emotionally cheating on her, I may have been able to save the relationship.

 

One thing I understand after looking through all my postings and thinking about things the past couple days is: My words always were lined with - She should come back because she loved me. Thats why I am a fool, because I expected her to come back because I just thought she would. I am a fool because I never fer once before we broke up thought she wouldnt. I had always thought she would come back after anything. I was wrong because she won't. I was wrong and for that I am paying the price of being alone and without her love.

 

I am not beating myself up over this anymore. I am accepting the fact that I was completely and utterly wrong in this. She deserved better than what I gave her. She walked away from me because i continually hurt her and never really acted like I cared.

 

I have grown in this. I know I have because today I dont hate myself as I did 2 months ago. I hated myself because I didn't recognize the person looking back. One of my best guy friends said to me in december "I never thought u'd ever turn into that. In highschool all u wanted was a girl to love u and all u did was push her away once u got her." Only now am I truly realizing how disappointing I was to my ex, to my friends, and to myself.

 

I hope this explains what I feel. How I felt. She walked away for a good reason. Now its up to life to decide where we both go from here. I'll hold no false hope for her to come back. If she ever decides to then I'll show her the man she created not the boy she had left.

 

Thanks for everything everyone.

[Momene]

Well I hope you have learned, as you say you have. But your next chance will almost certainly be with someone else. It's right to be reflective and take responsibility for things and I salute you for doing so.

 

BUT ... was she really so great???

 

If you felt the need to flirt with other girls, then you must have been missing something from her or felt that she wasn't making you feel attractive and needed to seek assurance from elsewhere. I used to flirt when with the ex Mrs but have just not done it when with my wife now.

 

Good luck.

[kellbell]

Crvers,

 

Momene is absolutely correct. If you felt the need to flirt and get into the likes of other women...your relationship with your ex was not all that special or strong. Something was missing. I am sure you cared about her and so forth...but your relationshp with her was not strong enough to endure the test of time.

 

I think things happen for a reason and maybe your relationship ending was supposed to happen because your ex was not the one for you.

 

You wrote a very well-thought post. I am glad you see the error of your actions and that you realize also the consequences of your actions. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. You are doing great and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Scout]

crvers, I am sitting here at my desk applauding your words. You are definitely a more mature young man than a month or so ago. And I think you are going to make some lucky girl happy beyond words one day. Who knows, it could be your ex, but if it isn't, trust me - you have many chances at love.

 

As a good friend told me today, try to think of it like this: "I wonder what the next opportunity will be, if this one has apparently closed it's door and I considered it important?"

 

There is always something else around the corner for us, if we continue to evolve, as you amazingly have.

 

I'll PM you later, I have some other stuff to tell you that might help, but I have a deadline on a project right now.

 

I am so proud of you.

[crvers]

She was great

 

I just never gave it a whole chance. She invested more heart into our relationship. I invested more money. I sweated too many little things about us, and maybe sometimes she didn't sweat them enough. I really did take many things for granted that she gave me, I know that now.

 

She was a real person with real feelings. I never really thought about that. That I could really hurt her. Well, I guess I do now.

 

"You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next." Maybe we just didn't have enough of them.

 

She'll be fine. I'll be fine. Life will continue on. I guess it took me really hurting someone to finally grow up.

[crvers]

To anyone who cares anymore. I finally have my answer in this. She is not coming back. I destroyed our relationship and I pushed her away. I hurt her too much to ever have her want to come back. I know I learned alot. I know I have grown. I have accepted what I have done and the mistakes I made. But it doesn't make it any easier. My heart has just broken into 2 once again. Now I know that I have to move forward for I will never be able to turn this clock back.

 

Oh god it just hurts so much. it just so hurts so much. and i created this.

[Momene]

To anyone who cares anymore. I finally have my answer in this. She is not coming back. I destroyed our relationship and I pushed her away. I hurt her too much to ever have her want to come back. I know I learned alot. I know I have grown. I have accepted what I have done and the mistakes I made. But it doesn't make it any easier. My heart has just broken into 2 once again. Now I know that I have to move forward for I will never be able to turn this clock back.

 

Oh god it just hurts so much. it just so hurts so much. and i created this.

 

All I can say is that there's loads of us who have got over break-ups and moved on. It may feel like the end of the world but it isn't.

[Meow18]

You are obviously hurting over what you did, and you realize you made a mistake, so I won't go into that.

 

You said: "A week later she sat me down and talked about how she had been depressed about everything lately and that maybe she should move home. I didn't stop her. I wish I had now but I didn't, I thought it only fair that I figure my stuff out and maybe if I was lucky I could come back to her a better man."

 

I have to say that it was good to let her go. You had doubts about your feelings. It would have been wrong to keep her around, letting her be depressed that you didn't know what you felt. So, letting her go was the best thing you could have done for her. Even though you realize now that you miss her, what if you never let her go? You would probably still be confused about your feelings. And then where would you be now?

 

The thing is, you realize what you should have known all along: you love her and you want to be with her. Maybe it's too late for her, that's something that only she knows. But can you blame her? She's understandably very hurt by what you did.

 

You need to give her the space she wants. Tell her that you realize you made a mistake and that you want to be with her. That's all you can do.

 

And if she does come back to you, it's not going to be easy. You have to earn her trust back, because you know what? She's always going to wonder if there's another girl you are thinking about. How could she not?

 

Just be understanding of what she is going through and be sensitive to that. It's not all about your feelings, because you brought it all on yourself. She's the one who didn't deserve her hurt.

[crvers]

The thing is, I sent an email the other day after running into her. Yesturday she returned it with her own message. She isn't coming back. I am accepting that. I needed her to say it for closure. Without that I wouldnt have been able to move on. But readin it even tho u know the answer still breaks the heart. Now all I am having to deal with is forgetting her. I am still in love with her but she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I don't blame her since she has every reason not to want to come back.

 

I thought i couldve been her friend, but i can't. Maybe one day but not right now and not in any foreseeable future. She said she would call sometime, but i wrote back for her not to. I just don't want to be doing okay and be stopped in my tracks because of her call. I cried yesturday. My heart hurts today. Tomorrow i will think of her. And the next day she will be gone, because I was a man she wantted who pushed her away.

[Meow18]

Well, you need to work on yourself now. Your right, at least you know she's not considering coming back. That way you know that you just need to move on.

 

You are probably thinking you made the worst mistake. But you know, things happen for a reason. If you are meant to be together, you will be one day, even if it's just as friends. You have to believe that.

 

I think overall, this was bound to happen. You had feelings for other people. If you didn't do anything about it, she would still be around, but she would be depressed, and you would still probably have feelings for other people.

 

Of course, now things aren't any better because you don't have her anymore. And you are hurting. And that's understandable.

 

Take it from most people on this board. We have mostly all been through the feelings of losing that person we really care about. But we are healing, and some of us are completely healed and moved on. Give yourself time. It will take awhile, but you will get through this.

[Relationship Coach]

After receiving your PM I reviewed your post and it is pretty clear that what the majority of the others are saying is true. You lost her because you thought there was something else out there and now she no longer feels for you the way that she did. Can you blame her? Put yourself in her shoes and tell me how you would react.

 

In a relationship you must treat others how you would like to be treated. Deal with your anger and jealousy, then get over the fact that you screwed up. You can only change your mind not hers. Go NC to let yourself get past this, it won't happen over night, this was a LTR. Who knows what is down the road but forcing anything right now is not the right thing to do.

 

RC

[crvers]

There's nothing to force anymore since its over now.

 

I know its time to let go. It just hurts reading it. She has every reason to leave and not want to come back. Just knowing it now for certain, and as much as i know life will continue, today is a hard day. I'm just having a hard moment right now because NOW I have to give up all the thoughts of a future with her in it. Because she won't...Today is just a hard day.

[Relationship Coach]

Have your day of mourning, no one can stop you. Dealing with the aftermath is never easy but you will get over this. Coming to terms with everything is hard but there are many here who will help you along the way.

 

RC

[chai714]

crvers,

 

I sent you a pm.

 

Everything is going to be ok - you have my personal guarantee.

[crvers]

This post is getting extremely long but I need to vent right now!! I am currently at the point where I want to yell at the top of my lungs.

 

So as I will tell you I sent an email (Oh yes, an email) to the ex last thursday. Basically it stated what I thought happened to the relationship, where I went wrong, and what I have learned from it. Their was no pleading, begging, or sappy inuendos in this letter. The letter was mature, factual and slightly apologenic. Anyways, I sent it.

 

I got a reply on saturday. Understandably (and i had already expected it) she replied says she was finished and had nothing left. That I was to move on and that would be the only thing that would make her happy. So with no other choice, I am moving on. Saturday night was hard but I am moving forward. I understand the why's as to her not coming back. I dont blame her for not wanting to. So the end of her email consisted of her asking me to understand and be finished, that she will "call" me sometime.

 

Being that I of course am not anywhere close to the idea of being friends with her right now, I replied for her not to. I felt that it is the only way both of us can move on with our lives. I do this more for me since finally I have to stop thinking about her feelings. I can no longer blame myself for the end of the relationship. I did what I could. I tried to make amends, and even thought we're not getting back together, I think I have. She does not hate me. And from what i could understand from the email she still loves me but doesn't want me. So fine, I have to move on. Fine. When given no other choice its pointless to stand and wallow.

 

BUT this is what i am really irritated about. Yesturday morning I get a phone call from her. I don't answer (tho I shouldve) and she doesn't leave a message. So now I spend part of the day wondering why the hell she called. Forget. And then wake up this morning wondering again. So I call and leave a message about it and for her to give me a call back.

 

Well she does. Turns out she "mis-dialed." She said I wouldn't believe her (which I do since she has no reason to call) but she was dialing someones number similiar to mine and accidently dialed mine instead. Well I said that was fine and I had figured that was what had happened. I said "Alright, well I'll talk to you later then." and rushed to get off the phone. She sounded hurt and almost like she wanted to cry when i slightly coldy got off. I didn't mean to and even then my imagination could be playing tricks and she could've been fine.

 

Either way it doesn't really matter. I just really am pissed off because everytime I let go of the relationship and focus on forgetting my woes and mistakes, something like this happens to pull me right back into the drama. I am just getting irritated. As you can see through all my posts...I am feeling better, and then have to see her to sign something....I am feeling better then I get a phone call....I am feeling better and I run into her infront of a video store.....and then this. It just keeping happening.

 

She seems fine. She is focused to move on. I congratulate her for that, its a bit painful knowing she's able to get over me so easily, but like I have said before she has all the reason to. All I want right now is some peace and quite: in my head, in my heart, and especially in my life. Have I not paid enough for my mistakes at this point. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!?!?!?!?!1

[Scout]

Don't imagine scenarios like "She's fine, she's over me, etc." First, it just makes you feel worse. Second, it serves no purpose, other than to keep you doggedly thinking about her. You want to make sure this natural sadness/grief doesn't cross over into a habit of obsessively thinking about her.

 

Finally, the anger you are experiencing is actually part of the grieving process, and it's after panic, desperation, and idolizing the ex - so you're actually moving on! You're just not all the way there yet, but you will be.

 

I have every confidence in you. Hang in there. You're almost out of the woods.

[Momene]

I'm afraid the getting over process is often 2 steps forward and 3 back but you have to bear with it and keep going. You now have to think of your future and what you want and can do with it. Try and find some other interest. Don't throw yourself at the first available girl but don't say "no" to a nice invite either.

[crvers]

So as we continue the saga which is me. Today kinda sucks.

 

Its beautiful outside. Its Sunny, warm and feels like summer. And the only thing I can think of is the ex. Yesturday she barely skirted my mind, but today she is the only thing I can think of.

 

Pointless thoughts of a past that no longer matters. Its sad really how self involved I became in our relationship. How selfish I became. My friend told me the other day how she is okay with hanging out with me again because I stopped acting like a schmuk.

 

I am making an effort to better myself...for me. I just wish she could see the changes she made in me. But that hope is gone now, because she is not coming back. I have to keep that in the front of my mind or I'll never get through this.

 

The most valuable lesson I have ever learned:

 

That you can't take someone for granted and expect them to stay. To expect love is to show love back all the time. It's a choice we make every day, to love the one who has given us the gift of their love.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Hey, turn that frown upside down. You said it yourself, it's a beautiful day, so go jogging or for a nice walk and get those enodrphins pumping( endoprhins will help create a " happy" feeling)

 

I know what you mean, but those changes may not be seen by her, so unfortunately it's all for you buddy. But hey, thats great though because then you'll be focused on helping yourself out instead of thinking about the ex. I know that helps me sometimes too.

[crvers]

This will most likely be my last posting on this thread. The sitaution has come to fruitition.

 

On Sunday night I went to a nightclub to give one of my friends a hand while he was meeting a girl he had met online. He needed a wingman and I was the only one available. So I decided what the hey, well while I was there my ex girlfriend showed up. We talked for a bit, it turned out that she was there with the guy I had mention on my first posting on this thread. The guy who slid in right after we broke up. She said they were on a "sorta" date. As the night progressed I caught her looking at me and vice versa. I danced with one of the friends of the girl my friend was trying to meet and again I caught her looking. At one point she came over and talked again, I asked if she was having fun and she said "no, not really." I figured they were on maybe a first or second date. But later on that night I saw her kissing him, so that idea went out the door. When this happened, she looked over and saw the horror on my face...she left shortly after. I left just after they did and when I looked for her, the guys friend said they had just left. So I called her and asked why she didn't say goodbye, she said sorry and I asked "What are we" (since she has been shwoing such irratic behavior over the past couple weeks) and she replied "Nothing"...and hung up.

 

I went home and basically cried my eyes out that night. I couldn't believe it. The guy who "nothing is going on" with is being kissed by her.

 

So Monday morning her best friend came online and started to talk to me. I told her I saw my ex and the guy, and she was like uh-oh...After demanding that she just tell me the truth, she eventually told me they had been going out for longer than a month. A month, hearing that broke my heart. I called the ex shortly after and requested her to tell me the truth about everything since nothing made sense to me anymore.

 

 

Anyways as the conversation went, it was true they had been dating for over a month. I asked her why she kept lying to me, and she replied she didn't want to hurt my feelings. It hurt more looking over my shoulder and seeing her kiss another man.

 

Some here will say I deserve this. Others will provide sympathy. I know I created this situation but now feel that maybe it wasn't all my fault. That maybe he was there before we even parted ways. My anger and feelings of despair are battling for dominance in me and I just don't know what to do.

 

I don't have any words that decribe how i feel right now. I know her well enough to say she doesn't jump into relationships lightly. So having this happened makes me wonder how much of a victim she really was in the past 3 months.

 

I feel like I was just replaceable. That I wasn't good enough. That I am a person so easy to get over and leave. Thats how I feel right now. Through all my insecurities this has always been the highest on my list. That I am a person who doesn't matter. That I am a person who in the end will always lose. And worst of all I put myself there.

[crvers]

It has been 9 weeks since I started NC. Things between myself and the ex had become too much. As my last post showed, the drama became a late night soap opera. Regrettably all the events leading up to it were too much for me to handle anymore. And so I decided to make a choice, a choice for myself. To finally attempt what I had been avoiding for 3 months, and that was to let go. My life became my own selfish emotional playground, one which I kept perpectually creating, filled with denial, rage, and hate. The choice was right infront of me, the door was open and all I had to do was walk through it. And so, not looking back, I took that step forward...

 

Within these 9 weeks, she has tried to contact me 3 times. Twice on the phone and once by email to wish me a good trip (since I just went to cancun recently). I felt every attempt was a selfish act on her part. I believed through all the revelations of late, that she had lost the ability to make any choices surrounding me. I felt that she no longer had any right to inject herself in my life without my consent. That now its my turn to control when/if we were ever going to speak again.

 

I came back from my holiday calm, relieved and happy. I had met a very wonderful woman on my trip who made me realize that I still had value. That I could still make a real connection with someone who was not "her." I came away knowing that I would be alright. And I still am.

 

But even with this newfound hope for the future, I still find myself looking back and thinking of her. I still wonder how she is and whether she still thinks of me. I feel that even if I saw her, I wouldn't even know how to talk to her. She just feels like a stranger to me now.

 

For the past week I have wanted to call her. I look at the phone and wonder what it would be like to dial her number and listen to the phone ring. I wonder what her voice would sound like on the other end and whether it would be happy to hear from me. But everytime I wonder, I think to myself how many times...how many times I called or txted her and her newfound boyfriend was sitting beside her. How many times she lied about her life and how many times she took her aggression out on me. Most importantly I wonder how she could force herself back into my life, knowing how hard I was taking things, and holding onto a secret that would forever change the "relationship" between us.

 

I made a complete fool of myself. Friends were lost. A new boyfriend was found who thinks I am crazy and a threat. And an ex girlfriend who I no longer know. So why is it I want to call her. Why is it my gut keeps telling me to call her? I want to call her! But in the end, my pride will not let me do it.

 

-C

[Momene]

Turn the clock back a few years and that was me. Things happened very quickly between my ex wife and a friend and in the end I just had to accept that things must have been happening when we were still together.

 

I can see that from the new boyfriend's point of view, you may appear like a stalker. The fact is that she has moved on and you haven't. When you are really over someone you don't post messages about them on boards. You go to work or study, you watch a bit of TV, you have hobbies and social life and your ex just doesn't come into your thoughts. Whether there was any overlap between you and someone else just doesn't matter because you get to the realisation that it just wouldn't have worked anyway. You stop desparately trying to find a replacement and feel more comfortable being single.

 

Most of us realise that there are other people out there and the person we thought was "the one" is just one of thousand or millions of possibles.

 

I wish you luck.

[crvers]

The thing is: I havent contacted her. I haven't made any attempt to do so.

 

If he thought I was like a stalker, he'd be very wrong in that conclusion. Being that any contact that has happened between myself and my ex has been all from her side. 2 months NC, and a month of LC because she kept making that so.

 

Prior to that it was all me. But I stopped. Plus, I couldn't really care what he thought about me. His opinion doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.

 

I just don't understand why I want to talk to her.

[Momene]

I guess part of you hasn't totally accepted that it's over but a larger part of you can't understand why and you need "closure". I'm afraid "closure" is a bit of a myth and it really only comes later when you've had more relationships. You're still too close to it, as you haven't split long.