Running Into One another: Very Long but need advice

[crvers]

Alright, for anyone whose been following the story, here's some more. And Yes, I am the worst advocate for No Contact...absolutely no self control.

 

So I ended off telling u that 2 weeks ago I saw my ex at a mutual friends place. Well I decided after msging with Paco, that I would eventually call her about some items that she had left behind in the apartment. So last friday I did..I called and left her a message, "Was packing the rest of my things in the apartment, and i came accross a number of items that are yours. I was wondering if u'd like to get together for coffee tomorrow and i'll bring the items"...the next morning she called and asked what they were. I told her of course...we then just did the usual convo of what u did last night what r u doing tonight stuff. Fairly relaxed, she asked about the new apartment again i told her she'd like the blue tiles in the kitchen and agreed she'd like to see it. She couldn't get together that night, as requested, since she was going out with her friends... but would call me soon. I joking said "In a week or 3..." ba-dump bump bump. Well, she said that her school was the * * * *s and she wasn't doing very well, which made me sad since I know I'm the distraction. So we ended off on a good note i think...

 

Later that day since I really had nothing to do and haven't done anything fer the last 3 saturdays, a friend of mine told me someone they knew were selling hockey tickets to that nights game. So I bought them figuring that i could fine someone. Welp that was wrong...ended calling everyone and even the ex to see if she wanted to go before going out. She called back and said she would've except that she had to meet her friends early...so i wonder whether she would've if she had no plans....That night i msged her "Just got home, we lost! If u need/want a ride call me, time doesn't matter"....bad idea?

 

Next day I text messaged her before going to bed "Gnight, good luck on ur papers. hope they'll be easy. If u want i can sit silently next to u while u write them. I'm sorry ".....Firstly have no idea why i wrote sorry, secondly the sitting thing was that in the past when she was under pressure for papers she would write B+..A papers while i was in the room...it was always a running joke..I just hope she got it.

 

So monday comes along, alright day at work...go to a meeting fer the new apartment...get home and there on the tv is 50 First Dates. Well since my ex and I had watched it every night fer like 7 months straight i decided to send her a quote and ask what the movie was ie. "Whose Lucy and whats up with ur nipples..Name that movie "...well she messaged me back "Haha...i don't think i've seen that 1"....of course at this point i went off on a txt tangent...which i regret...since i totally missed the sarcasm...duhhh....brain fart...welp 11...and yes i know...11 msgs later she finally msgs back the answer with an ! mark. So i message back..."Ur pissed now?"....she then called....

 

Weird way to get the ex to call...she said she wasn't mad but she was trying to study...i just told her the movie was on and it made me think of her and that i wanted to talk to her...so i joked around (at this point i don't know if she just wanted to get off the phone and was being nice fer that reason), but i asked about sat night and where she went and if she had fun...(turns out where she went, was 1) the place i had expected her friends to go, and 2)my friends and i almost went to) and was there fer like a half hour and that it blew and went home. Well i told her to call me later in the week and to stop wasting time talking to me...I tried to keep it as light as possible...she asked if i was drunk and I said no just in a good mood and happy to talk to her...i said i missed her (and yes bad call on saying that) and she said i know. And then we got off the phone...

 

Well a half hour later figured i'd sent so many msgs that i sent her a goodnight 1...."Gnight little chinchilla-armadillo-lambie-rabbit..lol...luv ya " she used to call me cute things like that. She never msged back...though never expected her to. So the next day talking to a our mutual friend and we're just shooting the * * * *. I tell him about going to the gym and how i lost a bunch of weight. He says "Single and Loving it"...so I replied (joking).."No, single and with nothing better to do then go to the gym than harass my ex to come back" lol...well he gets all serious and says "Its Over, I'm not tyring to be mean just stating a fact"...just wanted to yell at the guy. Hate people who talk in such absolutes. I mean I know they are probably privy to certain info, but until me and her actually talk/never talk again...then nothing anyone says will help..and all it does is twist a knife when he and his wife say * * * * like that. So I feel asleep bauling my eyes out.

 

So yesturday was a horrible day, woke up at 5am and cried fer like a half hour about her..went to work and periodically had to go to the bathroom to cry..went home and cried....and then slept from 530pm to this morning. Yesturday totally lost control all emotion.

 

Today I am better but still constantly thinking about her. I did another stupid thing and msged her something i used to tell her all the time when we were together...I know I have no pride left. I totally lost control of any part of the situation. I feel alone, without anyone since my friends are tired of me talking about her and don't quite understand why i want her back. I'll post next the email i would send her but know i shouldn't ...it was stuff i needed to get outta my head...thanks fer reading my long post.. comments or questions go fer it.

[crvers]

Dear ex,

 

I have written this letter so many times that i have lost count.

 

I love u. I love u with all my heart. I meant it the first time I said those words to you on my bedroom floor when you were crying in my arms. I mean them now. In my world of uncertainty the only thing I am sure of is feelings I have for you. I know that now.

 

I have made many mistakes. I took our relationship for granted and underappreciated the love you gave me. Most importantly I lost the trust of the only woman who matters to me in this world. I have put you through alot in the last 2 months and can't express how sorry I am for causing you such pain. You've opened my eyes so much. Shown me a world I never knew.

 

You've taught me a valuable lesson: that you can't take someone for granted and expect them to stay. To expect love is to show love back all the time.

 

I've grown so much in the last month. You not being here has shown me how much of a fool i was. An absolute fool.

 

I want to be that man whose their for u. I want to be there to share next years christmas and say "awsome haul"! I want to be there when u graduate from school and buy your first car. I want to see u dance on the beach in Hawaii. I want to be there for u so much.

 

From the day you walked out the door, so did my heart. I want to give us another chance. I want to make this right. I want to make us better. I just hope I'm not too late. I'm not asking you to take me back or forget everthing that has happened. I just want us to take the first step forward. I love you so very much and hope you can see my words for what they are.

 

Always yours,

 

Love,

 

Chris

 

I cried myself to sleep

Thinking about us

About how a love so deep

Could decide to die and weap

 

Holding my pillow tight

Wishing you were too

Loving you with all my might

Hoping you love me too

 

Maybe we weren't meant to be

But I just can't stop loving you

Seeing you as a friend

Is something I can't do

 

Look around

What do I see?

All our love, our unity

 

I wanna love you

I want to make this right

In all the darkness

You are my only light

 

My pillow saw the tears I shed

The moon saw, while I lied in my bed

The lonely, painful road ahead

If we were to part

[Scout]

Ok, my advice is that you need to send this email: but not now. You've bombarded her with messages, she does know you really care now, but they are losing their luster because they are happening every day.

 

Give it three weeks. THREE WEEKS AND YES YOU CAN DO THIS. And then, send this email. But without the poem at the end, that's a bit much.

 

Let her not hear from you for three weeks so she can at least get some reassurance again that you're a somewhat stable guy, because right now, you're not behaving so, lol. Don't take that the wrong way! You're going through hell, and it's understandable, but you're also creating a weary situation for her.

 

If you can wait three weeks, then send the email, and see if she responds/how she responds...you'll know how to take it from there. But there's a possibility that you won't get back together, and at that point, you will have to realize your actions that led to the break up had consequences you're going to have to accept.

[Scout]

Actually, this line might need to be deleted from your email: "from the day you walked out the door, so did my heart." She's just going to be reminded that you encouraged her to walk out the door. I don't advise including that line.

[crvers]

Yeah I know. Today I am feeling much better about everything. I am actually getting a little angry about the whole situation.

 

She used to tell me to "Just Love me, never leave me"...in a whispery tone all the time before we feel asleep...i loved hearing that from her. She loved me very much. So in the end, as much as has happened I feel like she has just discarded/erased me from her life...and unfortunately a little resentment is forming.

 

I lost it the other day, complete and utter meltdown. But yesturday was a better day and today i feel much better again. I still miss her and want her back but at least now i have regained full control of my emotions. I am actually sane now. I am now just becoming aware of how I have been blame for the failure of our relationship. Now i am not feeling that way. We both stopped talking to one another, that was both our faults. I just created a situation to get out.

 

I agree with u on the 3 weeks. I figure if she doesn't call me within the next week, which allows her to finish her papers for school and a couple days of relaxation...then I am going to return her stuff while she's at work. I move the next day and decided that if she doesn't make any action to contact me that i would not carry the burden of this relationship to the new apartment. I figure it could be the turnover point.

 

I love her very much and miss her. But 4 weeks ago she told me she loved me and we were best friends. Now, we don't even talk. So I just don't know what to do with that anymore. I just don't feel like i matter anymore within her life. And if I can be forgotten so easily, did the last 2 years really matter to her?...Just a question I have to ask myself. If u truly love someone, u fight for them...and instead she just gave up sad really.

[crvers]

good call on the line too...in retrospect it is a bad use...only want the mail to push for the future...but also remind her of the good time of the past. Only thing is, 3 weeks from now...quite a long time.....if neither of us are talking then whats the point. Unfortunately as much as its a nice email...an additional 3 weeks bring the total separation time to 9 weeks. little over 2 months...I just don't know. It could be as long as she thinks i might think there is a chance she'll stay away...longer she stays away the less likely i'll even want to be friends with her....quite the predicament.

[Scout]

I figure if she doesn't call me within the next week, which allows her to finish her papers for school and a couple days of relaxation...then I am going to return her stuff while she's at work.

 

Don't do that. Don't do ANYTHING for three weeks. You have been acting on your emotions for a long time now, and it's created a huge mess. You do this, and I guarantee she'll view it as another example of your up and down, unpredictable behavior.

 

You're angry at her, and I hope you will get over that. She has a right to stick to her decision, and it sounds to me like she fought for your relationship for a long time. Now it's your turn. And if it means giving her space and time, then so be it.

 

DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THREE WEEKS. Trust me on this...ok? Keep the emotions in check. I can't predict you two will get back together, but I am almost certain if you do anything else at this point, you two will end up permanently not speaking to each other.

[crvers]

Alright alright...I won't do anything for 3 weeks. I just don't really want to take her stuff to the new apartment...it just sets up fer some things:

1) Makes her have to see me to get her stuff back.

2) Allows her to see the apartment, since i know i'd crack if she asked to come over

3) Make me want to break everything in the boxes...jking...

 

I just don't know anymore...the hope is fading from me. I'm not a bad person. I am just tired. So emotionally fatigued by all this. Its prevented me from doing my work, hanging out with my friend (since they're sick of me talking about her), and carrying on normally at home.

 

I have been sleeping at my parents for the past 2 weeks since i can't set foot in the apartment we shared without breaking down. Its just hard. I am beginning to believe she is done with all this and that all i am doing is wasting my time by trying to show her that i have changed for the better. I have changed. I know what i did wrong. I know where i messed up. I don't deny that. I just hoped she'd call.

[Scout]

Ok, cryvers, here's my honest take on what your girlfriend is experiencing, based on how I would feel.

 

If my live-in boyfriend had done what you did, and allowed me to move out, I would have been devastated. And eventually, pretty damn mad once I got over the horrible rejection. So, I would have been really happy to see you come crawling back, begging my forgiveness. AND...I would have been tempted to take you back, because I still loved you so.

 

But...another part of me, a healthy part that wanted to protect me from further pain...would have doubted your entreaties. I would have started to think, now that I'm gone, he wants me. That's not real love.

 

And I would really feel that way for some time to come. I would have doubted you had really changed. And two months wouldn't be long enough for me to see that.

 

But...I would still have appreciated the gestures you were making, although eventually, I would get weary of them because by then I would have really believed you hadn't truly grown up, because you were getting emotional and frantic.

 

And, I would think I had made a permanent decision to not get back with you.

 

But...if you let go, and every now and then I would see you out, if you were friendly and kind with me, but not hovering and confrontational, my guard would start to go down after time. Especially if after several times you behaved this way. And there was no other contact.

 

And one day...I'd start to think maybe you really had changed. Maybe you really did grow up, and you did realize you genuinely cared about me, and didn't just want me back when you couldn't have me. I would also respect the fact that you behaved consistently when I would see you out: kind, friendly, but accepting that you had screwed up and you were being the bigger man for that.

 

Not too long after...I might give you a call to see how you're doing. And maybe we'd go out for coffee, or for a hike...and the conversation would be warm and fun. And I'd see you really had changed, still cared for me, and was happy to be my friend. Our friendship would grow, and this time it would be more mature, more aware.

 

And who knows where that would lead? At this point, I can't say. But it sure would beat the alternative, which is where you're heading right now for being angry with her for not taking you back.

[crvers]

That was....very very good. And all in all, probably how it will play out.

 

I am not angry at her for not taking me back. I completely understand and respect why she wouldn't right now. I am not asking her to.

 

I am angry how she has completely shut me out. Cut me off. BUT the anger will eventually go away because i can't stay angry for very long at anybody, expecially her. I mean 2 days ago i was crying my eyes out for her. So, this is just the opposite side of the spectrum.

 

I am not as angry as i am writing. She feels betrayed, underappreciated, and unwanted. I was frightened of all this happening. I wanted to figure my stuff out and if possible come back more dedicated. Sometimes the hard choice and the right choice are the same thing. As it may feel wrong now, i thought i was making the better choice of letting her move out. I tried as hard as i could to make the transition easy...buying her paint to paint her room, getting her the boxes she asked for...helping her pack...all the while crying every night before/after she left...i really have officially cried over this fer 6 weeks.

 

For 2 weeks we talked everyday as if we were still together...but after the email...that was what did it. Really it was. Stupid part is I never gave it a second thought, I actually erased those emails probably 20 mins. afte she read them...so fate had a hand in it. The girl, haven't talked to since my ex found out about the email. I knew I had made a very grave error in judgement and realized that I really did want her back...i wanted her back the day she left.

 

But, the "I can't have u, so now i want u" bit flashed thru my head. I knew she would think that if i brought up getting back together too soon. But the emails did me in and I freaked. Now I am not condoning what she found. Since that was my fault. I am taking full blame of alot of the misgiving of what has transpired.

 

All I would like is the door to not be completely shut. Just take a step forward. Even if we have to start at the beginning again. I am willing to do that. I just know her. She's not a short term relationship girl, she doesn't date. She likes to get to know someone before anything happens. She saw something in me i didn't know. And as our relationship went, the reall me drew further away. I know who i am now, i know who i didn't like to be, i know what i did wrong. It just sucks, I guess....this is just me rambling....

[Scout]

You sound like you're reaching a calm, truly mature place in your heart. You're not quite out of the woods yet, but you're getting there.

 

Pray for self-control, wisdom, and acceptance. Let the Universe do it's work and let go, my friend. You have no idea how things could possibly unfold if you do so, and in the meantime, you will continue to grow in maturity and strength, and that's the key to resuming a friendship with her one day.

[crvers]

Thanks scout...u r actually pretty calming in all this. Yeah I am finally levelling off...i think the other day was the breaking point.

 

I still miss her extremely tho to her, holding her, hugging her, seeing her smile...just everything about her miss her is all.

[Scout]

I know. When we've played a critical part in bringing on a crappy situation, it's almost even harder to deal with.

 

But, it's also an opportunity to really do some hard self-examining...the kind of thinking that builds our character and ingrains some real maturity. It's terrible that for some of us, there is a price to pay that leads to that...but alternatively, if we never learn from our mistakes, we stay stuck in our selfishness and immaturity, and pretty much guarantee we'll never have a happy relationship again.

 

Seek wisdom and acceptance over the next several months. It will truly change your life, one way or another.

[crvers]

thanks

 

Thats exactly whats the problem. I created the situation I am in. LOL...so retarded. Anyways thanks again scout.

[Scout]

You're very welcome. I think everything is going to eventually be much better for you - with time and clarity. You're growing, cryvers. Sometimes, we really screw up, but we can recover if we admit our mistakes and grow from them.

 

Sadly, too many people never do this, and you can take a look around at some of the posts here and see the truly irreversible damage it does not just to one relationship, but their ability to be in a healthy relationship at all.

[crvers]

We'll just have to see where everything falls.

 

Its just unfortunate I had to learn my mistakes on such a sensational girl.

 

Its weird when u know that everything will be fine, u will eventually get better, and that u will meet new people...but when ur in that moment nothing else matters.

 

I thought that initially it was a knee jerk reaction to hearing it said that we're over and that i would be over it in less than a week and we'd just be friends. Except thats not what happened. My love grew stronger and my certainty of what i wanted became more clear each day. Its weird how when things start to go bad in a relationship and it takes someone (ie me) * * * *ing up completely to realize what really matters. That these are real people and u don't like urself for what has happened. I realized all of that after the fact. Maybe too late. And obviously I am paying for the actions.

 

I just hope one day she realizes how much I really do love her and how much I do really want to be with her...with no uncertainty of "us". Again only time will tell i guess

[crvers]

I guess the real question i have is:

 

How do I stop thinking about her. How do I stop thinking she's met someone. How do i stop thinking she's happy now. And how do i stop thinking that she's moved on from me. How do i stop these feelings of regret and anxiety when I think of her. My memories are always happy, but when i try and think of the bad ones I think about what I did wrong to cause them. So unfortunately its a vicious cycle of pain...arrrgggghhhh.

 

I am fine. But this is what goes thru my head...even tho i have control of my emotions, I still don't have control of the woman walking around inside my head.

[Scout]

You have to stay really busy, even if you literally have to force yourself out the door. This accomplishes two things:

 

1) You replace the constant thinking which holds up the healing process.

 

2) You drastically improve your life by getting a lot of stuff accomplished...whether it's your personal or professional life.

[crvers]

Work: I try my best to concentrate

Gym: Go there 4 times a week these days to make sure I am so bloody tired that i don't care. (Only problem is it wears out all restraints...emotional and physical

Friends: Half in school, other half work same as me...so everyones busy

Home: Again living at the 'rents...not very exciting there...been getting into just napping alot so the brain doesn't work

 

Someone I've known thru a friend asked if i wanted to get a drink, so i did a week ago...she was nice but looks exactly like my ex. We had a nice time but the moment i got into my car i thought about my ex. We're gonna do something tuesday...its completely casual...i don't think she's looking fer anything serious...and I am totally not ready fer anything...but the company is nice.

[crvers]

see now its great...i'm having an anxiety attack about this again.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[crvers]

Wow, its great this emotional roller coaster!

 

Doing fine all day and now...I have this uncontrollable urge to call her. And the tears keep coming...LOL...i'm so pathetic its not even funny.

 

Why....why does this have to do this...why does it have to hurt so much!!

[Scout]

So that you'll really, really take the lessons needing to be learned to heart. If everything was easy and we always got our way, we would be incredibly selfish and stupid.

 

Don't know how else to put it.

[Scout]

Think about it, if she got back with you two days later after the break up, you know you wouldn't be fully appreciating her still or realizing the magnitude of what you did. And then you might have broken up with her again, moved on to someone else, and eventually do the same thing to them.

 

Horrible thoughts, I know, but there is a reason my friend why we have to undergo the hard times.

[crvers]

no i know....its just really hard i hurt someone I loved....this whole thing just sucks

[crvers]

Welp, as the fool i am I do another pathetic and stupid thing.

 

Last night went out with the boys fer St. Patty's Day...got drunk and wanted to call the ex. Well of course my friends stop me...until we all go our separate ways. I sober up and feel like * * * *. So i drive by her place (stalker...oh yeah)...at 130 in the morning. Welp, usually she's home sleeping since she has to be at work by 8am the next morning. Well she isn't...i see the car gone and her lights on in her bedroom. So of course i fall apart. Drive by the mutual friends thinking she may be there...nope...thereforeeee because I am so smart and can take advice..I text her...again.

 

"I am so sorry. I hate myself fer putting u thru all this. I just want to make it work"....next msg..."Happy St. Patricks Day".....and an hour later "Pls message me back. Its me. I'm not trying to push u away"...

 

well of course she never called or messaged me back...so of course went home and went to sleep. This morning I woke up and decided that i am a total fool with no control. Decided to take her stuff back and officially just leave her alone. I don't know what she did last night, and ultimately she can do whatever she likes.

 

So this morning I dropped by the old apartment to pick up her stuff and some other things. Dropped by the parents and gave her mom the last of her things. I kept it short...smiled...said it was nice to see her and left.

 

This will make the official day 1 of NC for me...after all this she has shown nothing about wanting to talk to me and I am going out of my way to do everything wrong. Since I know she is now ignoring me completely, its time to forget any thoughts of getting back together...and start to work on myself and pulling the rest of my life together...focus on the good things that are happening...ie moving into the new apartment on next saturday.

 

To whomever is also going thru the same thing as myself, word of advice: Read this and do the complete opposite of what i am doing. Since pretty much I have done everything wrong and incidentally have caused more damage to whatever future relationship could be held or friendship that could've formed. Can't make a person love u if they don't want to anymore.

 

Personally, I feel like * * * *. But better than 3 days ago. Just wish things had turned out differently.