Running Into One another: Very Long but need advice

[jojean]

Just because you don't hear from her. Doesn't really have to mean that she's already forgotten you.

Like you told. She did love you very much before breakup. The whole situation hurted her very badly. That's why she's keeping herself strong by NC you. She also really needs her time to settle things in her mind.

[crvers]

I understand that she needs time. Time without me in her life to evaluate whether i was really worth it. LOL...I just look down on myself fer creating this horrible situation...lol....its even funnier that someone gives me some great advice and its ringing thru my head when i do another stupid move.

 

Day 2: NC....feeling a little tense...stupid mp3 player stopped working and is only 3.5 weeks old and now the program isn't working on my laptop...so also very frustrated at the moment....This is so very hard not to think about her.

[PocoDiablo]

Ah, yeah, the text messages were not so hot, in my opinion. Neither was the stalker drive-by since it just upset you.

 

Boy, that's going to be tough to recover from. Your advice to others was spot-on - do the exact opposite of what you did. The overly emotional and somewhat immature text messages probably came accross as desperate. At best they seemed to be very "therapy" like messages - you know, sad, depressing, etc.

 

I think you may have kind of nailed this one ... and not in a good way.

 

I'm going to suggest you stop and take a deep breath. Think about what you did. THink about how it came accross to her. Think about how you could have done better.

 

At the very least, you needed to be upbeat and friendly. Of course, you also needed to not text her in the middle of the night (if you did, I am not quite sure.) You have to give her something to *want* to come back to - you need to create some attraction. You need to be yourself - your friendly fun self. You know?

 

I think you already know what I think about this one ... I think at this point you're going to have to wait even longer before you can contact her, unless you can get yourself together and be a LOT more mature about it. Really, these so called "crying" messages aren't the way to make people like you.

 

Hm. You have any other details? Not that I think you can do much at this point ... I usually try to tell folks to lay off the alcohol if they're in the middle of something like this. You need to be at your best when you contact someone, not your worst.

[crvers]

Nope no other details...that about covers everything.

 

Really all I can do now is disappear and leave her alone. I don't know how she feels. I don't know what she's thinking. And I certainly don't know her anymore.

 

Oh and yes it was the middle of the night I texted her. But she was still out when I did.

 

Its over. I can't hold onto any of this anymore. I am now able to hide how I feel from the surrounding world...but its still hard first thing in the morning and at night. Still hard to concentrate at work (ie writing on this thing..lol)...I am just having constant panic attacks.

 

I deleted all photos, emails, etc from my computer at work with her. I deleted them from my laptop. I dropped her things off, and in a way feel better about doing that since now I am not gonna wonder if/when she'd call. Because that just wasn't helping. I deleted her phone number from my cell and am currently working on forgetting it. We really haven't talked in a week....I've txted at her which isn't good.

 

I just have to keep telling myself that its finished and she wants nothing more from me and that if i can make it a month...i'll go two...if i make it two...i'll go 4 and then indefinitely. I don't want to be her friend if it was this easy to erase me. When we first broke up I was there fer her. For 3 weeks we talked, laughed, and anytime she felt down i was there....then the emails...and poof...gone. I fall apart like she had and she won't even return a call. She doesn't want to deal with me but I was there fer her. lol....and it wasn't because I felt guilty...it was because I cared fer her but was confused. I helped her pack, buy her boxes...i know i've already stated this...I just feel like she abandoned me because it was better fer her...and i was there to help her. Oh and best part is she got to move out of the apartment no strings...now I am getting nailed with an 80 dollar cleaning bill and having to scrub it down before i can leave. And i've barely lived in the thing in nearly 3 weeks. LOL...I know i am venting but I am the total * * * * in this thing and I am still doing stuff fer her....when really she should come down and help me and pay me fer half the bill. BUT, i want her back so whats the point.

 

I never cheated and am being treated like a cheater.

[Scout]

I never cheated and am being treated like a cheater.

 

But weren't you flirting with someone else? Didn't your girlfriend find this out while she was living with you? Didn't you let her think it was best she moved out, even though she was clearly distraught at the idea of doing so? Didn't you emotionally withhold from her while you were together?

 

I don't like the direction I see you're heading in...thinking that she's the one to blame here for the situation you put yourself in. You admitted in the beginning you were the one primarily responsible for that. Now you're angry because she won't take you back. Now you're mad that she finally has gained some self-esteem and is focused on healing herself, rather than reverting back to sacrificing her needs so she could hold on to you.

 

If you permanently convince yourself she's selfish and the "bad guy," I predict you'll make the same mistakes in the future, whether it's with her if you get back together or with someone else.

[crvers]

okay okay okay.....phew sorry.

 

I know I am sounding jumpity in all this. Really Really Jumpity.

 

Let me calm down. Yeah I'm not convincing myself. And its just brief stints of anger....and yes she is doing everything to help herself in the end.

 

Yes I did flirt with someone on MSN...which is this stupid messengering program (if u don't know it, and which I have deleted everyone except my like 10 closest friend from....plus I am never on it anymore because it doesn't help me)...but i have stopped. Completely.....it was purely harmless...like really it was...i can't stress that enough...but within the context of the situation it was bad.

 

Phew...I am not angry at her fer not taking me back...really i'm not....I just feell......I just feel like I tried very hard to make sure we'd still be friends. I tried very hard to take the majority of the responsibility of our breakup (but wasn't entirely mine...I just created a catalyst to break up)...but i do still accept 75-80% blame...so i am still not saying no to that.

 

I just feel like I no longer know her. I feel like even after everything she'd still want to talk to me. I feel like I was always replaceable....I just don't know what i am doing anymore or what i should say

[Scout]

I just feel like I no longer know her. I feel like even after everything she'd still want to talk to me. I feel like I was always replaceable....I just don't know what i am doing anymore or what i should say

 

If you'll bear with me as I do a little armchair analysis here, my take on this feeling you're having is that there's some truth to it. Fact is, this is a new side of her you don't know...this resolve to put herself first and not give in to you.

 

Let's face it, you called the shots before in the relationship. Not having the power over her anymore is very alien to you.

 

It's not like she was deceiving you about who she really was. She's still the same girl, just with some new-found strength and, well, self-respect.

 

Anyway, you know that bottom line I do sympathize with your plight, or I would not have stayed on this thread so long, lol. But, I want to make sure you don't permanently get the wrong perspective on things, because that will not only destroy any chance of a future friendship with her (and I still think some hope remains there), but it will prevent you from truly learning the consequences of how you behaved in the relationship before and mess up your future relationships.

 

Ahem, one more thing...when you're in a committed relationship, flirting with others is rarely harmless.

[crvers]

thanks armchair talk...and yeah I am very surprised u have last this long...most people probably would have gotten tired and irritated since i wouldn't listen.

 

Relationship are alien to me!...I was great before I got into one. Was very good at just dating...minding my own..havig fun...never got into anything serious...this was the first...so the aftermath really doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me but is definitely opening my eyes.

 

And yeah, I got the flirting thing now that it opened to can of worms to the * * * * world i am in...lol...thanks again about all the advice...everything u have said rings true...what I need to do is start acting like a man and get some self control.

[Scout]

cyvers, you aren't the first person, and you certainly won't be the last, to find that you've mucked up something good in your life.

 

Case in point: when I was about 25 years old, I had a terrific boyfriend, in every sense. He was dependable, loving, funny, and frankly, gorgeous. The kind of guy I ALWAYS dreamed I would land, especially as a young teenager when I was awkward and shy.

 

So, when I did get this boyfriend, did I do everything in my power to hold on to him and make him feel he'd likewise landed the best girlfriend?

 

Nope. I majorly messed everything up. First of all, I was a completely irresponsible person back then, who preferred to party all night and sleep all day. I was doing absolutely nothing with my life, and even ended up having to move in with him and his parents because I'd been so irresponsible with my finances.

 

And he welcomed me with open arms! He even offered to pay for me to go back to college. Did I take this golden opportunity?

 

Again, nope. I still partied all night and slept all day. Of course, he eventually wised up that I wasn't an equally contributing partner, and needed to seriously grow up. And so he dumped me.

 

Let me tell you, it took me years to stop thinking about that guy. Oh, looking back I realized he wasn't perfect, but he put far more into the relationship than I did, and I certainly didn't blame him for ending it. However, it took being dumped by someone this great for me to learn that when we're behaving poorly in a relationship, eventually it will have consequences. Sometimes, as in my case, they're irreversible. We made one last attempt to get back together, but I still hadn't changed much and yes, he dumped me again. For good.

 

My point in all this is that I give you my advice and feedback based on personal experience. And today, I'm with someone who is truly wonderful, and you can bet I make it my personal objective to treat him just as wonderfully in return. So, there's hope. But if I hadn't learned from my past mistakes...I wouldn't have had this opportunity with another great guy.

[crvers]

Thank You fer sharing that story with me. Means alot.

 

I know I'll never be pulling any of the crap I did in this relationship ever again (at least I hope). I have reflected upon what has happened and realized the error of my ways. I have learned from this. Still the knowledge doesn't fully help the gut wrenching pain where my heart used to be lol...

 

I know she isn't perfect and we both had contributed to things...just like u I know she put more effort into the relationship than I did...or at least invested more of her heart in me than I did her.

 

Thru all this I have found out more about my best buds...they have divulged how they cried about certain girls and how they were torn apart by them....Never did tell me that after certain breakups....see more men usually keep things to themselves and put up a front...I've grown up in a household with 3 women who are open with their "feelings"...which case now so am I...and the only way I deal is by talking everyones ear off about it...lol...

[Scout]

Well...I don't have a magic cure-all for that gut-wrenching feeling, but I do think it will subside more quickly if you don't compound it by feeling she's betrayed you. Because that will start to breed some really scary emotions that don't go away for a loooooooooong time.

 

Plus, I honestly just don't think she did.

 

You'll heal...if you face everything with unflinching honesty, or at least make a consistent effort to do so. But it just is gonna take some time. Might as well resign yourself to that. It does help to stay busy as much as possible in the meantime.

[crvers]

Oh...and I know this is my perspective of the relationship. I don't know how she felt...When I went all pyscho those weeks ago...(and i can't believe 2 months has already gone by)...but I sent an email to her mom asking fer advice...outside of my ex including her statement in that mail...her mom wrote "Your lucky that your relationship lasted as long as it did, be happy and move on."...or something to that note. Lasted as long as it did?...makes me wonder when she wanted it over...I mean I have so many questions I would like some answers about. Like when she stopped loving me, if she really wasn;t happy fer months...for some reason my parents think she changed mid-summer...ps we almost took a break in august after getting back from a wedding in vegas...but thats another story. We were to take a break and instead i asked her to move in with me....together...we never really fixed our communication problem in the summer....things got better up till december...then communication started to flounder again. So much to talk about...I would just like answers

[crvers]

Would anyone else like to dive in on the complexities of my situation...Add comments, questions...or even stories or ur own which relates...everything is always helpful and everyone's opinions can help

[crvers]

Thru all of this started to listen to new music; guys name is Javier...pretty good jazzy sound...thing is he has a song that is key fer someone who doesn't know what to say anymore...just struck a chord with me and figured I share it.

 

Javier-Lovin' U...great song..check it out.

[crvers]

so here's the deal: because my ex and I shared the apartment we lived in we had to "share" house insurance. Now that i have the new place I needed to take her off and tranfer it. But it turned out I need to get her to sign a release form to take her off...ie see her.

 

Since this all had to happen quickly I called her cell and left a message and called her parents place and left a message for her to call asap since she worked till 8 last night. Well at 930 I am wondering why she hadn't called (note: since I have been getting better the last 6 days, i didn't want to see her anyways but had to to get this done), and decided to call back since I needed the signature fer today. Turned out she had gone over to our mutual friends place. I called the buddy's cell with no pick up...thereforeeee I went over there...and trust me I didn't want to.

 

So when I got there I stood at the door and requested for her to come to the door. When she rounded the corner she said "Whatre u doing now" in an exasperated voice. I told her my reason and she said oh. Walked off, signed it, and came back. When she did she said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that"...and I replied "Yes u did"...then she wouldn't give me the document back until I heard her apologize a couple more times and said it was okay...well after that we talked fer about 10 minutes about random stuff thats going on...her school, the old apartment and moving out, the new apartment etc etc...and thinking about it she didn't really divulge much...

 

BUT here's the ringer...as I told u I was an idiot last week on friday with the drive by and texting...I told her I was sorry and pretty drunk since it was Patty's day...she said she was asleep and i woke her up...so i said "oh, sorry I figured u had fone out..."...which she had since I saw her light on and the car gone...now I know its none of my business, but she blatently lied and I caught her for it....which only means 1 thing...she's seeing someone. Since if it was anything else she would have told me the truth.

 

Sope, this morning royally sucked...woke up at 5 am and cried...and then before I got into work here did the same thing before walking in....I feel like I took so many steps back. Like last night was something I really didn't need. The way she acted off the start was her true feelings and the way she acted after signing was her just being "nice" to me. And I have no hardcore evidence that she's seeing someone, but the gut tells me she is...which is causing heart gut-wrenching pains. I was okay, u know. The last week I was okay and then this is thrown into the mix. I mean, I did okay talking to her..kept it together and funny. BUT, I knew it wasn't going to help me. I knew I was worse off seeing her right now then not. In her eyes its over, I know that. And I know she doesn't owe me anything. But the "universe/fate" just had to throw in some more fun...oh yeah..I let go and they just had to do it again...

[crvers]

I honestly never want to go through this experience ever again in my life .....blahhhhh

[crvers]

Alright, so here's a new twist. Yesturday was an interesting day.

 

I went to the apartment my ex and I shared to clean it so I could give the keys in to the building manager. I never wanted to see that place again...too depressing. Well as I was leaving work to go do this guess who calls. I never expected the phone call and gave up any possiblility of hearing from her for a very long time. So my phone rings I half looked at the number and answered. I didn't realize it was her fer a couple moments, and actually didn't have a clue who i was talking to in the start.

 

We talked for about 20 minutes. Just stuff, my moving and the apartment again, her school. It was pleasant. The end kinda dwindled off which case we both said at the same time "Well, I should probably let u go"...(ps. I hate that term, so "I want to get off the phone, but don't know how to say it.") Turned out she ran into my best friend at school 5 minutes before calling me. He told me he just said he was heading to class and that was about it. And then she called me.

 

The thing is: Why?...I don't understand, before she couldn't stand to even see me, last thursday when I saw her her intial reaction threw me off, and nothing else has triggered her to even remotely contact me in a month. I just don't understand.

 

She said that she told her best friend (who I kept talking to about her) to stop telling her when she talked to me since it just upset her...so does that mean she doesn care anymore. Cause she knows I still want her back, I just haven;t bothered to go outta my way to contact her in the last couple weeks. (Plus, who the hell knows whether she'll even bother to call again???)

 

I am just confused. Not emotionally screwed up about it since I am finally ok with the situation, but still want to work things out. I just know its in her court. I am not gonna call her, I'll leave that to her if she's interested in talking since I am sure I burnt her out. Again, just don't understand...Its just weird walking on eggshells when I talked to her.

[jojean]

Just try to understand that she needs time to trust you again. She loved you very much and in some kind of way you betrayed her trust with this flirting thing.

When someone breaks your trust it needs a lot of thinking how to trust that person again. And the only thing I can say is, that you're doing good right now. Being the ok guy and 'moving on'. Like you said, she already knows that you want the two of you works out. Now just let her takes this slowly.

[crvers]

So I am sitting here working and my ex comes online and starts to talk to me. Turns out one of our friends knocked some girl up and she is having the baby...he's gonna be a father. So she came on to tell me. I would've rather not known. I have no idea what the heck is going on!!! 3 weeks ago she would have never gone outta her way to tell me. So confused .... 2 times in 3 days....at the end when she said she had to go eat i offered lunch (which was stupid and wish i had never offered), but she paused. took her a minute to reply...everything else came quickly...but the lunch she stopped...then said "no its ok, i'm making soup"...what the heck is going on!!!????? I know i am over analyzing but I don't have a clue.

[PocoDiablo]

She's trying to remain in control of the relationship by making you friends with her - essentially (unconsciously) trying to soften the blow and take control at the same time.

 

I'd recommend you stop talking to her ... it's causing you confusion because you think she wants you back - or at least you are hoping so. It won't happen, at least not anytime soon. Next time she calls, let your voice mail get it. If you see her, you can be polite, but be busy - too busy to talk to her. You need time to open your eyes to the rest of the world and get out on your own, with your friends, etc.

[crvers]

Today is a bad day.

 

Anyone who is following all this, its weird how the ups and downs work. Some moments ur okay and others ur ready to collapse and fall apart. This is one of those moments that my heart doesn't want to stop hurting.

 

I saw her on Saturday while shopping for some clothes. She called out my name and we sorta talked. When i see her I am okay, but then fall apart after. I have no idea how she feels about all this. She acts like we're fine and talks like I am up to date with everything. I don't understand. She over me or just putting up a front. It just confuses and hurts me when I see/talk to her. 4 times in a little over a week. I can't do it. I just can't. LOL. I am the one who screwed up...she fine and I'm not. Go Figure. Any advice fer someone falling apart right now?

[Scout]

She's not over you. She would be avoiding you if she didn't want to have anything to do with you. Remember my post where I gave you an idea of how things would transpire over time? It honestly looks like that's happening!

 

Hang in there crvers, ok? I know it's a hard day. When I'm in pain, I do a lot of praying. Because there is nothing God won't give you if it's His will and He knows it's the best for you.

 

It's going to be ok, give it some time. I know that's easier said than done, but I see major progress here.

[crvers]

Like I've said, Ur my guide!...Just with the recent contact things just seem a bit harder

 

How I ran into her: I was in the store she worked at and she called my name out and came over and talked. She stayed about 3ft away, but acted like I knew everthing that was going on. Everytime a customer needed help I made sure I wandered off. I didn't want her thinking I was there to just see her. Stupidily tho, I walked over to the counter before trying some things on and said "Yeah, U look great" where she replied "U always get a funny look on ur face when u say things like that"...then I asked how so..and then it got awkard. It ended with her asking if i was trying these on, I said yeah..then she said sounds like a plan where I replied "yep"...then went and tried the things on. When I bought them we talked about what she/I was up to that day. Then she said "Cheer up, buttercup"..since I might have been wearing a slightly serious look on my face....(because of the other awkward moment)...I then purchase my items and said "Well, have a good one" and then left without looking back. So who knows what she thinks now...blah...I think thats why today is being so hard.

[Scout]

I think you behaved just fine! And her comment was a tender one. Look, give it some time. Just wait and see how things turn out. I honestly think the best course of action is to sometimes just let go and let the Universe take over.

 

She's actually talking to you again, and quite candidly, way sooner than I thought she would, lol.

 

Now, I know you want so badly to make things work NOW. That's completely normal to feel that way. But as you know, when you tried to grab the reigns of control before and get her talking to you ASAP, it all backfired horribly. And you were miserable afterwards.

 

Just take it day by day. Pray for guidance, strength, and a little bit of forgiveness: forgiving YOURSELF for starters.

 

It's going to be ok! Rome wasn't built in a day, you know!!

[crvers]

So as of course I'm an idiot. I texted the ex last night and asked what she was up to...and she texted back a couple times. Eventually she requested I call, and so I did. We then talked fer about a half hour. The conversation had its ups and downs...downs being I say something stupid and she became irritable, ups meaning we're having a decent convo.

 

It was weird because she was at a barbeque that our mutual friends were having and of course I wasn't invited. I of course then said "Hmm, used to get invited to those"...and she replied irriatably "Not anymore"...hurt just a bit. I set myself up fer the rude comments. 3/4 of the conversation was nice, and even when we hit silent moments she would start the conversation back up. She is sick, on her period, back problems and gained weight...she isn't too fond of her looks right now and keeps telling me how * * * *ty things r. Then whenever I brought up helping she would say no I'm fine...?????....She was taking the bus home and I offered a couple times to pick her up and drop her off at home (wish I never had) since she just said no, so I said why not, she said just because she doesn't want me to...so of course I ask why...becuase I don't!...i just don't get it. Of course at the end of the conversation she tells me she has to call her mom to pick he up at the bottom of her hill to her house and asks me if thats okay. Then she said "don't worry i'll call u, I called u last week"...it just made it feel like a chore. so again I do the stupid "Don't u miss me" where she says back Yes, exasperated.

 

Screwed up again Scout