Running Into One another: Very Long but need advice

[Scout]

Ok, so you had a little setback.

 

As long as you don't have another, I think we can keep things on track here. Just remember, you do care about her and yourself, so you don't want either of you to be subjected to problematic conversations again, lol.

 

Cryvers...we got to really get a hold of that patience, ok? It's the key here.

[crvers]

Yeah I know, lol...u keep calling me Cryvers....Cry-Vers....I know I suck at patience. I am trying. My sister shook he head at me and said I was too "available"....I feel awful because her weight gain is probably in part by me and the stress I put on her, and of course her stupid friend who only eats junkfood!!!! I had to help her kick the bad habit when we first started to date..which she did until the last couple months....One of my good friends said I keep need to not bring up "us"...which is true.

 

I just don't get it, she can talk about how * * * *ty everything is and I have to make myself look like the rock...

[Scout]

oops, sorry about the name misspelling...just a typo on my part, nothing Freudian, lol!

 

You can't say you suck at patience. You're immediately trying to talk yourself into thinking you can't do it when you say that. But yes, YOU CAN. You've already demonstrated that in the last few weeks, and except for this slip up, you're doing fine.

 

Stay at it. I don't want you to subject yourself to anymore pain, ok? You need all the strength and positivity you can muster right now. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

"I texted the ex last night and asked what she was up to..."

 

I would not text your ex GF anymore. I would focus on your life from now on and let her be. I know it is hard because you ran into her this past weekend and some old feelings may have been stirred up but it is best to leave her alone.

 

""Hmm, used to get invited to those"...and she replied irriatably "Not anymore"...hurt just a bit."

 

This IMO, is why one should not keep in contact with an ex. Much more un-needed pain comes along with it plus it gives the other person to take jabs such as the one she gave you. Don't give her the opportunity to do so...NC all the way from now on.

 

"she is sick, on her period, back problems and gained weight...she isn't too fond of her looks right now and keeps telling me how * * * *ty things r. Then whenever I brought up helping she would say no I'm fine...????"

 

Sometimes girls like to complain during this time of the month. They do not necessarily need a solution...just want to talk and vent. All girls feel like this at some point but they usually get over it. Plus, she may want you to feel sorry for her. Don't.

 

"...offered a couple times to pick her up and drop her off at home (wish I never had) since she just said no, so I said why not, she said just because she doesn't want me to...so of course I ask why...becuase I don't!.."

 

This kind of thing will push her away even more. I would just try to leave her be. I would not try to get in her good graces anymore because I feel that is what you are trying to do. It is not working...she may even be onto you in that sense.

 

I know this is hard because you care about her. But you also have to care for yourself. I would focus on you and what you want. Learn from your mistakes and grow from this experience. You will be fine...take it one day at a time.

[crvers]

Yeah I know. Some moments are worse than others. But I am moving along. Getting the gym more. I find working out and listening to music my only sanity at the moment since all u concentrate on is the rythym and ur breathing. And things are better...harder after talking to her...but better. She's talking to me, which is a start. I asked her why she called the other week and she said she was just curious about my move and how the apartment was. So i guess thats a good sign.

 

I know she isn't seeing anyone. Her friend had a baby and she didn't tell me his name. So when she kept saying her friend and another name I didn't understand and asked who it was. Then I joked about boys (again, bad call...blah) and asked about the Ryan guy jokingly (ie the other guy I freaked about)...she said he was fine in almost a menacingly tone...bad call to mention guys since it makes me still come accross jealous. i know where I went wrong in the convo...sucks since the last couple times i hadn't talked about us or how much i miss her or about anything to do really with anything.

[Scout]

Kellbell's advice is right on. It may not be easy to read, but if you don't follow these suggestions, I can almost guarantee pain much worse than you're experiencing right now.

 

One day at a time. Don't contact the ex. Keep the focus on yourself.

[kellbell]

"She's talking to me, which is a start. I asked her why she called the other week and she said she was just curious about my move and how the apartment was. So i guess thats a good sign."

 

Ok...I can totally relate to your sense of relief here, for some odd reason, we always worry what our ex's think of us. BUT it should not matter. What matters is what you think of yourself. I know, easier said than done but it takes some practice telling yourself these things.

 

"I know she isn't seeing anyone. Her friend had a baby and she didn't tell me his name. So when she kept saying her friend and another name I didn't understand and asked who it was. Then I joked about boys..."

 

Few things here...you are still wrapped up in her life and worrying about what she is doing. I would worry about your life and what you want from now on. And two, this stuff is kind of silly. I would not worry about her friends and what her friend's baby's name is. Again, worry about getting your life on track and moving on. Hang in there...things will get easier.

[crvers]

I am taking as good care of myself. I am trying to move along with my life as good as i can. I am trying. I am going out with friends. I am going to the gym. I am staying as active as I possibly can and focusing on work and my life.

 

There are moments where I am fine, lifes going on. Then there are the other moments, the ones u care fer noone to know. These are the wrecking ball.

 

I don't like to reflect on the past but thats whats there. Everyone glorifies their ex once the relationship is over, telling urself that if only one more chance I can prove that we can live our lives together. I don't (though I did when I became an emotional wreck). I have thought rationally. I have thought without emotion. I have grown as a person and as a man. I realize my faults and I realize my strengths. I am a good man with a good heart who just lost his way. I am fine, but not fine. I live, but don't truly feel like I am.

 

I love her, I just do and I can't just shut that off (even as much as I try). I read a thread about the difference between getting over someone and moving on. I am moving on, continuing my life without her right now. But that does not mean I have stopped being in love with her. It just isn't possible right now.

 

False hope. Worst thing ever, but also hard to purge from the system. No Contact. Hard thing to do. I lack patience and am working on that. Things will move forward, who knows what lies ahead. The choices I make now may destroy whatever will happen between us or may make her think. The only person who knows is her. But I can't depend on that and thats why I continue on.

 

lol. Life is not absolute, anyone who thinks that is a fool. Today a person thinks one way, the following they may not.

[Scout]

I completely empathize with everything you just said. There is truth in all of it. I also see you're realizing that we simply don't have control over everything and must just let some things run their course and work out however they work out.

 

That's real progress from where you were not too long ago.

[crvers]

I know everyone has their opinions on everything. I just don't like being told NC from now on. Stop talking to her. If u read the past posts u can see sorta my ups and downs over the past month. Whats working, whats not. Somtimes I am just venting others are to actually update on the current situation. I know I owe it to some on here to see where things go. In some ways this could help someone in the same situation realize the do's and don'ts of what u should do. That if u don't get back together that there may be hope, and if we do get back together that it can happen.

 

Ur right Scout, I can't get a handle on this because there is no handle. The only thing i can do is get control of myself. And thats what I am trying to do. Thru every wrong expression that I form, I learn from that mistake. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I just want to give up. Other I feel fantastic and know that I am someone who is contributing to the world and that i do matter.

[crvers]

I just have these moments where I want to cry about all this. lol...see like a flip of the switch I can go right downhill...lol I just have to keep telling myself she's never coming back. That I hurt her too much. lol. As much as I try to forgive myself, the guilt remains.

 

Yeah and I know, my sob story is probably gettting a bit tiring now to some.

[Scout]

Ur right Scout, I can't get a handle on this because there is no handle.

 

Only at this point, crvers. Only at this point. As things develop, you will have an opportunity to make some choices on your actions, and thereforeeee, you will have a handle again. Just ride it out until then, friend.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's a great quote from someone on my site that should make you think...

 

 

Need I say anything more?

 

You need to move on. Even though this post was about something different, as you can tell, it's still VERY true for your situation.

 

Otherwise you know what'll I'll say. ... What were you doing in her store? Why were you throwing yourself at her? Why did you text her? You're chasing her away every time you come charging back. And until you stop smashing your head into the wall, your head is going to hurt. Turn around and see the other side of your situation.

[crvers]

Poco, like the quoted reply. Yeah everything there seems to make alot of sense. After writing on here for the majority of the day yesturday I went home and started to think (again) about this whole situation. (And I definitely think I am overthinking everything lately).

 

Something my ex told me impacted me alot the other day, I just didn't realize it till last night. She had told me about a bbq that our mutual friends had and that I wasn't invited to. U know the whole group, excluding me, was there. One of the people who was there came online (ie msn) yesturday and I kinda got angry at them. She had gone to the bbq with her b/f and never told me. Of course I found out thru my ex that she had. I apologized quickly since it wasn't her fault. The point I am trying to get at is, I am the one who was ousted from the group. I am the one everyone turned their back on. They chose their side and it hurts. It really hurt when i realized that. So last night I had to think to myself, things really really have changed and theyre never going to be the same. They are never going to go back to the way it was. So as I posted earlier, I give up. LOL. I just give up. Its time to let this fish go and forget it.

 

I keep having the words "Don't worry, I'll call. I called last week" go thru my head. Whats does that mean. I mean really mean. That comment makes me feel like such a pathetic person. That she actually thinks that I am waiting beside the phone for her call. I am kinda laughing at myself since I really have been. I really have and I cant help but not laugh at myself. LOL.

 

I have never really had a confidence problem. People think I have alot of confidence since I am able to create a conversation so easily with strangers. My mutual friends thought I had changed because they had never seen this emotional side of me before. They had never seen me, and i mean never, lose control of my emotions the way i did. They had always seen me as a strong, slightly cocky guy who never really worried about anything. lol, and then this all happened.

 

Today is a beautiful day. Summer is on the verge of happening and with that comes new romances. Maybe its time I start giving that a chance and live my life. Who knows what fate has in store. Just have to see what happens I guess.

[Momene]

When I split from my first wife, I had issues with people inviting my ex out and me being excluded. I found that moving away and losing touch was inevitable.

 

Can you move somewhere else?

[crvers]

LOL. No that ain't gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I've just never gone thru losing friends over something like this. I'm torn up but not enough to move.

 

My friends and I might be planning a trip to Mexico, that may be enough to just get outta her fer a week.

[Momene]

LOL. No that ain't gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I've just never gone thru losing friends over something like this. I'm torn up but not enough to move.

 

My friends and I might be planning a trip to Mexico, that may be enough to just get outta her fer a week.

The trip will do you a lot of good!

[crvers]

Yeah I hope so. I think just getting outta the city with friends and havig a great time will be good. Have u been following my long and hectic story? see u on here all the time just never had ya post?

[Süsser Tod]

I'm amazed by your refusal to acknowledge what you did, and how you made her feel.

 

Basically you cheated on her, even made her move out because you were considering things with other girl. I think no one is calling you a cheater because of the MSN conversation, but for your little friend for whom you had feelings.

 

If I were friends with you both, I would have taken her side, without thinking about it twice.

 

 

I say, leave the poor girl alone.

 

And most important of all, you're failing to learn anything from this experience, and that my friend, will doom you to failure. Learn to accept your mistakes, if you live in denial, you'll be living a lie.

[crvers]

Ummm, I don't know how much u read of all this, but I am not in denial. I think I have repeatedly stated i have accepted what I have done wrong. It may hurt that they took sides, but i understand why. I hope u didn't just read my first post and then the last thinking I haven't accepted anything over the last month of postings.

[Süsser Tod]

I went through the entire thread, and I can see you saying you did wrong, but not truly understanding/accepting it. If you did, you would easily see why they took sides, and why they chose her.

[crvers]

Well unfortunately I am not the best writer, but I have accepted everything that has happened. I may not have gotten that accross but I have. I am accepting it everyday that she's not here. I've deleted anyone who isn't my best friend on msn, i've stopped flirting with other people, I havent talked to the other girl since feb12. U think I am a fool, so do I. She has all the reason to not talk to me. I am surprised she is. I just don't really know what to say

[Scout]

I went through the entire thread' date=' and I can see you saying you did wrong, but not truly understanding/accepting it. If you did, you would easily see why they took sides, and why they chose her.[/quote']

 

crvers, no one more than me sees how much you're suffering over this, but I gotta say...as hard as it is to read Susser's words here, there's plain truth there. And once you fully accept your actions - and most importantly, really understand those actions were bound to have many regrettable consequences - only then can you really get on the road to forgiving yourself and becoming a person who would do anything not to hurt someone else.

 

Sometimes, we have to look in the mirror and realize, "I always thought I was a good person. I just made a horrible mistake that has damaged that image. I am going to try with all my heart never to make that mistake again, whether its with the person and people I harmed, or someone I meet in the future."

 

I speak from very personal experience on this, trust me. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but the results of letting go of that grudging anger...and the desire to justify at least some of your actions...will truly change your Karma back to good and improve your life, and yourself, mightily.

 

You can do this. Let go of the anger. Admit you made a terrible mistake and that folks were bound to have a certain take on it. That will really set the wheels in motion for forgiveness. Forgiveness on their part, and forgiving yourself.

[crvers]

I'm not angry at them about choosing and can easily see why they chose. I was just caught off guard. I mean these are things I have never experienced before now. I hated myself when all this started. Like really hated myself. Before this forum I barely left my apartment and could barely concentrate on work because all I could do was think about all the rotten things I had done to create this.

 

I know I hurt her more then I could ever imagine. I hold no animosity to any of them. I just didn't realize how badly I screwed up.

 

Its just really hard to put into words how I feel right now. I hope u Scout, of everyone can see that I am changing because of this. I have changed because of this. I never want to do this again. I never want to do anything like this to anyone ever again. I don't hate myself anymore. I am not angry at myself anymore. I am accepting what has happened. I am accepting that shes probably not coming back. But it still doesn't make my heart stop hurting because of these realizations.

 

I'm not the same guy who started typing on this site a month and a bit ago

[PocoDiablo]

Heck, I moved from Colorado to VIRGINIA when I split with my ex. Any further and I'd be living in Atlantis.