Running Into One another: Very Long but need advice

[crvers]

So for the backstory: My girlfriend had been together for 2.25 years and lived together for 6 months. We had also been friends for 1.5 years before our relationship. We had been having problems since the beginning of January. I had pulled away because I was confused about how I felt about her. Also to throw into the mix I was attracted to another girl who had always been a question in my mind during my relationship.

 

As I pulled away I made my girlfriend become more depressed about us. Finally when I was ready to talk about it she found an msn history with me flirting with another girl. It may not have been so bad if we were doing better and that I was showing her I cared. I told her I was unsure about us and that I just needed time.

 

A week later she sat me down and talked about how she had been depressed about everything lately and that maybe she should move home. I didn't stop her. I wish I had now but I didn't, I thought it only fair that I figure my stuff out and maybe if I was lucky I could come back to her a better man.

 

So 5 days later she moved home. For the next 2 weeks we'd talk everyday about stuff and say goodnight to one another. Meanwhile the girl I thought I had feelings for had started to contact me. And we hung out as friends a couple times. I realized quickly that I had made a mistake and that I wanted my girlfriend back. And this wasn't because i realized that i didn't feel anything fer the other girl but that i couldn't stop thinking about my ex and how i was a fool. But how do u tell someone who loves u that u want them back after letting them leave.

 

I decided that maybe I should wait that she still loved me and I could ask her when it didn't look like I was scared and lonely. When I stopped talking to the other girl she sent me a heartfelt email about how she felt over the years. (we had been friends throughout my

relationship). I replied saying that I was unsure about my feeling about everything and told her I might want to get back with my ex…but we could hang out and see. Well my ex read my email. She read both the girls email and my reply. We went for dinner the next night and she gave me a kiss and I began to cry. I wanted to tell her so much I loved her and wanted her back but held back.

 

After she got out of the car everything changed. She stopped calling me and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I talked to her best friend and she told me it was over and to move on. I became angry and told my ex I wanted the keys to the apartment she had been holding onto back. She started to cry and asked me why I was mad. I just said it was time. But it turns out she thought I was angry because a guy who had a thing for her for the last number of

years had been hanging out with her and her friends. She said nothing is going on and I believe her, but it just feels like he's replacing me, just filling the gap in the group.

 

I became an emotional idiot since I became jealous and scared that I would never get her back. I began emailing, texting, and calling her. It was a very bad move. I showed up outside her home and waited for her to get the keys and give her some remaining i tems. I cried and begged her to give me another chance. She said that she couldn't trust me, she didn't feel we had a future and we wouldn't work out, and to move on. I went home in tears. I continued to pursue her for 2 more days, until she hung up on me. I knew that I should stop and came out of my emotional tyrant.

 

I am no longer allowed to talk to her because she is fed up with me. This all happen in the last week. I love her, I miss her and want her back. (this has already been posted)

 

The Continuation: So the other night i had to pick some things up from a mutual friends of ours. I knew she was gonna be there and decided i didn't care. When i went in we talked fer a few minutes quietly. She seemed upset to see me...but not angry just sad. (see my last posting "repost....for more advice and a turn...") I told her i missed her and she said she did too. I told her i missed talking to her and she said she did too. we then looked one another in the eyes fer ahwile...i made a joke about how i acted the other week and apologized and she laughed. I asked her if i could call her and she said to leave it to her. And before that i asked if i could stay fer awhile and she shook her head no...seemed like she couldnt say the words. I told her i loved her, got up, and left....

 

I know i have to wait...but does it seem like she really does miss me, when i sat beside her she didn't really react like i was a virus or anything...she just seemed sad and all i wanted to do was hold her. I want her back and this whole thing is killing me the NC. I hate relationship games!

[Mrocza]

You hate relationship games?

 

YOU started the game.

 

You were with this girl and you let your devotion and effort dwindle while you were talking to another girl on the side. When she confessed her depression and stated she wanted to move out, you condoned and within weeks proceeded to date the other girl.

 

Now, when you realize the other girl isn't all that, you selfishly want her back?

 

Of course she doesn't trust you; Of course she's sad.

 

You tossed her aside, had to check your feelings for her with another girl, and expect her to welcome you with open arms?

 

Frankly, I'm giving the girl a standing ovation for her reaction throughall all of this. She's being remarkably strong for someone so underappreciated.

 

There's really nothing much you can do. You've apologized, you've begged, pleaded, cried. I'm pretty sure you can stoop lower into a more pathetic version of yourself, but that might just please her and still not get her to flinch.

 

She said she'd call you. You have to leave it at that. You really can't expect much when you threw it down the drain yourself. Give her the time and space she deserves...and think about what you deserve- and what you don't.

[crvers]

Ummm, yah thanks. I do know i screwed up. I do know i don't deserve her. I do know that she is being strong. I do know that if she takes me back i'm lucky. I'm on here fer advice, not fer u to vent ur anger.

 

People come on here fer advice, not to get kicked in the ribs when they're down.

[Bingo72]

I agree with fairie, you broke a bond when you started thinking about the other girl. Once that's done, and if you're girlfriend knows all about it, then it truly is too late. I don't think she'll ever see you the same again. She is probably in a weak state right now and would even try to work things out if you asked her again but in the long run she'll start to resent you and then you have to ask yourself if you want her back if she looks at you differently now.

[crvers]

I am not condoning my actions. They were very foolish and I know that i gave up something that could have been amazing if i had let my ego go. I have no right to expect her to come back. And am now just getting to the point of I'd rather have her friendship if it meant she would be in my life again. She was/is my best friend. I don't know what i was thinking. BUT, if i was given the chance, i would do everything i could to rebuild our trust. I would work very very hard to make her happy. I hope ur able to hear the sincerity in my words.

[Mrocza]

I'm not venting my anger.

 

I'm being honest.

 

You came here for opinions and advice, not for someone to sugarcoat and justify your situation.

[Mrocza]

I am not condoning my actions. They were very foolish and I know that i gave up something that could have been amazing if i had let my ego go. I have no right to expect her to come back. And am now just getting to the point of I'd rather have her friendship if it meant she would be in my life again. She was/is my best friend. I don't know what i was thinking. BUT, if i was given the chance, i would do everything i could to rebuild our trust. I would work very very hard to make her happy. I hope ur able to hear the sincerity in my words.

 

You knew what you were thinking and doing.

 

Only it didn't go out as planned. It backfired on you and now you regret it.

 

You obviously want her back and that's normal. I mean, if I made that big of a mistake and truley regretted it, I would want to make ammends and turn back time too. But you can't. That's the thing with actions, they have consequences. You didn't think of them before getting involved with this other girl. You didn't think it would jeopardize your relationship with your girlfriend (um, pretty much common sense)

 

The point is, no matter how much you may want her back, she's probably not going to take you back. And even if she does, it will never be the same because you betrayed her trust.

[crvers]

I honestly hate myself right now over all of this. She was the most important woman in my life and i let her go fer a stupid infactuation.

 

lol. i'm such a fool and i aint trying to make u feel sorry for me i already do that enough. Haven;t u ever made a mistake u wish u could take back? I never cheated, but the betrayal feels just as bad.

[Mrocza]

Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

You didn't have good judgment. It happens. We all make mistakes and we all want to kick ourselves. Sometimes our mistakes are irrelevant, other times life altering.

 

You know you messed up and you could've prevented it, but we sometimes can't see the obvious when we're used to something that's been around for so long.

 

I think you should just respect her wishes. Let her know you've truley changed by showing her. Give her a direct apology and then leave her to make up her mind.

[PocoDiablo]

I'll give you some advice, I'll point out what you did wrong first though because you NEED to learn what drove her away: Your bad behavior.

 

We had been having problems since the beginning of January. I had pulled away because I was confused about how I felt about her. Also to throw into the mix I was attracted to another girl who had always been a question in my mind during my relationship.

Number one wrong move right here. You pulled away AND at the same time you decdicated your time and energy to another woman. You should have dedicated that time and energy into your GF, self improvement, and maintaining your relationship. By pulling away and spending any time thinking about this other woman, your GF realized that this could happen at any time. You proved to her your were not loyal, which - in my book - is a terminal offense. I'd dump you over that. Loyalty and trust are very important, don't take it lightly from now on, okay?

 

As I pulled away I made my girlfriend become more depressed about us. Finally when I was ready to talk about it she found an msn history with me flirting with another girl.

Critial flaw here. Now she thinks you are a cheater. At this point you're pretty much doomed. But the real question I have is ... WHY? Why didn't you flirt with your GF? Sure, maybe she was tired, busy, at school, not responsive, whatever. Those are all excuses. You should have spent more time and effort maintaining your relationship with her by flirting, joking, being together, going out to new venues, keeping things fresh and fun. Instead you sat home and did something that you *probably* would not have done in front of your GF. Would you have done that in front of her? If not, then - in my opinion - you were cheating. I consider cheating to be anything you would not do in front of your SO.

 

It may not have been so bad if we were doing better and that I was showing her I cared. I told her I was unsure about us and that I just needed time.

So, yeah, why'd you do that? You should have told her that it meant nothing, deleted AIM from your computer, and swore never to do it again or you'd paint her house or something equally punishing for YOU. You needed to admit your mistake, but instead you pushed her further away. That's a shame, and I bet it both hurt and upset her. I mean, you were talking to another woman AND you told her to go away. Actions speak louder than words ...

 

A week later she sat me down and talked about how she had been depressed about everything lately and that maybe she should move home. I didn't stop her. I wish I had now but I didn't, I thought it only fair that I figure my stuff out and maybe if I was lucky I could come back to her a better man.

In my opinion, she was asking you to fight for her - to ask her to stay - to reconsider - for you to get your act together and be the man she wanted. Instead, you kicked her to the curb. Again, you missed the message - the meaning - behind the conversation. You have to think bigger picture in times like this.

 

So 5 days later she moved home. For the next 2 weeks we'd talk everyday about stuff and say goodnight to one another. Meanwhile the girl I thought I had feelings for had started to contact me. And we hung out as friends a couple times. I realized quickly that I had made a mistake and that I wanted my girlfriend back. And this wasn't because i realized that i didn't feel anything fer the other girl but that i couldn't stop thinking about my ex and how i was a fool. But how do u tell someone who loves u that u want them back after letting them leave.

You drive to their house and TELL them "Hey, you know what? I'm a complete idiot. I don't know what I was thinking. I care about you a great deal and was completely blind for some reason. I've thought about it and really think we should work this out and fix it. If anything, it will prove how strong we are and how we are meant for each other." Then hash it out. Tell her the truth. Realize you need to shape up, be a bigger man from now on, be honest, have integrity and loyalty and be straightforward with her. No more pathetic "I need time" lines unless you want her to dump you for real.

 

I decided that maybe I should wait that she still loved me and I could ask her when it didn't look like I was scared and lonely. When I stopped talking to the other girl she sent me a heartfelt email about how she felt over the years. (we had been friends throughout my

relationship). I replied saying that I was unsure about my feeling about everything and told her I might want to get back with my ex…but we could hang out and see. Well my ex read my email.

Um ... how come she can read your emails? And AIM? You should not have been doing anything with this other woman, and you should have ended it for sure, but then to let your GF read what you were saying? Well... you got what you deserved. She found your secret. Hard to deny that, isn't it?

 

She read both the girls email and my reply. We went for dinner the next night and she gave me a kiss and I began to cry. I wanted to tell her so much I loved her and wanted her back but held back.

Good move to be strong. But did you talk about it?

 

After she got out of the car everything changed. She stopped calling me

I guess not. You should have talked to her.

 

and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I talked to her best friend and she told me it was over and to move on.

You should not have gone behind her back and talked to her best friend. Her best friend probably hates you for hurting your GF, so she "tainted" what she told you. It could have been a lie, and it was probably not the 100% truth anyway. But it was a move based on weakness and insecurity, which worked against you. Next time, be HONEST and UP FRONT! Talk to your GF about it. In person, not on the phone or email, etc.

 

I became angry

Bad move. You also need to learn to control your emotions - especially anger. I don't know how angry you were, but if you really got angry, then it shows a lack of self-control which basically means you are too immature. Women expect their guy to be mature, calm, cool, collected, and a gentleman.

 

and told my ex I wanted the keys to the apartment she had been holding onto back. She started to cry and asked me why I was mad. I just said it was time. But it turns out she thought I was angry because a guy who had a thing for her for the last number of

years had been hanging out with her and her friends. She said nothing is going on and I believe her, but it just feels like he's replacing me, just filling the gap in the group.

Now you're not even dealing with the issues. You had a mistunderstanding with her, but you tore right through it. That's really too bad - you should have talked to her about it. I am seeing an inability to effectively communicate here, and it seems to be causing you a lot of problems. Look, things go wrong - they always do - and you HAVE to learn how to deal with them in a mature way. You can't act out of rage or jealousy. You have to be mature, think about things for a while, not blame people, come up with solutions that work. Just asking for your keys back sends the signal that it's over. And that was not what you wanted, so why'd you do it? Do you get it? Your actions did not match your desires, and in fact they were backwards - based on anger. That's really too bad, I think you could have worked to save this still.

 

I became an emotional idiot since I became jealous and scared that I would never get her back. I began emailing, texting, and calling her. It was a very bad move.

Yeah, as soon as you did this you PROVED to her that you have no self control, and - worse - you became a stalker! Wow, what a way to scare a woman off. You went from whoever you were when you met (probably friendly, flirty, joking, fun to be with) and changed into a lunatic stalker who scared the bejesus out of her. Why, WHY would you want to do that? It's NOT who you are - it was anger that got out of control (again, lack of self-control) and made you act like an idiot.

 

I showed up outside her home and waited for her to get the keys and give her some remaining i tems. I cried and begged her to give me another chance.

And now you acted like a little baby, even more emotional and childlike. Again, this is NOT who you are. Yes, you were upset, but again - SELF-CONTROL. This is the word of the day for you, in my opinion. You've got to get a grip on your actions. Crying and begging is SO ugly. No one wants to be around someone like that. If you had backed down, said "Hey, you know what? I feel like I've been smoking crack. I don't know what came over me. I was a fool. I'd like to make it up to you and prove to you that this was temporary insanity. Let's go out tomorrow night - on me - to a nice little place and we can just sit and have a drink and get back to normal. I promise, I won't make a scene. After we get it all figured out, we can take it from there." Don't offer a big dinner. Don't buy flowers. If anything, a CARD with a heartfelt and KIND message in it would be the most.

 

She said that she couldn't trust me, she didn't feel we had a future and we wouldn't work out, and to move on. I went home in tears. I continued to pursue her for 2 more days, until she hung up on me. I knew that I should stop and came out of my emotional tyrant.

 

I am no longer allowed to talk to her because she is fed up with me. This all happen in the last week. I love her, I miss her and want her back. (this has already been posted)

Yeah, but acting like a big baby isn't helping your case. What about flirting? Asking her on a date? Hello, you KNOW this - it's how you met her! You have to MAINTAIN things to make them work.

 

The Continuation: So the other night i had to pick some things up from a mutual friends of ours. I knew she was gonna be there and decided i didn't care. When i went in we talked fer a few minutes quietly. She seemed upset to see me...but not angry just sad. (see my last posting "repost....for more advice and a turn...") I told her i missed her and she said she did too. I told her i missed talking to her and she said she did too. we then looked one another in the eyes fer ahwile...i made a joke about how i acted the other week and apologized and she laughed.

THAT was a GOOD move. THAT is what you need to do. PROVE to her you're sane!

 

I asked her if i could call her and she said to leave it to her.

Bad move, you kissed up to her. You should not have asked, you should have just worked on lightening up, dealing with the issues, and not acted so clingy.

 

And before that i asked if i could stay fer awhile and she shook her head no...

Again, being CLINGY. Give her the gift of missing you. Give her a little SPACE so she can breath. Stop smothering her!

 

seemed like she couldnt say the words. I told her i loved her, got up, and left....

To me that seems like saying "I love you" while seemingly kind is really manipulative at this point. You should have just said something funny, made her laugh ... tell her you love her with everything BUT words. Actions speak louder than words. If you really love her, then SHOW her with actions. Not presents. With smiles, laughs, good times.

 

I know i have to wait...but does it seem like she really does miss me, when i sat beside her she didn't really react like i was a virus or anything...she just seemed sad and all i wanted to do was hold her. I want her back and this whole thing is killing me the NC. I hate relationship games!

This is not so much of a game as an opportunity for you to learn from these MANY, MANY mistakes you have made all in a row. You MUST learn from these mistakes (and fast!) if you want another chance with her.

 

You need to start behaving like an adult, not the punk- * * * 12 year old you are now. (Sorry, nothing personal, but you've really got me shaking my head over here.) Realistically, everyone goes through this - it's a learning process and we've all been there. I learned this the hard way as well. Oh man, I did almost everything you did here, but top it off with an 11-page letter I sent that was just horrible. Man, talk about a lack of self control!

 

So what do you need to do? Simple. Think about a gentleman. You need to start becoming a mature adult, a gentleman, a husband-quality guy. What does that mean to me? Well, to me that means you need to have a few traits, mostly SELF-CONTROL! Here they are:

 

There are three (major) Male Traits the female responds to positively. You must have them, if the female is to fall, and stay in love with you. They are Confidence: made up of Self Confidence and Self Esteem; Control: made up of Discipline, Patience and Self Control; and Challenge

 

Let's think about this. Well, you don't have any confidence. You chase after her and beg, cry, like a baby trying to manipulate her (at least this is probably how it feels to her) into getting back with you. If you displayed confidence (fake it!!!!!) then you would be displaying to her "Yeah, I mess up, but I am human. We can deal with this, and I have other traits that make me desirable. I don't have to beg to get you, because you know I am an okay guy. I just had a bad week because I screwed up [and you won't do that again, will you?]"

 

You don't have control - no discipline, otherwise you would not have "cheated" on her (essentially) and would not have felt guilty when you got caught, you don't have patience since you call her like crazy and are acting desperate, and you sure as heck don't have any self control since you are going from angry to sad to crying, etc. You've got to get control of your emotions and brain here!

 

You also are not a challenge. A challenge is simply being a flirt, being a cool guy, and NOT being boring, scary, or predictable. Begging is scary. Calling ten times a day is predictable. Ignoring her is boring. You've got to become the flirt, the mature and confident guy you were! You have to WIN her over, not WHINE her over.

 

You need a ROLE MODEL.

 

Since we all know you're single right now you've got NO EXCUSES. I want you to get away from the computer and out of the house. Go rent a Cary Grant movie. Check this guy's web site for some suggestions (and notice how he's clever and funny... perfect!)

 

link removed

 

Heck you can even watch some on your computer:

 

link removed

 

Now watch what he does. He maintains his composure, he's flirty, funny, he knows what he wants, and he acts like an adult.

 

That, in my opinion, is what you need to do here. Stop acting like a little boy and like a mature guy she would WANT to be with.

 

Now, is all this true for you? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. This is just my take on it. Hopefully SOMETHING will strike true and help you learn from your mistakes. In my opinion, you can do a lot better in how you are treating her, and everything that is going wrong stems from youe behavior.

 

If you really like her, PROVE IT. Deal with the problems, SHOW her you love her with everything but words, and get it right.

 

Good luck.

[Mrocza]

Poco Diablo...so thorough. Glad you've strayed away from the "James Bond Manly Man" Role model

[kellbell]

"Haven't u ever made a mistake u wish u could take back?"

 

Of course, we all have made mistakes but we have to pay the consquences for them. And just because we accept we made a mistake and admit it, does not mean everything will go back the way it was before or that you will be forgiven. That is a risk you take by making mistakes and furthermore, admitting them.

 

Learn from your mistakes and move on. I am with Faire16 on this one, you don't deserve her. Leave her be, let her move on and heal and I suggest you do the same. Peace.

[PocoDiablo]

Now that all these posts came in while I was typing I will address this, too, since it's got some issues.

I am not condoning my actions. They were very foolish and I know that i gave up something that could have been amazing if i had let my ego go.

I don't see how ego plays in here in any way, other than attention from two women (which is always trouble, IMO! )

 

I have no right to expect her to come back. And am now just getting to the point of I'd rather have her friendship if it meant she would be in my life again.

At this point, I would not recommend it because it will show her you are grovelling to be with her, and it proves to her that you lack confidence.

 

She was/is my best friend. I don't know what i was thinking. BUT, if i was given the chance, i would do everything i could to rebuild our trust. I would work very very hard to make her happy. I hope ur able to hear the sincerity in my words.

I can tell you are sincere, now you have to PROVE it to her WITHOUT WORDS that you are working on it. Don't kiss up to her, don't buy her presents, don't shine her shoes or anything stupid like that. Flirt with her. Joke with her. Have a good time with her. Create the relationship again. If you grovel, beg, plead, or otherwise try to MANIPULATE her into liking you it will fail.

 

You've got to start learning that what you are doing now is backwards and wrong.

 

Remember, if you are doing something wrong, doing it with more effort will NOT make it better, it will make it WORSE. This is like drilling a hole in a boat. Drilling a BIGGER hole will make the boat sink faster. Knock it off! Patch that thing up.

 

Get some help if you need it. People here are generally very good at giving advice, and there are many other dating advice sites out there as well. Search around, or hit my site and there is a list there. It's a lot of info, though, so you may just want to focus on the issue at hand for now.

 

If I knew you better I would tell you "Stand up straight! Look her in the eyes! Be sincere! Be kind! Be yourself! Work it out! Then go flirt!" and I'd smack you in the back of the head and push you out the door to go talk to her.

[PocoDiablo]

Poco Diablo...so thorough. Glad you've strayed away from the "James Bond Manly Man" Role model

Heh, thanks.

 

Yeah, after you busted my kneecaps last time I decided to try to be a little more clear on what I meant!

[PocoDiablo]

Oh yeah, check link #6 in my signature too, probably applies to you right now (the original starter of this topic.)

[crvers]

Currently been going to the gym every other day. A friend of mine has been great fer distraction since we've been hanging out almost everyday. I am getting back to normal but miss her extremely.

 

I haven't called her in 2 weeks. And am going to respect that she will eventually call when she is ready. I just bought an apartment with my sister (since it was the only way to afford a place where i was living) and am moving in there in a couple weeks. I am trying to move forward and act like a man about this. I have gotten a handle on my emotions and am not reacting as i did.

 

But how do u not call. How do u not think she's gotten over u. How do u not think she's with another guy right now (which i am sure she thinks i am with another girl right now except i have no way to clear that up). I am no longer talking to her best friend since i get the feeling she is making me come accross as a complete stalker, emotionally pathetic guy (which in essense was true 2 weeks ago).

 

I know if its meant to be, she'll come back. I am ready to sacrifice everything to regain what has been lost. But i know sitting on my * * * * and waiting won't help. Just 2 things flash thru my head 1) If communication started, we could keep things light as friends and i could show her the man she met at the beginning (who is back now...honestly i really was a piece of * * * * deserving all this) ...and 2) Could i handle seeing her with another man, after all this if i did hold on and the next time i talk to her she tells me she's seeing someone...i would prbably fall back to square one....alright ready fer more comments

 

oh and poco, very inspiring u r. And yes I felt the slap...any other advice?

 

AND when i saw her last week, i did joke as much as possible to keep things as light as possible in the group atmosphere we were in....my friend said i did a good job keeping it together even tho i was vibrating like a madman when i left. I showed her i was okay by smiling alot, but not too much.

[PocoDiablo]

Currently been going to the gym every other day. A friend of mine has been great fer distraction since we've been hanging out almost everyday. I am getting back to normal but miss her extremely.

Well, that's the right idea. Keep doing all that.

 

I haven't called her in 2 weeks. And am going to respect that she will eventually call when she is ready.

Good move. The word that I liked the most was "respect." Yes, you do need to respect her decision. Of course, at some point you do need to talk to her again and try to make it work. Normally folks around here will recommend no contact, and to move on. Now you really have to make the decision on whether or not you think you can pull yourself together enough to make this work. You've clearly calmed down, are thinking straight, and you may want to give it one more chance. You have to be mature about it and, perhaps, call her once and leave her a VERY short message like "Hey, it's me. Call me back." Nothing more. If she does call, again keep the call short but tell her that you've been thinking things over, got some advice/help, and realized a lot of your mistakes. You'd like to meet with her to talk about it for a few minutes and see where to go from there." Let her know that it will be a short meeting - like 5-10 minutes at the most - so she knows you are not going to bore her to death. And make a joke about it if you can, like "I promise not to turn into a psychoanalyst!" Something that fits your sense of humor, obviously. And maybe even mention that afterwards you'll promise to respect her decision no matter what, but you'd like to talk to her in person.

 

Then meet, keep your word, say your peace, and then let the cards lay - so to speak. Don't be too serious, but don't be too joking either - be right in the middle. Calm, to the point, and keep your mind open. Yes, you screwed up. Yes, you freaked out. Yes, you will be better in the future. Yes, your friends all slapped you around. Yes, you got a clue. Yes, you trader your brain in for a newer model, not the refurbished one you've been carrying around since you were 8 years old.

 

I just bought an apartment with my sister (since it was the only way to afford a place where i was living) and am moving in there in a couple weeks. I am trying to move forward and act like a man about this. I have gotten a handle on my emotions and am not reacting as i did.

Good. Seems like night and day here from your first post, but I did not know two weeks had passed. This is what you need to do - keep moving.

 

But how do u not call.

You MUST not call unless you have a reason - a dang good reason - and you have to understand that after your last spate of calls now she is afraid of you calling. If you do call, you have to keep it short and emotions in check. 2-3 minutes MAX.

 

How do u not think she's gotten over u.

You don't. She's got every right to move on, and there is nothing you can do about that now. Sorry, nothing I can say to that.

 

How do u not think she's with another guy right now

You don't. Again, she's got every right to move on, and you have to respect that if she does - and in fact you have to CONGRATULATE her if she does, and wish her the best of luck. You have to be a gentleman and be kind about everything.

 

which i am sure she thinks i am with another girl right now except i have no way to clear that up.

Well, yeah ... that's hard to say. I can't tell you what she is thinking, and you can't either. You can only tell her, and only tell her once, and if she chooses to believe you great - if not, so be it. You have to respect that. Just don't act desperate or pathetic.

 

I am no longer talking to her best friend since i get the feeling she is making me come accross as a complete stalker, emotionally pathetic guy (which in essense was true 2 weeks ago).

Good move. Yeah, talking to friends is almost always a bad move.

 

I know if its meant to be, she'll come back.

Yes.

 

I am ready to sacrifice everything to regain what has been lost.

NO! This is the problem RIGHT HERE. You CANNOT think like that. It's ugly and scary, and that is what led you down this path to begin with. This shows a *complete* lack of self-confidence. If you don't place value on yourself, your feelings, your needs, your time, your effort, she will SEE it (this statement you made is scary!) and she will drop you so fast your head will spin ten times. YOU HAVE TO BE A HUMAN BEING, not some slave that does anything she wants. You have to act like a potential husband, potential father, potential EQUAL partner. If you're a kiss up, a child in essense, she will not respect you. She'll run even farther and harder away.

 

If you tell her you'd do anything for her, you'll blow it. Stop being so desperate. Flirt with her. Make HER *want* to be with you. Doing "anything" for her is VERY manipulative, and that's dishonest in ways that are hard for me to explain. It's like you are trying to trick her into coming back. As long as you think like that, you're going to have problems. Be yourself, be an adult, be honest. No tricks. No games.

 

But i know sitting on my * * * * and waiting won't help. Just 2 things flash thru my head 1) If communication started, we could keep things light as friends and i could show her the man she met at the beginning (who is back now...honestly i really was a piece of * * * * deserving all this)

If you lie to her and tell her you want to be friends, and then try to make more out of it (which is obviously what you want) she'll see right through it, and it will be ANOTHER proof that you are dishonest with her. You've GOT to stop trying to trick her into being with you. You HAVE to be up front. Honest. Straight forward. Tell her with no uncertanty "I obviously want what we had. I'm not going to lie about it. If we hang out, I will expect more. Sure, I'll give it time and move slow, but I don't want to just be friends." And, of course, you do have to understand that you violated her trust time and time again, and that is a major issue that may have sealed your fate. If that is the case, then nothing you do will mend your relationship.

 

...and 2) Could i handle seeing her with another man, after all this if i did hold on and the next time i talk to her she tells me she's seeing someone...i would prbably fall back to square one....

You may as well start assuming she is with another man. If that is the case, then it's up to you to PROVE to her that you are the better man. Say nothing negative about it, and in fact congratulate her. Let it go. Then show her the man you used to be, the flirt, the fun guy, whatever it was that brought you together. Move VERY slowly. Don't push anything quickly. Don't try to touch, hug, or kiss her (or more) unless it's *obviously* clear she is into it (which she won't be at this point - not a chance.)

 

I think you're on thin ice (if not already broken through) so I suspect this is going to be more of a learning experience for you.

 

alright ready fer more comments

 

oh and poco, very inspiring u r. And yes I felt the slap...any other advice?

 

AND when i saw her last week, i did joke as much as possible to keep things as light as possible in the group atmosphere we were in....my friend said i did a good job keeping it together even tho i was vibrating like a madman when i left. I showed her i was okay by smiling alot, but not too much.

Sounds good. Keep yourself in check. Bounce your feelings off a trusted MALE friend, and go from there.

[crvers]

Yeah. Everything u say is understandable.

 

But if she says "Leave the calling to me" then the only choice i have is to allow her to call since calling would go against what she said. Also she's in school right now and i get the feeling she partially doesn't want to deal with "us" because it distracts her from her school work.

 

I don't want to make her do anything she doesnt want to do. I would never expect her to. Everyone says to let her cool off and let her come to u. She's a very strong woman, strongest i know. I would never want to "trick" her into a relationship because whats the point, if we get back together like that then ultimately it will end because it'll be based on lies and feelings of guilt. If she came back, i would want to be able to talk about our problems and work to the solutions together. I know i have some grovelling to do if that happens and will have to show her how i feel through all my actions and how i treat her.

 

She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't believe how badly i screwed this up. I smile when i think about her and how she pushed me over the years. She really did make me a better man and i took her fer granted.

 

The last couple of weeks has made me grown as an individual, shown me that u can't do anything u want without consequences. She taught me the worst lesson anyone ever needs to go through and I can't thank her enough for that. I just wish i could show her what i learned about being a good man and showing her how much she "really" does mean to me. I made a mistake and i would love to fix it.

 

I will love her always, even if she never comes back. BUT, if i am never able to have her I really do still want her apart of my life.

 

Its snowing right now and i want to call her and ask how much she has as her home...but i know i shouldn't call and i know i should wait for her to. Any advice...send a text "Hey, It's Snowing!..."...since she loves the snow.

 

Advice?...and ur almost like a counsellor

[crvers]

Any other advice anyone can give?

[Lady Bugg]

Poco has covered a multitude of things here, but I basically agree with everything the other posters have said. The fact is...your ex may NOT take you back, and you need to start dealing with that reality. Start living as if she were NEVER coming back. Maintaining false hope simply stumps your progress.

 

I feel for you though, I really do. I have regretted treating someone poorly...though it was not cheating, it was still something I wished I could take back, and sadly I just had to deal with the repurcussions. A hard lesson learned.

 

My advice is to use the next few months to truly work on yourself..and focus on self improvement. Forget her for now .Take care of YOu because at the end of the day....YOu are the only person you CAN control.

 

I wish you the best.

[crvers]

I'm just dying herer....I sooooooo want to call her....i hate not being able to call her!!!!!...this sucks

[crvers]

Another day without contact. PHEW!...this is hard. I know i don't deserve her as everyone has said and I realize there's maybe a 2% chance i her ever coming back. BUT is it so hard to believe that I do want her back. The reason I let her go was never fer another girl, it was the fact that I HAD feelings for one. I just needed to sort some things out in my head to understand what the hell i was doing. I wasn't cheating...tho the flirtation makes it seem so. The worst thing we did was lose communication about our relationship and me being a fcuk head. . But is it so hard to believe that i have grown in the last couple weeks, become more asertive of what i want, and know that regardless of age that when u find someone of substance, love and appreciation u hold onto them. I know i screwed everything up with the reactions that i did and the pressure i had put on her. I know I still had a chance of her coming back 3 weeks ago and totally (possibly) destroyed that chance. I accept any comments of blame since many were caused by my inability to talk to her. I just hope that i can talk to her about this when she's ready and see if we can fix and continue on from here...hopefully building a stronger relationship than before and allowing me to show her what i learned. Until then, I just have to move forward and see what the future holds right?

 

Its definitely interesting how when ur in a relationship u can be so confident and the minute ur alone ur become insecure...

[PocoDiablo]

Got your PM, thanks for the kind words. Here's some more info as I see it. I'll get to your other post in a second, too.

 

Yeah. Everything u say is understandable.

 

But if she says "Leave the calling to me" then the only choice i have is to allow her to call since calling would go against what she said. Also she's in school right now and i get the feeling she partially doesn't want to deal with "us" because it distracts her from her school work.

That's not your only choice. The other choice you have is to go out, as mentioned, and live your life. Don't sit around waiting for her to call, because that is unattractive to her. Women, in my opinion, want a healthy and strong man who can be independent. You need to go breathe some fresh air, talk to some new people, get some practice flirting, learn some new jokes, whatever, so you have social confidence when you do talk to her again. Get back in the mood, you know?

 

I don't want to make her do anything she doesnt want to do. I would never expect her to. Everyone says to let her cool off and let her come to u. She's a very strong woman, strongest i know. I would never want to "trick" her into a relationship because whats the point, if we get back together like that then ultimately it will end because it'll be based on lies and feelings of guilt. If she came back, i would want to be able to talk about our problems and work to the solutions together. I know i have some grovelling to do if that happens and will have to show her how i feel through all my actions and how i treat her.

Do some talking, until you can lay it to rest. Point out that you realize talking therapy all the time isn't the best idea, either, though so you won't be crying every week. Give her time, give her space, and only when you can honestly realize you are NOT obsessing about her then MAYBE you want to call her and say Hi, ask her out with some friends, take it slow and just hang out to start with. Promise a good time, but don't drive her around (trap her) or force her into anything that you would not do for a guy friend. No touching, hugging, etc. Just have a good time. Once you get there.

 

I think you have to wait some, and then you do have to call her ONCE you are better about yourself, once you are over her a little, enough that you can think clearly.

 

The last couple of weeks has made me grown as an individual, shown me that u can't do anything u want without consequences. She taught me the worst lesson anyone ever needs to go through and I can't thank her enough for that. I just wish i could show her what i learned about being a good man and showing her how much she "really" does mean to me. I made a mistake and i would love to fix it.

Some mistakes are not meant to be fixed, just learned. It's like sinking a boat. Whatever you did wrong, you won't do it again, but that boat is gone.

 

I will love her always, even if she never comes back. BUT, if i am never able to have her I really do still want her apart of my life.

 

Its snowing right now and i want to call her and ask how much she has as her home...but i know i shouldn't call and i know i should wait for her to. Any advice...send a text "Hey, It's Snowing!..."...since she loves the snow.

 

Advice?...and ur almost like a counsellor

No text messages. Remember, IF and WHEN you do make contact, it's got to be in person. Face your mistake in person, don't hide behind technology.

[PocoDiablo]

Another day without contact. PHEW!...this is hard. I know i don't deserve her as everyone has said

I have to admit, I really don't agree with the thought process behind *anyone* telling you that you don't deserve her. It's punative and I think those comments were made in the heat of the moment and most folks would take them back if they realized how you've grown. I, personally, do not subscribe to that "you don't deserve" something BS.

 

I realize there's maybe a 2% chance i her ever coming back. BUT is it so hard to believe that I do want her back. The reason I let her go was never fer another girl, it was the fact that I HAD feelings for one. I just needed to sort some things out in my head to understand what the hell i was doing. I wasn't cheating...tho the flirtation makes it seem so. The worst thing we did was lose communication about our relationship and me being a fcuk head. . But is it so hard to believe that i have grown in the last couple weeks, become more asertive of what i want, and know that regardless of age that when u find someone of substance, love and appreciation u hold onto them. I know i screwed everything up with the reactions that i did and the pressure i had put on her. I know I still had a chance of her coming back 3 weeks ago and totally (possibly) destroyed that chance. I accept any comments of blame

Blame is irrelevant in my opinion. Those who seek blame ignore the truth, the lesson, the light of what really happened. You seem to have accepted the mistakes you have learned, and in that regards blame is a useless and immature concept - almost trivial in my opinion.

 

since many were caused by my inability to talk to her. I just hope that i can talk to her about this when she's ready and see if we can fix and continue on from here...hopefully building a stronger relationship than before and allowing me to show her what i learned. Until then, I just have to move forward and see what the future holds right?

Yes, keep moving. At some point, as I mentioned, you should make contact with her and go out on a simple date. Flirt, joke, be yourself, and try to keep it relatively light hearted. Sure, explain you were an idiot and you deserve a gold medal for first place a**, but don't go overboard with emotion.

 

Its definitely interesting how when ur in a relationship u can be so confident and the minute ur alone ur become insecure...

Insecurity to me is a signal that you are missing an important life lesson. Face your fears head on and tackle them, and you'll overcome them.

[crvers]

renewing life of an old post....and possibly more comments and advice