benevolent Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Luck... okay...who want to start placing bets ;-) Link to comment
Beec Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 okay...who want to start placing bets ;-) If someone quotes odds or creates a pool, I may want in on the action. Link to comment
kate111 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Hi Dan, You obsessive little monster you (i mean that in a good way 8) )! First things first. No matter how comfortable you feel with this girl. You do NOT know her. What you feel are sparks and you really do not know how things will work out in the future. Time will tell whether you are truly compatible. I think you worry too much about strategising and planning how to "hook" this girl. I agree that you can certainly MAXIMISE your chances by putting your best face forward. In my opinion you can do this by: Listening to her Keeping some distance Being kind Not being sleazy Not being too intense or controlling being open minded limiting your time to once a week for not more than 3 hours being yourself Taking your time with things Respecting her Cetainly you can HOPE that things work out. This is exciting for sure and of course you are going to hope and dream for the best between you guys. But you have to ACCEPT that there are certain things that you cannot have control over. You cannot MAKE her like you. You do not have total control over whether she will like you. You do not know if you guys belong together or not. This is not up to you. Please keep this in mind. My advice is to be yourself. Hang out with her and yes, by all means, take her to the zoo. Treat her as a friend or "mate" and romance her but do not try to possess her. Enjoy her for what she is. Don't worry so much about things working out. Enjoy the here and now and if it doesn't work out then accept that it wasn't meant to be and that you tried your best. You must be yourself because you want to have a true meeting of the souls not just games between you. You want her to love you for who you are. If she can't love the true you then move on and have faith that someone else out there will. Good luck. Link to comment
tman Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Another bashing from the TMAN...... So, I just solidified plans with another girl I've been working for a couple of weeks now. I'm seeing that one tomorrow night! I was such in a good mood from having spoken to this other girl, that it gave me the confidence to call up the one from tonight and ask her if she wants me to bring some Vodka and Orange Juice in addition to the beer. Dude I almost choked on my KFC when I read this. I don't get you sometimes Dan. When you did not have the first girl where you wanted her u freaked out and obsessed. Now that things are going well and under control you go after another women. Writing things like that will not do you any favours with the girls here. Think of it this way round how would you feel if a girl that was after you, after finally getting you gained confidence from it and went after another guy??? hmmmm Do you think you have a control issue? Are you actually after relationships or prizes to show yourself that you can win against women. I think the ex/s and your past is having a serious effect on your outlook on life. Sorry to put a downer on things but I just thought I should point this out again for your benefit. I am not saying it is totally wrong but does it not show you how you blow some things out of proportion and focus too much on one thing when you could actually relax and are in a position many would be envious of. i dunno, maybe I am wrong.... Link to comment
kate111 Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 Im confused! Which girl is the one you like Dan? Or do you like them both? I Link to comment
Beec Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 He likes both, which should help him exercise some restraint. But . . . . Link to comment
kate111 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Nothing wrong with dating two people whilst you are uncommitted. You must disclose this to the girls if they ask or it becomes an issue though. When you work out which one you truly get on with then you can commit. All the more reason to take things slow. You don't want to hurt either of them by misleading them or by sleeping with them and then rejecting them. That would be selfish and mean. Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 I think we all should batton down the hatches for what will surely be another storm of the century. Should make landfall by about..........Saturday night? Sunday? Salt Link to comment
Bounder Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 You guys are amazing and supportive and relatively unjudgemental, though I like the humour....indeed this whole site is a godsend! Link to comment
benevolent Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 While there isn't anything wrong with casually dating someone, there is something wrong if you are unable to handle the perks and stresses of a relationship. His behavior and actions from earlier in the week speak volumes as to where is at emotionally and mentally. I think if there is anyone who will get hurt from all of this it's him. Dude I almost choked on my KFC when I read this. I don't get you sometimes Dan. When you did not have the first girl where you wanted her u freaked out and obsessed. Now that things are going well and under control you go after another women. To me it's like a switch going off or even a Jeckyl and Hyde routine (or is that Heckle and Jeckle ;-)) Suddenly all the confidence is back and everything is fine - even better now that there are 2 women in the picture now!?!?! It's odd because all of the questioning of what move to make, what to say, when to take action, etc... - this sudden loss of what to do just doesn't jive with the type of person who has confidence and is fully healed. But then again, we've seen this episode repeat itself numerous times already. I think we all should batton down the hatches for what will surely be another storm of the century. Should make landfall by about..........Saturday night? Sunday? What does Chinese beer taste like anyway? Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Hi guys, Okay, so it's 4:15am and I just got in from my evening over at her place. Well, how can I describe it??? Hmmm, intense I guess. Okay for the first 4-5 hours I was very aloof and calm and very funny, or at least she thought so. She seemed to be kind of in herself and I asked her questions about her childhood and she then seemed to warm up to me more when I showed her that I fully understood what she had been through, which lead her to want to bridge that physical gap and cuddle up to me, which prior to, she had beeb very physically detached.... Anyways, at one point, she received a call from one of her admirers and at that point I blew it off...So, when we began to cuddle on the couch, she mentioned that we can either a. both go to our separate beds, or b. lie down on the matress for a while. It was around 1:00am at that point and SO, we cuddled and I exhibited EXTREME restraint, by not making a single move on her, which she even made mention, how I have mastered the art of lying next to a woman and not give into urges I may have. Anyways, we started the nuzzling on each others necks and THEN, I went into kissing her on the mouth and she TURNED AWAY!! SOOOO, of course, I became insecure, seeing I was being rejected and so, I wasn't sure how to act, or know what to think. She pulled back, while I lay there on my back. I was confused, as to what to think. I asked her why she pulled away and even asked her if she wasn't physically into it. She said she was, but wanted to take things slow and didn't want to kiss me. I was insulted, but tried to rationalize this. I asked her stupidly, why then lie down with me and do what we just did?? She then said that maybe she shouldn't have done that. I said no, I don't regret it and was just curious as to how she was feeling. She said she was conflicted and on one hand, she feels chemistry and a connection and on the other hand she doesn't and wants to see how things go down the line. Then she tells me that she would like to be with someone she is fully compatible with and then contradicts herself by saying that she can also see herself being completely alone too.... So, I didn't know what to think. I asked her point blank if she wants to discover more of each other and she said yes and didn't rule out it being more, but if there will be more, it will be down the line and if I want to have someone who is ready for a relationship, then I can go out and find one.... She seemed confused, yet at the same time seemed to know what she wanted/wants and I couldn't help but feel that part of her wants me, while another part of her doesn't and she is in conflict and meanwhile, I am here scratching my head in disbelief and her up in the air type demeanor.. I mean a kiss is a kiss. To her that's taking it to another level???? She wants it to first be really deep before she considers the physcial aspect and quite honestly, the more and longer she holds out and being rejected like I did, makes me feel uncomfortable and honestly like I am wasting my time.... Anyways, unfortunately the first few hours were spent having fun and drinking and talking/laughing/and cuddling and then it ended in this drawn out conversation about where she is at and where she would like to be and I still don't know if or how I fit into all of this, even though she attempted to explain it to me several times. Maybe I am not hearing her?? Anyways, she seemed to be annoyed by me I think. I became to serious towards the end. I mean only after she pulled back??? It threw me off and if there is/was a connection, it feels like she wanted to sever it, or according to her, wanted to build it even further, but if not, then why cuddle and if so, then why not be natural and allow the kiss to come in?? As it stands, her father is coming in from out of town today and will be staying with her for 10 FULL days, upon which time we will not be seeing each other... I want to bridge that gap and not by rushing things, but by being myself and being natural and yes, trying to give her a simple kiss on the mouth, but her not being into that, well, it just leaves me feeling cold...She also mentioned how she feels that she has it in her to be nurturing to me, but not sure if she can feel taken care of with me. I don't know if she wants to allow herself to be. She is so independent, yet at the same time, certain things bring her closer. There is a fickleness in her personality that trows me for a loop and just when I think I am doing well, I get the cold shoulder in a sense. Help!!!!! Link to comment
Beec Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 At 1:00 a.m., I would have said goodnight and gone to my own bed. Link to comment
gradle Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 dan i'm glad to hear that things went well for a while...but, if any guy got upset at me for not wanting anything more physically than i was ready for, i'd be out of there in a heartbeat. relax dan, things were going well, when it's going well, keep going the same way, that's what she likes... she might sound confused, but i think you're confused even more. give her time, and yourself. these 10 days will be good for you, hopefully it will make you relax and pull back a little bit. she won't be out with other guys probably, and she'll just be focusing on her dad and her baby. kisses and such should happen when they come naturally for both people, don't pressure her into doing stuff, that's a huge turnoff. Link to comment
benevolent Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 She said she was, but wanted to take things slow and didn't want to kiss me. I was insulted, but tried to rationalize this. Don't make this about you. You should respect what she said. That means EXHIBIT and MASTER PATIENCE, duh. Hard to do huh? Did you try seeing it from her perspective? Maybe she figured if it led to something more, would she regret it? Maybe getting pregnant once before was enough to stop her? Maybe she was hurt by guys before and LEARNED from her past mistakes and experiences? Just out of curiosity how much did you guys drink at this point? She said she was conflicted and on one hand, she feels chemistry and a connection and on the other hand she doesn't and wants to see how things go down the line. Then she tells me that she would like to be with someone she is fully compatible with and then contradicts herself by saying that she can also see herself being completely alone too.... Weird. But like in my PM to you, dating for single parents is tough. You do realize that if she considers moving forward how difficult in can be sometimes? I mean a kiss is a kiss. To her that's taking it to another level???? She wants it to first be really deep before she considers the physcial aspect and quite honestly, the more and longer she holds out and being rejected like I did, makes me feel uncomfortable and honestly like I am wasting my time.... I think that is a slap in the face to all the women here. Why should it have to be on YOUR terms? If she was this person that you had this CONNECTION with, then this shouldn't be an issue. Instead, it should be a MUTUAL journey that time has no bearing on, NOT a selfish, impatient act on your part. Shame on you. Anyways, she seemed to be annoyed by me I think. I became to serious towards the end. I mean only after she pulled back??? It threw me off and if there is/was a connection, it feels like she wanted to sever it, or according to her, wanted to build it even further, but if not, then why cuddle and if so, then why not be natural and allow the kiss to come in?? I don't know dude. I see a lot of red flags and warning lights waving and flashing on your part. Obviously, the fundamentals of Dating 101 are not in your repertoire. Secondly, do you not see the IMPATIENCE and total lack of control here? Taking it slow does not mean asking about her childhood for a few hours and BAM! now you know her completely? Like others have said it is still way too early for you to know anything about her. Do you know when her birthday is? Her fav color? And NO this does not mean ask her the next time and report back to us. It's mind boggling and yet no surprise, that the early stages of this "relationship" aren't off to a positive start. Have you asked yourself if you are ready for relationships? I don't mean if you are ready to feel love, because that's a basic human need. I mean can you ask yourself if you can handle dating 101 without freaking out? Again, I just find it surprising & odd that with all the "the advice that has helped hundreds" (your claim not mine), you are still at a crossroads with this. Weren't you dating "like crazy" before and now this 5+ date pseudo-relationship stumps you? What about the other woman you are going to date now? Yesterday you were gloating about how the surge in confidence allowed you to ask another girl out and now you are asking for "Help". Man, you tell me to lighten up...I say eat crow. Link to comment
frozenblaze Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 It's nice to see things are moving in your life. A bit of intensity is never a problem, it adds spice to life. My only advice here is : do not over-analyze, do not overthink. I know it is hard but you have to let things get in perspective before trying to find a meaning in this. It seems as if nothing escapes your analyze. Your logical part is computing every input and it is not the good way to behave. Let things go... Compulsive obsession can be a pathology, and trust me, on obsession i could write a book. What I see in there is someone who is insecure and who tries to rationalizes about love while such passion is purely an irrational feeling... Keep your cool... I wish you the best...take good care Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Well, I am heading over there now. She just called me, because I forgot to take the alcohol back home with me, including the mivcrowave she offered me. Her call just now seemed rushed and not at all, well, I had a good time with you last night. It was more like buddy, you need to get this alcohol out of my place before my Dad sees it, not wanting him to think I am an alcoholic.... Not sure if this girl is really into me at all. She seemed happier to hear from that other admirer on the phone when he called then she does from me, and at such an early stage, well, that can't be good. I can't seem to do anything right and I KNOW that it is a continuous test and at times I pass, but then I fail and she is definitely taking a mental note of it.... I am not hearing from her mouth, that she is in to me, or that she likes me, or how much of a good time she had with me. I can tell her all these things, but then comes the inbalance, not knowing if she feels the same way. I just don't know if I have what she is looking for. It's weird, sometimes I do and other times I don't and truthfully, I am just being me... Now I am going over to pick up the stuff and it will be a rushed job in a sense. I don't even know what to do and say for those few minutes in her place othe than take the stuff and leave and tell her to have fun... How can I take away the last 2-3 hours of the night we had (after my attempt at kissing her)....I never encountered these problems in my previous years of dating....She even made mention that she was impressed with the amount of willpower I was exhibiting by just lying there in each others arms without me making a move, until I tried to kiss her that is!!!! She even told me that she wanted to take things slow!!! She is giving me all the signals to follow, yet I am not listening for very long I suppose... Well, I am heading over there right now... Danimal Link to comment
Mun Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 The first thing I thought was: he should not have stayed there beyond 4 hours. I guess I agree with Beec in that sense. You want to make these women want to see MORE of you, and you do that by leaving them wanting more ( of your time). The longer you stayed the more likely you were to get into a romantic discussion that neither of you are probably ready for at this point.( and you did and look how things turned out ) Things were going well while you were enjoying each others company and just letting things flow. Hmmm and I wonder how this girl would feel if she knew you were in bed cuddling with someone else the night before... if you are going to get into "intimate situations" you might want to consider only seeing one person. I just find it a bit (don't have a word for it) to be lying in bed with one girl cuddling and then heading off the next night for a date with someone else. I would keep it out of the bedroom... as least for as long as you are dating several girls. But that's just me. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Hey Muneca, So, things just went surprisingly well I suppose. Just spent another hour and a half with her (and her son)... I headed over there in a hurry you could say (having just woke up prior to her call)...We chilled for a bit on her couch and listened to some music and had a coffee. I'm pretty good with her son (meaning I'm comfortable, right?) I just don't know. She has this very detached aura to her and not sure if she's protecting herself, or if she is just plain not into me.... Anyways, so I finally said I should go and gather up the items that I came over to take...She offered to walk me back to my place with her son in..She came up and stayed for a bit which was nice, but I just get the vibe that she's maybe not into me and that makes me a bit insecure around her to a certain extent...It probably makes me a bit unnatural and try a little too hard. Most women after say the 7th time they see a guy usually show some indicators that they are into them, right?? At one point I commented on her nice eyes in the light and she kind of changed the subject. Not sure if she needs alcohol to get her in the mood???? In any case, I walked her out and kissed her hand and looked directly into her eyes and told her to have fun with her Dad and to take his stuff with a grain of salt. She smiled and kept the gaze...You can tell that her son likes me and she can tell too....Wonder if she is taking stalk of all of that...She said, SO, I guess I'll talk to you soon??? Kind of hinting that she would like to... That was that...thoughts anyone??? In regards to my date tonight, well, that's all it is, a date and I see nothing wrong with that. She has other male friends too, who are even calling her while I am there, so, I will try and get some sleep today and have fun tonight. Yes, I am into her, but am being FORCED to take it slowly, which is a good thing. Something I've never known how to do in a relationship, with my all or nothing type personality. I'm just not sure if her taking it slow really means that I don't see you in that way and don't want to hurt your feelings, or I may see you that way, but am not really sure and so I prefer to hold out until I am more certain??? Danimal Link to comment
Mun Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 To me I want to take it slow means I want to take it slow.... and... I am seeing someone, I have a boyfriend, I don't have time for a relationship right now mean : I don't want to be with you or want to make the time to be with you. Hey if she needs alcohol to warm up to you then you have bigger problems my friend. You better slow things down if you want to have a chance. And why would you want to speed things up if you are interested in dating other girls anyway? Better to just enjoy the dating...go slow...and see what develops here. Is there a reason for the hurry? Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 Muneca, I DON'T want to date other girls. I haven't come on here these last couple of months and recounted all of my horror stories to Enotalone. The only person who personally knows what's been going on is my friend Beec. Other than him, I've kept it to myself. In all honesty, if this girl didn't hold back as much as is doing, I would probably be cancelling tonight on this new girl who I have yet to meet. I have eliminated all the girls who I didn't see a future with from my life and there were many. All I am doing tonight is going for a drink with what seems like a fairly sweet girl who I have been chatting with online and have spoken to over the phone as well. Right now, I do like Millica (yes, that's her name..she's from France) and am up for taking it slow. We just toasted over some water in my apartment before she left. I toasted to taking things slow and she toasted to us just being ourselves... Again, I am seeing this girl tonight purely out of curiosity. I don't know if I will like her. I will see. Millica is not commiting to me just yet, so thereforeeee I am currently allowed to have fun and not necessarily just sleep around. I am not married to anyone just yet, but I will say that once I am in a relationship, I am a trustworthy, devoted and loyal guy, who does NOT cheat, but as long as Millica has mixed feelings about me and is not inaccessible for 10 days, I am still entitled to enjoy myself with the opposite sex and that is not something I was capable of stating only a few months/years ago... Danimal Link to comment
Mun Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 That's excellent Danimal. Very well said and I fully agree. All the more reason not to obsess over this one girl ... the more you remind yourself of this the more likely you will be to stay in the here and now and go with the flow of things. She's not the only one out there.. and she is not your gf yet. ( I was getting worried over the 15 or so pages of topic about just her) This should help you to relax and have a great time tonight. Link to comment
DN Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Out of the 24 - about how many hours a day are you thinking about this woman - including the time spent posting about her on here? Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Share Posted August 12, 2005 DN, I think about her when I am posting on here and when I see her/talk to her, other than that I do have alife, hence me going out tonight with this other girl I recently began talking to who's name is Victoria. I met Millica a week and a half ago and have already seen her 7 times. Isn't it only normal that I am thinking about her? She struck a chord in me my friends, that's all. As I previously mentioned, I have been dating for 2 months now and have gone on at least a dozen different dates with different women and after the date was over I did not think of them ever again...WELL, I tried forgetting about the awful time I had...haha...It was/is different with Millica, even though I feel a bit frustrated with her and she knows/feels it, but the truth is, I have only been REJECTED ONCE in the kissing department, about 4-5 years ago....I'm not into playing games anymore and I just hope that's not what she's doing with me...stringing me along, even though I HIGHLY doubt she is. She is DEFINITELY sensing something in me that every now and then puts her off. I wonder what that is.... Danimal Link to comment
DN Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 If I had to guess it is that she senses you are too intense for this early in a relationship. Link to comment
RayKay Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 If I had to guess it is that she senses you are too intense for this early in a relationship. My guess too. Too intense is a turn off....it might not be obvious, but if you are an intuitive person, you can FEEL something is not right. It feels like pressure, overwhelming and thick in the air. It's too much, too fast, too soon...and I am not talking about physical intimacy, its more about the mental/emotional pressure she might be feeling. And she has a son to look out for as well. Link to comment
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