tman
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Yep i'm back.....Its been quite a while since my last post (liking the new enotalone look!) Been quite busy lately and focussing on moving on and enjoying life. With the ex there has been the odd email now and again asking me how I am to which I have been answering in a friendly manner teling her how great my life is now (which it truly is). However I received a text from her mid-week from her at around 12 midnight (the first time she has text me since we split up...saying how she has had a tough couple of days was feeling down and just wanted to tell someone. I responded, as I was in a club, by saying I could not talk at the moment but if she wanted to talk to ring me tomorrow or to tell me if it was urgent and i'd go outside to talk for 5 mins. I also told her to keep her chin up and stay strong. The next day I received a text from her saying thanks, "for what" I replied and she said it was thanks for being prepared to drop everyhting for her and the words of encouragement. Since then she has text me back a couple of times asking me how I am. I just dont really dont know how to respond guys or where this is leading. I mean why is she opening up to me when she is down now....I am sure she has friends or others to go to for that...I am not her boyfriend and really dont want to get close to her by being a shoulder for her to cry on. Your views guys?
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(Thanks guest for your kind words) received an email from the ex this morning asking why i have not replied and how I was. To be honest I had meant to reply over the weekend but had been a bit busy and also did not know what to say. I am obviously going to tell her to keep the excess cash however I am stumped as to what to say about the dream and hugging business (see last post). One side of me says not toeven acknowledge it and pretend like I am not phased while the other says to acknowledge it but not reply in any soppy way. What do you guys reckon?
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Hi guys..quick catch up.... Just been enjoying life really and getting on with things. Going out, partying etc...and have been feeling like i am back to my old self now looking forward positively to what the future may hold. I received an email today from the ex (i have had nc since my last post bit she has been on line while i am but i just ignore her even though once she tried to say hi) The email was overly nice thanking me "sweetie" for the money i had sent her, which was more than she had asked for (I could not bother to work the intricacies of what was owed and just paid a lump sum to her to settle things without a dispute). she asked for my bank details so that she could give me some back (to which i will refuse). She then and this is what got me....told me she had a dream about me and i needed a hug which she gave me in her dream and asked if everything was ok with me. This is the first time in a year that she has shown any sign of affection towards me. Oh well onwards and upwards. I guess i'll see where this goes.
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Hey guys how u all doing? (turning cold here in London and the air conditioning in my office is still on so I'm freezing my butt off here). Got to be quick as the boss is on the prowl! Ripples its really good to hear from you and see that you are still about, I have actually had you in mind when writing my last few posts and wondering when you would give me some advice...i remember how much you have been following this on going saga which closely mirrors your situation. I am really happy for you that your ex is finally coming to see you. i dont think i need to give you much advice on how to deal with things there, so good luck for the visit and take it in your stride. Thanks for the advise dude although its not about winning its just about being happy (especially being happy without the ex). My situation... I sent her a couple of email jokes yesterday and got an email today (from last night as I did not check my emails). She just said how she had been meaning to email me and catch up and that if I ever wanted a chat it was cool and that if i preferred to speak to her by email then in her own words "i will try to be more regular with the e-mail thing". She then went on to tell me about whats been going on in her life, about how she is not sleeping well and taking some herbal medecines as she has been feeling hormonal and depressed, while also advising me on some good herbal remedies/vitamins that I could take. That was it really. I guess I'll just keep being friendly but very aloof and leave it to her to decide if she wants to meet up. Cheers guys for all the advise.
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Thanks for the reply Immy, what you say is true and something that I have already done. It has been hard but the best thing i have done lately is just get on with my life and not let her consume my thoughts. Lately I have felt it more as a litlle niggling "what if" feeling rather than frustration. I think i am moving through the acceptance stage and my advice for others would be that the happier you make yourself feel and more effort and value you put into your own life, the better and stronger you will feel and more able to deal with the ex.
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Thanks for the replies.... Guest1-9, I am not too keen on the card idea plus it would be a little too late to send a card now. Immy, you are definitely not being cynical, its obvious that she has been playing games in the past. Thats one of the reasons why i do not really want to chase her in case it is all just a ploy from her to get me to chase her around. she was the one who asked to meet up and when she cancelled she was the one trying to reschedule. I did the best thing that I could do and that was to leave the ball in her court.
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Hi guys been a bit of time since i have posted as I have been quite busy with the new job... Since my last post, where I was supposed to meet the up with the ex for the first time in almost a yr, not much has happened. On the day of meeting up she rang to tell me that she was really ill and had the flu and so could not meet up (I must admit I am wary that this may have just been an excuse to cancel). I just said ok and did not show any sign of disappointment and told her to contact me if she would like to re-arrange to which she said she most definitely would like to. Later that night she initiated contact on messenger again apologising for not meeting up and asking me if I would like to see her mid - week or at the weekend by which time she felt she would have fully recovered. I just told her that the best thing to do would be to contact me when she was feeling 100% and that she could choose when we should meet up. Since then I have heard nothing (2 weeks now) and am just wondering whether I should initiate some contact with and re arrange the meeting. However I want to act aloof and confident and assume that by chasing her up on it will contradict this.
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So I picked up the phone up and rang her. Just to see that she was ok after the last talk we had on messenger and also to show her that I am opening up the lines of communication to her. I planned to keep it short and sweet, get in and out, show no signs of emotion and no relationship talk. When she picked up she was so shocked to hear my voice, and I could immediately tell in her voice she was happy and excited to hear from me. She immediately told her friend she was with it was me saying its "T" its "T" and her friend from what i could her was shocked aswell doing the girly thing in the background. Anyway she started saying how nice it was to hear from me, immediately invited me out to meet up with her on Saturday to which I declined and said I was busy which its the truth cos I am working. She then asked to meet up on Sunday (tomorrow) I said I was busy in the morning which I am, and then she asked to meet with me Sunday afternoon to which i agreed. What now guys? I really can't tell if she wants more than just friends. I believe am totally ready to meet her and am confident that I can be around her in a mature and non needy manner. Any tips on how to act? Did I do the right thing in agreeing to meet up?
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(I replied to the emails in a witty way basically teasing her about her sense of humour and by also returning a joke email to her.) I have come to realise that i do not mind being with her or not. I do love her but for some reason I have grown up alot over the past year. I can not be bothered with all this hassle and just want to be happy. I am now myself not sure of whether it would be a good thing to be back with her. Whatever happens I want to make things easy for both of us. If she is missing me I will comfort her. Not to get back with her but because i dont want her to be unhappy. I have been there its not nice. Even though she has put me through a lot over the past year I do not hold a grudge. At least now we have communication and the basis for a friendship from which a relationship can blossom. If nothing comes from it and i have the wrong end of the stick, at least I will have healed and have gained my best friend back. My NC is over now I think.
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Also I am wondering if i should keep the line of communication open and acknowledge receipt of her jokes or just keep the nc on my part up.
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A lil update guys.... She finally contacted...it always happens when you least expect it....BUT Basically I feel the tide is changing. For the first time (in almost a yr) she is beginning to slip and show emotion, and I sensed for the first time that I myself was in control of the situation. Basically Saturday night (after no contact whatsoever since me asking her for her details for the cash) she emailed me first about her life and whats been going on then sent a second email saying she forgot to put the details of her a/c on the first email. So Sunday morning I emailed her back to say I got the details and to give an update of my life and how I am, which she had asked for in her first email. I basically told her how I have doubled my salary, am in a great job and doing really well enjoying my life. Last night i was watching a film but had left my computer online on msn after talking to a friend and for the first time in months she im'ed me. I played it real cool, acting as if she was disturbing me...she was though cos i was really enjoying the film. Anyway after some idle chit chat she started telling me how she is not going to be able to make her parents proud of her, how her biological clock was ticking, just generally being depressed,...in the past she had always given an image that she was extremely happy with her life without me. I just ignored it offered her little sympathy and just kept saying how good i was doing. She then asked about if i was in a relationship to which i told her i do not want to discuss that side of things between us at the moment, to which she just changed the subject. Anyway she then asked about my family and i said they and my friends had missed her. Then (this is what is really funny) she went really really weird on me saying she needed to go and that I was not the only one who had been upset and hurt about the break up....then in mid conversation she said did not want to talk about it. Talk about what? I had not even asked what was wrong. I then asked her and she said I am going, acting real upset, almost fishing for me to ask her what was wrong. But I played it cool and just said bye, with a huge smile on my face. she said ok, speak soon and ended with x. I ignored it and she went offline about 15 mins later what do you guys make of that? And then today while at work i received 2 email jokes from her, the first as part of a group email, and the second just sent to me. In the past 10months she has not contacted me apart from for the money... hmmmm...
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Thanks Guest123etc Now thats really got me thinking.... But I disagree on your theory of having to love myself more as it is one thing I have actually been aiming to work on as i am aware it is an important aspect of rebuilding oneself after a break up. However I have PM'ed you further on this.
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My hope is one of reconcilliation, a second chance. Oh well i know it may never happpen, but thats hope, not something I rely on happening. I no longer NEED her in my life, it would justy be nice to be with her again. She probably is messing me about with the money business, it just baffles me because i guess 1) if she hated me she would have told me to give her her money and f off or... she would have told me to keep the money and f off 2)if she were sincere she would be be straight about the money and tell me to a ) give it to her in a nice way or to keep it but also in a nice way and b) be dilligent about it not beat about the bush. What she is doing does not fall into these categories. So it leads me to think she is leading me on but why? I really dont need this crap anymore.
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Congrats dude. Its always good to hear a success story and i admire the way you handled things. Also its good to see that you are being cautious and guarding your heart. Goodluck with everything.
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Guest, Thanks for the reply To be honest I have already accepted and come to terms with the fact that she may not be coming back, but one can still hope. I am happy with where I am at the moment and am enjoying my life doing my thing etc and am in no way wallowing in pity, pining for her anymore. I still get sad when I think about it, but thats life and something I have learnt to deal with. Its just that to me her behaviour seems strange. Her money is there on the plate as she asked. I have asked for her to sort out details of getting it to her i.e even doing paypal/getting her address would need her to give me details. Why tell me she wants the money, tell me twice she is going to contact me and then don't contact. You can't blame me for wondering whats going on, can you?
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Still no feedback from u guys? Come on your input would be much appreciated. By the way still no contact from the ex.
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so what do you guys think of her actions? or lack of it?
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Hi EN'ers Jut to keep those following my saga updated.... So after a really cool night out with the boys I returned home quite merry (ok drunk) and proceeded (after a drunken battle with my concsience) towards the computer where I drunkedly typed an email to my ex, simply asking if she had received the first email I sent her in regards to getting the money to her plus reiterating what was stated in the first email..all in a nice manner. (As I was typing I thought I may regret it, but seeing as I was in a I dont give a "£$^ attitude, I typed it, clicked the send button and went to bed). The next morning as I was reading the reply email from the ex, shocked and wondering why she had sent me an email, while getting flashbacks of my drunken "I dont give a %^&* nc breaking email writing episode" from the night before, I decided to invest in an "anti drunk email writing" Gorrilla which I will position on my desk to restrain me and beat me to a pulp if I ever approch my computer in that state ever again. Actually I was quite happy that I had sent the email as it was something that had been bugging me for a few weeks. Anyway in her email she just stated that she had received the original email, but by the time she had gotten round to sending a reply it was too late (for what I wondered?????) as she thought I would have spent it by then and thereforeeee she was going to wait till next month (which by the way is now) before asking for the money/sending me the details to get it to her. She then said she would email me later as she was at work... Since then (this was a week ago,... I have been too ashamed to tell you guys i broke nc, especially because I was drunk, however I dont regard it as a true breaking of nc and I have already forgiven myself so its ok ).. any way since then I have again heard nadda...nothing...no details... So I am left thinking ...Whats up with this girl.....I leave it to you guys to decide. She will definitely not be getting any more reminders/contact from me .(at least sober) By the way if she leaves it too long she wont be getting the cash and it will be added to my xmas/new year champagne fund. 8)
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N/C for us, but does the return silence effect the dumper !
tman replied to scorchio's topic in Getting Back Together
I'll quote myself from my previous post. You can't afford to spend time thinking of things like this. It is a possibility that she might get with someone else and is another level of the break-up that you will have to deal with. One reason for my nc is that i know that I can not handle this type of info about my ex, and would rather not know what she may be up to. I have even had to shy away from contact with her family because of this. As long as she is safe and well that is enough info for me. Another thing is that if you do think of these things try to be positive in your approach. View it as "yes she may be seeing someone else but perhaps this will show her what she is missing in me". Egotistical yes but better than wallowing in self pityand getting depressed. If you were good to her in the relationship and there was love there it will be impossible for any new rebound guy to wipe away any memories she may have of you and she will most defiantely be making comparisons. Hopefully then, her meeting someone else will not cause fading hope but will be a helpful leg up. -
N/C for us, but does the return silence effect the dumper !
tman replied to scorchio's topic in Getting Back Together
Dude i share your pain. Coming up to 10 months of nc apart from a couple of emails/IM's at the 6 months stage which did not amount ot much.... except for what I now believe was a way for her to check up on me to satisfy her own curiosity/ego which I fed really well (wont be making that mistake again). How it affects the dumper? .... that's the hardest part all the second guessing, trying to figure out what is going on in their minds will just drive you crazy. Without posessing some special powers of mind reading its something you will not know, unless you can get some inside info (family, friends). So keep strong dude and be prepared for the eventuality that she may not be in contact for a long time, if ever. And that if/when she does contact it may not be for the reasons you are hoping for. Let it go dude. The time will pass quicker and less painful if you dont keep focussing on it. I told you before that when my ex did contact me it took me by surprise, i was not expecting it and had almost stoppped thinking about her every day because I had got on with my life and stayed happy for myself. I know how hard it is and the emotions you must be feeling but you've got to do this for yourself. -
Thats why i love this site. You are sure to find people who are in situations similar to your own, yet it always surprises me how similar some situations are. Waiting.... Thanks for the advice I can sense that you can see where I am coming from.
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DN.... A Bit harsh dude? And there was me thinking they will be crying themselves to sleep every night if they don't see me. Annie24 Thats more in line with they way that I have been thinking. I just don't know whether I want to tell them I am still hurting (they would fully understand but I really do not want my ex to hear that I am still hung up on her), but I also dont want to lie and fog them off with "i am busy" every time they ask to meet up.
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DN.... The main problem is I don't know how I will react in the situation. I guess I am a little scared and a bit embaressed especially after all the begging and plaeading I did 9 months ago. Plus say they let something slip about the ex. I reallly really dont want to know anything of what she is up to especially if she is with someone else. I am a visual person and I think that seeing them will bring back too many painful memories especially as I have just begun to really cope with it all. However I dont like to lose good friends so I think i will have to face my fears and be a man.
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I got on really well with my ex's family (mainly her mother and younger sister, as her dad did not live with them). Anyway since the break up i have not really been in contact with them (9 months now)apart from a text from her mother and a couple of emails form her sister (just small talk and to see if i was ok). I replied with brief messages but never initiated contact as I felt too awkward and have been trying to distance my self from the ex and anything to do witrh her for my own sanity, and healing. The probelm is i have always felt bad for doing this as there was a really good relationship and we were all really close (mum seeing me as her surrogate son and sister as her bro). They felt really torn between my ex and myself during the break and I sensed that they did not want us to break up, but wanted my ex to be happy which I could not argue with. I never brought them into the relationship break up or used them as go betweens. This week her sister emailed me to meet up for lunch/drinks and now on messenger I have had a short chat with her sis, her boyfriend (who had been dating her sis the whole time i was with my ex and I got on really well with too), and her mother. They want to all catch up, her mum offering to cook me a big meal with all the food she knows I love. They all also said that everyone was missing me (and to be honest i have missed them too). No mention of the ex though who has not contacted me in 2 months now since the strange incidents over the money which she still has not gotten back to me about (check out my other post for full details). Now I feel awkward as to what to do. I was contemplating on cutting them all off,and just getting on with my life, to help my healing and not bring back any memories. I think to have a meal at the table where we all used to laugh and ioke as a family unit would be too painful for me. Yet I see it as rude to decline the offer and not keep in contact I know how much they really liked me. I would like to tell them it would hurt too much to see them, yet i want to give off a sense that Iam strong and am moving on and am not letting the break up still get to me (especially with the amount of time that has now passed. Also I am wondering how much my ex knows of this invite and whether she would be there as she lives in the same house. I'm guessing they may feel that enough time has passed and that i am healed (which i am not 100% and to be honest I still have strong feelings for the ex) Guys your advice would be much appreciated. cheers
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It can happen to anyone if you have had a lot to drink. Now reverse the situation and it was you that had wet the bed, I am sure you would probably be embarresed ( if not disgusted with yourself as this is view you now have of your boyfriend). I bet you would expect him to be understanding. You said that your relationships is on the rocks. Is this because of this bed wetting epsiode or because of other things wrong in the relationship. Has this just added to any negative feelings you currently have against the (poor)guy?