tman

Thanks so much guys. Its her b'day today. She did not contact me on mine (june 23rd,...not long ago) and against my normal character I will not be contacting her even though I really want to. Staying strong!

Dudes .... sincerely thanks for all the advice and opinions...but take all the advice u have given me and stick it up your asses!!!..... joke....ha ha Gotcha..... (still got a sense of humour which shows that I am still here under all this relationship hassle) No honestly, all of you, thanks for the advice. As I have been saying to misslonelyheart its been like a verbal slapping that has been dished out to me and much needed to wake me up and bring out the best in myself. Honestly guys because you are all seeing it from different perspective (somewhat removed, objective and critical) from myself it has forced me to step back and see what is really going, cos I can now see things that a week ago i did bnot cos I was too involved in the situation. All your advice has been listened to and much appreciated. Benevolent.... Well past this stage mate and I dont cry about it any more which is a good sign and has made me feel alot better. If any incling of crying even comes into my head it embarrasses me in some way, as I will not let her have that power anymore. As for having the right to feel depressed and alone. I dont have that right anymore. My friends and family have stood by me long enough and I no longer want people to worry about me but to feel proud of me for getting through this which in turn will make them happy and myself much happier. As i said before guys, cheers for the blunt advice which is necessary and and I will not be letting the side (or myslef) down.

Hey Missy!! Good to hear you are doing better. I guess part of the process is overcoming whatever hurdles that may arise as time progresses,and we will inevitably have our fair share of good and bad days. But trust me you will feel much better in time. Its good to see that you are still going strong with nc.... and 3.5 months..., wow thats some time, for me that was when it started to become a lot easier in some ways. My situation? check my thread out link removed I have not really been "playing it cool", and have had a flurry of events take place in the past couple of weeks which admittedly I could have handled a lot better. But thankfully with some verbal slaps from a few of the guys here on the site Iam back on track. Stay on top of things my dear. Tman

That obviously is not true, and you have to get out of that way of thinking. For your information I have been thinking of you and your situation I have noticed that you havent been on the forum for ages), and actually care and hope that things had been getting better for you. I have valued the input and advice that you have given to my situation in the past and have actually been looking out for some more advice from you. Like I have said to you before and advice given to me on numerous occasions,... this is your time and to get over this situation, no matter how bad it is is to keep your head up, improve yourself, show them you have the strength to get on without them and seek the comfort of your family and friends. ( I am being a little hypocritical cos i have not been following my own advice lately in this area...but thats another story) For now to hell with what they do, and make yourself happy. (I am no expert on this type of thing and admit am really crap at giving advice but any time you need to talk or vent I am here to at least listen (pm me if you want) and i am sure the other guys here at enotalone will also be there for you. Its the name of the site after all. So dont feel alone).

Dan ... and anyone else who may have been following the post... I see myself as a morally conscious person and there are a few conflicting views I have with a lot of the advice posted here on the board especiially when it comes to playing games. My main one is how does one effctively decide when to be honest with someone and when to be deceptive or lie. Essentially I have ended up feeling that I was wrong to tell the ex how I really felt and should have instead given her an image of myself which did not exist. She asked how i felt and I was honest. Was that right or is this where vagueness and aloofness comes into play (or is that too gameplay). If there was any hope of reconciliation is it better for it to be based on honesty rather than manipulation, or am I just being unrealistic. Maybe I am just trying to condone my actions but your view/s would be valued.

Dan dude... first cheers for the quick response. Secondly...about me doing the wrong things....you think I do not know this dude. My saving grace is that it has shown me where the weknesses are in my healing and what I have to now develop. Emotions do get in the way of things and that is where I fell, but hopefully it wont happen again. I know that I can be happy without her but felt it may push her away and make her give up if i told her this as this may be what she wants. I dunno its all so confusing and f%%$%d NC will be enforced again, and as of last night I have already blocked her from my msn. I dont think I have progressed 0% in my healing cos i know that I would have dealt with this even more wrongly 8 months ago. You say i took it to the extreme, but i also feel i was pushed by what she was saying to me, she got to me with her mixed messages...damn she did (yet really and truly if i had acted in an independent manner it would not have got that far).

S&D, Danimal......guys thanks for the great response. It has definitely put a different and positive perspective on the situation which to be honest has been messing with my mind big time. Thank god u guys responded because i have made some major mistakes in the past few days regarding the ex. but i am happy cos 1. I realise how i was handling the situation incorrectly and 2. I dont think I have done anything too bad from which I can not recover from in time. Applying the insight you guys have given has confirmed a lot for me especially the part of the "lost puppy", only coming to me in times of need, and expecting me to be her saviour. Over the weekend she chatted to me again on IM (which she now instigates when i am online, something she did not do for 7 months, i never start the convo, following the rules of a relaxed nc). I have a new pic up on my messenger profile which she made a comment about on how nice my body was, and how she remembers how well toned and fit i was,... not just from the pic but from what she remembers too. This obviously baffled and unbalanced me through out the conversation in which i know i gave too much. When i look back at it there were many things on her side which were just not right and things i did in response that were wrong From her 1. Telling me she misses me big time and my humour, our friendship, closeness, chats and jokes, me calling her by our secret nickname, .....all on numerous occasions 2. Asking me for career advice and constantly complimenting my career advancement 3. Complimenting my body more than twice 4. Hinting that we she would like to have sex with me 5. Asking me about other women i may be seeing and trying to tell me about how she doesn't care about men at the moment and is being a bit%^ to them and using them (but being honest to them about it). She styled it in a way where she said she was showing that she was now ok to talk to me and help me with my woman hassles and thouight i was in the same frame of mind to which i told her that i was not cool with this type of talk. 6. Telling me she will never have another man like me, how much of a good husband i would make and how no other man will have her like i did (what is all that about?) I obviuosly ended up, i now feel, falling for her easing of the situation and convo, so.... so stupidly.... I 1. Did not break off the convo quicker (we chatted for 1hr+) 2. Opened up to her how much i still felt, but lucky for me i said it would be the reason why I could not have a frienship with her (i am still wondering which route would be best if i wanted her back, frienship or continue the way i am going with nc/modified nc) 3. Not acting confident enough, i did boost myself but showed i believe that i was still a little unhappy without her (all these can and will be reversed definitely now when i spk to her next) 4. The most stupid thing was me asking if i stilll had a chance with her to which she changed the subject and hinting it was down to chemistry which she did not know was still there and was too scared to find out in case I GOT HURT!!! give me a break All in all I did too much too soon. But after writng it down and applying the knowledge and insight that the 2 of u have provided I can clearly see that there is a lot more to this on her side than meets the eye. Peeps learn from my mistakes cos i will. I guess i got caught up in the heat of the moment and did not apply all that i had learnt from the site. I now wonder if i am really ready to communicate with her, but am man enough to admit that i made a few mistakes and need to step back from the situation for a bit. I did end the convo sensibly saying it was all too much now and the frienship which she was asking for would be impossible so i think it would be best not to chat in the near future anymore. However she was online again last night (which recently she is hardly on, unless she has been talking to me), but we ignored each other.

c'mon guys give me your views please

Hey there Enotalone, i am back......been away to Barcelona for a week to celebrate my birthday, which was excellent!!! A city Iwould highly recommend you guys to visit. A special to thanks to theEnotalone management and all those who have sent me b'day wishes. Update....... After a month of nc again since our first proper nc through IM and via email I was getting frustrated with the fact that no more contact had been made. But i decided to get on with things, keep nc up and enjoy my life. Lo and behold she emails me today, again about the money i owed, which we had agreed to be paid at the end of this month, but also about her telling me how bad she has had things lately. She was saying things like she has hardly bought any new clothes since February, things are as bad as they were at uni (where she and i met and i helped her out a lot emotionally and financially) and that she has had a lot on. One thing that has really gotten to me is that she says in the email, "Please come to my rescue if you can. " (I am trying so hard not to read too much into this....) She also says that this is a short email and the next will be longer, showing that she intends to be in contact more now. she signed off with the nickname i used to give her something she did not do in previous emails and with xxx. So onceagain i am left wondering what it all means, is she being nice to ensure i pay up,or seeking more. I do not intend to dwell on it, I cant afford to. But any advice from you guys would be welcome, then i can just forget about it and let things progress in their own time.

sorry to add this late and out of context, but I couldn't help notice the June the 23rd bunnies. You guys are lucky to be born on what is the greatest day in the history of man.... Its my birthday too on that day Happy advanced b'day all other's, i may not be on the site for a week as i am off to spain to have a mad b'day week tomorrow. yay!!!!! Hope 75 : i wonder too what was in the air 9 months b4 the 23rd of june is (sometime in spetember). Funny i too have had too may weird connections with that day. I had 3 friends at school on with the same b'day as me, 2 friends at my church, a guy on my road, my uncle and my aunts 2 twin boys. Once agian sorry if i have disrupted the flow of the topic, but i had to post. Goodluck though all u guys with ur situations, i do read with interest and would post if i felt i could help.

Lillady898,...no need to be so harsh, I simply just posted a quote that , from my experience was quite relevant and true. But you are right... letting go of someone who does not love you anymore is proof of love, but I also believe letting go of someone who loves you can also be seen as a proof of love if it is for the good of that person or both persons involved. You cant just reject it as a "catchy phrase" as you really do not know where the guy that wrote the quote is coming from....you asked for it to be elaborated upon and for experiences to be used to back it up...unfortunately I could not contact Mr McDonald over the weekend, but I am sure once I do get in contact he will provide you with a good reason. From my own personal experience upon which "I" saw the relevance of the quote, it takes love to step back from some one you have been in love with and to let them go, whether it be for a little while or forever. The hardest thing was my ex saying there was still a "love" there but it did not feel like the right kind of love. ( i love u but not in love with you scenario). You can beg and plead and force them to see your views but in reality it causes hurt and turmoil to them as they feel guilt and pain for putting you through this. The ex's are human too. Lets not always see them as the evil bad person who can't see what they are doing to us. I knew and appreciated the warm gentle kind hearted nature of my ex while i was with her, and know how much she would not want to hurt someone. No matter how much i thought she may have been wrong to break up with me, it is her right and by me holding on and pressuring her and trying to go over things again and again, it just causes them pain, as they can see that they are breaking your heart, which in some cases is something that a lot of our ex's never intentionally meant to do. A lot of people stay in a relationship for a long time because the one that wants to split can't bear to cause the other partner pain (even if they do not love them anymore), while the one to be split up with can not see the signs and pain they are causing the other and themsleves as they try to hold onto somethign that is not there. Additionally if you loved yourself you would let the love you had go and get yourself out of pain. lillady You said Funny enough a really good example was used at my church this weekend when i was with my mothers sunday school class.... It was the story of king solomon and the two mothers who were fighting over the custody of a baby they both claimed to be theirs. They had come to Solomon (who in biblical times was the wisest of men and a great judge) to ask him to decide who should have the baby. Solomon threatened to split the baby in half. One woman was prepared to accept the decision, but the other begged the King to give the live baby to the other woman. Solomen then knew the second woman was the mother. I really dont like preaching but just thought that this story is of some relevance to the quote you asked me to explain. You dont have to agree with it, but there is no need to be so dismissive of other peoples views.

I say just dont risk any chance of reconciliation by being stubborn and trying to play games of some sort. Make her chase you to a point yes but not to the extent where the ex may give up. Like all things in life its a balancing act, get the right balance of aloofness/independance in comparison to her sensing your presense in her life and things should go to plan. Tip the scales too much in one direction causes an inbalance in the relationship and any chance of reconciliation may fail. p.s...the guy who she met at the interview... what a w*nka

Love isn't love until you give it away. - John H. MacDonald Jr. 1992

One thing that struck me in your post Alphonsefa was this.... Here you have sort of answered your own question on how to progress with the situation. She is "taking the piss" with you, if you mind me being so harsh, and leading you on if she is contacting you for no particular reason, except to fulfill her need to check up on your current situation. The only way that her actions can be validated is if she and you wanted a frienship. If she is not pursuing a relationship with you and she knows that contacting you is confusing for u and nothing but a game, then she is certainly not worth your time my friend. Take the control from her and dont play her game. In the end this may 1. Shock her and make the chances of reconciliation more favourable or 2. At least put you in a position from which you cant lose. This goes along the same line of viewpoints that Danimal77 (one of the enotalone memebers that I admire) has just posted and I totally agree with. Good luck for now dude and keep us posted on the situation.

In relation to your answer to querstion 3... That is somewhat how I tend to feel, yet mixed with some sense of optimism (in case their is a chance to get back together). That is a hard juggling act there in itself as one thing that i have learnt is that if you truly want something you need to have a belief in your self and the thing you are aiming for, for that thing to become reality. But one must still be realistic and not give oneself false hope. Having not heard from her again in a while i am beginning to regret that nc was broken. While in NC I knew where i stood because I put myself in the position and i guesss was in control . I was in control of whether to contact her or not and I guess I kind of had settled for the the fact that she may not contact me ever again, and to just get on with it. Now time feels like it is standing still or slowed down again, which I hate and am trying to reverse, by getting out and staying busy. Now that contact has been made I am now thrown into a posiotion of not "will she call" but "when and why". I also wonder whether I should take the initiative and contact her. The 6 months progress I had made emotionally has definitely been pushed back by a month or 2. But fortunately the mental mind set and knowledge I have learnt over the same period of time can not be taken from me. I would be a fool not to use it and put it into practice as it is the one thing that will ensure that when all is done, and even if I dont I have my ex back, i will still have my pride and dignity intact.

I was wondering if you guys could help me out with a few questions i have beeen recently pondering. This mainly applies to those of you who did start getting contact from the ex after an extended period of time (2 months +). 1. How long was the period of nc for? 2. How intermittent was the contact in the beginning once contact had been re-established? 3. How did you feel between calls/contact.....optimistic, confused as to where this was leading or in fact healthy for your healing? 4. Did you get back together? Cheers guys, your input would be much appreciated.

Logged into messenger last night and she was there (she did block me in the 1st 2 months, but since then we had both ignored each other when online). So surprise surpirise....She initiated contact through IM and we talked for about an hour. She started by apologising for not replying sooner and told me that she had just sent me an email. We then had a really good conversation, nothing serious though, and no mention about the relationship. We had each other in stitches, like we always used to, (we both get and have the same type of snse of humour, which she said she had missed). Anyway we talked about how our work, family and life in general was, just general small talk, i could sense though that she was quite happy to talk to me, but don't know if she just missed me as a friend. With the money issue it seems that she wont need it for another month or 2 which is quite strange seeing as when she first emailed me it was deemed urgent. However she does need it badly then so there is some element of truth in it (may be losing her job in August). I had to check myself though and realised I needed to play it smart so I said that i had to go in the middle of the convo, which she first ignored i think. I then i said it again, this time saying it was late (1.30am) and we started to wind up the convo which took another 10 mins with her saying twice "spk soon ok?" (i just ignored it) plus she kept ending with xx, then xxxx, which I thought was quite weird. So......proper contact has been made, not sure where it is leading, but i guess i will just have to feel her intentions out, without getting my hopes up, she could just be being nice tomake sure she gets the money. I dont know. Women huh?!!! One thing though, with all the strength that nc has given me to talk to her confidently and happily without bringing up the relationship situation, I am unsure as to how much I can do. I am already missing her again (especially after last nights convo which brought memories back) and afraid i may get hurt if i get close again even as a friend. I feel bad b'cos I think i only want contact if it is going to lead somewhere, not for friendship. That would hurt too much and was one of the main reasons why I started nc in the first place. Obviously nc is still in place from my side, all contact will still have to be initiated by her. (thanks for listening to my vent guys. )

Thanks fot the post. I guess you are right if the money was important she would have replied. I'll just wait and see what her next move is. Feel a lot better today, its raining!! for some reason I have found that when it's not sunny I am a lot happier. Must be the memories brought back by the good weather. Well done on reaching 10 weeks nc though, I found it a lot easier after the 3 month mark. I hope you manage to resolve the financial issues with your ex with as little stress for you as possible.

Cheers Missy.....I hope so.... Its now a week and no reply, she's really beginning to screw with my head (women!!! joke). I do know that if the role had been reversed I would have replied to the emails a little quicker especially if i had initiated contact and requested something from her. It seems to me now that it either shows a lack of respect towards me and she just wanted the money, or like you said my reply has stumped her and she is pondering her next move. Doesn't matter though i refuse to analyse her and get myself involved in any mind games of any sort. (does anyone else have an idea of what may be going on?) I do feel though like i am regressing slightly, waitng for emails again, started dreaming deeply about her again, and also my feelings for her are coming back strongly. Its been really tough lately aswell with the nice bout of weather. I really am not looking forward to this summer as it will remind me of her and some of the best times we had, i.e lying together in the park, sitting outside a cafe or bar enjoying a drink, chatting, barbecues etc. I guess i will have to continue nc for my own sanity, to continue getting over her or to at least let her make the first attempts of contact. However, I can't help but feel that with the intensity of the emotions and love I feel for her I should try and be bold and initiate contact myself and tell her how I feel. Or would that just be a waste of the hard work i have put in tothis 6 months nc and a big let down to myself. Anyways how are you doing these days? how are the good to bad day ratio going hope its been going up instead of down like mine have slightly taken.

Dont know if this helps but I fall under the estimate given by hbk and under some of the advice given by Lars. Last week my ex contacted me for money i owe her, ( Idon't know if this is the real reason though, I would like to think not), but this was after 6 months nc initiayted by myself, and definitely at a point when i was really getting over here and moving on with my life. Yep its bloody hard at the start, but as i have said to others it sure does make you feel stronger, and put you in such a better state of mind to deal with things. Good luck dude things do get better.

Hi guys, Just a quick update. I ended up replying to her email sunday night (3 days after her first email), basically saying that I would send her a cheque in a week or 2 or try to get some cash to her sooner if it was urgent. I also asked her to get back to me with a figure of how much i owed her as i am unsure (around £200) and also asked her to let me know if all this was ok with her. Its now Friday (5 days later) and I have still had no reply. Just wondering whats going on? If she needed it as badly as she said, or even 'because of the fact she emailed me for the money in the first place, why has she not replied? After communicating with me after 6 months of nc, why is she now taking ages with the reply? or is it just me being impatient and still shocked that she got in contact.? hmmmm

You give good advice my girl! It shows you know yourself how to deal with the matters at hand, I guess its just hard to give ones self advice and follow it. For some odd reason i am not really as phased by her contact as I thought I would be. I will be taking my time, playing it cool and friendly but in a manner where she will hopefully be able to tell she has no power over me any more, even if I do want to get back with her. I hope you yourself are doing better and things are looking up.

Thanks guys for the advice. Yes it is contact but it would be foolish to jump the gun and give her any control or show her my cards/emotions. h_b_k_02 I could more than handle seeing her and I am not bothered if i meet her or not. Its this new attitude that will surprise and make things difficult for her the most i believe. I guess I have known all along what I would do and just needed the opinions of you guys. Its now time to put all that I have learned from the site into action. Believe me this site is a god send and i am now really appreciating its existence. You are right Webchick, I will react slowly. (loving the iou and food stamp ideas) I am now on my way out to party the weekend away. I'll get back to her in my own time some time next week probably and send her an email saying a check will be in the post in a few days/ a week. (unless she really needs it 'cos she's in a pickle, i am not going to be an a**hole and use it as a way of getting back at her). heartbroken23, cheers mate, I hope you are right and I will be letting her do all the chasing and work if it pans out that way. i have also been reading your latest developments and just want to say hang in there dude. It will make you strong and I can tell you from my own experience, it will offer you a new perspective in how to deal with things. 8)

(Hey guys I started this post under someone elses topic but felt it should be on its own discussion as I would like some help quickly guys) Its very funny that after i made my first post on enotalone, (as i felt that i needed to give back to the community that has helped me so much.) the ex contacts me for the first time in 6 months (good karma? mmmm). Yep she broke nc. Wow!!! When i saw that email from her boy did i go dizzy. She emailed me about some money i owe her. Why now? i tried to pay her back before but she wouldn't accept. 6 months nc and now an email for money. she did say she felt bad asking and that it seemed cold and she needed it. (she also stated how she heard how i got a good job, earning loads and which involves alot of tavel..., i still keep in contact with her sister through email) What do i do? Reply straight a way? Bend over backwards to get the money to her? i can afford it but not for another 2-3 weeks as i have just paid off my overdraft, paid for a holiday and need it for a few events/outings i have organised with friends. Do i ask to meet her? mail her a cheque? transfer it to her a/c? Not Pay Her At All? The biggest question i ponder about is, is she just after the money or is this away for her to initiate contact? I really dont want to overanalyse this or get my hopes up especially after beginning to really get over her. For now i shall sleep on it. What do you guys make of this?

(Wow 2 posts in i week after being a spectator for 7+ months now) Hows it going misslonelyheart? I hope the good days are beginning to out-number the bad, or at least the ratio is improving and that you have been feeding that ego!!! Remember..."something good comes from bad"-....,he he.... joking i know how much you hate that saying lately. Its very funny that after i made my first post on enotalone, (as i felt that i needed to give back to the community that has helped me so much.) The ex contacts me for the first time in 6 months (good karma? mmmm). Yep she broke nc. Wow!!! When i saw that email, boy did i go dizzy. She emailed me about some money i owe her. Why now? i tried to pay her back before but she wouldn't accept. 6 months nc and now an email for money. she did say she felt bad asking and that it seemed cold and she needed it. (she also stated how she heard how i got a good job, earning loads and which involves alot of tavel..., i still keep in contact with her sister through email) What do i do? Reply straight a way? Bend over backwards to get the money to her? i can afford it but not for another 2-3 weeks as i have just paid off my overdraft, paid for a holiday and need it for a few events/outings i have organised with friends. Do i ask to meet her? mail her a cheque? transfer it to her a/c? Not Pay Her At All? The biggest question i ponder about is, is she just after the money or is this away for her to initiate contact? I really dont want to overanalyse this or get my hopes up especially after beginning to really get over her. For now i shall sleep on it. What do you guys make of this?